Summary: I want you to know that I wouldn't let you be with him, if I hadn't made myself certain that you'd be happy.
Status: One-shot, complete.
Disclaimer: Those characters don't belong to me!
A/N: It's a little fic I wrote two years ago after being very, very mad at Skate. Now, as I'm rereading it, it looks like my language and point of view really improved, but still it's one of my favorite fics, so I'm gonna post it. No hiding! (BTW. It can be boring, as I write no-action fics, I'm not talented in dialogues).
We had never had a chance.
Now I know that everytime we were together you thought of him. He had always been in your heart, not me. You wanted me to feel 'fine'. You were smiling to me, you were close to me. But it was all for nothing. I've been always saying that you were good at lies. And your love for me was just one of them. A perfect hoax. It was never true. It was never real. Yeah, there were times you wanted it to be real. Because I was perfect man to run to. It was easy to hug me, knowing that I'm your best friend. Hell, it was killing me all the time trying to figure out what you were thinking anytime we were close. You've never said you love me. God, you've never even said you need me.
I know, you're not good at showing feelings. You're afraid of love, of being loved. But, god dammit, why the hell you were playing a sweet little girl, that doesn't want to harm anyone? You brought us into this mess and you had to do harm, and how did you make it that you did it to both of us, I don't know. God, why couldn't you see you were pushing everyone who care about you away? I know your past is driving you crazy, but everyone gets a new life, right? You had been given a chance to change and I really wanted to believe you changed. That you're not able to hoax someone anymore.
I was blind. I wanted to be blind. It was easy at the beginning no to think why you've never said you love me. Not to wanting the truth. Not to think if it even was a lie. I couldn't have even seen that you're not happy with me. Because you don't love me. But there happened something that opened my eyes and you know perfect what was that. And I started to notice, that he's the one who you're smiling to, and perhaps you're thinking of all the time. I was saying to myself, that it can't be. That you can't be. So I began lying to myself. It was just everything much easier, when I wasn't wondering about us.
When I'm watching Aaron, I see how his life is easy. Everything for him is so easy. If you love someone you're with this person. And if not... Well, I just wanted it to be so easy. I wanted to believe you love me. I wanted to believe that I'm really the one you chose. I know love is not a fairytale, but, hell, it wasn't even 'not a fairytale'. I wanted us to be together and I saw everything through that wish. It was so much easier. I was ignoring the way you were smiling to him, you were looking at him, you were touching him, becuase there were times that we were together and those were giving me false hope, that we are meant to be. We. But I started to finiding out more and more often, that you may love him. And I've been always denying it. God, why couldn't you tell me you don't love me? Why couldn't you just make it easier? Why couldn't you make your, hell dammit, choice? Why did you have to be a sweet little girl?
You were blind too. You couldn't see that your choice was obvious. It's not like it's about winning and loosing, but one's of us heart had to feel pain. Because I love you as well as him. You know that, and he knows that too. Damn triagle - everyone loves everyone. Plato said that everyone has his second half. One second half. One. So why couldn't you make up your mind earlier? Why it took you so long? If you perfectly knew that he is your second half? That he has those eyes you're in love with, he has those hands that make you shiver, he has this heartbeat you want to hear, he has this character you fell for? Why you were torturing me in this, certainly too much painful way? Why you kept on giving me false hope? Maybe you didn't want to love him, because it was easier to 'love' me. Maybe you couldn't own up you love him.
Love is too strong. Yeah, it is one of those damn colloquialisms, but now I know how it's true. You just couldn't fight with your feelings, because they were stronger. But you just simply can't make someone love someone else. If you don't have this stupid feeling in your stomach at the beginning you won't feel it ever. You can't lie to yourself for too long, because you won't take it. Because you won't live with it. Especially when you know the person you love loves you too. You'll give up in some moment, knowing you can't let her suffer anymore. And that was what you did.
You cut all doubts off when you pushed yourself into his arms. His. When you made me understand that I'm not the one. That you do not need me. That I'm useless for you. That I lost my price. For first I couldn't breathe, because it was too much. It was too much for me watching you and him together, watching you smiling to him and watching to him even if those were same hugs and smiles they were before. But there was no false hope in me anymore. There was no hope at all. But then I started to feel that I can exist. That I can breathe, I can live. That I don't care about you anymore.
But I want you to know one thing, Kate. I want you to know that I wouldn't let you be with him, if I hadn't made myself certain that you'd be happy.
And I believe he makes you happy. Because he loves you. Because he's Jack.
We had never had a chance.
First I have to say don't say your fic is boring because it lacks action and dialogue. I think some of the best fics lack both of them. I really enjoy getting inside a characters head and seeing what they are thinking and feeling, those kinds of fics can be some of the most interesting to read.
I am very impressed with how well you got inside Sawyers head, (it was his head right.) Especially considering English is your second language, even with the few errors I was able to read past them and still feel what he was thinking, what you were trying to convey. I couldn't imagine trying to do that in a second language and you say your language has improved a lot since you wrote this so I think that a someone to beta your stories they could be great. You seem to have all the building blocks there. I enjoyed it good job. :)