Neighbor's boy is violent... need help

Neighbor's boy is violent... need help

Joined: February 16th, 2006, 1:10 am

January 6th, 2012, 2:28 pm #1

I have very nice neighbors (2 doors down which in the city is 30feet) with a boy that was 5 in August. My boys are 6.10, 4.11 and 3.2... My boys are all near and over 100% on growth charts. This boy is almost as tall as my 6yo and weighs much, much more. He is huge... probably the biggest kid I have ever seen for 5.4yo. I believe he weighs around 80lbs and he is solid.

This boy is very violent and I don't know what to do. I have been avoiding, but they pretty much they just show at the door. Also, we own a parking lot together and there is no way to come and go without him seeing us. I love his parents and they are slightly aware of his issues. They constantly thank us because he has nobody that will play with him. He has a therapist at school, but I have pretty low confidence in his school. He was at a great school, but they wanted him back in the neighborhood.

Anyway, he hasn't been here for a few weeks due to busy holiday schedules. Last evening he was here and within 5 minutes of his father leaving he attacked my 3yo. I was saying bye to his Dad and he went upstairs, closed the door, pulled down my 3yo son's pants and proceeded to beat him. He did this to my 4yo a few months ago. Later last night, he pushed my 4yo to the ground right in front of me and then proceeded to throw (whip) toys at his head. He constantly throws tantrums, doesn't listen to me and then cries and hugs me. I can't quite figure what type of emotional issue he has, but I don't want to complicate it. On the other hand, my boys come first. Plus, when my 4 and 6yo go to his house, they have a lovely time and tell me that he never touches them in front of his parents.

Believe me, my boys are very active and very physical. I have to constantly control them around other children that aren't used to that type of contact. This child is beyond what I can control. Needless to say, my boys don't want to play with him here and I feel really badly for him.




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Joined: February 10th, 2009, 9:24 pm

January 6th, 2012, 4:23 pm #2

Tell him when he wants to play with your boys, if theres any hitting or pushing or throwing of toys, youll have to go home and Ill have to tell your mom or dad.

I think that should settle it since he doesnt do it in his parents presence.

My boys can be pretty wild too (but certainly not to that boys extent), but I would still never want another parent putting up with it from my boys, even if we were friends. Id want them to tell me what my son is up to.

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Joined: February 22nd, 2006, 4:05 am

January 6th, 2012, 7:22 pm #3

I have very nice neighbors (2 doors down which in the city is 30feet) with a boy that was 5 in August. My boys are 6.10, 4.11 and 3.2... My boys are all near and over 100% on growth charts. This boy is almost as tall as my 6yo and weighs much, much more. He is huge... probably the biggest kid I have ever seen for 5.4yo. I believe he weighs around 80lbs and he is solid.

This boy is very violent and I don't know what to do. I have been avoiding, but they pretty much they just show at the door. Also, we own a parking lot together and there is no way to come and go without him seeing us. I love his parents and they are slightly aware of his issues. They constantly thank us because he has nobody that will play with him. He has a therapist at school, but I have pretty low confidence in his school. He was at a great school, but they wanted him back in the neighborhood.

Anyway, he hasn't been here for a few weeks due to busy holiday schedules. Last evening he was here and within 5 minutes of his father leaving he attacked my 3yo. I was saying bye to his Dad and he went upstairs, closed the door, pulled down my 3yo son's pants and proceeded to beat him. He did this to my 4yo a few months ago. Later last night, he pushed my 4yo to the ground right in front of me and then proceeded to throw (whip) toys at his head. He constantly throws tantrums, doesn't listen to me and then cries and hugs me. I can't quite figure what type of emotional issue he has, but I don't want to complicate it. On the other hand, my boys come first. Plus, when my 4 and 6yo go to his house, they have a lovely time and tell me that he never touches them in front of his parents.

Believe me, my boys are very active and very physical. I have to constantly control them around other children that aren't used to that type of contact. This child is beyond what I can control. Needless to say, my boys don't want to play with him here and I feel really badly for him.



This is not acceptable - on any level. I feel for you as this is really tough position to be in but trust me, the parents know that the day is coming when it is going to be too big a problem for you and your boys.

Pulling your sons pants down and proceeding to beat him? If that happened on the street between say teenagers, the cops would be called faster than you could blink. If instead of your son you had a daughter and he did this, how would you feel about not rocking any boats?

To me this is completely abusive and unacceptable behaviour and I don't care about the age. What message is this type of treatment sending to your kids who experience and witness this.

Sorry but this kid HAS serious issues and it's lovely that the parents thank you and I'm sure that they are probably struggling with this but heck, it's YOUR kids at risk here. What would you do in 10 yrs when they're teenagers and completely impressionable and he does this - or worse?

Sorry, I'd limit or end their playtime and deal with the driveway situation cordially. OMG I get so defensive when other kids push my kids around, I cannot imagine another kid doing that to my boys.

Seriously, I feel for you, but there is no easy way to deal with this. The parents need to help this kid develop acceptable social interactive skills before he becomes friendless and then there's a whole 'nother host of problems if/when THAT happens.

Hugs - put an end to it girlfriend.
Z.

eta - this is a perfect opportunity to teach your boys how to deal with violence and unacceptable behaviour. I think your dh has to step in here as well. With you both providing a united front, you will teach your boys well, how to defend themselves and not accept that type of treatment, even if it's during play, which is obviously not play for your boys.

As for showing up at the door, either just don't answer it (he'll get the message), or if you answer it, tell him that he's not allowed to play with your boys until his behaviour changes. Sorry, but if it doesn't change, you can expect a lot more beatings and violence from this kid because passive action or no action sends a message to him that his behaviour is ok, or at the very least tolerable by others. He or his parents need to know that this is so not the case. Maybe this is a conversation that you need to have with the parents instead of the boy but heck, you gotta have one sooner rather than later. It's not a coincidence that he has few if any friends. The other parents have put their foot down, and for good reason.
Last edited by ZakiaZ on January 6th, 2012, 7:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: December 24th, 2004, 3:57 am

January 6th, 2012, 7:45 pm #4

I have very nice neighbors (2 doors down which in the city is 30feet) with a boy that was 5 in August. My boys are 6.10, 4.11 and 3.2... My boys are all near and over 100% on growth charts. This boy is almost as tall as my 6yo and weighs much, much more. He is huge... probably the biggest kid I have ever seen for 5.4yo. I believe he weighs around 80lbs and he is solid.

This boy is very violent and I don't know what to do. I have been avoiding, but they pretty much they just show at the door. Also, we own a parking lot together and there is no way to come and go without him seeing us. I love his parents and they are slightly aware of his issues. They constantly thank us because he has nobody that will play with him. He has a therapist at school, but I have pretty low confidence in his school. He was at a great school, but they wanted him back in the neighborhood.

Anyway, he hasn't been here for a few weeks due to busy holiday schedules. Last evening he was here and within 5 minutes of his father leaving he attacked my 3yo. I was saying bye to his Dad and he went upstairs, closed the door, pulled down my 3yo son's pants and proceeded to beat him. He did this to my 4yo a few months ago. Later last night, he pushed my 4yo to the ground right in front of me and then proceeded to throw (whip) toys at his head. He constantly throws tantrums, doesn't listen to me and then cries and hugs me. I can't quite figure what type of emotional issue he has, but I don't want to complicate it. On the other hand, my boys come first. Plus, when my 4 and 6yo go to his house, they have a lovely time and tell me that he never touches them in front of his parents.

Believe me, my boys are very active and very physical. I have to constantly control them around other children that aren't used to that type of contact. This child is beyond what I can control. Needless to say, my boys don't want to play with him here and I feel really badly for him.



A six-year old that pulls down the pants of a far younger child and beats him up is disturbed. Seriously.

I understand that the parents are lovely but you need to have a serious conversation with them about what you witnessed. And then, I would tell them that he just cannot come over to play with your kids unless one of them is with him--ie:if you have a weekend lunch together or something. And you can be there as well.

That way, the parents will not feel that they and their child are utterly ostracized but they will understand that their child has problems and cannot be expected to play with another child on his own. It is not your responsibility to manage a playdate alone.

Your first responsibility is to ensure that your children are safe.

What on earth has happened to a six-year old that he acts like this?? And are the parents currently getting any kind of help??
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

January 6th, 2012, 8:10 pm #5

This is not acceptable - on any level. I feel for you as this is really tough position to be in but trust me, the parents know that the day is coming when it is going to be too big a problem for you and your boys.

Pulling your sons pants down and proceeding to beat him? If that happened on the street between say teenagers, the cops would be called faster than you could blink. If instead of your son you had a daughter and he did this, how would you feel about not rocking any boats?

To me this is completely abusive and unacceptable behaviour and I don't care about the age. What message is this type of treatment sending to your kids who experience and witness this.

Sorry but this kid HAS serious issues and it's lovely that the parents thank you and I'm sure that they are probably struggling with this but heck, it's YOUR kids at risk here. What would you do in 10 yrs when they're teenagers and completely impressionable and he does this - or worse?

Sorry, I'd limit or end their playtime and deal with the driveway situation cordially. OMG I get so defensive when other kids push my kids around, I cannot imagine another kid doing that to my boys.

Seriously, I feel for you, but there is no easy way to deal with this. The parents need to help this kid develop acceptable social interactive skills before he becomes friendless and then there's a whole 'nother host of problems if/when THAT happens.

Hugs - put an end to it girlfriend.
Z.

eta - this is a perfect opportunity to teach your boys how to deal with violence and unacceptable behaviour. I think your dh has to step in here as well. With you both providing a united front, you will teach your boys well, how to defend themselves and not accept that type of treatment, even if it's during play, which is obviously not play for your boys.

As for showing up at the door, either just don't answer it (he'll get the message), or if you answer it, tell him that he's not allowed to play with your boys until his behaviour changes. Sorry, but if it doesn't change, you can expect a lot more beatings and violence from this kid because passive action or no action sends a message to him that his behaviour is ok, or at the very least tolerable by others. He or his parents need to know that this is so not the case. Maybe this is a conversation that you need to have with the parents instead of the boy but heck, you gotta have one sooner rather than later. It's not a coincidence that he has few if any friends. The other parents have put their foot down, and for good reason.
I do think, as Piper said, that you should inform the parents, but there is absolutely no justification for allowing your boys to be abused, no matter how bad you feel for the neighbor's child. Nothing mitigates letting him treat your boys that way, and I just don't see how anybody can expect to manage him at all times.

I realize this is uncomfortable with the shared driveway and all, so just force yourself to be cordial about driveway matters, but be firm about cutting off contact between the children.




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
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Joined: March 12th, 2008, 1:22 pm

January 6th, 2012, 10:00 pm #6

This is not acceptable - on any level. I feel for you as this is really tough position to be in but trust me, the parents know that the day is coming when it is going to be too big a problem for you and your boys.

Pulling your sons pants down and proceeding to beat him? If that happened on the street between say teenagers, the cops would be called faster than you could blink. If instead of your son you had a daughter and he did this, how would you feel about not rocking any boats?

To me this is completely abusive and unacceptable behaviour and I don't care about the age. What message is this type of treatment sending to your kids who experience and witness this.

Sorry but this kid HAS serious issues and it's lovely that the parents thank you and I'm sure that they are probably struggling with this but heck, it's YOUR kids at risk here. What would you do in 10 yrs when they're teenagers and completely impressionable and he does this - or worse?

Sorry, I'd limit or end their playtime and deal with the driveway situation cordially. OMG I get so defensive when other kids push my kids around, I cannot imagine another kid doing that to my boys.

Seriously, I feel for you, but there is no easy way to deal with this. The parents need to help this kid develop acceptable social interactive skills before he becomes friendless and then there's a whole 'nother host of problems if/when THAT happens.

Hugs - put an end to it girlfriend.
Z.

eta - this is a perfect opportunity to teach your boys how to deal with violence and unacceptable behaviour. I think your dh has to step in here as well. With you both providing a united front, you will teach your boys well, how to defend themselves and not accept that type of treatment, even if it's during play, which is obviously not play for your boys.

As for showing up at the door, either just don't answer it (he'll get the message), or if you answer it, tell him that he's not allowed to play with your boys until his behaviour changes. Sorry, but if it doesn't change, you can expect a lot more beatings and violence from this kid because passive action or no action sends a message to him that his behaviour is ok, or at the very least tolerable by others. He or his parents need to know that this is so not the case. Maybe this is a conversation that you need to have with the parents instead of the boy but heck, you gotta have one sooner rather than later. It's not a coincidence that he has few if any friends. The other parents have put their foot down, and for good reason.
...I read your post earlier and had no time to reply,and now that I've read Z's post, I could just say "AMEN" and end here, but I'll share my thoughts anyway:

1. this boy has serious issues -- this isn't 'just' rough horseplay
2. the parents know this boy has serious issues, and they're hoping like hell you haven't figured it out yet
3. your boys shouldn't be alone with him -- ever, anywhere
4. this boy needs help

And my final thought was...pulling down pants?!??? That's not normal or healthy by any stretch. I'm wondering if there isn't something going on at home with dad, uncle, other neighbor, kids, babysitter...? This just feels so wrong to me...I wouldn't be surprised if this boy is being, or has been, molested. And kids who have been abused go on to abuse others.

I don't know how to handle things with his parents, but I know how I'd handle things with him and my kids: sever the relationship, immediately.

Keep us posted...and good luck. I feel for you and your kids, and the boy and his parents.

Hugs,
Kat.
Last edited by piove on January 6th, 2012, 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

January 6th, 2012, 10:25 pm #7

I have very nice neighbors (2 doors down which in the city is 30feet) with a boy that was 5 in August. My boys are 6.10, 4.11 and 3.2... My boys are all near and over 100% on growth charts. This boy is almost as tall as my 6yo and weighs much, much more. He is huge... probably the biggest kid I have ever seen for 5.4yo. I believe he weighs around 80lbs and he is solid.

This boy is very violent and I don't know what to do. I have been avoiding, but they pretty much they just show at the door. Also, we own a parking lot together and there is no way to come and go without him seeing us. I love his parents and they are slightly aware of his issues. They constantly thank us because he has nobody that will play with him. He has a therapist at school, but I have pretty low confidence in his school. He was at a great school, but they wanted him back in the neighborhood.

Anyway, he hasn't been here for a few weeks due to busy holiday schedules. Last evening he was here and within 5 minutes of his father leaving he attacked my 3yo. I was saying bye to his Dad and he went upstairs, closed the door, pulled down my 3yo son's pants and proceeded to beat him. He did this to my 4yo a few months ago. Later last night, he pushed my 4yo to the ground right in front of me and then proceeded to throw (whip) toys at his head. He constantly throws tantrums, doesn't listen to me and then cries and hugs me. I can't quite figure what type of emotional issue he has, but I don't want to complicate it. On the other hand, my boys come first. Plus, when my 4 and 6yo go to his house, they have a lovely time and tell me that he never touches them in front of his parents.

Believe me, my boys are very active and very physical. I have to constantly control them around other children that aren't used to that type of contact. This child is beyond what I can control. Needless to say, my boys don't want to play with him here and I feel really badly for him.



my mouth is hanging open and my breath gone.

The others have said what I wanted to say.

I feel for your situation, I do but there is no way that child should be left alone with any other child and I hope you tell his parents every time he does something like this.
The only time that child would be welcome in my home again, having done that to my youngest, is that he'd NEVER be out of my sight. never.

My first thought when reading he pulled the baby's pants down was something is going on in his life, abuse of some kind. At the least, his parents spank him with his britches down, at worst, I dare not say, it's too horrific.

He's 5&1/2ish? Old enough to understand right and wrong and consequences. Next time he wants to come in, say, sorry you hit my baby and that's not on. You can't play with us for a little while. Let's talk again 3 days from now. and slam that door on his face--just kidding. But frankly, I would say that to him. And have done in a similar way with a neighbour child who treated my boy unfairly but not to the degree your neighbour boy goes. holy cow.

I can understand giving a child chances to turn a new leaf, i get that. But he keeps doing stuff. He has impulse control problems and they turn into the negative/violent realm. He has a lot to learn if he's to become a safe pleasant adult.

Good luck and keep us posted. I feel sorry for that kid, i do.


me:42, DH 43
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: December 24th, 2004, 3:57 am

January 6th, 2012, 10:26 pm #8

...I read your post earlier and had no time to reply,and now that I've read Z's post, I could just say "AMEN" and end here, but I'll share my thoughts anyway:

1. this boy has serious issues -- this isn't 'just' rough horseplay
2. the parents know this boy has serious issues, and they're hoping like hell you haven't figured it out yet
3. your boys shouldn't be alone with him -- ever, anywhere
4. this boy needs help

And my final thought was...pulling down pants?!??? That's not normal or healthy by any stretch. I'm wondering if there isn't something going on at home with dad, uncle, other neighbor, kids, babysitter...? This just feels so wrong to me...I wouldn't be surprised if this boy is being, or has been, molested. And kids who have been abused go on to abuse others.

I don't know how to handle things with his parents, but I know how I'd handle things with him and my kids: sever the relationship, immediately.

Keep us posted...and good luck. I feel for you and your kids, and the boy and his parents.

Hugs,
Kat.
the same thought (about abuse) had crossed my mind as well.

Which is why I was wondering if the parents were currently getting any help. Are they aware of how quickly and how unusual his behavior is?? (I say this because there is a need for this boy and his parents to get help--if he does not have playmates, maybe they are really not a2ware how out of the norm this is???)

If the boy exhibits this type of behavior in public school, alarms will go off everywhere.

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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

January 6th, 2012, 11:01 pm #9

I have very nice neighbors (2 doors down which in the city is 30feet) with a boy that was 5 in August. My boys are 6.10, 4.11 and 3.2... My boys are all near and over 100% on growth charts. This boy is almost as tall as my 6yo and weighs much, much more. He is huge... probably the biggest kid I have ever seen for 5.4yo. I believe he weighs around 80lbs and he is solid.

This boy is very violent and I don't know what to do. I have been avoiding, but they pretty much they just show at the door. Also, we own a parking lot together and there is no way to come and go without him seeing us. I love his parents and they are slightly aware of his issues. They constantly thank us because he has nobody that will play with him. He has a therapist at school, but I have pretty low confidence in his school. He was at a great school, but they wanted him back in the neighborhood.

Anyway, he hasn't been here for a few weeks due to busy holiday schedules. Last evening he was here and within 5 minutes of his father leaving he attacked my 3yo. I was saying bye to his Dad and he went upstairs, closed the door, pulled down my 3yo son's pants and proceeded to beat him. He did this to my 4yo a few months ago. Later last night, he pushed my 4yo to the ground right in front of me and then proceeded to throw (whip) toys at his head. He constantly throws tantrums, doesn't listen to me and then cries and hugs me. I can't quite figure what type of emotional issue he has, but I don't want to complicate it. On the other hand, my boys come first. Plus, when my 4 and 6yo go to his house, they have a lovely time and tell me that he never touches them in front of his parents.

Believe me, my boys are very active and very physical. I have to constantly control them around other children that aren't used to that type of contact. This child is beyond what I can control. Needless to say, my boys don't want to play with him here and I feel really badly for him.



Sweetie, this little guy could have a number of disorders causing this behavior. You can be compassionate but you must set limits and not allow him to be near your children. I don't mean to frighten you, but there are cases of children killing other children. If this boy is that large, that is a terrifying possibility. You have to calmly speak to the parents and let them know how worried you are, and suggest they seek more intense intervention, but that unless/until these behaviors are completely stopped you cannot allow the boys to play. This is not normal boy rough-housing. This is abuse and control and bullying of a younger/weaker child. If I were the parents, I would be considering a therapeutic setting for SES (seriously emotionally disturbed) children. I'm so sorry that this is going on.
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Joined: February 16th, 2006, 7:00 pm

January 6th, 2012, 11:12 pm #10

I have very nice neighbors (2 doors down which in the city is 30feet) with a boy that was 5 in August. My boys are 6.10, 4.11 and 3.2... My boys are all near and over 100% on growth charts. This boy is almost as tall as my 6yo and weighs much, much more. He is huge... probably the biggest kid I have ever seen for 5.4yo. I believe he weighs around 80lbs and he is solid.

This boy is very violent and I don't know what to do. I have been avoiding, but they pretty much they just show at the door. Also, we own a parking lot together and there is no way to come and go without him seeing us. I love his parents and they are slightly aware of his issues. They constantly thank us because he has nobody that will play with him. He has a therapist at school, but I have pretty low confidence in his school. He was at a great school, but they wanted him back in the neighborhood.

Anyway, he hasn't been here for a few weeks due to busy holiday schedules. Last evening he was here and within 5 minutes of his father leaving he attacked my 3yo. I was saying bye to his Dad and he went upstairs, closed the door, pulled down my 3yo son's pants and proceeded to beat him. He did this to my 4yo a few months ago. Later last night, he pushed my 4yo to the ground right in front of me and then proceeded to throw (whip) toys at his head. He constantly throws tantrums, doesn't listen to me and then cries and hugs me. I can't quite figure what type of emotional issue he has, but I don't want to complicate it. On the other hand, my boys come first. Plus, when my 4 and 6yo go to his house, they have a lovely time and tell me that he never touches them in front of his parents.

Believe me, my boys are very active and very physical. I have to constantly control them around other children that aren't used to that type of contact. This child is beyond what I can control. Needless to say, my boys don't want to play with him here and I feel really badly for him.



Beating up? That is awful and odd and so wrong. I'm sorry you little one experienced this. It must be very confusing.

I hesitate to post this in light of what others have written, but I will share that I have seen my boys pull the pants down of a brother and give a light spank. They are full of gaity and chasing fun when this occurs and while I discourage it, I don't think it falls outside the norm. I do not believe my sons are sexually abused by each other or by their parents or by others. I hope I am not mistaken in this belief.

Your boys need to be protected from the violence of this child, for so very many reasons. One reason, perhaps already written here, is that your kids might copy his behavior. I've seen that happen with neighborhood children and my kids.

Are you and DH on the same wavelength on this?

I'm sorry,

Kevin
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