Thanks and update - still have decorating issues... but

Thanks and update - still have decorating issues... but

Joined: July 9th, 2012, 3:47 pm

July 13th, 2012, 10:52 pm #1

just wanted to thank you all again for your help and support.

Here is where things stand now:

DH has apologized and assured that nothing has happened besides emails. Of course, I'm stuck as I can't prove anything beyond emails and I have ton of emotions surrounding just this alone. I'm sure you can imagine. Worse than that - is that this behavior of sorts has apparently been going on and off for a long time. I can't pinpoint how long but a few years. UGH. In the past when he was on internet and I saw the porn and said I wasn't happy about it and didn't really like it (no, I'm not prude) and he was making light of it - I have no idea what he's doing when and he has his own business and he could be literally anywhere with the technology today.

(I feel stupid for believing him. I guess- but I guess we all believe our husbands right??) Not sure whether to laugh or cry. I am a SAHM and have not worked since DD was born - she's 9. I really have don't have any options right now, so I'm going to have to take time to sort things out and see if I can trust him again, obviously not an easy thing to do but I don't see any other options.) I feel like I'm in a soap opera. Can't believe this is happening.

Surprisngly I am calm and haven't yelled once. We are being civil to eachother and he knows that this discovery has made me lose his trust, and I'm mad and sad, disappointed - etc.... not to mention the embarrassment he will face if it gets out into the community - his family etc.

Anyway, I emailed him and stated that we/he needed to see a therapist (starting fresh with new one since the one from prior years was not really helping and no longer with insurance anyway) and asked what day he could do it. The reason why I asked was because his dad is in a rehab center for broken hip and his mom is having skin cancer procedure next week, so I was trying to pick a day that he wouldn't be "busy" he said that next week was "hectic" and he couldn't promise he could go next week. My reply was that I picked a day that was open and that he needed to make the time for the sake of us, our marriage etc. I'm not sure he's coming, but I'm going anyway. He wrote me an email saying again that he was sorry and felt badly and it would not happen again. Hard to trust someone after this ----
I'm not sure what else I can do? I can't move out - I have no where to go - and need to take care of DD. I really can't tell anyone so I'm really stuck. Does anyone have any other thoughts? I'm working on looking into an attorney as well - but DH came home early today so I couldn't do that....

Thanks for reading this far....
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Joined: August 30th, 2006, 9:39 pm

July 13th, 2012, 11:49 pm #2

I'm sad you're dealing with all this, but sometimes these trials can make us (and our marriages, even) stronger.

As for scheduling an appt with someone new: Because you're starting with someone new, you may or may not be able to get an appointment next week or on the exact day of the week you want. It might be that you pick a day of the week that seems to work best for each of you, and then you find out what the therapist has available that day of the week -- might be in two weeks before you get in.

On the one hand, you say you understand that next week he's got a lot on his plate with dad in rehab & mom having skin cancer procedure, but then you get upset that he can't pin a day down next week. The story you're telling yourself is that his inability to pin down a day is a) unwillingness and b) not putting his marriage first. While that MIGHT be true, it might not.

When my DH & I started couple's therapy, it took us several weeks to get in with the therapist I wanted us to see, but we were able to agree to a time that worked for both of us. DH works his schedule around it once it is already there, but I couldn't have expected him to do that at the outset because he often has things on his calendar set by other people, way in advance. I would bet that your DH does too.

It's hard not to view every decision as a referendum on the marriage (and where he is regarding the marriage) but many decisions simply aren't about the marriage per se. If he continually says he can't make time for therapy, that is a completely different issue!
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

July 14th, 2012, 12:29 am #3

just wanted to thank you all again for your help and support.

Here is where things stand now:

DH has apologized and assured that nothing has happened besides emails. Of course, I'm stuck as I can't prove anything beyond emails and I have ton of emotions surrounding just this alone. I'm sure you can imagine. Worse than that - is that this behavior of sorts has apparently been going on and off for a long time. I can't pinpoint how long but a few years. UGH. In the past when he was on internet and I saw the porn and said I wasn't happy about it and didn't really like it (no, I'm not prude) and he was making light of it - I have no idea what he's doing when and he has his own business and he could be literally anywhere with the technology today.

(I feel stupid for believing him. I guess- but I guess we all believe our husbands right??) Not sure whether to laugh or cry. I am a SAHM and have not worked since DD was born - she's 9. I really have don't have any options right now, so I'm going to have to take time to sort things out and see if I can trust him again, obviously not an easy thing to do but I don't see any other options.) I feel like I'm in a soap opera. Can't believe this is happening.

Surprisngly I am calm and haven't yelled once. We are being civil to eachother and he knows that this discovery has made me lose his trust, and I'm mad and sad, disappointed - etc.... not to mention the embarrassment he will face if it gets out into the community - his family etc.

Anyway, I emailed him and stated that we/he needed to see a therapist (starting fresh with new one since the one from prior years was not really helping and no longer with insurance anyway) and asked what day he could do it. The reason why I asked was because his dad is in a rehab center for broken hip and his mom is having skin cancer procedure next week, so I was trying to pick a day that he wouldn't be "busy" he said that next week was "hectic" and he couldn't promise he could go next week. My reply was that I picked a day that was open and that he needed to make the time for the sake of us, our marriage etc. I'm not sure he's coming, but I'm going anyway. He wrote me an email saying again that he was sorry and felt badly and it would not happen again. Hard to trust someone after this ----
I'm not sure what else I can do? I can't move out - I have no where to go - and need to take care of DD. I really can't tell anyone so I'm really stuck. Does anyone have any other thoughts? I'm working on looking into an attorney as well - but DH came home early today so I couldn't do that....

Thanks for reading this far....
I have to tell you, this is not going to be an easy road and this isn't going to be therapy ala, "Oh, we fight about money and sex and don't communicate well". This is a serious situation. Take time to find someone you think really knows what he/she is doing and has experience with SEX ADDICTS. I'm serious. Ask the person this exact question. Some therapists think they can see anyone, but this is a particular addiction and you need someone who really gets it. Not that you're going to tell your DH this, or that he'll be confronted straight away in the therapy, but the therapist needs to understand this addiction.

Make sure you do have boundaries around this though. If he won't commit to an appointment, or keeping appointments once started, let him know what your expectations are and what you're going to do if he misses the mark. He needs to be held accountable. I say this because I have to do the exact same thing with my DH and haven't been courageous enough to stand my ground. I have let him get away with being very willy-nilly about therapy, just as he is about our marriage. Please do what I haven't been able to do! You aren't doing anyone any favors by being too "lenient" and forgiving and understanding. By all means be compassionate, but hold your ground.
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Joined: July 9th, 2012, 3:47 pm

July 14th, 2012, 2:26 am #4

I'm sad you're dealing with all this, but sometimes these trials can make us (and our marriages, even) stronger.

As for scheduling an appt with someone new: Because you're starting with someone new, you may or may not be able to get an appointment next week or on the exact day of the week you want. It might be that you pick a day of the week that seems to work best for each of you, and then you find out what the therapist has available that day of the week -- might be in two weeks before you get in.

On the one hand, you say you understand that next week he's got a lot on his plate with dad in rehab & mom having skin cancer procedure, but then you get upset that he can't pin a day down next week. The story you're telling yourself is that his inability to pin down a day is a) unwillingness and b) not putting his marriage first. While that MIGHT be true, it might not.

When my DH & I started couple's therapy, it took us several weeks to get in with the therapist I wanted us to see, but we were able to agree to a time that worked for both of us. DH works his schedule around it once it is already there, but I couldn't have expected him to do that at the outset because he often has things on his calendar set by other people, way in advance. I would bet that your DH does too.

It's hard not to view every decision as a referendum on the marriage (and where he is regarding the marriage) but many decisions simply aren't about the marriage per se. If he continually says he can't make time for therapy, that is a completely different issue!
that I already got the appt for next week. Sorry, I was typing fast....


I asked DH prior to setting anything and if there was a better day and he didn't give me an an answer and say - anyway but.... or not this or day, morning vs. night.... I was being nice (as I typically am) and gave him the opportunity to give input. I scheduled the 1st opening - actually it's was the 2nd since the 1st was Monday night and DD was already out of camp. It needed to be while she is in camp during the day. I emailed DH after and that's when we said all the stuff about his folks.... I'm not a mind reader and honestly part of this is that he always claims that he's too busy ... so he's busy for "other" things and I understand his parents are a priority but it's been like that and I seem to come last. Then add this to the mix -- I'm last again. So, I don't know if he's coming or not. He hasn't asked about it. He's trying to be nice but must know that this isn't easy. (He came home early today but he's been under the weather so I'm not sure why he came home... we've all been fighting something....a bad cold??) He did pick up DD from camp and went and got a pizza - but that is not really anything out of ordinary.... it's very weird that we have not yelled or anything since this happened. I feel like I want to punch him though... not sure what that means since I'm not a violent person.

I wanted DH to find the therapist and make the appointment, but of course he didn't so that's why I did it. He seems to find time for things that he wants and avoids other things does procrastinate. I guess we all do that for things we don't want to do, but we all have to do what we have to do, right? I HATE doing laundry, but I do it... my point is that if he's not going to put the effort into this then... well... I guess it won't work and we will be going down another road altogether sooner than later...

Thanks again for the support.
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Joined: July 9th, 2012, 3:47 pm

July 14th, 2012, 2:33 am #5

I have to tell you, this is not going to be an easy road and this isn't going to be therapy ala, "Oh, we fight about money and sex and don't communicate well". This is a serious situation. Take time to find someone you think really knows what he/she is doing and has experience with SEX ADDICTS. I'm serious. Ask the person this exact question. Some therapists think they can see anyone, but this is a particular addiction and you need someone who really gets it. Not that you're going to tell your DH this, or that he'll be confronted straight away in the therapy, but the therapist needs to understand this addiction.

Make sure you do have boundaries around this though. If he won't commit to an appointment, or keeping appointments once started, let him know what your expectations are and what you're going to do if he misses the mark. He needs to be held accountable. I say this because I have to do the exact same thing with my DH and haven't been courageous enough to stand my ground. I have let him get away with being very willy-nilly about therapy, just as he is about our marriage. Please do what I haven't been able to do! You aren't doing anyone any favors by being too "lenient" and forgiving and understanding. By all means be compassionate, but hold your ground.
What am I going to do if he's willy nilly? I don't really have any options right now. That's why I'm stuck.

I didn't ask the therapist if she's versed in this area I don't even think about mentioning it. She is on our plan and in a good location and I've head her name around but I have no idea how it's going to go down. I called our "old" therapist to see if I could get some info about a timeframe since I can't find my calendar - and I didn't get a call back, but I'm not surprised as we weren't getting anywhere with that therapist and probably should have looked for someone else a long time ago.... things seemed okay - high's and low's like most couples I thought...UGGH. Again, can't believe I'm typing this....

Thanks again for your help.

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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

July 14th, 2012, 1:17 pm #6

just wanted to thank you all again for your help and support.

Here is where things stand now:

DH has apologized and assured that nothing has happened besides emails. Of course, I'm stuck as I can't prove anything beyond emails and I have ton of emotions surrounding just this alone. I'm sure you can imagine. Worse than that - is that this behavior of sorts has apparently been going on and off for a long time. I can't pinpoint how long but a few years. UGH. In the past when he was on internet and I saw the porn and said I wasn't happy about it and didn't really like it (no, I'm not prude) and he was making light of it - I have no idea what he's doing when and he has his own business and he could be literally anywhere with the technology today.

(I feel stupid for believing him. I guess- but I guess we all believe our husbands right??) Not sure whether to laugh or cry. I am a SAHM and have not worked since DD was born - she's 9. I really have don't have any options right now, so I'm going to have to take time to sort things out and see if I can trust him again, obviously not an easy thing to do but I don't see any other options.) I feel like I'm in a soap opera. Can't believe this is happening.

Surprisngly I am calm and haven't yelled once. We are being civil to eachother and he knows that this discovery has made me lose his trust, and I'm mad and sad, disappointed - etc.... not to mention the embarrassment he will face if it gets out into the community - his family etc.

Anyway, I emailed him and stated that we/he needed to see a therapist (starting fresh with new one since the one from prior years was not really helping and no longer with insurance anyway) and asked what day he could do it. The reason why I asked was because his dad is in a rehab center for broken hip and his mom is having skin cancer procedure next week, so I was trying to pick a day that he wouldn't be "busy" he said that next week was "hectic" and he couldn't promise he could go next week. My reply was that I picked a day that was open and that he needed to make the time for the sake of us, our marriage etc. I'm not sure he's coming, but I'm going anyway. He wrote me an email saying again that he was sorry and felt badly and it would not happen again. Hard to trust someone after this ----
I'm not sure what else I can do? I can't move out - I have no where to go - and need to take care of DD. I really can't tell anyone so I'm really stuck. Does anyone have any other thoughts? I'm working on looking into an attorney as well - but DH came home early today so I couldn't do that....

Thanks for reading this far....
I don't know if my friend and her dh ever got therapy, but i know how she found out what he was doing. she managed to get his cellphone records. Talk to an attorney asap to find out how to do this, b/c even if you're going to go to therapy, having this information is vital, under the circumstances.




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

July 14th, 2012, 1:54 pm #7

just wanted to thank you all again for your help and support.

Here is where things stand now:

DH has apologized and assured that nothing has happened besides emails. Of course, I'm stuck as I can't prove anything beyond emails and I have ton of emotions surrounding just this alone. I'm sure you can imagine. Worse than that - is that this behavior of sorts has apparently been going on and off for a long time. I can't pinpoint how long but a few years. UGH. In the past when he was on internet and I saw the porn and said I wasn't happy about it and didn't really like it (no, I'm not prude) and he was making light of it - I have no idea what he's doing when and he has his own business and he could be literally anywhere with the technology today.

(I feel stupid for believing him. I guess- but I guess we all believe our husbands right??) Not sure whether to laugh or cry. I am a SAHM and have not worked since DD was born - she's 9. I really have don't have any options right now, so I'm going to have to take time to sort things out and see if I can trust him again, obviously not an easy thing to do but I don't see any other options.) I feel like I'm in a soap opera. Can't believe this is happening.

Surprisngly I am calm and haven't yelled once. We are being civil to eachother and he knows that this discovery has made me lose his trust, and I'm mad and sad, disappointed - etc.... not to mention the embarrassment he will face if it gets out into the community - his family etc.

Anyway, I emailed him and stated that we/he needed to see a therapist (starting fresh with new one since the one from prior years was not really helping and no longer with insurance anyway) and asked what day he could do it. The reason why I asked was because his dad is in a rehab center for broken hip and his mom is having skin cancer procedure next week, so I was trying to pick a day that he wouldn't be "busy" he said that next week was "hectic" and he couldn't promise he could go next week. My reply was that I picked a day that was open and that he needed to make the time for the sake of us, our marriage etc. I'm not sure he's coming, but I'm going anyway. He wrote me an email saying again that he was sorry and felt badly and it would not happen again. Hard to trust someone after this ----
I'm not sure what else I can do? I can't move out - I have no where to go - and need to take care of DD. I really can't tell anyone so I'm really stuck. Does anyone have any other thoughts? I'm working on looking into an attorney as well - but DH came home early today so I couldn't do that....

Thanks for reading this far....
holy cow. What the h*ll is wrong with men??

Well, I am afraid that my advice is different than what I would have said, say a year ago.

I think once he's gone this far, it's too tempting to go further and he'll go, it's bigger than him. --if it's true he hasn't jumped in yet. either way, your relationship will never be the same.

So this is what you need to decide: if he does want to stay in the marriage, can you live with being betrayed (let's assume it didn't get physical, it's an emotional betrayal and physical soon follows)

Yeah, it'll disrupt your family, it already is.

Staying together for the sake of the children, in my opinion, isn't a good thing. It might work ok for the next few years but eventually it won't and if you stay together yet aren't happy, this is what your DD sees and perhaps will apply to her future relationships (that whole teaching by example) and then later on, if she finds out you stayed together for her sake, she'll feel guilty and maybe even angry.

btw my DS is 9 and he sees something is up even though we are VERY civil to each other with a few tense moments but nothing explosive--that they can se. We had a few explosive "talks", sure. He hates them and I only get a bit of satisfaction with flinging accusations and reminders of his solemn promise to me that he chose not to honour.

Bottom line to me is that when men cheat, they are looking out for their own needs and by doing so proves that they love themselves more than the wife and marriage. Woman do this too, I know because my DH cheated with a married woman. (she is the most arrogant, self serving woman I have ever met and I had decided this BEFORE I discovered their affair; she was my friend)
anyways think things through, boil them down to what they really mean for your future and decide on that.

Only you know your H but do look at your finances, make sure he isn't digging you all into a deep hole of debt and then see how you can protect yourself, being fair so that you can never feel bad about how you handled things at this point.
Remember that YOU did nothing wrong. Regardless of how he may feel his needs aren't being met, he's an adult and he could have discussed things with his WIFE, ya know??

Now I'll give you the advice a very zen friend told me and it's what I carry in my brain to give me roaring strength:

It is what it is

she also said that as long as the child know she is loved no matter what, that she has her stuff and food, she'll recover and adjust.

and as Pinkalicious says: you get what you get and you don't get upset. LOL just (sort of) kidding with this one. I heard a little tyke chant this as he marched around and it was so funny. and sooooo true.

hugs and boy, I hate that you too are going through this.
Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

July 14th, 2012, 2:15 pm #8

What am I going to do if he's willy nilly? I don't really have any options right now. That's why I'm stuck.

I didn't ask the therapist if she's versed in this area I don't even think about mentioning it. She is on our plan and in a good location and I've head her name around but I have no idea how it's going to go down. I called our "old" therapist to see if I could get some info about a timeframe since I can't find my calendar - and I didn't get a call back, but I'm not surprised as we weren't getting anywhere with that therapist and probably should have looked for someone else a long time ago.... things seemed okay - high's and low's like most couples I thought...UGGH. Again, can't believe I'm typing this....

Thanks again for your help.
if he's dragging his heels about going, YOU go.

These first times after a betrayal can be very frazzling. Believe me. You might even feel like you are grasping at anything that will help you feel afloat and that is OK.

Let this time pass, don't make any definitive decisions, decide what can wait what can't and breathe.

Try to think as if this was happening to someone else, and think about how would a reasonable person think about all this. Sometimes I have trouble judging that, it's hard when you are in the middle of the storm so lean on friends (here!) and breathe. and count those blessings and tell yourself how it could be worse; one of you could be dying.
Sounds like I am joking but frankly, this is getting me through my difficulty right now. 3mos ago when H wanted to leave, we found out a neighbour who is a mom about our age, with 3 kids, was diagnosed with cancer and has done chemo and radiation because it's too far along to be removed and now they are waiting to see if they had any effect. yup, it could be worse. I JUST found out that my hairdresser who is a little more than an acquaintance, we are friendly but not hang-out close, JUST had brain surgery to remove a level 3 tumour from her frontal lobe and now will be doing chemo and radiation. She's my age, maybe a wee bit younger)

hugs
jm


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: July 9th, 2012, 3:47 pm

July 14th, 2012, 2:34 pm #9

I don't know if my friend and her dh ever got therapy, but i know how she found out what he was doing. she managed to get his cellphone records. Talk to an attorney asap to find out how to do this, b/c even if you're going to go to therapy, having this information is vital, under the circumstances.




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
thought. The phones are in his name (as is most everything) the account/passwords are his and the only way to change them is to change the email (to mine) and I'm sure he will realize that.

He takes care of the bills and his cell phone is always attached to him as it is the main communication to his business. He is never in one place and due to the nature of his business is out of the office - so cell phone is his lifeline.

I thought it would be easier too, but no and there are so many numbers in his phone as he gets/makes hundreds of calls (sales) there would be very hard to figure out what was a potential sale, vs. talking to someone for "something else..."

But if you can figure out how to do that I am interested!

THANKS!
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Joined: July 9th, 2012, 3:47 pm

July 14th, 2012, 2:36 pm #10

holy cow. What the h*ll is wrong with men??

Well, I am afraid that my advice is different than what I would have said, say a year ago.

I think once he's gone this far, it's too tempting to go further and he'll go, it's bigger than him. --if it's true he hasn't jumped in yet. either way, your relationship will never be the same.

So this is what you need to decide: if he does want to stay in the marriage, can you live with being betrayed (let's assume it didn't get physical, it's an emotional betrayal and physical soon follows)

Yeah, it'll disrupt your family, it already is.

Staying together for the sake of the children, in my opinion, isn't a good thing. It might work ok for the next few years but eventually it won't and if you stay together yet aren't happy, this is what your DD sees and perhaps will apply to her future relationships (that whole teaching by example) and then later on, if she finds out you stayed together for her sake, she'll feel guilty and maybe even angry.

btw my DS is 9 and he sees something is up even though we are VERY civil to each other with a few tense moments but nothing explosive--that they can se. We had a few explosive "talks", sure. He hates them and I only get a bit of satisfaction with flinging accusations and reminders of his solemn promise to me that he chose not to honour.

Bottom line to me is that when men cheat, they are looking out for their own needs and by doing so proves that they love themselves more than the wife and marriage. Woman do this too, I know because my DH cheated with a married woman. (she is the most arrogant, self serving woman I have ever met and I had decided this BEFORE I discovered their affair; she was my friend)
anyways think things through, boil them down to what they really mean for your future and decide on that.

Only you know your H but do look at your finances, make sure he isn't digging you all into a deep hole of debt and then see how you can protect yourself, being fair so that you can never feel bad about how you handled things at this point.
Remember that YOU did nothing wrong. Regardless of how he may feel his needs aren't being met, he's an adult and he could have discussed things with his WIFE, ya know??

Now I'll give you the advice a very zen friend told me and it's what I carry in my brain to give me roaring strength:

It is what it is

she also said that as long as the child know she is loved no matter what, that she has her stuff and food, she'll recover and adjust.

and as Pinkalicious says: you get what you get and you don't get upset. LOL just (sort of) kidding with this one. I heard a little tyke chant this as he marched around and it was so funny. and sooooo true.

hugs and boy, I hate that you too are going through this.
Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for your post. I am sorry you are going through something similar. I can't type right now, but will try later....
My thoughts are with you!!

xoxo
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