***finally back*** and some thoughts about cousins

***finally back*** and some thoughts about cousins

Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

August 7th, 2012, 6:21 am #1

Wow. Seems like an epic vacay. We were gone from 7/18 to 8/2, slept at home 2 nights, and then drove about 100 miles for a wedding and spent 2 more nights there. I had 9 days in NYC earlier this summer, too. o.m.g. I am so tired.

Western leg of the trip was wonderful. We spent 3.5 days with Quadmom, who is a fabulous hostess and buddy. And she makes parenting quads look easy! And two of them are mildly autistic! (Very mild. I wouldn't have known if she hadn't been telling us all these years.) They are wonderful kids. She has a terrific extended family who made us feel so welcome. DS had a great time with the quads. Neither the quads nor their cousins ever teased or bullied one single time, even when he was inappropriate, which is just so not the norm for him.

The wedding . . . my outlaws . . . this is really making me think and question the effort I've been putting into those relationships. I've been feeling so bad for ds growing up with few cousins, no siblings, long distances from relatives, so we try to make sure he gets a week with them every summer. We spent 1.5 full days with dh's family this weekend. As I watched from the corner table where we were charted to sit with the grumpy older relatives, I noticed the family members who were our age enjoying themselves among their closer relatives, friends and buddies. I thought about how little (no) effort many of them made to talk to ds the entire visit, even in the a.m. when we all had breakfast together and went swimming, and I just had to wonder why I'm spending so much money and energy trying to create opportunities for ds to be with them. Even when we're with them, they put so little effort into their relationship with him. DH's brother hardly spoke to ds at all. To think we once had appointed him as guardian! I am so glad we changed that. My dh has always played so much with their kids, but it's obviously very one-sided.

We are such opposites. After all these years, our only middle ground is as thin and superficial as a puff of dust on a light breeze.

And you know how in some instances opposites can overcome the gulf?

We can't.

I've already decided we're only spending 3 days/summer with them going forward, but still, it costs either $900 for all of us to fly there (plus boarding the dog) or 2 days to drive. And that time and money is precious -- it takes a lot away from other things we might do.

I'm very torn. I know so many ppl who enjoy their cousins, and poor ds seems to be getting the short end.

Is this one-sidedness normal? Are my expectations too high?






Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 52, dh 53
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
Last edited by goldiescholar on August 7th, 2012, 12:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: December 6th, 2011, 5:57 am

August 7th, 2012, 7:11 am #2

I had similar experience with my NY cousins.

My family was busy impressing their surroundings (business associates and friends) much more than the "strangers" from not so developed countries - like Israel (!!!)
My DS was 13 when we attended that wedding in NY. He felt like a monkey in the zoo, especially when he realized that the invitation to be a guest speaker at a Jewish school - was not serious (they did not arrive to pick him up and did not even apologize for that).
I can't forget that event. He prepared such an interesting speech about Israel and the youth's activities. As I remember all that, I feel like crying.

My NY cousins treat their siblings from AZ the same way, although the head of the family is a doctor.

My other NY cousin, felt an outsider too, so he moved to Michigan and opened his doctors clinic there.

It's the atmosphere in Manhattan, I think. It's that ambitious environment.




Joy and celebrations,

Adee
Adee
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

August 7th, 2012, 12:22 pm #3

I live in a Bible Belt state which has been a laughing stock in the news quite often, and even outlaws in MI feel superior. Forget about the cousins near D.C. -- even though they're blood kin, they can be awful snobs.

I'm sorry about your ds! I'll bet his speech was fabulous! What a missed opportunity!




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
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Joined: August 21st, 2002, 8:07 pm

August 7th, 2012, 12:40 pm #4

Wow. Seems like an epic vacay. We were gone from 7/18 to 8/2, slept at home 2 nights, and then drove about 100 miles for a wedding and spent 2 more nights there. I had 9 days in NYC earlier this summer, too. o.m.g. I am so tired.

Western leg of the trip was wonderful. We spent 3.5 days with Quadmom, who is a fabulous hostess and buddy. And she makes parenting quads look easy! And two of them are mildly autistic! (Very mild. I wouldn't have known if she hadn't been telling us all these years.) They are wonderful kids. She has a terrific extended family who made us feel so welcome. DS had a great time with the quads. Neither the quads nor their cousins ever teased or bullied one single time, even when he was inappropriate, which is just so not the norm for him.

The wedding . . . my outlaws . . . this is really making me think and question the effort I've been putting into those relationships. I've been feeling so bad for ds growing up with few cousins, no siblings, long distances from relatives, so we try to make sure he gets a week with them every summer. We spent 1.5 full days with dh's family this weekend. As I watched from the corner table where we were charted to sit with the grumpy older relatives, I noticed the family members who were our age enjoying themselves among their closer relatives, friends and buddies. I thought about how little (no) effort many of them made to talk to ds the entire visit, even in the a.m. when we all had breakfast together and went swimming, and I just had to wonder why I'm spending so much money and energy trying to create opportunities for ds to be with them. Even when we're with them, they put so little effort into their relationship with him. DH's brother hardly spoke to ds at all. To think we once had appointed him as guardian! I am so glad we changed that. My dh has always played so much with their kids, but it's obviously very one-sided.

We are such opposites. After all these years, our only middle ground is as thin and superficial as a puff of dust on a light breeze.

And you know how in some instances opposites can overcome the gulf?

We can't.

I've already decided we're only spending 3 days/summer with them going forward, but still, it costs either $900 for all of us to fly there (plus boarding the dog) or 2 days to drive. And that time and money is precious -- it takes a lot away from other things we might do.

I'm very torn. I know so many ppl who enjoy their cousins, and poor ds seems to be getting the short end.

Is this one-sidedness normal? Are my expectations too high?






Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 52, dh 53
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
I hear what you are saying but from my perspective, I have to say you have it pretty good. Our DS has no relationship with his cousins because none exist. He is heir apparent on both sides. Relationship with DH's 15 year older brother deteriorated shortly after we married 22 years ago - and they had no kids....and of course, who can forget that the relationship with my sister was the politest ever "FU" I ever received. She got married in 2009, and is coming up on age 34, and still has no kids...and apparently is not trying because her DH refuses to look for work and she is the only source of family income...and even if she did, doubtful my DS would ever meet them given all of what occurred between us...presently we awkwardly relate through facebook on occasion...and well, you know better than anyone how much I give up on facebook....

((((queue the crickets))))......

If you have cousins and you have warm feelings between relationships - you have it really good KM - count those blessings and make the best of it.



[size=300]EllenA[/size]

dx'd high fsh at age 30
ttc 6 years
5 failed clomid cycles
2 failed IVF cycles
#3 IVF/ICSI worked out fine
FET 2 years later didn't work out
Proud mom of an amazing miracle boy.
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Joined: January 27th, 2003, 11:09 pm

August 7th, 2012, 12:54 pm #5

Wow. Seems like an epic vacay. We were gone from 7/18 to 8/2, slept at home 2 nights, and then drove about 100 miles for a wedding and spent 2 more nights there. I had 9 days in NYC earlier this summer, too. o.m.g. I am so tired.

Western leg of the trip was wonderful. We spent 3.5 days with Quadmom, who is a fabulous hostess and buddy. And she makes parenting quads look easy! And two of them are mildly autistic! (Very mild. I wouldn't have known if she hadn't been telling us all these years.) They are wonderful kids. She has a terrific extended family who made us feel so welcome. DS had a great time with the quads. Neither the quads nor their cousins ever teased or bullied one single time, even when he was inappropriate, which is just so not the norm for him.

The wedding . . . my outlaws . . . this is really making me think and question the effort I've been putting into those relationships. I've been feeling so bad for ds growing up with few cousins, no siblings, long distances from relatives, so we try to make sure he gets a week with them every summer. We spent 1.5 full days with dh's family this weekend. As I watched from the corner table where we were charted to sit with the grumpy older relatives, I noticed the family members who were our age enjoying themselves among their closer relatives, friends and buddies. I thought about how little (no) effort many of them made to talk to ds the entire visit, even in the a.m. when we all had breakfast together and went swimming, and I just had to wonder why I'm spending so much money and energy trying to create opportunities for ds to be with them. Even when we're with them, they put so little effort into their relationship with him. DH's brother hardly spoke to ds at all. To think we once had appointed him as guardian! I am so glad we changed that. My dh has always played so much with their kids, but it's obviously very one-sided.

We are such opposites. After all these years, our only middle ground is as thin and superficial as a puff of dust on a light breeze.

And you know how in some instances opposites can overcome the gulf?

We can't.

I've already decided we're only spending 3 days/summer with them going forward, but still, it costs either $900 for all of us to fly there (plus boarding the dog) or 2 days to drive. And that time and money is precious -- it takes a lot away from other things we might do.

I'm very torn. I know so many ppl who enjoy their cousins, and poor ds seems to be getting the short end.

Is this one-sidedness normal? Are my expectations too high?






Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 52, dh 53
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
IMHO, I think you are expecting more from them than they are able or willing to give you. That's not to say that your expectations are unreasonable; I don't think that at all, but people are who they are. If I were you, I'd consider taking a year off from visiting them next year. Not as a punishment, but because as you said, it's a lot of money to spend and you are not getting what you'd hope to get from it (stronger bonds between DS and the relatives).

Something to consider, my DH's cousins and aunties and uncles lived far away (one set of grandparents, too). They only saw them once a year or oftentimes less while growing up. He has memories, but they are not particularly fond ones. They are all adults now, and DS's little brother is VERY close with one of the families/cousins. He happened to move near them as a young adult, and the relationships grew and strengthened. We now live somewhat close to these relatives as well, but it just hasn't happened for us...too busy with the kids I suppose. We get together occasionally, but it's clearly not the same level of closeness. Distances are tough, and you've tried hard to strengthen your DS's relationships, but I think a lot of it is out of your hands. Personalities, distance, circumstances...think about your own relationships with people. Doesn't much of it seem kind of random? You came together at a certain point in your life when certain situations all aligned. I don't know. I think most of this is out of your hands. I wouldn't feel even the tiniest bit guilty about taking a year off. How would your DH feel about that? DS?

How awesome that you got to spend time with quadmom and her family! She is someone I would love to see in action someday, too!

xoxooxoxox
MM
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

August 7th, 2012, 12:55 pm #6

I hear what you are saying but from my perspective, I have to say you have it pretty good. Our DS has no relationship with his cousins because none exist. He is heir apparent on both sides. Relationship with DH's 15 year older brother deteriorated shortly after we married 22 years ago - and they had no kids....and of course, who can forget that the relationship with my sister was the politest ever "FU" I ever received. She got married in 2009, and is coming up on age 34, and still has no kids...and apparently is not trying because her DH refuses to look for work and she is the only source of family income...and even if she did, doubtful my DS would ever meet them given all of what occurred between us...presently we awkwardly relate through facebook on occasion...and well, you know better than anyone how much I give up on facebook....

((((queue the crickets))))......

If you have cousins and you have warm feelings between relationships - you have it really good KM - count those blessings and make the best of it.



[size=300]EllenA[/size]

dx'd high fsh at age 30
ttc 6 years
5 failed clomid cycles
2 failed IVF cycles
#3 IVF/ICSI worked out fine
FET 2 years later didn't work out
Proud mom of an amazing miracle boy.
I'm not sure why you thought I described our relationships as warm. Maybe I rambled on too much? There is a bit of lukewarm, and a lot of apathy, and that's it.

Your family and my IL's obviously aren't twins, but they would make great bowling partners!




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
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Joined: February 22nd, 2006, 4:05 am

August 7th, 2012, 1:20 pm #7

Wow. Seems like an epic vacay. We were gone from 7/18 to 8/2, slept at home 2 nights, and then drove about 100 miles for a wedding and spent 2 more nights there. I had 9 days in NYC earlier this summer, too. o.m.g. I am so tired.

Western leg of the trip was wonderful. We spent 3.5 days with Quadmom, who is a fabulous hostess and buddy. And she makes parenting quads look easy! And two of them are mildly autistic! (Very mild. I wouldn't have known if she hadn't been telling us all these years.) They are wonderful kids. She has a terrific extended family who made us feel so welcome. DS had a great time with the quads. Neither the quads nor their cousins ever teased or bullied one single time, even when he was inappropriate, which is just so not the norm for him.

The wedding . . . my outlaws . . . this is really making me think and question the effort I've been putting into those relationships. I've been feeling so bad for ds growing up with few cousins, no siblings, long distances from relatives, so we try to make sure he gets a week with them every summer. We spent 1.5 full days with dh's family this weekend. As I watched from the corner table where we were charted to sit with the grumpy older relatives, I noticed the family members who were our age enjoying themselves among their closer relatives, friends and buddies. I thought about how little (no) effort many of them made to talk to ds the entire visit, even in the a.m. when we all had breakfast together and went swimming, and I just had to wonder why I'm spending so much money and energy trying to create opportunities for ds to be with them. Even when we're with them, they put so little effort into their relationship with him. DH's brother hardly spoke to ds at all. To think we once had appointed him as guardian! I am so glad we changed that. My dh has always played so much with their kids, but it's obviously very one-sided.

We are such opposites. After all these years, our only middle ground is as thin and superficial as a puff of dust on a light breeze.

And you know how in some instances opposites can overcome the gulf?

We can't.

I've already decided we're only spending 3 days/summer with them going forward, but still, it costs either $900 for all of us to fly there (plus boarding the dog) or 2 days to drive. And that time and money is precious -- it takes a lot away from other things we might do.

I'm very torn. I know so many ppl who enjoy their cousins, and poor ds seems to be getting the short end.

Is this one-sidedness normal? Are my expectations too high?






Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 52, dh 53
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
I'm at work and trying to catch up.

Welcome back
Z.
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Joined: September 4th, 2004, 1:08 am

August 7th, 2012, 1:36 pm #8

Wow. Seems like an epic vacay. We were gone from 7/18 to 8/2, slept at home 2 nights, and then drove about 100 miles for a wedding and spent 2 more nights there. I had 9 days in NYC earlier this summer, too. o.m.g. I am so tired.

Western leg of the trip was wonderful. We spent 3.5 days with Quadmom, who is a fabulous hostess and buddy. And she makes parenting quads look easy! And two of them are mildly autistic! (Very mild. I wouldn't have known if she hadn't been telling us all these years.) They are wonderful kids. She has a terrific extended family who made us feel so welcome. DS had a great time with the quads. Neither the quads nor their cousins ever teased or bullied one single time, even when he was inappropriate, which is just so not the norm for him.

The wedding . . . my outlaws . . . this is really making me think and question the effort I've been putting into those relationships. I've been feeling so bad for ds growing up with few cousins, no siblings, long distances from relatives, so we try to make sure he gets a week with them every summer. We spent 1.5 full days with dh's family this weekend. As I watched from the corner table where we were charted to sit with the grumpy older relatives, I noticed the family members who were our age enjoying themselves among their closer relatives, friends and buddies. I thought about how little (no) effort many of them made to talk to ds the entire visit, even in the a.m. when we all had breakfast together and went swimming, and I just had to wonder why I'm spending so much money and energy trying to create opportunities for ds to be with them. Even when we're with them, they put so little effort into their relationship with him. DH's brother hardly spoke to ds at all. To think we once had appointed him as guardian! I am so glad we changed that. My dh has always played so much with their kids, but it's obviously very one-sided.

We are such opposites. After all these years, our only middle ground is as thin and superficial as a puff of dust on a light breeze.

And you know how in some instances opposites can overcome the gulf?

We can't.

I've already decided we're only spending 3 days/summer with them going forward, but still, it costs either $900 for all of us to fly there (plus boarding the dog) or 2 days to drive. And that time and money is precious -- it takes a lot away from other things we might do.

I'm very torn. I know so many ppl who enjoy their cousins, and poor ds seems to be getting the short end.

Is this one-sidedness normal? Are my expectations too high?






Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 52, dh 53
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
Take next year off, maybe they will actually miss seeing you all and look forward to your next visit...maybe??? Family can be so disappointing, it is really sad, but it is their loss and unfortunately out of your control. But have to say I am impressed with how observant you were of the interactions and how clearly you were able to analyze them. Does any of the family come visit you all ever?
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Joined: August 21st, 2002, 8:07 pm

August 7th, 2012, 2:02 pm #9

I'm not sure why you thought I described our relationships as warm. Maybe I rambled on too much? There is a bit of lukewarm, and a lot of apathy, and that's it.

Your family and my IL's obviously aren't twins, but they would make great bowling partners!




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
[edit] - "warm" = "tangible" "existing"

You all know that each other has a pulse - there have been visits - that's what I was saying - even with the bad, there is the potential for good - having zero cousins, means we have zero potential...I was simply trying to find a silver lining for you.



[size=300]EllenA[/size]

dx'd high fsh at age 30
ttc 6 years
5 failed clomid cycles
2 failed IVF cycles
#3 IVF/ICSI worked out fine
FET 2 years later didn't work out
Proud mom of an amazing miracle boy.
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Joined: December 6th, 2011, 5:57 am

August 7th, 2012, 8:42 pm #10

I live in a Bible Belt state which has been a laughing stock in the news quite often, and even outlaws in MI feel superior. Forget about the cousins near D.C. -- even though they're blood kin, they can be awful snobs.

I'm sorry about your ds! I'll bet his speech was fabulous! What a missed opportunity!




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
Snobs!

I never thought of it this way.. I always felt kind of inferior.

As for my DS : he had many other better opportunities to speak in public and he does it really well.
Since it came up, I asked him about it this afternoon and he said that he felt kind of reliefed then.
I guess it was my being so protective that makes me emotional.

Adee
Adee
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