OT: I need some advice

OT: I need some advice

Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

July 25th, 2012, 12:42 am #1

I can't decide if I should contact THE husband of THAT woman, to let him know that H has separated from me and may very well contact HER.

The thing is--and why I can't decide--is that we four used to be friends. Then last August all that changed when I found out about HER and H.

I've chatted with her hubby, casually since then, since we are friends and our kids go to the same school. Soccer season (2 months of it, not long), he and I would bring our kids to the park to the games--so that THEY couldn't have contact. get this, both our youngest were on the same team. Same class at school too AND in Sept too.

I consider him a friend, not a hanging out-friend but we are friendly.

If his wife left him and he didn't tell me, I'd be fuming.
BUT if I tell him and H asks me if I have (which he hasn't yet, which surprises me, frankly. I ask him every few days if he's contacted her yet. To which he says no and when I ask if he will he says he doesn't know which means YES--I mean how could he not?? It's his feelings for her that is making him want to leave and by contrast making him feel like he doesn't love me "enough". grrrrr)
In Feb, when he first pulled this and I let HER hubby know that his life may change soon because H was leaving me and I don't know if he'll be contacting her etc, when H found out, he emailed her to let her know he was leaving me and told her how he felt it unfair that her hubby knew and she didn't. WELL she still hasn't contacted him from that time which surprises me but then, if she leaves her husband, things get complicated kid-wise and money-wise; she'd have to get a job.


so you see why I am having trouble deciding? If I tell him, H will use that an a reason to contact her. If I don't email him and he finds out the hard way by her traipsing off with H, well, I'll feel like a jerk.

what would you do? (sometimes I have trouble trusting my judgement--I hope it's a symptom of this upheaval. Tell me that one day I won't be so insecure) lol

jm


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: January 19th, 2007, 7:18 pm

July 25th, 2012, 1:10 am #2

since he knows they had an affair in the past, I personally would just let him know that you're separated. I wouldn't go into details or specify that he needs to watch his back b/c your H is still interested in his wife, but I would say something like, "I thought you should that H & I have separated."

If she never responded to your H's email in Feb. that you two separated, I take that as an indication that his infatuation may well be one sided at this point. Whether she's genuinely remorseful & focused on her marriage or she is merely scared to lose her security blanket, she didn't respond & that indicates to me she wasn't/isn't inclined to pick up where they left off.

So, yes, I would give him a heads up since he knows about the past affair but just in the "I just wanted you to know we've separated" vein. If he didn't know, I might have different thoughts, but he does know.

As for your H, if he asks & then uses it as an excuse, so be it. But it sounds like his news might not be received by her as he envisions.



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Joined: December 24th, 2004, 3:57 am

July 25th, 2012, 1:19 am #3

I can't decide if I should contact THE husband of THAT woman, to let him know that H has separated from me and may very well contact HER.

The thing is--and why I can't decide--is that we four used to be friends. Then last August all that changed when I found out about HER and H.

I've chatted with her hubby, casually since then, since we are friends and our kids go to the same school. Soccer season (2 months of it, not long), he and I would bring our kids to the park to the games--so that THEY couldn't have contact. get this, both our youngest were on the same team. Same class at school too AND in Sept too.

I consider him a friend, not a hanging out-friend but we are friendly.

If his wife left him and he didn't tell me, I'd be fuming.
BUT if I tell him and H asks me if I have (which he hasn't yet, which surprises me, frankly. I ask him every few days if he's contacted her yet. To which he says no and when I ask if he will he says he doesn't know which means YES--I mean how could he not?? It's his feelings for her that is making him want to leave and by contrast making him feel like he doesn't love me "enough". grrrrr)
In Feb, when he first pulled this and I let HER hubby know that his life may change soon because H was leaving me and I don't know if he'll be contacting her etc, when H found out, he emailed her to let her know he was leaving me and told her how he felt it unfair that her hubby knew and she didn't. WELL she still hasn't contacted him from that time which surprises me but then, if she leaves her husband, things get complicated kid-wise and money-wise; she'd have to get a job.


so you see why I am having trouble deciding? If I tell him, H will use that an a reason to contact her. If I don't email him and he finds out the hard way by her traipsing off with H, well, I'll feel like a jerk.

what would you do? (sometimes I have trouble trusting my judgement--I hope it's a symptom of this upheaval. Tell me that one day I won't be so insecure) lol

jm


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am sure that he will find out through the grapevine. To me, it just brings you down a level to make that contact.

I know that you are angry at the other woman (for good reason) but remember that your exdh made the choice over and over again to have that relationship and to throw away his marriage to a wonderful woman. Stay focused on him--not the other woman and her husband (although I cannot imagine how difficult with the kids the same age and in the same activities)

Good for you for seeing the attorney!! Now you need to implement what he told you! I would tell exdh that your home is no longer his home. He cannot drop in, use it as a work space or raid the refrigerator. I am assuming that he is getting his own place now, so you can sit him down with a schedule and start establishing the best routine for the kids. They need a routine. He is robbing everyone in the family of the things they need to start processing this separations: the kids; routine and consistency and you, your privacy and own home. He is even hurting himself right now.

If he barges in again, change the locks if you have to. He has to start coming to terms with reality.
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Joined: September 4th, 2004, 1:08 am

July 25th, 2012, 1:40 am #4

I can't decide if I should contact THE husband of THAT woman, to let him know that H has separated from me and may very well contact HER.

The thing is--and why I can't decide--is that we four used to be friends. Then last August all that changed when I found out about HER and H.

I've chatted with her hubby, casually since then, since we are friends and our kids go to the same school. Soccer season (2 months of it, not long), he and I would bring our kids to the park to the games--so that THEY couldn't have contact. get this, both our youngest were on the same team. Same class at school too AND in Sept too.

I consider him a friend, not a hanging out-friend but we are friendly.

If his wife left him and he didn't tell me, I'd be fuming.
BUT if I tell him and H asks me if I have (which he hasn't yet, which surprises me, frankly. I ask him every few days if he's contacted her yet. To which he says no and when I ask if he will he says he doesn't know which means YES--I mean how could he not?? It's his feelings for her that is making him want to leave and by contrast making him feel like he doesn't love me "enough". grrrrr)
In Feb, when he first pulled this and I let HER hubby know that his life may change soon because H was leaving me and I don't know if he'll be contacting her etc, when H found out, he emailed her to let her know he was leaving me and told her how he felt it unfair that her hubby knew and she didn't. WELL she still hasn't contacted him from that time which surprises me but then, if she leaves her husband, things get complicated kid-wise and money-wise; she'd have to get a job.


so you see why I am having trouble deciding? If I tell him, H will use that an a reason to contact her. If I don't email him and he finds out the hard way by her traipsing off with H, well, I'll feel like a jerk.

what would you do? (sometimes I have trouble trusting my judgement--I hope it's a symptom of this upheaval. Tell me that one day I won't be so insecure) lol

jm


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would just tell the other husband that you and H have separated and leave it at that unless he starts to ask questions. I also agree that your DH's feelings may be one sided and he is going to be very disappointed. The fact she hasn't contacted him, if he is telling you the truth, since Feb is a sign that she is having second thoughts. Be prepared for him to come crawling back, he is so going to regret this decision. I like Pipers idea about changing the locks if he doesn't stay away and give you privacy. Stay strong girl, I have a feeling this rollercoaster is not over with your DH, he is going to mess with your feelings I can just sensel it.
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Joined: February 22nd, 2006, 4:05 am

July 25th, 2012, 3:01 am #5

I can't decide if I should contact THE husband of THAT woman, to let him know that H has separated from me and may very well contact HER.

The thing is--and why I can't decide--is that we four used to be friends. Then last August all that changed when I found out about HER and H.

I've chatted with her hubby, casually since then, since we are friends and our kids go to the same school. Soccer season (2 months of it, not long), he and I would bring our kids to the park to the games--so that THEY couldn't have contact. get this, both our youngest were on the same team. Same class at school too AND in Sept too.

I consider him a friend, not a hanging out-friend but we are friendly.

If his wife left him and he didn't tell me, I'd be fuming.
BUT if I tell him and H asks me if I have (which he hasn't yet, which surprises me, frankly. I ask him every few days if he's contacted her yet. To which he says no and when I ask if he will he says he doesn't know which means YES--I mean how could he not?? It's his feelings for her that is making him want to leave and by contrast making him feel like he doesn't love me "enough". grrrrr)
In Feb, when he first pulled this and I let HER hubby know that his life may change soon because H was leaving me and I don't know if he'll be contacting her etc, when H found out, he emailed her to let her know he was leaving me and told her how he felt it unfair that her hubby knew and she didn't. WELL she still hasn't contacted him from that time which surprises me but then, if she leaves her husband, things get complicated kid-wise and money-wise; she'd have to get a job.


so you see why I am having trouble deciding? If I tell him, H will use that an a reason to contact her. If I don't email him and he finds out the hard way by her traipsing off with H, well, I'll feel like a jerk.

what would you do? (sometimes I have trouble trusting my judgement--I hope it's a symptom of this upheaval. Tell me that one day I won't be so insecure) lol

jm


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
those two haven't been in touch since Feb. I can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth where that is concerned. I mean, why would he be truthful about that anyway? Of course he'll say no they haven't been in touch and he doesn't know if he'll contact her. A man just doesn't break up his family for something so uncertain and if he was "pining" for her so much that it got in the way of his short-lived efforts to heal his marriage, I guarantee you, the last time they connected was NOT in February. It does give him a slightly human component, I must admit (to actually consider the pain it would cause you if he said, yes we've been in touch and yes, I'll contact her), considering everything, I imagine that it is easy for him to lie/dodge the truth on those questions.

To answer your question. My hot headed self says yes contact the dh but my reasonable self says, forget it. If he knows about the affair and has decided that he can live/deal with it then it really does bring you down to their level so I agree that you shouldn't contact him about it.

If he asks you why you didn't let him know, you can say, I was dealing with my husbands affair and I expected that you would deal with yours when you found out. It really must be a handful for you to handle all this.

I really like every thing about piper's post. So well said and such good advice.

I still can't get over how "painful" (said like archie bunker would say it) it is for him to leave after he pulled the rug out from under you. Talk about being centred around oneself. It amazes me that he can stick around knowing what he has done. I bet he never looks you in the eyes. It must be tough being in that house with you and his kids and having to deal with his conscience, iykwim. Does your dad know about all this?

Z.

p.s. it is possible for her to be having second thoughts. I've posted to you below about one such story.
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Joined: February 10th, 2009, 9:24 pm

July 25th, 2012, 5:52 am #6

I can't decide if I should contact THE husband of THAT woman, to let him know that H has separated from me and may very well contact HER.

The thing is--and why I can't decide--is that we four used to be friends. Then last August all that changed when I found out about HER and H.

I've chatted with her hubby, casually since then, since we are friends and our kids go to the same school. Soccer season (2 months of it, not long), he and I would bring our kids to the park to the games--so that THEY couldn't have contact. get this, both our youngest were on the same team. Same class at school too AND in Sept too.

I consider him a friend, not a hanging out-friend but we are friendly.

If his wife left him and he didn't tell me, I'd be fuming.
BUT if I tell him and H asks me if I have (which he hasn't yet, which surprises me, frankly. I ask him every few days if he's contacted her yet. To which he says no and when I ask if he will he says he doesn't know which means YES--I mean how could he not?? It's his feelings for her that is making him want to leave and by contrast making him feel like he doesn't love me "enough". grrrrr)
In Feb, when he first pulled this and I let HER hubby know that his life may change soon because H was leaving me and I don't know if he'll be contacting her etc, when H found out, he emailed her to let her know he was leaving me and told her how he felt it unfair that her hubby knew and she didn't. WELL she still hasn't contacted him from that time which surprises me but then, if she leaves her husband, things get complicated kid-wise and money-wise; she'd have to get a job.


so you see why I am having trouble deciding? If I tell him, H will use that an a reason to contact her. If I don't email him and he finds out the hard way by her traipsing off with H, well, I'll feel like a jerk.

what would you do? (sometimes I have trouble trusting my judgement--I hope it's a symptom of this upheaval. Tell me that one day I won't be so insecure) lol

jm


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walk away with your head held high. I wouldnt tell her husband. You will only look like the jilted party, and I would also worry that telling the other guy will backfire on you with negotiations with your husband. Im not clear if her DH knows about the previous affair with your husband. If so, who knows what she is telling her husband.

If you two see each other, I think it would be totally appropriate to mention that you two have separated and are probably headed for divorce. I wouldnt say more unless he presses you, and then I would leave it at we have differences that just cant be reconciled. You could also ask how he is doing with his wife if he is aware of the affair.

I am sorry to such a skeptic, but based upon your husband saying that he is still having feelings for her, I dont believe that they havent had contact since Feb. Im guessing theyre still sneaking around somehow. If her husband knows their history, and hears your news, then he will likely do some snooping of his own. And if indeed they havent had contact since Feb., your husband's romantic interests may be one-sided, and he is even more foolish in my eyes.

And if the day ever comes and the guy asks you why you didnt tell him, I would say that you had to think of your family and what is best for them first, and telling would have made things even more difficult.

A friend who is a family law attorney talks about the benefits of a quiet divorce. She says that some people come to here and want to get back at their spouse (in no way am I suggesting that that would be your motive, its just what she said to me. I dont see you as the vindictive type whatsoever!), and she has to convince them that that is not really what will be best for them. She encourages her clients to try and keep it as peaceful and quiet as possible. Its better for your kids, and you (though I know youre in severe pain internally) Not telling the other guy would be part of a quiet divorce, I believe....

Pink

Last edited by Pinkdandelion on July 25th, 2012, 6:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
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cy2
Joined: February 16th, 2006, 6:45 pm

July 25th, 2012, 10:39 am #7

I can't decide if I should contact THE husband of THAT woman, to let him know that H has separated from me and may very well contact HER.

The thing is--and why I can't decide--is that we four used to be friends. Then last August all that changed when I found out about HER and H.

I've chatted with her hubby, casually since then, since we are friends and our kids go to the same school. Soccer season (2 months of it, not long), he and I would bring our kids to the park to the games--so that THEY couldn't have contact. get this, both our youngest were on the same team. Same class at school too AND in Sept too.

I consider him a friend, not a hanging out-friend but we are friendly.

If his wife left him and he didn't tell me, I'd be fuming.
BUT if I tell him and H asks me if I have (which he hasn't yet, which surprises me, frankly. I ask him every few days if he's contacted her yet. To which he says no and when I ask if he will he says he doesn't know which means YES--I mean how could he not?? It's his feelings for her that is making him want to leave and by contrast making him feel like he doesn't love me "enough". grrrrr)
In Feb, when he first pulled this and I let HER hubby know that his life may change soon because H was leaving me and I don't know if he'll be contacting her etc, when H found out, he emailed her to let her know he was leaving me and told her how he felt it unfair that her hubby knew and she didn't. WELL she still hasn't contacted him from that time which surprises me but then, if she leaves her husband, things get complicated kid-wise and money-wise; she'd have to get a job.


so you see why I am having trouble deciding? If I tell him, H will use that an a reason to contact her. If I don't email him and he finds out the hard way by her traipsing off with H, well, I'll feel like a jerk.

what would you do? (sometimes I have trouble trusting my judgement--I hope it's a symptom of this upheaval. Tell me that one day I won't be so insecure) lol

jm


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if he already knows about the affair, I don't think that re-telling him now would be necessary.

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Joined: January 27th, 2003, 11:09 pm

July 25th, 2012, 12:07 pm #8

I can't decide if I should contact THE husband of THAT woman, to let him know that H has separated from me and may very well contact HER.

The thing is--and why I can't decide--is that we four used to be friends. Then last August all that changed when I found out about HER and H.

I've chatted with her hubby, casually since then, since we are friends and our kids go to the same school. Soccer season (2 months of it, not long), he and I would bring our kids to the park to the games--so that THEY couldn't have contact. get this, both our youngest were on the same team. Same class at school too AND in Sept too.

I consider him a friend, not a hanging out-friend but we are friendly.

If his wife left him and he didn't tell me, I'd be fuming.
BUT if I tell him and H asks me if I have (which he hasn't yet, which surprises me, frankly. I ask him every few days if he's contacted her yet. To which he says no and when I ask if he will he says he doesn't know which means YES--I mean how could he not?? It's his feelings for her that is making him want to leave and by contrast making him feel like he doesn't love me "enough". grrrrr)
In Feb, when he first pulled this and I let HER hubby know that his life may change soon because H was leaving me and I don't know if he'll be contacting her etc, when H found out, he emailed her to let her know he was leaving me and told her how he felt it unfair that her hubby knew and she didn't. WELL she still hasn't contacted him from that time which surprises me but then, if she leaves her husband, things get complicated kid-wise and money-wise; she'd have to get a job.


so you see why I am having trouble deciding? If I tell him, H will use that an a reason to contact her. If I don't email him and he finds out the hard way by her traipsing off with H, well, I'll feel like a jerk.

what would you do? (sometimes I have trouble trusting my judgement--I hope it's a symptom of this upheaval. Tell me that one day I won't be so insecure) lol

jm


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
at first I thought you should tell him, but after reading the others, I agree with not saying anything. Your friend or (sort of friend) couldn't really do anything with this information, other than snooping through her emails or keeping closer tabs on her whereabouts...which sounds awful. No, their family is not your concern right now. You're taking control of what you can control and letting go of the rest.

I wish we lived closer.

xoxoxoox
MM
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Joined: January 19th, 2007, 7:18 pm

July 25th, 2012, 2:28 pm #9

since he knows they had an affair in the past, I personally would just let him know that you're separated. I wouldn't go into details or specify that he needs to watch his back b/c your H is still interested in his wife, but I would say something like, "I thought you should that H & I have separated."

If she never responded to your H's email in Feb. that you two separated, I take that as an indication that his infatuation may well be one sided at this point. Whether she's genuinely remorseful & focused on her marriage or she is merely scared to lose her security blanket, she didn't respond & that indicates to me she wasn't/isn't inclined to pick up where they left off.

So, yes, I would give him a heads up since he knows about the past affair but just in the "I just wanted you to know we've separated" vein. If he didn't know, I might have different thoughts, but he does know.

As for your H, if he asks & then uses it as an excuse, so be it. But it sounds like his news might not be received by her as he envisions.



only b/c, for some reason, I feel so strongly about this.

Why is this man, who was also an innocent victim, not owed a simple, true fact that might help him protect himself & his family? I disagree this lowers Julie to their level. Saying, "Richard, I just wanted to let you know that Doug & I have separated," reduces Julie somehow? I so disagree. Now going further than that, getting into details, blaming Richard's wife, etc. Yes, that is unnecessary & not taking the high road, but I disagree that a simple statement somehow lowers Julie. Julie & Richard are the victims. Why is the other victim not owed a bit of neutral, true information that could really protect him? I guess I don't get it. Wouldn't we all want that info. in his shoes? I sure as heck would & Julie stated she would be furious if "Richard" didn't tip her off in the same situation.

He knows about the affair, so Julie wouldn't be the one saying, "Hey, guess what?"

This issue comes up a lot on the subject of affairs (to say something or not) & while situations vary greatly, but there can be complicity in silence. JMHO, of course.

Hugs to you, Julie. I can't imagine how hard this is. It's time for him to be gone, at which point reality may hit him like a bucket of cold water.





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Joined: January 27th, 2003, 11:09 pm

July 25th, 2012, 3:49 pm #10

Julie did say that she would expect the same if the other couple had separated, and that's the way most anyone determines the right thing to do in any number of situations, putting oneself in another's shoes.

I'm not sure I would want to know, as I'm not sure what I would do with that information, and I think it would simply further stress me out, if I was trying to relearn how to trust my spouse, but I might just be an oddball that way. Julie should trust her instincts, certainly.

xoxoxoxo
MM
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