Were we mean? To our 4 year old and parents

Were we mean? To our 4 year old and parents

Joined: December 29th, 2006, 10:07 am

May 24th, 2012, 11:07 pm #1

Today, my DS came back from swim lesson with his grandparents (my inlaws) with a bottle of fizzy drink. Something I just won't allow my DS to have because I have told him it will rot his teeth (to which my DS said to me today "I don't care about my teeth). I have previously told his grandparents I do not want him to drink fizzy drinks and that I can just about tolerate juice but my preference is, that he gets water or milk.

So I tell my DS he should not be drinking that stuff - (actually I could see he really was not liking it, he could only sip it) but he insisted on keeping the bottle. Anyway, I went off to feed my baby as I give up on my inlaws - they are always giving my kids things that I don't want them to have or to do and I really do not like telling them off. Buy my DH took the bottle off my DS and poured it down the kitchen sink and my DS was very upset (but cheered up 5 mins later) but DH did say his parents were not very happy and instead of leaving tomorrow for home they left tonight (but there was no bad atmosphere - we all made an effort to be jolly and nice but I think their feelings have been hurt).

But my inlaws either just do not seem to take on board after 5 years (well my DS will be 5 in a couple of days) that we have certain beliefs in what our kids should have (I have told them I hate lollipops but my boys frequently come back from the shop with lollipops they have bought them). I told my DS no ipad since it was 8pm (ie bedtime) and yet my FIL turned it on and next thing the boys are playing computer games (which is not great for inducing sleepiness is it!). Sometimes I think he is blatantly trying to wind me up, sometimes I think he is just does not think (depends what mood I am in).

Sometimes I feel bad for trying to limit their indulgences but most of the time, they irk me so much as I feel they just think they can do whatever they want (I swear if I wanted to raise my kids to be vegetarian, they would still feed them sausages!).

plus, I have chosen not to be offended by my MIL's comment - oh you look great from behind in that outfit but yes, you still have the belly (yes, it was only 8 weeks ago that I gave birth to my 4th child) but thanks!
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

May 25th, 2012, 2:52 am #2

but perhaps fighting a losing battle?

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that we don't have a lot of control over our kids, and apparently some of us have even less control over our adult in-laws!

I do sympathize so much with your issue. And if you're biting your tongue with comments like that from her, you're an angel!

Do they live pretty far away? You mentioned that they cut short a visit in your home, and it sounded like this was multiple nights.

I think I'd probably try to split the difference, fight the battles that are most important and let the others go. If their teeth are in fairly good condition, maybe the rare soda can be tolerated (without caffeine, of course). Or if you don't mind them being sleepy the next day, the rare bed-time video game. I guess with the game, especially, if grandparents are there the next morning, you could make them deal with the grumpy, sleepy kids. Not as easy to make them deal with cavities.

I never had spoiling grandparents who doted on me, but I've heard about them, and what I've heard is that it's very special to kids to have someone like that in their lives. But if these are ppl who see the kids every week, then yes, there needs to be respect for your rules!

So I'm suggesting that you consider how often the outrageous spoiling occurs, and if it's rare, then pick something you can live with and negotiate. Something like, "The sodas are a non-starter because of Jr's horrific dental visit, but if you'll deal with the kids in the morning while I sleep in, you can have 15 minutes of video games with them tonight."

GL! Certainly anything concerning the kids' safety is out of the question. (I'm thinking of the time that mil had 3yo ds help her clean essence of raw turkey out of an ice chest, or when fil set 5yo ds on top of a tractor and turned on the ignition.)




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
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Joined: February 10th, 2009, 9:24 pm

May 25th, 2012, 3:28 am #3

Today, my DS came back from swim lesson with his grandparents (my inlaws) with a bottle of fizzy drink. Something I just won't allow my DS to have because I have told him it will rot his teeth (to which my DS said to me today "I don't care about my teeth). I have previously told his grandparents I do not want him to drink fizzy drinks and that I can just about tolerate juice but my preference is, that he gets water or milk.

So I tell my DS he should not be drinking that stuff - (actually I could see he really was not liking it, he could only sip it) but he insisted on keeping the bottle. Anyway, I went off to feed my baby as I give up on my inlaws - they are always giving my kids things that I don't want them to have or to do and I really do not like telling them off. Buy my DH took the bottle off my DS and poured it down the kitchen sink and my DS was very upset (but cheered up 5 mins later) but DH did say his parents were not very happy and instead of leaving tomorrow for home they left tonight (but there was no bad atmosphere - we all made an effort to be jolly and nice but I think their feelings have been hurt).

But my inlaws either just do not seem to take on board after 5 years (well my DS will be 5 in a couple of days) that we have certain beliefs in what our kids should have (I have told them I hate lollipops but my boys frequently come back from the shop with lollipops they have bought them). I told my DS no ipad since it was 8pm (ie bedtime) and yet my FIL turned it on and next thing the boys are playing computer games (which is not great for inducing sleepiness is it!). Sometimes I think he is blatantly trying to wind me up, sometimes I think he is just does not think (depends what mood I am in).

Sometimes I feel bad for trying to limit their indulgences but most of the time, they irk me so much as I feel they just think they can do whatever they want (I swear if I wanted to raise my kids to be vegetarian, they would still feed them sausages!).

plus, I have chosen not to be offended by my MIL's comment - oh you look great from behind in that outfit but yes, you still have the belly (yes, it was only 8 weeks ago that I gave birth to my 4th child) but thanks!
Trying to put myself in your shoes, I think I would pick my battles on some of these issues. If the grandparents want to spoil your kids a little bit by allowing things that you dont, I think that may give your kids a really good feeling about their grandparents. And I bet that the grandparents are doing these things because they want the chance to spoil in a way that they know that parents cannot!! Why not let your kids break the rules a bit while under grandparents care? I wish my kids grandparents lived close so they could spoil them a bit.

If they were drinking soda, be sure they brush their teeth extra well when they get home.

If it was the computer, I would be sure and tell your kids what an extra special treat it was that they are allowed to do that at Grandpas house, etc..... ( and pray they can sleep that night, or let the grandparents keep them at their house on those special nights!!)

Now if it was a safety concern, I wouldnt budge on those issues.

That comment on your belly, well, that was totally uncalled for. Its unbelievable to me how honest some people are, especially the elderly.

You have such a full, full plate. I dont know how you do it Mo. My hats off to you!!

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Joined: January 19th, 2007, 7:18 pm

May 25th, 2012, 5:01 am #4

Today, my DS came back from swim lesson with his grandparents (my inlaws) with a bottle of fizzy drink. Something I just won't allow my DS to have because I have told him it will rot his teeth (to which my DS said to me today "I don't care about my teeth). I have previously told his grandparents I do not want him to drink fizzy drinks and that I can just about tolerate juice but my preference is, that he gets water or milk.

So I tell my DS he should not be drinking that stuff - (actually I could see he really was not liking it, he could only sip it) but he insisted on keeping the bottle. Anyway, I went off to feed my baby as I give up on my inlaws - they are always giving my kids things that I don't want them to have or to do and I really do not like telling them off. Buy my DH took the bottle off my DS and poured it down the kitchen sink and my DS was very upset (but cheered up 5 mins later) but DH did say his parents were not very happy and instead of leaving tomorrow for home they left tonight (but there was no bad atmosphere - we all made an effort to be jolly and nice but I think their feelings have been hurt).

But my inlaws either just do not seem to take on board after 5 years (well my DS will be 5 in a couple of days) that we have certain beliefs in what our kids should have (I have told them I hate lollipops but my boys frequently come back from the shop with lollipops they have bought them). I told my DS no ipad since it was 8pm (ie bedtime) and yet my FIL turned it on and next thing the boys are playing computer games (which is not great for inducing sleepiness is it!). Sometimes I think he is blatantly trying to wind me up, sometimes I think he is just does not think (depends what mood I am in).

Sometimes I feel bad for trying to limit their indulgences but most of the time, they irk me so much as I feel they just think they can do whatever they want (I swear if I wanted to raise my kids to be vegetarian, they would still feed them sausages!).

plus, I have chosen not to be offended by my MIL's comment - oh you look great from behind in that outfit but yes, you still have the belly (yes, it was only 8 weeks ago that I gave birth to my 4th child) but thanks!
Take a step back & pick your battles. We face the same & like you, we do water or milk. Rarely juice & never soda.

Am I thrilled our parents (my mom, mil, & fil are all guilty) think it's great or OK to do soda? No, but is it the end of the world? No.

The occasional soda with grandparents is not a battle to fight. Think of the fond memories your kids will hopefully have one day of "breaking the rules" or whatever with grandma & grandpa.

Now if they watched them every day, that would be a different story.

Fil & mil took our boys to a park with rides last weekend. I saw from the photos, ahem, that the kids had missiles to eat. We don't buy that stuff for them, but whatever. It's fine. It's an occasional treat.

Same with videos or TV or whatever at bedtime. If grandma & grandpa don't visit often & it doesn't actually affect anything major, let it go.

In my experience, whether it be your parents or your in-laws, but particularly in-laws, they are trying to have their own relationship with their grandkids without alienating you. Try to facilitate that, which means biting your tongue when you can & picking your battles. I watched this with my mom. She felt much more free with our kids than my brother's child, due to sil. I try to take a step back with my in-laws & really encourage them to have their own relationship with the boys, without me hovering or interfering unless it's a big issue.

Don't hover & don't nitpick. But the big battles, heck yes, stand your ground. And biting your tongue when you did? Great job! Is your mil insane?? Not an OK comment on your weight or appearance, unless it's an unqualified compliment!

So yeah, I would let the one soda & the videos go. The beauty is that kids know full well from an early age when something is special or different. Let them cherish that, unless is really negatively affects something.

If it turns into disrespecting you & flouting major rules all the time, that is different. But if it's an occasional soda or whatever, let them enjoy it, as it's about grandma & grandpa & grandkids, not about you.

But do I think you're mean? No. When & where to draw the line is a constant consideration. I still don't see why our kids need to have soda, but we have decided to let the occasional transgression pass, despite it all.

(Sorry for all the repetition above.) I wanted to add that sometimes something with in-laws, usually fil, will really irk me. At times & upon later reflection, I will realize it wasn't a big deal & be glad I bit my tongue. Other times, yes, something needs to be said & dh will usually do that since he & I do tend to agree. So it may be that at the end of a visit, you're tired - you have a newborn so of course you're tired - & the littler things build. It's a thought.

I hope the above doesn't sound like I'm coming down on you. It's not meant to. I get it. My mom & my in-laws have both done some things lately when they've had the boys that, while not warranting a battle, were nonetheless irritating & not things we really appreciated them doing. So I do get it.



Last edited by ariadne2 on May 25th, 2012, 2:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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cy2
Joined: February 16th, 2006, 6:45 pm

May 25th, 2012, 8:07 am #5

Today, my DS came back from swim lesson with his grandparents (my inlaws) with a bottle of fizzy drink. Something I just won't allow my DS to have because I have told him it will rot his teeth (to which my DS said to me today "I don't care about my teeth). I have previously told his grandparents I do not want him to drink fizzy drinks and that I can just about tolerate juice but my preference is, that he gets water or milk.

So I tell my DS he should not be drinking that stuff - (actually I could see he really was not liking it, he could only sip it) but he insisted on keeping the bottle. Anyway, I went off to feed my baby as I give up on my inlaws - they are always giving my kids things that I don't want them to have or to do and I really do not like telling them off. Buy my DH took the bottle off my DS and poured it down the kitchen sink and my DS was very upset (but cheered up 5 mins later) but DH did say his parents were not very happy and instead of leaving tomorrow for home they left tonight (but there was no bad atmosphere - we all made an effort to be jolly and nice but I think their feelings have been hurt).

But my inlaws either just do not seem to take on board after 5 years (well my DS will be 5 in a couple of days) that we have certain beliefs in what our kids should have (I have told them I hate lollipops but my boys frequently come back from the shop with lollipops they have bought them). I told my DS no ipad since it was 8pm (ie bedtime) and yet my FIL turned it on and next thing the boys are playing computer games (which is not great for inducing sleepiness is it!). Sometimes I think he is blatantly trying to wind me up, sometimes I think he is just does not think (depends what mood I am in).

Sometimes I feel bad for trying to limit their indulgences but most of the time, they irk me so much as I feel they just think they can do whatever they want (I swear if I wanted to raise my kids to be vegetarian, they would still feed them sausages!).

plus, I have chosen not to be offended by my MIL's comment - oh you look great from behind in that outfit but yes, you still have the belly (yes, it was only 8 weeks ago that I gave birth to my 4th child) but thanks!
to have a little leeway with the rules because that is what makes them so special. I think things like candy and soda are relatively harmless, unless you're guzzling the soda from a bottle and use it as a pacifier to fall asleep.

It would be nice if they would ask you first if you can make an exception to the sugar/soda rule because it is a special day (that allows you to make an exception to the rules so that your children don't think that the rules no longer apply.) Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to get into a power struggle with in-laws or even children over a soda or candy.

We tend to be very liberal about letting DS eat almost anything, as long as he has eaten reasonably during the day. On special occasions, I just let him eat whatever he wants. It's just not worth the hassle and it ruins the meal/occasion for everyone. Since we don't have special occasions where he is free to pick and choose his food very often, I try to have him eat healthily before the event or if that fails, we restrict sweets/junk for a couple days after.

DS is quite thin, and I'm always trying to get him to consume extra calories though. If he was overweight, then I would be more strict with his diet.

Good luck!


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Joined: June 24th, 2005, 12:12 am

May 25th, 2012, 4:04 pm #6

Today, my DS came back from swim lesson with his grandparents (my inlaws) with a bottle of fizzy drink. Something I just won't allow my DS to have because I have told him it will rot his teeth (to which my DS said to me today "I don't care about my teeth). I have previously told his grandparents I do not want him to drink fizzy drinks and that I can just about tolerate juice but my preference is, that he gets water or milk.

So I tell my DS he should not be drinking that stuff - (actually I could see he really was not liking it, he could only sip it) but he insisted on keeping the bottle. Anyway, I went off to feed my baby as I give up on my inlaws - they are always giving my kids things that I don't want them to have or to do and I really do not like telling them off. Buy my DH took the bottle off my DS and poured it down the kitchen sink and my DS was very upset (but cheered up 5 mins later) but DH did say his parents were not very happy and instead of leaving tomorrow for home they left tonight (but there was no bad atmosphere - we all made an effort to be jolly and nice but I think their feelings have been hurt).

But my inlaws either just do not seem to take on board after 5 years (well my DS will be 5 in a couple of days) that we have certain beliefs in what our kids should have (I have told them I hate lollipops but my boys frequently come back from the shop with lollipops they have bought them). I told my DS no ipad since it was 8pm (ie bedtime) and yet my FIL turned it on and next thing the boys are playing computer games (which is not great for inducing sleepiness is it!). Sometimes I think he is blatantly trying to wind me up, sometimes I think he is just does not think (depends what mood I am in).

Sometimes I feel bad for trying to limit their indulgences but most of the time, they irk me so much as I feel they just think they can do whatever they want (I swear if I wanted to raise my kids to be vegetarian, they would still feed them sausages!).

plus, I have chosen not to be offended by my MIL's comment - oh you look great from behind in that outfit but yes, you still have the belly (yes, it was only 8 weeks ago that I gave birth to my 4th child) but thanks!
It is hard enough to raise our kids how we want in the big wide world, but when you can't even get your own family on board in your own house, argh!

One soda is harmless, one late night is harmless, i get that, but the symbolic messages of each of these "indulgences" are not just one time. They are your family, in fact, your parents and the message they are giving, or one of many they may be giving, is that your values don't matter or are wrong. So, yes, I"d be bothered by this.

It may, as KM said, be a losing battle. But, could you and dh sit down with them, out of the fray of daily chaos, and really talk it through with them? Why you care about these things, why it is so important to you that your boys see you as a united family in love and values and how that includes them, how your boys will love them even without those treats (and maybe come up with some special indulgences that can be just grandma and grandpa's), etc. Ie, not just shouting a house rule as they scurry out the door but a real talk with all the reasoning and symbolism and love behind it?

And then, if it still doesn't work after a few reminders, let go of it and shift, instead, to how you talk to your boys about the differences/indulgences, why they are there and how you make sense of them and deal with them.

ARGH!! Good luck!



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Dd: Conceived when I was 42 after 2 years ttc. Conceived on 6th IVF cycle after 2 bfn's and 3 m/cs.

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me:smc (single mom by choice)
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Dd: Conceived when I was 42 after 2 years ttc. Conceived on 6th IVF cycle after 2 bfn's and 3 m/cs.

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Joined: February 22nd, 2006, 4:05 am

May 25th, 2012, 4:27 pm #7

Today, my DS came back from swim lesson with his grandparents (my inlaws) with a bottle of fizzy drink. Something I just won't allow my DS to have because I have told him it will rot his teeth (to which my DS said to me today "I don't care about my teeth). I have previously told his grandparents I do not want him to drink fizzy drinks and that I can just about tolerate juice but my preference is, that he gets water or milk.

So I tell my DS he should not be drinking that stuff - (actually I could see he really was not liking it, he could only sip it) but he insisted on keeping the bottle. Anyway, I went off to feed my baby as I give up on my inlaws - they are always giving my kids things that I don't want them to have or to do and I really do not like telling them off. Buy my DH took the bottle off my DS and poured it down the kitchen sink and my DS was very upset (but cheered up 5 mins later) but DH did say his parents were not very happy and instead of leaving tomorrow for home they left tonight (but there was no bad atmosphere - we all made an effort to be jolly and nice but I think their feelings have been hurt).

But my inlaws either just do not seem to take on board after 5 years (well my DS will be 5 in a couple of days) that we have certain beliefs in what our kids should have (I have told them I hate lollipops but my boys frequently come back from the shop with lollipops they have bought them). I told my DS no ipad since it was 8pm (ie bedtime) and yet my FIL turned it on and next thing the boys are playing computer games (which is not great for inducing sleepiness is it!). Sometimes I think he is blatantly trying to wind me up, sometimes I think he is just does not think (depends what mood I am in).

Sometimes I feel bad for trying to limit their indulgences but most of the time, they irk me so much as I feel they just think they can do whatever they want (I swear if I wanted to raise my kids to be vegetarian, they would still feed them sausages!).

plus, I have chosen not to be offended by my MIL's comment - oh you look great from behind in that outfit but yes, you still have the belly (yes, it was only 8 weeks ago that I gave birth to my 4th child) but thanks!
Hi Mo,
When I first read your post I was feeling very mad at your IL's for you but did feel that I wouldn't make an issue out of it. Then something happened last night that I'm having a really tough time dealing with however it put life into perspective for me on a lot of issues.

My feeling about this type of thing is this. My dk's only have one grandparent alive and ds #2 has not met her and may never. They do have a greatgrandmother who is 90 and who we desperately want to visit in England before she passes on. We're trying to do that this year but don't know if it will work out.

If we do get to visit her I want the boys to have so much fun in every sense of the word, that they will never ever forget it. I also want her to thoroughly enjoy the experience too. She is a GREAT cook and if she wants to load them up on "treats" whatever they are, I'm totally not going to take issue with it. Let everyone have fun.

While I do understand where you are coming from, I have to say if it's not happening on a daily basis, pls let it go. Things look very different when you don't have the grandparents to be mad at. Grandparents, aunts and uncles are supposed to be given some slack when it comes to things like this. Your kids won't develop horrid cavities or diabetes from this. But they will sure have fond memories of, among other things, grands giving them all those lovely forbidden treats.

When my sil came to visit earlier this year, she introduced ds #1 to fruit roll ups. She tried to justify it by saing that it was all pure and organic and crap. I didn't make an issue of it but we have never given it to him since then and he hasn't asked.

I would do anything for ds's to meet grandma and great grandma and when they do, I would totally not bat an eyelash if they gave them pure sugar, because I don't want to spoil the treat for them if they know I object.

This is just my take on it based on my life situation. I can totally understand it from your point of view too. Were you mean? I don't think so, but I can understand if gp's felt unhappy about the way things turned out. I probably woudn't have thrown the bottle of pop away in their presence if that is what dh did. After all, gp's of our past generation just don't see things the way we do and they may never. And while I feel pretty much like you do I have to say I'm a bit of a hypocrite. Ds #2 is not well and he just won't eat. So I let him have whatever he wanted. Yesterday his diet consisted of toasted raisin and cinnamon bread with butter, fries, juice and yoghurt. That was all he had for the day. I was jut glad to get ANYTHING into him. Heck whatever works.

If we make it to England and you're not too far away it will be nice to get together.

Cheers,
Z.

ETA
"Sometimes I feel bad for trying to limit their indulgences but most of the time, they irk me so much as I feel they just think they can do whatever they want (I swear if I wanted to raise my kids to be vegetarian, they would still feed them sausages!)."

I really don't think that they are just blatantly disregarding your wishes, especially if they're generally good to you otherwise. I think that they simply cannot see what you think is wrong with it. They just don't get it and even if they got it today, they won't remember it tomorrow. Will they feed vegetarian kids sausages? You bet, especially if they just don't understand veganism. Who knows how much longer they will be around. I tend to turn a blind eye even though it makes me cringe. Anything that is outright dangerous I simply throw away without one word to either party. Maybe just remind your kids that the pop and lollipops, etc. are not going to continue wonce gp's leave so don't ask you to buy any.

I can't believe I spelt "once" as "wonce". I got a kick out of leaving it like that.
Last edited by ZakiaZ on May 25th, 2012, 4:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: August 30th, 2006, 9:39 pm

May 25th, 2012, 4:59 pm #8

Today, my DS came back from swim lesson with his grandparents (my inlaws) with a bottle of fizzy drink. Something I just won't allow my DS to have because I have told him it will rot his teeth (to which my DS said to me today "I don't care about my teeth). I have previously told his grandparents I do not want him to drink fizzy drinks and that I can just about tolerate juice but my preference is, that he gets water or milk.

So I tell my DS he should not be drinking that stuff - (actually I could see he really was not liking it, he could only sip it) but he insisted on keeping the bottle. Anyway, I went off to feed my baby as I give up on my inlaws - they are always giving my kids things that I don't want them to have or to do and I really do not like telling them off. Buy my DH took the bottle off my DS and poured it down the kitchen sink and my DS was very upset (but cheered up 5 mins later) but DH did say his parents were not very happy and instead of leaving tomorrow for home they left tonight (but there was no bad atmosphere - we all made an effort to be jolly and nice but I think their feelings have been hurt).

But my inlaws either just do not seem to take on board after 5 years (well my DS will be 5 in a couple of days) that we have certain beliefs in what our kids should have (I have told them I hate lollipops but my boys frequently come back from the shop with lollipops they have bought them). I told my DS no ipad since it was 8pm (ie bedtime) and yet my FIL turned it on and next thing the boys are playing computer games (which is not great for inducing sleepiness is it!). Sometimes I think he is blatantly trying to wind me up, sometimes I think he is just does not think (depends what mood I am in).

Sometimes I feel bad for trying to limit their indulgences but most of the time, they irk me so much as I feel they just think they can do whatever they want (I swear if I wanted to raise my kids to be vegetarian, they would still feed them sausages!).

plus, I have chosen not to be offended by my MIL's comment - oh you look great from behind in that outfit but yes, you still have the belly (yes, it was only 8 weeks ago that I gave birth to my 4th child) but thanks!
Hi Mo,
As many others have said, sometimes we just have to pick our battles. Decide which indulgences are "too often," and then have the conversation with the grandparents around *just those*, but not at the time they are actually indulging, because then the kids are witness to the power struggle.

I also think that one of your other avenues, especially with the 5 yo and, when they are 4+, the younger ones, is explaining to the child what you allow and why you are concerned. Because ultimately, you want the kids to learn to police themselves eventually. My daughter eats vegetarian at school because of religious dietary laws that prohibit mixing dairy & meat (and because I think the meat available to schools is not the quality I wish her to have, but that's not the point). Since she was 3, she & I have discussed this, and she would happily tell anyone who asked that she's vegetarian at school. When she moved to kindergarten & new eating arrangements there, we applied the same rule. And basically, she polices herself. (She even "reported" to me that when she was visiting my SIL, who does not adhere to these guidelines, she was given milk with a meat dinner. In this case, I was a little irritated but I truly believe that it was accidental because it just isn't something that SIL focuses on. Yes, I could get wound up about the fact that we've been related for 20+ years and this is something that has been important to me since we met, but I have to let that go.) I will continue to remind DD that she can speak up for herself and say nicely to adults that she would prefer water because we keep kosher. I have a hard time believing that someone would continue to insist if she put it that way.

Recently, our school offered an afterschool program called "Mad Science" which gets the kids learning scientific concepts & doing experiments (k-2!) and she came home one day talking about taste buds, sugar, and why too much juice is bad for you. We have always been a milk/water family with only occasional juice (usually watered down) with a meal. She asked for juice last night with dinner, and I gave her a little lemonade (about 2 inches in the cup). When she finished that & asked for more juice, I said, No, you can have more water, though. And she said, "ok, because, Mommy, too much juice isn't good for me." And I smiled & said, Right you are, punkin! No battle.
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Joined: September 29th, 2010, 9:51 pm

May 25th, 2012, 5:55 pm #9

Today, my DS came back from swim lesson with his grandparents (my inlaws) with a bottle of fizzy drink. Something I just won't allow my DS to have because I have told him it will rot his teeth (to which my DS said to me today "I don't care about my teeth). I have previously told his grandparents I do not want him to drink fizzy drinks and that I can just about tolerate juice but my preference is, that he gets water or milk.

So I tell my DS he should not be drinking that stuff - (actually I could see he really was not liking it, he could only sip it) but he insisted on keeping the bottle. Anyway, I went off to feed my baby as I give up on my inlaws - they are always giving my kids things that I don't want them to have or to do and I really do not like telling them off. Buy my DH took the bottle off my DS and poured it down the kitchen sink and my DS was very upset (but cheered up 5 mins later) but DH did say his parents were not very happy and instead of leaving tomorrow for home they left tonight (but there was no bad atmosphere - we all made an effort to be jolly and nice but I think their feelings have been hurt).

But my inlaws either just do not seem to take on board after 5 years (well my DS will be 5 in a couple of days) that we have certain beliefs in what our kids should have (I have told them I hate lollipops but my boys frequently come back from the shop with lollipops they have bought them). I told my DS no ipad since it was 8pm (ie bedtime) and yet my FIL turned it on and next thing the boys are playing computer games (which is not great for inducing sleepiness is it!). Sometimes I think he is blatantly trying to wind me up, sometimes I think he is just does not think (depends what mood I am in).

Sometimes I feel bad for trying to limit their indulgences but most of the time, they irk me so much as I feel they just think they can do whatever they want (I swear if I wanted to raise my kids to be vegetarian, they would still feed them sausages!).

plus, I have chosen not to be offended by my MIL's comment - oh you look great from behind in that outfit but yes, you still have the belly (yes, it was only 8 weeks ago that I gave birth to my 4th child) but thanks!
Hugs, my ILs are similar. We definitely don't see eye to eye on things. I love the response of having them get up early the next day if they want to play video games before bed. Though in general I am sure we all have to pick and choose our battles.

I don't think you have control over your IL's but you can shape your kid's responses as pp suggested. Perhaps sending along drinks and water bottles when they go on outings will help. We don't do soda here as well but I do recognize how much soda is offered and available elsewhere. So I did some research and found a homemade soda drink made with real oranges and sparkling water. And it does taste similar to orange crush.

Here is the link: http://blogs.babble.com/family-kitchen/ ... bleeditors

Just to note that I halved the sugar and you might even be able to get away with less. It's only to make the simple syrup and you can always add more sparkling water to offset any sweetness. In fact my whole family liked this fun treat.
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Joined: December 29th, 2006, 10:07 am

May 25th, 2012, 9:47 pm #10

Today, my DS came back from swim lesson with his grandparents (my inlaws) with a bottle of fizzy drink. Something I just won't allow my DS to have because I have told him it will rot his teeth (to which my DS said to me today "I don't care about my teeth). I have previously told his grandparents I do not want him to drink fizzy drinks and that I can just about tolerate juice but my preference is, that he gets water or milk.

So I tell my DS he should not be drinking that stuff - (actually I could see he really was not liking it, he could only sip it) but he insisted on keeping the bottle. Anyway, I went off to feed my baby as I give up on my inlaws - they are always giving my kids things that I don't want them to have or to do and I really do not like telling them off. Buy my DH took the bottle off my DS and poured it down the kitchen sink and my DS was very upset (but cheered up 5 mins later) but DH did say his parents were not very happy and instead of leaving tomorrow for home they left tonight (but there was no bad atmosphere - we all made an effort to be jolly and nice but I think their feelings have been hurt).

But my inlaws either just do not seem to take on board after 5 years (well my DS will be 5 in a couple of days) that we have certain beliefs in what our kids should have (I have told them I hate lollipops but my boys frequently come back from the shop with lollipops they have bought them). I told my DS no ipad since it was 8pm (ie bedtime) and yet my FIL turned it on and next thing the boys are playing computer games (which is not great for inducing sleepiness is it!). Sometimes I think he is blatantly trying to wind me up, sometimes I think he is just does not think (depends what mood I am in).

Sometimes I feel bad for trying to limit their indulgences but most of the time, they irk me so much as I feel they just think they can do whatever they want (I swear if I wanted to raise my kids to be vegetarian, they would still feed them sausages!).

plus, I have chosen not to be offended by my MIL's comment - oh you look great from behind in that outfit but yes, you still have the belly (yes, it was only 8 weeks ago that I gave birth to my 4th child) but thanks!
it is about picking your battles and I feel I let most things go (the sugar consumption goes through the roof when they are about - that was just a losing battle - I use to say to my FIL, if you must buy sweets, can you make it chocolate - but nope, it is always the the worst kind of sweets for rotting your teeth like the ones that stick to your teeth all day or lollipops). The 5 year old has the start of a cavity that we have been warned about since the age of 3 (it has not got worse but clearly a bit of rot has started).

So yes, I have let the sweet battle go but feel strongly about the soda stuff because it was only when I reached adulthood that I start drinking soda and that was when I got all my fillings - I asked the dentist at the time "why do I always need a filling these days" and he asked me do you drink alot of soda and at the time I did so I stopped and I never needed another filling.

And just to add, my inlaws are not just indulgent - they truly can be excessive with indulgences. In fact my inlaws were cutting up a big round cake into 8 bits and said, next time we will bring two, so the boys can each a quarter of a cake (YUK!).

And you are right, my boys are so lucky to have doting grandparents because I only ever had one grandmother (the others had died before I was born) and I would have loved to know them all and I loved my granny to bits (she use to give me a piece of chocolate (Fry's Cream) but those were the days when chocolate was not given out in abundance).

My boys spend lots of time alone with the grandparents and I never do ask them what have they been fed (quite frankly, I don't want to know - ignorance is bliss sometimes). So I genuinely feel I don't nag or hover over them or even be obssessive about it.

I am trying to work with the 5 year old about excessive consumption and not to drink soda but clearly that did not work here. Fortunately, my 3 year old hates soda and the two middle ones actually will eat sweets but not excessively (my inlaws were gutted when a 2nd piece of cake was turned down by my 3 years old)

Not so much with the soda but the bedtime, I felt my FIL was blatantly disobeying me and that irritated the hell out of me because I think "let see how you like looking after 4 kids on your own for 2 weeks solid and I betcha would not want your routine being put out of sort by PIA visitors". I am on my own for 2 weeks while my DH is at work (he works 2 weeks away, 3 at home). So I stay a bit firm on bedtime and let them go a bit later (up to an hour) because if is was up to my inlaws, my boys would still be up at midnight (I use to go to bed before my nephews (their other grandsons) when they were under the age of 5.

My SIL (their daughter) once told me that "routines get disrupted but after a couple of days, it will go back to normal". But why should I have to put up with a rubbish couple of days for late nights when you can enjoy the boys all day. The inlaws visit at least once a month, coming to stay with me for however long they want (it might be 2 days or 5 days) and with usually less than 24 hours notice.

Anyway, I do want them to enjoy their grandsons but tread a bit more carefully with my wishes (as I do a fair bit of pussyfooting round them, I would like some back)

Anyway it was good to vent and to hear your wise words. And Zakia, it would be lovely to meet up if you make it to the uk - if it is Manchester area(if I remember rightly), well that is about 5 hours away. A bit far but if you fancy a visit to Scotland?
Last edited by moelle on May 25th, 2012, 10:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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