Hi ladies what about this idea for decorating? All replies appreciated

Hi ladies what about this idea for decorating? All replies appreciated

Joined: July 9th, 2012, 3:47 pm

July 9th, 2012, 4:02 pm #1

Dear ladies,

I need some help I know all of you are wise.

I just discovered e-mails between DH and another party looking for sex in real life. (Quick history: In the past years on/off there was some internet porn going on, we went to therapy, he said he would stop, obviously he didn't as now it appears to be taken to the next level. We've been married 10+ years. I can't be sure anything actually happened - but the emails do seem telling.) I found the actual personal ad that he placed online (in another email addy)

Yes, I am disturbed, mad, sad and to top it off it's with women/men. I left the house with our daughter last night. I didn't want to have a discussion with him while she was there. When he called he asked why I left and I just said that "the jig was up", and his secret was out. Of course, he denied it and then I said I had the emails and to stop making up stories. He claims he does it for his fantasy... I should add that our sex life has dwindled over the years and I always felt something wasn't right. UGH.
He said he was going to kill himself - then apologized and wanted us to come home. I called a neighbor to see if he was home - and he was and then called me back mad that I had the neighbor involved. Neighbors are good friends but of course he's now embarrassed if this gets out that he's bi-sexual and cheating on me.

He said he would not go to therapy. So it's divorce or I try to trust him again... he does not have a desk job so he could be anywhere and I would never know it with the technology today.

What should I do? Please help.
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

July 9th, 2012, 4:21 pm #2

So so sorry that this is happening to you.

I would not believe for one minute that this is merely fantasy and refusing therapy is unacceptable if you were to stay. That leaves the attorney option.

How do you feel about staying? Do you want to be married to him? Are you and dd better with or without him?




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
Last edited by goldiescholar on July 9th, 2012, 10:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: July 9th, 2012, 3:47 pm

July 9th, 2012, 4:40 pm #3

I'm still trying to figure it all out. Not sure how to stay and live together while contacting attorney and I need to find one I know a few personally but not sure I want one that knows us? Do I want to air the dirty laundry with someone we know? Also, I have been a SAHM for a very long time. I'm not employed - DH owns his own company and it's suffering do the economy. Not sure how too proceed right now.

Who will pay for lawyer? and how do next steps work?

I'm not sure I want to be with him period, but since I'm not working I'm stuck.
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

July 9th, 2012, 4:57 pm #4

I think you can sue him for the legal fees, but you might have to put down a retainer. I can understand not wanting to use one you both know. If you get an attorney, get the best one you can. If you can trust each other and if it's legal, it's cheaper to use a conflict-mediator, but if he were to get a lawyer, you'd need to lawyer up, too.

An attorney can better answer your question about dh's job and wages. I would think you're entitled to 1/2 of the business, but 1/2 of not much doesn't go very far. I don't know if they can force him to get a more stable job.

The other option is to stay in the same house, separate rooms, knowing that you're married in name only. And you'd have to find a way to be courteous to each other for dd's sake, because believe me, she'll pick up quickly if there is tension. My ds recently pointed it out to us. A lot of couples are having to do this during the recession. I've heard that it leads to greater risk of child abuse, but I wouldn't think your family would be high-risk for that. However, if you can't manage to keep things civil, it could be very hard on dd.

I need to finish reading this book, but it's hard to make time. Imperfect Harmony: How to Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children and Still Be Happy.http://www.amazon.com/Imperfect-Harmony ... 031228974X

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What a horrible surprise!




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
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Joined: June 9th, 2009, 5:21 pm

July 9th, 2012, 7:04 pm #5

Dear ladies,

I need some help I know all of you are wise.

I just discovered e-mails between DH and another party looking for sex in real life. (Quick history: In the past years on/off there was some internet porn going on, we went to therapy, he said he would stop, obviously he didn't as now it appears to be taken to the next level. We've been married 10+ years. I can't be sure anything actually happened - but the emails do seem telling.) I found the actual personal ad that he placed online (in another email addy)

Yes, I am disturbed, mad, sad and to top it off it's with women/men. I left the house with our daughter last night. I didn't want to have a discussion with him while she was there. When he called he asked why I left and I just said that "the jig was up", and his secret was out. Of course, he denied it and then I said I had the emails and to stop making up stories. He claims he does it for his fantasy... I should add that our sex life has dwindled over the years and I always felt something wasn't right. UGH.
He said he was going to kill himself - then apologized and wanted us to come home. I called a neighbor to see if he was home - and he was and then called me back mad that I had the neighbor involved. Neighbors are good friends but of course he's now embarrassed if this gets out that he's bi-sexual and cheating on me.

He said he would not go to therapy. So it's divorce or I try to trust him again... he does not have a desk job so he could be anywhere and I would never know it with the technology today.

What should I do? Please help.
He could have exposed you to an STD if he really had gone through with the act! I'm sorry to say, but I wouldn't trust him personally. Especially since you have already tried therapy.

If I were you, I'd consult with an attorney. You don't have to pay a retainer unless they actively litigate for you. Most attorneys will give you the first consult for free.

Last edited by AC2009 on July 9th, 2012, 7:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Me- 30
Day 3- FSH 10.4, E2 42; Day 10- 16.6; Possible endo, slight anti sperm antibodies
DH- 30, low Morph
TTC 23 Cycles
2 Cycles on Clomid- BFN
3 Cycles on Femara & IUI- BFN
Now- Natural plus antioxidants, Acu/Herbs till IVF when we're ready emotionally
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Joined: January 19th, 2007, 7:18 pm

July 9th, 2012, 7:10 pm #6

Dear ladies,

I need some help I know all of you are wise.

I just discovered e-mails between DH and another party looking for sex in real life. (Quick history: In the past years on/off there was some internet porn going on, we went to therapy, he said he would stop, obviously he didn't as now it appears to be taken to the next level. We've been married 10+ years. I can't be sure anything actually happened - but the emails do seem telling.) I found the actual personal ad that he placed online (in another email addy)

Yes, I am disturbed, mad, sad and to top it off it's with women/men. I left the house with our daughter last night. I didn't want to have a discussion with him while she was there. When he called he asked why I left and I just said that "the jig was up", and his secret was out. Of course, he denied it and then I said I had the emails and to stop making up stories. He claims he does it for his fantasy... I should add that our sex life has dwindled over the years and I always felt something wasn't right. UGH.
He said he was going to kill himself - then apologized and wanted us to come home. I called a neighbor to see if he was home - and he was and then called me back mad that I had the neighbor involved. Neighbors are good friends but of course he's now embarrassed if this gets out that he's bi-sexual and cheating on me.

He said he would not go to therapy. So it's divorce or I try to trust him again... he does not have a desk job so he could be anywhere and I would never know it with the technology today.

What should I do? Please help.
it's imperative you consult with a family law attorney (or more than one) right away so you know your rights. The initial consultation should be free.

If you know several attorneys, as you indicated you do, ask them for some names. In general, attorneys tend to know who is good & who to avoid. You want a family law attorney, though.

Only you can decide what is best for you, but since you asked, for me, twice betrayed would be it. And the bisexual angle would concern me greatly in that I would wonder if he is gay but unable to fully come to terms with it? If that's the case, you really need to know b/c all the promises in the world can't change his sexual orientation. Some couples do stay married for convenience, but it has to be based on honesty, understanding, & acceptance, which he has not demonstrated he is capable of to date.

You have my deepest sympathies. What a difficult, painful situation this is. Do you have family or friends you can stay with temporarily while you decide what to do?



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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

July 9th, 2012, 8:38 pm #7

Dear ladies,

I need some help I know all of you are wise.

I just discovered e-mails between DH and another party looking for sex in real life. (Quick history: In the past years on/off there was some internet porn going on, we went to therapy, he said he would stop, obviously he didn't as now it appears to be taken to the next level. We've been married 10+ years. I can't be sure anything actually happened - but the emails do seem telling.) I found the actual personal ad that he placed online (in another email addy)

Yes, I am disturbed, mad, sad and to top it off it's with women/men. I left the house with our daughter last night. I didn't want to have a discussion with him while she was there. When he called he asked why I left and I just said that "the jig was up", and his secret was out. Of course, he denied it and then I said I had the emails and to stop making up stories. He claims he does it for his fantasy... I should add that our sex life has dwindled over the years and I always felt something wasn't right. UGH.
He said he was going to kill himself - then apologized and wanted us to come home. I called a neighbor to see if he was home - and he was and then called me back mad that I had the neighbor involved. Neighbors are good friends but of course he's now embarrassed if this gets out that he's bi-sexual and cheating on me.

He said he would not go to therapy. So it's divorce or I try to trust him again... he does not have a desk job so he could be anywhere and I would never know it with the technology today.

What should I do? Please help.
Definitely find a few family law attorneys who will consult with you for free. If you can't find anyone, the bar association in your state has attorneys that you can consult with via phone for something like $40 for an initial consult. There may also be some legal advice clinics that see people who do not have financial resources. Jot down all of your questions as they arise so you'll be prepared for the talk.

I have been through divorce, and it is very expensive even if you use a mediator vs. 2 lawyers and even if there is nothing contested. I am so, so, SOOOOO angry at your DH right now. I think he is in the category of "sex and love addict" (or just sex addict). I have had a few of those in my life. By any chance, does he have ADHD? It is more common for those folks to have these issues as well. I'm afraid I agree with the other posters that you should not trust him. This behavior is very concerning. A friend of mine initially saw some internet porn her husband was viewing, then an internet relationship, and later...child pornography. I keep reminding her she is very lucky to be away from him now. What he is doing is not normal behavior of an unsatisfied husband. If you want to take that on, know that that will be a long, hard, painful, and possibly never acceptable situation for you. Therapy is not a cure in many cases.

I have a family member and she and her husband could not afford to get divorced. So legally they are married but live in different homes. They never filed for legal separation either, because that really dings you in terms of taxes. So yes, some people stay married and raise kids together and live together but do not have a "marriage" per se (which oddly enough is kind of my situation as we are not at all intimate with one another or spend any 1:1 time together anymore), and others stay married but live apart. There are options that people have had to get creative with.

Do you trust him alone with your DD? That would be one concern, and when I consulted with an attorney recently she assured me that a father practically has to have his child's blood on his hands before a court will deny visitation rights. It varies from state to state, but not much I'm afraid.

Again, I can't express how very sorry I am that you are in this situation. It just goes to show that you can never really know the heart and mind of another person...
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Joined: December 29th, 2006, 10:07 am

July 9th, 2012, 9:07 pm #8

Dear ladies,

I need some help I know all of you are wise.

I just discovered e-mails between DH and another party looking for sex in real life. (Quick history: In the past years on/off there was some internet porn going on, we went to therapy, he said he would stop, obviously he didn't as now it appears to be taken to the next level. We've been married 10+ years. I can't be sure anything actually happened - but the emails do seem telling.) I found the actual personal ad that he placed online (in another email addy)

Yes, I am disturbed, mad, sad and to top it off it's with women/men. I left the house with our daughter last night. I didn't want to have a discussion with him while she was there. When he called he asked why I left and I just said that "the jig was up", and his secret was out. Of course, he denied it and then I said I had the emails and to stop making up stories. He claims he does it for his fantasy... I should add that our sex life has dwindled over the years and I always felt something wasn't right. UGH.
He said he was going to kill himself - then apologized and wanted us to come home. I called a neighbor to see if he was home - and he was and then called me back mad that I had the neighbor involved. Neighbors are good friends but of course he's now embarrassed if this gets out that he's bi-sexual and cheating on me.

He said he would not go to therapy. So it's divorce or I try to trust him again... he does not have a desk job so he could be anywhere and I would never know it with the technology today.

What should I do? Please help.
the trust has gone. You have given him another chance and here he is back at it again, only at a worse level than before........

It is hard to know what you would really do if in the same situation but certainly cannot take assurances from him that this is the end of it (because he has broken too many promises)

This is definitely the major downside of the internet - it makes things like this so easy to get into.

A big big cyber hug to you
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cy2
Joined: February 16th, 2006, 6:45 pm

July 9th, 2012, 9:22 pm #9

Dear ladies,

I need some help I know all of you are wise.

I just discovered e-mails between DH and another party looking for sex in real life. (Quick history: In the past years on/off there was some internet porn going on, we went to therapy, he said he would stop, obviously he didn't as now it appears to be taken to the next level. We've been married 10+ years. I can't be sure anything actually happened - but the emails do seem telling.) I found the actual personal ad that he placed online (in another email addy)

Yes, I am disturbed, mad, sad and to top it off it's with women/men. I left the house with our daughter last night. I didn't want to have a discussion with him while she was there. When he called he asked why I left and I just said that "the jig was up", and his secret was out. Of course, he denied it and then I said I had the emails and to stop making up stories. He claims he does it for his fantasy... I should add that our sex life has dwindled over the years and I always felt something wasn't right. UGH.
He said he was going to kill himself - then apologized and wanted us to come home. I called a neighbor to see if he was home - and he was and then called me back mad that I had the neighbor involved. Neighbors are good friends but of course he's now embarrassed if this gets out that he's bi-sexual and cheating on me.

He said he would not go to therapy. So it's divorce or I try to trust him again... he does not have a desk job so he could be anywhere and I would never know it with the technology today.

What should I do? Please help.
Hugs to you and your DD. What horrible turmoil. I think you need to take some time to recover from the initial shock and carefully evaluate what you really need/want for the long term. It's so hard to make life-changing decisions. I try to tell my clients to avoid making those kinds of decisions when they are really stressed out or anxious, because your perspective can be so distorted if you're overly emotional.

A couple tools I use for myself are to do a benefit vs drawback analysis of each option I am considering (literally a line down the center of the page and write pros and cons on either side). Then I count the number of benefits vs. drawbacks to see if I'm leaning one way or the other. Finally, I put a single line through any item that will not be a factor in one year. That way I filter out the short term impact and can judge the long term issues.

I also try to map out (I'm sort of nerdy, so sometimes I make outlines, in writing or on the computer!) the absolute best scenario going forward and then the absolute worst. After that I try to figure out what will happen with the least amount of stress/effort on my part. Finally, I guestimate the odds of all three and decide where on the spectrum I can reasonably expect to be. (A lot depends on how much effort I'm willing to exert.) Of course, with major issues, I'm willing to give %100+, and relatively minor things probably less than 10% effort.

I found these things help me focus on what needs to be analyzed and keeps me from re-playing icky loops in my head and making myself more anxious. I also can see where I have some control or ability to influence outcomes and when I have been spending my effort climbing a ladder leaned up against the wrong building (those are some of the worst revelations).

Good luck! Remember to take good care of yourself and nurture yourself the way you would look after your dearest friend during a crisis. You can work out the best possible scenario for yourself and your family. Hang in there!
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Joined: December 24th, 2004, 3:57 am

July 9th, 2012, 9:28 pm #10

Dear ladies,

I need some help I know all of you are wise.

I just discovered e-mails between DH and another party looking for sex in real life. (Quick history: In the past years on/off there was some internet porn going on, we went to therapy, he said he would stop, obviously he didn't as now it appears to be taken to the next level. We've been married 10+ years. I can't be sure anything actually happened - but the emails do seem telling.) I found the actual personal ad that he placed online (in another email addy)

Yes, I am disturbed, mad, sad and to top it off it's with women/men. I left the house with our daughter last night. I didn't want to have a discussion with him while she was there. When he called he asked why I left and I just said that "the jig was up", and his secret was out. Of course, he denied it and then I said I had the emails and to stop making up stories. He claims he does it for his fantasy... I should add that our sex life has dwindled over the years and I always felt something wasn't right. UGH.
He said he was going to kill himself - then apologized and wanted us to come home. I called a neighbor to see if he was home - and he was and then called me back mad that I had the neighbor involved. Neighbors are good friends but of course he's now embarrassed if this gets out that he's bi-sexual and cheating on me.

He said he would not go to therapy. So it's divorce or I try to trust him again... he does not have a desk job so he could be anywhere and I would never know it with the technology today.

What should I do? Please help.
I am so sorry you are going through this--it must be devastating to feel this type of betrayal. That being said, it is a positive step that you have found out so that you can take the right steps for your family.

I think the very first thing you should do is to consult with a family law attorney so you can find out what rights you have and how you can financially protect yourself and dd. I am not sure of this but I think it might be a better step for dh to leave the home instead of you but an attorney can guide you.

I would also go to my physician and get tested for STDs. Even if DH says he did not do anything, you need to make sure you are protected. Be sure you go to someone who you can trust and who you can be absolutely candid with.

If you have already been through therapy together, it does seem a bit pointless to repeat it at this point. BUT I would make a pretty involved psych evaluation a condition of seeing dd unsupervised (he has not exactly proven himself a trustworthy partner here...)

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this and will keep you in my thoughts.
Last edited by Piper1111 on July 9th, 2012, 9:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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