Mom's funeral and "Memorial" (long, sorry)

Mom's funeral and "Memorial" (long, sorry)

Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

June 11th, 2012, 8:46 pm #1

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
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Joined: May 14th, 2004, 5:42 pm

June 11th, 2012, 9:16 pm #2

on top of everything else. The emotions of all of it must be so overwhelming, so please try to take care of yourself.

I think many men are like this, and for some reason, they run from this type of adversity. My own brothers are like this and could not deal with my mother's terminal illness and death in any constructive or helpful way. I remember them both going camping the weekend after she was diagnosed and my sister and are were livid that they were getting on with life/avoiding the reality of the situation.

My sister and her DH went through similar things to you, in that she didn't feel he was at all understanding or supportive after my mother died, which is true - he wasn't. He just didn't understand how it wrecked her like it did. They did eventually separate and I think this played a big part (certainly not the only part, but perhaps the catalyst). Could you talk to DH about how his behavior makes you feel, as maybe he isn't aware of his lack of support?

I'm so glad that the service was so lovely and that you got comfort from that.

Hang in there.

Ann
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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

June 12th, 2012, 2:27 am #3

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
my eyes watered freely reading how lovely your school's pupils and staff are. You are blessed.

Your DH. well he's another thing, isn't he.

Yes, men deal with death differently but taking your history together into account... Dang he makes me mad.

You know what? It's ok to leave him (kick him out), you've done what you could to repair your marriage but it takes two and if he's not interested... it can't be repaired/healed.

I debate this every once in a while since my difficulties with my DH and I don't want to turn this response all about me, I just want to say I can relate on some level. When your mate isn't there for you, there a particular type of desolation that is felt that can't compare to anything else. It hurts and all the other emotions involved makes it rather complex and hard to think about.

If you haven't yet, do go see a marriage therapist on *your* own. It'll help, promise.

When I was in the thick of things a few months ago when my DH was all set to leave (he stayed), a girlfriend spent an afternoon with me and she had a very calming effect on me. She said "it is what it is"--I won't elaborate but that is the essence of her philosophy of life; for the kids, she said that as long as they know you love them, that they have food and their stuff, they'll be fine.
I am still not completely sure what my future looks like but I know that I won't panic anymore, I can get on with life and so can my kids, as long as we love each other, care for each other and respect each other, I can do anything and so can you.

I love that you count your blessings, that these are what defined your mother's memorial and not how sucky your husband was/is.

Keep that going strong and his selfish attitude won't erode your heart anymore.

maybe he's one of these men who must hit relationship-rock-bottom before he says "oh, you do mean it". Get your finances separated so he can't ruin you and you can protect yourself.
sending you love and hugs (and a kick in the pants to your husband)
Julie



me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: February 10th, 2009, 9:24 pm

June 12th, 2012, 4:17 am #4

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
The service sounds incredible, and I am so glad that you have had the support of your friends and your workplace friends and students. Hold onto the memories of all the people who care about you and are present in your life on so many different levels, I hope they will bring you much comfort.

I am so, so sorry that your husband has let you down on such a deep and personal level. You seem like a thoughtful and insightful person, and I have no doubt that you will find a way to address this with your husband over time. For now, grieve your moms passing and lean on those who bring you the most comfort. You deserve it. You can deal with the marriage issues when you are feeling stronger.

Big hugs to you,

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Joined: November 4th, 2006, 7:32 pm

June 12th, 2012, 6:08 pm #5

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
Sending you lots of hugs and I am so glad your school was marvelous with the funeral. That was really nice of them and I am sure your mum must be proud.

I know you are sad and vulnerable right now, but give yourself time to mourn and delay decisions about your DH. It is not a great time to make any rash decisions but also I think it makes you more aware of issues you guys have and issues as to how you want to be loved that he is not able to do or has not done.

Not sure what to say, but you do deserve better and some questions are

1) Can you do it alone?

2) How are your finances handled?

3) Will you need a full time job? Managing with 3 kids?

4)Still, it is better to be alone than to be unhappy and dis satisfied with who you are with...

5): Do you have any close friends you can talk to or that can help? What about DH and his parents? Can they speak with him ?

6): We are here for you and if you want to talk, I can help and offer a listening ear. My email is

mimenanana at yahoo dot com.


Again, sorry for the loss of your mum and trust me, she knew you loved her and she is very proud of you.
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Joined: January 27th, 2003, 11:09 pm

June 12th, 2012, 8:39 pm #6

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
I am so glad you were able to be comforted by so many kind and caring people, and just heartsick that your DH was not one of them. I don't think I have the words right now. Just sending you more hugs and friendship.

xoxoxoox
MM
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Joined: August 4th, 2008, 5:45 pm

June 13th, 2012, 4:02 pm #7

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
Dear Renata,

What a lovely memorial service! Thanks so much for sharing the warmth that your school community shared with you! And your DD sounds amazing!! Is she 5 now? What a close bond between the two of you!

Your community's warmth must have made it that much more wrenching that your DH either could not, or would not, be more comforting to you in your grief and loss. I, too, know several men who can be truly present and compassionate in difficult times -- though many of them are gay -- and others who either don't have it in them or are too afraid to be that vulnerable themselves.

I don't know your DH at all, obviously, but I find it interesting that in addition to the more perfunctory, practical tasks that he was willing to tackle, you say that he "shed a few tears" at your mom's memorial. Most men are programmed not to cry, so only shed tears if they actually feel some real emotion. Grief always evokes other life losses, so your DH's tears may have been over a mixture of losses. Still, perhaps his tears show enough depth of emotion that you will be able to regain the closeness you deserve ... in time.

Warm hugs and blessings to you and your family,
double L
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Joined: September 4th, 2004, 1:08 am

June 13th, 2012, 6:43 pm #8

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
wow, the students coming through for support just amazes me! I can just visualize it. What a way to make such a sad day a happier one, so happy for you. Regarding DH, that is just wrong. He must think that he did enough. But I can't imagine you are in an emotionally stable place to deal with him, so when you are ready then address it. Still thinking of you.
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

June 14th, 2012, 1:04 pm #9

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
Wow. I'm just so touched by the thoughtfulness and compassion, especially from the students! TG you have such kind ppl in your life! I remember my paternal dgm's memorial service was ***tiny.*** Even df's friends didn't come to support him. I would love to know if and how you reached out to these ppl at work to ask for support, b/c this is something I'm not good at.

I wish I could be surprised by your dh. It sounds so familiar. Sadly, my dh used to be a very compassionate person, but with time, his capacity for being unfeeling has grown. I still see glimmers of the man I used to know.

I certainly do not believe that all men deal with grief that way, but the way my dh dealt with the loss of our dd was probably a hint of things to come.

Your dh's behavior and attitude were extremely hurtful and I would never make excuses for him. Part of me wonders if he was more focused on the hurtful aspects of her relationship with you, and if this inhibited reaching out to you in compassion. Of course, when someone passes, we need to focus on the ones left behind, not on the quality of their relationship with the deceased. When my df died in 06, some so-called friends didn't reach out to me b/c they knew he had abused me. They focused on him, not on the complicated grief I was feeling. However, I did decide to stop pretending those ppl were friends. I decided if they were that uninformed and possibly unfeeling, they didn't need to take up any more of my time. I've also had to accept that my sister is incapable of empathizing with me, and this has led to a huge feeling of emotional distance within me for her.

That's different from your marriage, of course. It's easier to decide to move beyond acquaintances and even a sibling. But this seems like something worth discussing with dh and a professional, maybe a rabbi, if you know and trust one. Since you say this is not the man you married, this makes me wonder if your dh used to be more feeling, like mine. Even if the two of you are just going to be roommates while the kids grow up, there should be respect and compassion.

How are dd and the boys?

(((hugs)))




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
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Joined: November 14th, 2005, 10:59 pm

June 24th, 2012, 2:58 pm #10

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
Hi Sweetie,

Just logging on to say I am so sorry, my heart and prayers are with you. I have no advice about marriage... Not my strongsuit at all. Just know I am deeply sorry for your loss and very sorry you are not getting the support in the way that you would like. Men are so dense I think you have to spell it all out, what you want, every detail... Which makes it all meaningless anyway.

Hang in there, it gets better with time...
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