what to say to the kids about separating

what to say to the kids about separating

Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

March 31st, 2012, 2:22 pm #1

I might be jumping the gun here but as it stands, hubby is pretty sure he wants out.

So what do I tell the kids? What does HE tell the kids?

you can bet I'll be googling the heck out of this subject but for now I was wondering if any of you have personal experience.

The week away hasn't even started yet but here I am with plan b.

I am still fuming and can't talk to him with out arguing. (which only reaffirms in his mind that we don't belong together but frankly, that is immature and his issues. not mine. I think a good argument is healthy)

thanks for being here for me.
julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: December 6th, 2011, 5:57 am

March 31st, 2012, 3:13 pm #2

I can't describe the way I feel about separations.
I really hurt for you.

From my experience in life, I would suggest to always leave a door open. no matter what.
Most separations are based on egos.
when children are involved, ego should be put aside.
the motto that leads me in life is respect.
the worst example a kid gets from a parent is disrespect to the other, so never let them see this coming from you.
If HE talks nasty of you - the kids will only want to protect you - they will probably never sympathize with his talk against you. They love you.

I hope my wording is understood (bad En).

I also found this for you:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm
Adee
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Joined: February 16th, 2006, 7:00 pm

March 31st, 2012, 5:09 pm #3

I might be jumping the gun here but as it stands, hubby is pretty sure he wants out.

So what do I tell the kids? What does HE tell the kids?

you can bet I'll be googling the heck out of this subject but for now I was wondering if any of you have personal experience.

The week away hasn't even started yet but here I am with plan b.

I am still fuming and can't talk to him with out arguing. (which only reaffirms in his mind that we don't belong together but frankly, that is immature and his issues. not mine. I think a good argument is healthy)

thanks for being here for me.
julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe do not say anything to the children until it is a known thing?

For me it is very true that mad covers sad - which means, when we act mad/angry what we are covering up is a sadness. OF COURSE you two cannot nicely to each other - you are deeply hurt. Don't beat yourself up on this point, please.
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Joined: February 16th, 2006, 1:10 am

March 31st, 2012, 6:19 pm #4

I might be jumping the gun here but as it stands, hubby is pretty sure he wants out.

So what do I tell the kids? What does HE tell the kids?

you can bet I'll be googling the heck out of this subject but for now I was wondering if any of you have personal experience.

The week away hasn't even started yet but here I am with plan b.

I am still fuming and can't talk to him with out arguing. (which only reaffirms in his mind that we don't belong together but frankly, that is immature and his issues. not mine. I think a good argument is healthy)

thanks for being here for me.
julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh I wish I could help you. I was in such a fit this week that I never even read your post until today. SORRY!!!!
I hope you find lots and lots of help here and don't ever worry about the responses. Sometimes there is time and others not. Everyone knows!

As far as what to tell the kids... I always say "I don't know" If you tell them something is not going to happen and then it does, it breaks their trust. You can just tell them you don't know because you don't or tell them you don't know when you aren't ready to share the truth. That's what I do anyway. I know at times the limbo is also hard for kids, but let them know there will always be love and joyful things coming for them no matter what happens.

As far as your dh goes, I have never been in your exact spot. I have been in many relationship struggles, though, and these past 2 years have taught me a lot. The best thing I've learned so far is that you have to really figure out what your demands are and stick by them. You have to take your power over yourself back. Your dh can't have the power to decide your future.

I would go on the trip (possibly even not send dd to ballet that week and make her first day the following week. She won't miss anything on the first day and you can have a re-do when you return)

Like I said, not in your spot, but know that I'm just a fork in the road aways from it. I've been blessed with a happy marraige, but I'm not naive. I have a plan if it happens that is swift and detailed (happy to share if you are interested) so please know that we are all in this with you!!!!




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Joined: July 7th, 2009, 1:19 pm

March 31st, 2012, 8:29 pm #5

I might be jumping the gun here but as it stands, hubby is pretty sure he wants out.

So what do I tell the kids? What does HE tell the kids?

you can bet I'll be googling the heck out of this subject but for now I was wondering if any of you have personal experience.

The week away hasn't even started yet but here I am with plan b.

I am still fuming and can't talk to him with out arguing. (which only reaffirms in his mind that we don't belong together but frankly, that is immature and his issues. not mine. I think a good argument is healthy)

thanks for being here for me.
julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Certainly have not been in your shoes and am sorry you are thinking that this is going to be the answer for you, both. But maybe it's for the best.

I'm not sure I would say anything until you and DH make some plans and decide - that way both of you are on the same page and will have already agreed to this, that or the other before you say anything to the kids. Im sure once you say something they are going to ask more questions...

I guess if you are thinking that you are going to be getting questions from them I would be as vague as possible and say nothing has been decided yet. or you don't know yet., or you can always ask a question - and that diverts you from having to answer any questions.

Hope this break will be relaxing for you!

Hugs!

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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

March 31st, 2012, 8:37 pm #6

I might be jumping the gun here but as it stands, hubby is pretty sure he wants out.

So what do I tell the kids? What does HE tell the kids?

you can bet I'll be googling the heck out of this subject but for now I was wondering if any of you have personal experience.

The week away hasn't even started yet but here I am with plan b.

I am still fuming and can't talk to him with out arguing. (which only reaffirms in his mind that we don't belong together but frankly, that is immature and his issues. not mine. I think a good argument is healthy)

thanks for being here for me.
julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reassure them that they will always be taken care of. Listen to their feelings. I agree with the other posters not to say too much until you really know what's going on. I think it's OK to tell them you're having a hard time, because they already see that. They can seriously smell a lie a mile away. But of course don't go into details about your own feelings with them (save that for girlfriends and your therapist) and have them emotionally take care of you (not remotely suggesting you would, but something for everything to keep in mind). I'm really sorry. My DH and I had the start of a "should we get divorced?" chat this weekend. We were on vacation with the kids AND I was super sick. Great timing on his part, eh? Absolutely without a clue or a sensitive bone in his body. Anyway, he said he'd do anything to make things work, but we'll see. I've heard it before.

So hugs to you as you navigate this, honey.,
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Joined: February 10th, 2009, 9:24 pm

March 31st, 2012, 9:38 pm #7

I might be jumping the gun here but as it stands, hubby is pretty sure he wants out.

So what do I tell the kids? What does HE tell the kids?

you can bet I'll be googling the heck out of this subject but for now I was wondering if any of you have personal experience.

The week away hasn't even started yet but here I am with plan b.

I am still fuming and can't talk to him with out arguing. (which only reaffirms in his mind that we don't belong together but frankly, that is immature and his issues. not mine. I think a good argument is healthy)

thanks for being here for me.
julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heres an article from PBS that I think is an excerpt from Mister Rogers:

http://www.pbs.org/parents/rogers/theme/1476_p_art.html

Also, he has a book about talking about divorce geared to children (but I dont know if it mentions separation too) I would imagine the advice would be the same.

http://www.amazon.com/Lets-Talk-About-I ... 691&sr=8-8

It looks he has another book that may be geared more towards the parents:

http://www.amazon.com/Mister-Rogers-Tal ... 789&sr=8-2

I havent been in your position (not yet, at least), but these are the books that I would probably read first.

I am so, so sorry, JM....

Big hugs,

Pink
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Joined: February 20th, 2006, 11:35 pm

April 1st, 2012, 12:42 am #8

I might be jumping the gun here but as it stands, hubby is pretty sure he wants out.

So what do I tell the kids? What does HE tell the kids?

you can bet I'll be googling the heck out of this subject but for now I was wondering if any of you have personal experience.

The week away hasn't even started yet but here I am with plan b.

I am still fuming and can't talk to him with out arguing. (which only reaffirms in his mind that we don't belong together but frankly, that is immature and his issues. not mine. I think a good argument is healthy)

thanks for being here for me.
julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just saw your posts, both from yesterday and this morning's. I'm so so sorry this is so tough. I am glad you are going away for a week (and just sorry it's not to come see me -- you know you are always welcome here, anytime!)

I think with the kids you can be honest to a point (mommy and daddy are unhappy with each other and need some time apart to think things through), let them know how much you love them and that this is not about them at all. I kmnow I've read a lot about kids thinking they were the cause of their parents splitting and so you want to reassure them how wonderful they are and that mommy and daddy will take care of them and things will be okay.

I hope you have a good week of taking good and gentle care of just yourself -- you deserve it more than anyone I know.

xoxox
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Joined: February 5th, 2009, 2:45 am

April 1st, 2012, 12:46 am #9

I might be jumping the gun here but as it stands, hubby is pretty sure he wants out.

So what do I tell the kids? What does HE tell the kids?

you can bet I'll be googling the heck out of this subject but for now I was wondering if any of you have personal experience.

The week away hasn't even started yet but here I am with plan b.

I am still fuming and can't talk to him with out arguing. (which only reaffirms in his mind that we don't belong together but frankly, that is immature and his issues. not mine. I think a good argument is healthy)

thanks for being here for me.
julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First, I'm sorry about this. This happened to me exactly 3 months ago, so here are some thoughts:

- If you can, get on the same page w/your H and discuss what you're going to say to the kids and when you'll say it. Make sure he doesn't start talking about it while you're gone (and trying to gain their sympathy). I wouldn't trust him personally.
- I got a ton of books from the library, including books targeted to kids, before speaking with my kids. It is difficult to say the least, but they and you will get through it.
- Constantly talk to and reassure your kids afterwards. They will think it's their fault at some level no matter what you or they say. Try to keep things as normal as possible for them, although they may need to drop some extracurricular things as they process and work through what's going on.
- Expect that there is someone else and prepare for that. If there isn't, your H will be the one in a million. My first clue was for all the books I got from the library, my X glommed onto "don't return the clothes with dirty laundry" and "don't ask the kids what they did while they were gone." If your H is focused more on himself than the kids, there's your answer.
- For some reason I think you're a lawyer, but if you're not, get a good one. And a therapist.
- Be honest with your kids. If your H is like my X, he won't be, and your kids need to know that someone will be honest with them. "I don't know" is ok to say, such as if your DS asks about divorce again.
- Your kids will probably act up, especially with you because they know you're not the one leaving. Again, a good therapist is key to help you navigate. There's nothing harder than dealing with your own stuff on top of that of your kids (and all the bs your H is sure to throw your way), but you WILL make it through.

Others, especially Renata, have good suggestions. You are a strong woman who is there for your kids. It completely sucks, but you will get through it. I've also found talking with friends or family who have gone through separation/divorce is essential - only they truly know what you're dealing with.
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Joined: February 22nd, 2006, 4:05 am

April 1st, 2012, 2:06 am #10

I might be jumping the gun here but as it stands, hubby is pretty sure he wants out.

So what do I tell the kids? What does HE tell the kids?

you can bet I'll be googling the heck out of this subject but for now I was wondering if any of you have personal experience.

The week away hasn't even started yet but here I am with plan b.

I am still fuming and can't talk to him with out arguing. (which only reaffirms in his mind that we don't belong together but frankly, that is immature and his issues. not mine. I think a good argument is healthy)

thanks for being here for me.
julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I will email you.

Hugs,
Z.
p.s. just emailed. Check your other acc.
Last edited by ZakiaZ on April 1st, 2012, 2:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
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