when should we tell the kids about separating?

when should we tell the kids about separating?

Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

July 16th, 2012, 12:50 am #1

I wanted the kids to know today but we delayed telling them because we just had to go to his mother's for dinner (btw, I didn't take any her criticisms towards my kids this time, called her on ever one of them. grrrr. she had 4 kids yet she has forgotten how loud kids can be, how excited and pouty even. But then, maybe she was busy telling them to shush and send them outside which might explain the issues my H has ...)

and now I am second guessing when we should tell the kids. His big exit is August 1st which is smack dab when we are at a cottage (rented for 2wks) and I don't want them to come home with all his stuff out and we say, oh by the way, yeah, he's living somewhere else now.
BUT I don't want them to know too soon so that his presence in the house gives them hope that he's staying (I have lived that way for months and it's hell, excuse my French)

I also don't want them to associate this cottage with his leaving. It's a cute little place,great beach and affordable-ish so we might want to go back next year; it's a cheap way to have a vacation.
He's coming up to stay with us, I think--I still have to discuss this with him and make him answer me. It might be tricky since as far as I can tell, he hasn't packed any of his home studio so maybe he's thinking of doing it while the kids and I are up at the cottage. It really is amicable. I think I am figuring out how to be around him; it's hard, i am used to touching him and saying pet names and saying i love yous and being loving.

What would you guys do?

cottage is from July 28-Aug11.

I might be worrying for nothing, see them take this in stride-ish. lol. My kids always amaze and surprise me. I think it'll really sink in once he's gone. They do miss him when he's gone on trips or even just the evening.

thanks you guys.
Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: February 10th, 2009, 9:24 pm

July 16th, 2012, 3:43 am #2

Im trying to put myself in your shoes. A cabin I love where I want to return. and I dont want the kids to associate the separation with the cabin. Not easy, any way you do it. In either way, I think you will be able to create new memories at the cabin, or you will find a new cabin all your own to start creating different memories down the road....

Whats the deal with the Aug. 1 move out date? Did he rent an apt., and thats when the lease begins? It seems odd that he plans his exit date smack in the middle of the cabin dates, unless he plans that as his move-out time. You deserve for him to be honest with you as to his exit plans, for your and the kids sake. Have you asked him his plan? If it were me, Id want to know and wouldnt want to know, all at the same time....

If your husband goes with you to the cabin and is going to stay the whole time, then Id say tell them when you get back from the cabin. if he only plans to stay a few days at the cabin and then leave and move out, then maybe tell them at the cabin? I think it would be strange to tell them beforehand and then you all go to the cabin together (just trying to put myself in your and the kids shoes)

If he tells you he isnt going to the cabin, then I think Id tell them beforehand, especially if he will be moving his studio while youre away. I dont know, but maybe it will be a bit easier for his things to leave the house while youre not there? I cant imagine standing in the hall while my DH carried things out of the house (gives me a lump in my throat just thinking about it for you, I am so sorry that he cant see his way through this obsession)

I dont know if you got a chance to purchase the Mister ROgers divorce book (its on Amazon) I recall that he has a section for parents in the back of the book on this very topic (only in relation to divorce, though I imagine the important points would be the same for both situations), and the important things to say when you deliver the news.

And for what its worth, I still dont think hes in as much love as he is infatuated. He has been with you forever, and you are like comfortable slippers. She is just new and different, and he doesnt parent with her, so it is totally different than being married.

Please try not to blame yourself for what is totally his undoing....

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Joined: January 27th, 2003, 11:09 pm

July 16th, 2012, 11:08 am #3

I wanted the kids to know today but we delayed telling them because we just had to go to his mother's for dinner (btw, I didn't take any her criticisms towards my kids this time, called her on ever one of them. grrrr. she had 4 kids yet she has forgotten how loud kids can be, how excited and pouty even. But then, maybe she was busy telling them to shush and send them outside which might explain the issues my H has ...)

and now I am second guessing when we should tell the kids. His big exit is August 1st which is smack dab when we are at a cottage (rented for 2wks) and I don't want them to come home with all his stuff out and we say, oh by the way, yeah, he's living somewhere else now.
BUT I don't want them to know too soon so that his presence in the house gives them hope that he's staying (I have lived that way for months and it's hell, excuse my French)

I also don't want them to associate this cottage with his leaving. It's a cute little place,great beach and affordable-ish so we might want to go back next year; it's a cheap way to have a vacation.
He's coming up to stay with us, I think--I still have to discuss this with him and make him answer me. It might be tricky since as far as I can tell, he hasn't packed any of his home studio so maybe he's thinking of doing it while the kids and I are up at the cottage. It really is amicable. I think I am figuring out how to be around him; it's hard, i am used to touching him and saying pet names and saying i love yous and being loving.

What would you guys do?

cottage is from July 28-Aug11.

I might be worrying for nothing, see them take this in stride-ish. lol. My kids always amaze and surprise me. I think it'll really sink in once he's gone. They do miss him when he's gone on trips or even just the evening.

thanks you guys.
Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think I tend to err on the side of saying too much, so I would probably tell them soon, before the vacation, and I don't know if that's good advice or not, but it's the way I'd approach it. I think I'd try to frame it all in terms of how in life, some things change and some things stay the same, and emphasize that you were friends with DH before and that part will stay the same. You are still family, but the living arrangements will change. I wouldn't worry too much about them associating the vacation place with the end of things.

I am sorry you are going through this, Julie. In a weird way, though, I am excited for you, too. Endless possibilities and experiences stretch ahead of you. This may prove to be a really amazing year. I'm sure it will be a growing one.

love,
MM
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

July 16th, 2012, 12:34 pm #4

I wanted the kids to know today but we delayed telling them because we just had to go to his mother's for dinner (btw, I didn't take any her criticisms towards my kids this time, called her on ever one of them. grrrr. she had 4 kids yet she has forgotten how loud kids can be, how excited and pouty even. But then, maybe she was busy telling them to shush and send them outside which might explain the issues my H has ...)

and now I am second guessing when we should tell the kids. His big exit is August 1st which is smack dab when we are at a cottage (rented for 2wks) and I don't want them to come home with all his stuff out and we say, oh by the way, yeah, he's living somewhere else now.
BUT I don't want them to know too soon so that his presence in the house gives them hope that he's staying (I have lived that way for months and it's hell, excuse my French)

I also don't want them to associate this cottage with his leaving. It's a cute little place,great beach and affordable-ish so we might want to go back next year; it's a cheap way to have a vacation.
He's coming up to stay with us, I think--I still have to discuss this with him and make him answer me. It might be tricky since as far as I can tell, he hasn't packed any of his home studio so maybe he's thinking of doing it while the kids and I are up at the cottage. It really is amicable. I think I am figuring out how to be around him; it's hard, i am used to touching him and saying pet names and saying i love yous and being loving.

What would you guys do?

cottage is from July 28-Aug11.

I might be worrying for nothing, see them take this in stride-ish. lol. My kids always amaze and surprise me. I think it'll really sink in once he's gone. They do miss him when he's gone on trips or even just the evening.

thanks you guys.
Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm thinking tell them before you go to the cabin, and then use that time to explore your new family dynamics and future, but IMO, his coming to the cabin would upset that. If you can get him to stay away from the cabin, then you could work on reassuring them that your new life will be good.

Wtf can't he mold his schedule around them for a change? Who's the adult? IDK, but maybe you could decide when YOU think is the ideal time/setting and then lay down the law to him.




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
Last edited by goldiescholar on July 16th, 2012, 12:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: February 22nd, 2006, 4:05 am

July 16th, 2012, 12:59 pm #5

I wanted the kids to know today but we delayed telling them because we just had to go to his mother's for dinner (btw, I didn't take any her criticisms towards my kids this time, called her on ever one of them. grrrr. she had 4 kids yet she has forgotten how loud kids can be, how excited and pouty even. But then, maybe she was busy telling them to shush and send them outside which might explain the issues my H has ...)

and now I am second guessing when we should tell the kids. His big exit is August 1st which is smack dab when we are at a cottage (rented for 2wks) and I don't want them to come home with all his stuff out and we say, oh by the way, yeah, he's living somewhere else now.
BUT I don't want them to know too soon so that his presence in the house gives them hope that he's staying (I have lived that way for months and it's hell, excuse my French)

I also don't want them to associate this cottage with his leaving. It's a cute little place,great beach and affordable-ish so we might want to go back next year; it's a cheap way to have a vacation.
He's coming up to stay with us, I think--I still have to discuss this with him and make him answer me. It might be tricky since as far as I can tell, he hasn't packed any of his home studio so maybe he's thinking of doing it while the kids and I are up at the cottage. It really is amicable. I think I am figuring out how to be around him; it's hard, i am used to touching him and saying pet names and saying i love yous and being loving.

What would you guys do?

cottage is from July 28-Aug11.

I might be worrying for nothing, see them take this in stride-ish. lol. My kids always amaze and surprise me. I think it'll really sink in once he's gone. They do miss him when he's gone on trips or even just the evening.

thanks you guys.
Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is themm them after the cottage:

Before - they will be upset, worry without him to answer questions, it could ruin their stay at the cottage and ruin future stays, etc.

After, so they come home to his things gone, that's a great opener to the conversation but also he can find his butt at your house on the day you are back so that you can both address this together with the kids and he can explain why his things are gone.

I wouldn't ruin any part of my kids fun on this guys behalf. Besides if they know beforehand, when you're at the cottage, then the responsibility to explain everything will be on you ALL THE TIME, with constant reminders. You know how kids can be, the same questions over and over again. Not fair to you, or to them, while he gets to relax and who knows what else while you're agonizing with the kids. I say give everybody a break and call him on his responsibility on your return.

Save them and yourself the agony. Think about telling them after and including him in the process as soon as you return.

Every body has great suggestions for before but this is just my 10 pence,
Z.
Last edited by ZakiaZ on July 16th, 2012, 1:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

July 16th, 2012, 2:44 pm #6

I wanted the kids to know today but we delayed telling them because we just had to go to his mother's for dinner (btw, I didn't take any her criticisms towards my kids this time, called her on ever one of them. grrrr. she had 4 kids yet she has forgotten how loud kids can be, how excited and pouty even. But then, maybe she was busy telling them to shush and send them outside which might explain the issues my H has ...)

and now I am second guessing when we should tell the kids. His big exit is August 1st which is smack dab when we are at a cottage (rented for 2wks) and I don't want them to come home with all his stuff out and we say, oh by the way, yeah, he's living somewhere else now.
BUT I don't want them to know too soon so that his presence in the house gives them hope that he's staying (I have lived that way for months and it's hell, excuse my French)

I also don't want them to associate this cottage with his leaving. It's a cute little place,great beach and affordable-ish so we might want to go back next year; it's a cheap way to have a vacation.
He's coming up to stay with us, I think--I still have to discuss this with him and make him answer me. It might be tricky since as far as I can tell, he hasn't packed any of his home studio so maybe he's thinking of doing it while the kids and I are up at the cottage. It really is amicable. I think I am figuring out how to be around him; it's hard, i am used to touching him and saying pet names and saying i love yous and being loving.

What would you guys do?

cottage is from July 28-Aug11.

I might be worrying for nothing, see them take this in stride-ish. lol. My kids always amaze and surprise me. I think it'll really sink in once he's gone. They do miss him when he's gone on trips or even just the evening.

thanks you guys.
Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
every point given is great and the same that run through my head over and over.

a good friend remembers when her parents told them about their breakup, they took the kids to an amusement park, had a lovely weekend, got home and told them THEN. She still associates that park with when her whole life changed.

I think they'll remember the cottage with it no matter what and I feel and think that coming home to his stuff gone would be too big of a shock, you know??

Bad timing with the cottage, we rented it before all this. Since I just found out the extent of his feelings only a little over a week ago. Feels like a month ago. What a rocky time we've had for a long time now. Mostly since she entered into our lives--he wasn't very happy before that but I just thought it was because life was hard (money, kids) but I see now that he was also battling how his feelings for me had changed. That hurts but it is what it is.

One big slamming door but so many more opening, you know?? (trying to keep optimistic. Today is a bit harder. Coming here helps)

It's hard to find a place for Aug 1st. When he admitted his true feelings, well, I wanted him out so that is how Aug 1st was decided and then I realized it's was in the middle of our vacation.
I don't think there is a "good" time.

It's true the kids will have blue moments at the cottage, asking lots of questions, that is what they do, especially my DS, he'll keep asking until he feels satisfied that nothing is being hidden from him (I swear he'll be a lawyer but for the downtrodden because his sense of justice and care is so immediate)

Thanks you guys, it's making me think and that is good.

Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: September 4th, 2004, 1:08 am

July 16th, 2012, 3:45 pm #7

What is magical about aug 1st. Just wonder if you should have him leave now and tell the kids now so no association with the beach house and you can have a good time not worrying about him and if he is packing and if he is coming at all. Personally once the decision is made, I would have to have him just leave, I couldn't handle being around him. Just my thoughts.
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Joined: February 22nd, 2006, 4:05 am

July 16th, 2012, 3:54 pm #8

Heck he must have family he can stay at!!!

Gosh I gotta stop posting. I'm at work.

Z.
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Joined: December 24th, 2004, 3:57 am

July 16th, 2012, 4:39 pm #9

What is magical about aug 1st. Just wonder if you should have him leave now and tell the kids now so no association with the beach house and you can have a good time not worrying about him and if he is packing and if he is coming at all. Personally once the decision is made, I would have to have him just leave, I couldn't handle being around him. Just my thoughts.
August 1 is more than two weeks away. He has made his decision and this is it. You all have talked about it and have agreed (because of his actions) that the marriage is over.

Why are you waiting for his to move out now?

He needs to pack his things, arrange for a place to stay and be out in the next two days. Serious property can be sorted out later--right now he needs to get his clothes and those types of things out. Hopefully, you all can both be strong for the kids.

Arrange for the kids to be someplace else while he gets his suitcases out. Then the two of you sit the kids down and be honest with them. You guys love them and you will always be a team for them but you don't want to be married anymore.

Take the high road. Maybe (gritting my teeth) dad can have a few days alone with the kids at the cottage.

going on a "family" vacation just makes things bizarre for the kids, IMO.

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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

July 16th, 2012, 5:54 pm #10

What is magical about aug 1st. Just wonder if you should have him leave now and tell the kids now so no association with the beach house and you can have a good time not worrying about him and if he is packing and if he is coming at all. Personally once the decision is made, I would have to have him just leave, I couldn't handle being around him. Just my thoughts.
It's hard because I am still in wife mode and still want to be his wife (but less now that I know *more*) so yes, I'd like him out.

Aug 1st was just when he'd be able to get an apt. I will have to talk to him tonight...it's getting him to talk that is tricky.
He is very frustrating.

thanks for your thoughts
jm


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last edited by juliemam on July 16th, 2012, 6:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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