"Where is..."

Welcome to Freedom, a support group dedicated to educated cold turkey nicotine dependency recovery. Prior to applying to join, it is critical that you read: (1) The Law of Addiction (2) Our Mission Statement (3) Relapse Policy and (4) Rules.

"Where is..."

Joel
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

16 Aug 2004, 22:39 #1

I just saw a case of one member asking where another member was since he or she had not posted in a few weeks.
I am lifting the comment below from the string "Come share your strength, come recognize your vulnerabilities?". In it we explain how we never want to put any undo pressure on any member to come and post. It is up to each and every member himself or herself to post whenever he or she wants to. We do hope though that members and non-members alike stop on by and read every now and then as time permits. Keeping ones own quit strong and secure is of paramount importance by all people who have quit smoking.

The practice of asking where a particular member is putting unwanted pressure on that person to post. It is also setting up a situation that can pose a real problem. There are times when a person is gone for weeks or even months at a time. If another member puts up a post asking where is so and so, there is a good chance the person will never see it and thus not respond. This can set up the perception that the person relapsed. There are times when this may be the case, but there are just as many times if not more where it was not the case. Actually, as I think back to the times when we have seen a post like "Where is what's his name," in most cases we knew the person was still off smoking, but it is not up to us to report on any specific member. Whenever we see posts come up asking about another member we are going to pull that post.

I should also point out that there are people who occasionally leave Freedom who are still not smoking. As some people grow more comfortable in their quits (see Freedom - your journey to comfort - a highly focused forum) they find our style of operation to restrictive. Sometimes a person will pull his or her own membership because of our structure, at other times we have pulled posting privileges of members because they were trying to shape Freedom's style into one that was more relaxed and social and better fitting their current state of being. Such actions though will weaken the level of focus that we keep at Freedom and we believe that level of focus is more important than the enjoyment of any particular person or even groups of people. So there are times when a person is no longer a member and thus cannot respond to a request for information. If a person is no longer a member it may mean many things and there is no way to know for sure. Even at times when we know the status of an individual the managers won't divulge that information unless that member or past member expressly tells us that they want us to pass along his or her information.

In summary, it is impossible to know for sure the status of a person who is not posting. When it comes down to it though, the only one person any member should be focusing on is himself or herself. The people who any member should be giving assistance to or looking to support are people who are expressly asking for such help. Put all available time you have into securing your own quit and put any extra time you have at the site into helping our new members or even a longer-term member who is asking for help. As I said, it is impossible to know for sure the status of a person who is not posting. The only thing that you can know for sure though is that your quit will stay strong and secure whether you are a member or not, or, whether you ever post or not just as long as you always remember to stick to the commitment you made to yourself to never take another puff!

Last edited by Joel on 11 Jan 2015, 18:56, edited 2 times in total.
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Joel
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

16 Aug 2004, 22:42 #2

Here is another post from that same string:
http://sc.groups.msn.com/.../pby/img/mb/reply_bg.gif noWrap align=middle>Reply
Image
ImageRecommend ImageDelete Message 65 of 72 in Discussion
From: Joel Sent: 2/10/2004 7:10 PM
A member posed the question of what if a person all of a sudden doesn't post for a long time. Should we all assume the person went back to smoking. I think the following commentary addresses this issue:
Actually, the majority of our successful quitters don't post all that often. We often see where a person is celebrating turning silver or gold or off multiple years who drop in and say, "I don't post much anymore but I still drop by and read regularly. Spending time reading is probably more likely to help a person secure his or her quit than posting. When it comes down to it, our real wish is for each individual here is to keep his or her own quit secure.

Now there are people who are long-term quitters who are in fact frequent posters. We really appreciate all of the work and help of these people who do stick around. You can tell from the posts of these people that they are well beyond the point of feeling insecure about their own quits. They know not to get complacent and they do want to help. If a person has the time and desire to be there for others they are great assets to our board. But for people whose time might be limited, we want them to put their time into securing their own quits more than trying to secure others.

There is one thing that makes our goal a little different than many Internet based sites. We don't want people to sacrifice time from other areas of their lives and getting hooked on the board. (See Crutches and Freedom - your journey to comfort - a highly focused forum) In the beginning few days this is common, where new members really do spend an inordinate amount of time reading and learning and trying to strengthen their resolve. This is during the time period when many people do find their lives centered around not smoking. Over time though, life should not need to be centered around not smoking, it should be centered around living your life. Being really successful means that you have developed the ability of being with family, friends, doing your job, and meeting your normal day to day demands without constantly thinking about smoking or about quitting.

Over the long-term not smoking should still be looked at as a big deal and a major accomplishment but you shouldn't have to spend more than a few minutes on any given day reminding yourself of this fact. (see "I am not going to smoke today!" and Take it one day at a time. We don't want new members or people first looking at our site who are just considering quitting to think that quitting smoking is going to be a major time commitment or something that is going to consume the rest of their lives. Quitting smoking is going to buy you lots of time and allow you the ability to live your life to the fullest.

We know not everyone has time to stop by and write everyday. Some people don't have time to write every week or even every month. But do try to find the time to stop by and read every once in a while. Taking a few minutes to read can help to secure your quit. Securing your quit can help to buy you years and maybe even decades of extra time of a healthier and higher quality life. Make a point of stopping by every now and then to to read and strengthen your commitment and resolve to never take another puff!

Joel


Last edited by Joel on 18 Jun 2009, 21:40, edited 1 time in total.
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Joel
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

03 Sep 2004, 10:26 #3

I brought this one up earlier today because there were a couple of older posts popped up of people who have not posted in quite a while. I thought it was important to note that just because a member may not be around posting doesn't necessarily mean that he or she lost his or her quit.

I am bringing it up again now because we seem to have a few members who are breaking some of our codes of conduct here at Freedom. If the trend continues we will likely be pulling some memberships to get the board back in order. Again, it is not going to be safe to assume that if a person is no longer a member that he or she relapsed. For the record, if we pull a membership because of a relapse we will generally pull up the string "Good news, our members don't relapse anymore," with a brief explanation. Although I should note that we will not identify who the person was.

If we pull posts and/or memberships for Rules and Courtesy violations, we may or may not make the same kind of announcements. Generally we will just pop up the Rules and Courtesy thread and copy and paste the rule that was violated.

There are a number of protocol violations that can end up costing you your membership at Freedom. There is only one rule violation though that can cost you your quit--and that is breaking the law of addiction and not sticking to your personal commitment to never take another puff!

Joel
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GrumpyOMrsS (Gold)
Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:00

15 Nov 2004, 11:17 #4

I just deleted a post that was asking how a specific member was doing since he had not been around for a while. This string clarifies why the post was removed.

The practice of asking where a particular member is putting unwanted pressure on that person to post. It is also setting up a situation that can pose a real problem. There are times when a person is gone for weeks or even months at a time. If another member puts up a post asking where is so and so, there is a good chance the person will never see it and thus not respond. This can set up the perception that the person relapsed. There are times when this may be the case, but there are just as many times if not more where it was not the case. Actually, as I think back to the times when we have seen a post like "Where is what's his name," in most cases we knew the person was still off smoking, but it is not up to us to report on any specific member. Whenever we see posts come up asking about another member we are going to pull that post.

Linda
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Joel
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

15 Jan 2005, 21:36 #5

I just saw a post from a member who was approaching her third year anniversary. We always like it when people have a chance to drop on in and say hello, even though we always make it clear that it is neither expected or required. I clicked on her posting history and the dates for her other previous posts were February of 2004, April of 2003 and December of 2002.

This example shows a great case in point of how if a member were to write "where is...insert name" on any given day on any given month, there is a good chance that the successful ex-smoker would not see the request and all assumptions would be that the person had relapsed.

I am using this one example to hit home the point that just because a person may not be posting no one should assume that he or she is smoking. I am not using this example in any way to make this successful member or any successful member feel that he or she should be posting more. Yes a long-term member is free to post as much as he or she would like as his or her time permits, but no individual member should is in any way feel pressured to post. The only pressure we wish to exert on our members is to take a little time to stop by and read to help further secure even long term quits.

The string No need to apologize also addresses this very issue. As that string says:
We know not everyone has time to stop by and write everyday. Some people don't have time to write every week or even every month. But do try to find the time to stop by and read every once in a while. Taking a few minutes to read can help to secure your quit. Securing your quit can help to buy you years and maybe even decades of extra time of a healthier and higher quality life. Make a point of stopping by every now and then to to read and strengthen your commitment and resolve to never take another puff! Joel


Last edited by Joel on 18 Jun 2009, 21:48, edited 1 time in total.
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GrumpyOMrsS (Gold)
Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:00

08 May 2005, 04:11 #6

"Posting a parade or congratulation thread for a person who is no longer a member is not a practice that we are going to allow to happen at Freedom. First, we do not know whether the person who is being highlighted wants to be highlighted. If a person is no longer a member he or she either decided that Freedom was not right for him or her and so left our site, or, broke some code of conduct that caused management to make the decision that the person should no longer be posting at Freedom. Either way new posts should not be made about these people and old strings should not be brought up bringing the past member to the forefront of attention.
If you look at Our Courtesies thread you will see there are numerous ways that a person can lose his or her ability to post at Freedom from Tobacco without relapsing. But there is only one way for a person to really lose his or her Freedom from Tobacco, a move that could cost that person his or her health and his or her life. That way is breaking the commitment that he or she made to him or herself to never take another puff!"
Joel
Last edited by GrumpyOMrsS (Gold) on 18 Jun 2009, 21:56, edited 1 time in total.
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Joel
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

04 Sep 2005, 03:40 #7

Sometimes a person will pull his or her own membership because of our structure, at other times we have pulled posting privileges of members because they were trying to shape Freedom's style into one that was more relaxed and social and better fitting their current state of being. Such actions though will weaken the level of focus that we keep at Freedom and we believe that level of focus is more important than the enjoyment of any particular person or even groups of people. So there are times when a person is no longer a member and thus cannot respond to a request for information. If a person is no longer a member it may mean many things and there is no way to know for sure. Even at times when we know the status of an individual the managers won't divulge that information unless that member or past member expressly tells us that they want us to pass along his or her information. In summary, it is impossible to know for sure the status of a person who is not posting. When it comes down to it though, the only one person any member should be focusing on is himself or herself. The people who any member should be giving assistance to or looking to support are people who are expressly asking for such help. Put all available time you have into securing your own quit and put any extra time you have at the site into helping our new members or even a longer-term member who is asking for help. As I said, it is impossible to know for sure the status of a person who is not posting. The only thing that you can know for sure though is that your quit will stay strong and secure whether you are a member or not, or, whether you ever post or not just as long as you always remember to stick to the commitment you made to yourself to never take another puff!
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Joel
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

13 Sep 2005, 07:14 #8

I saw an incident where one member popped up a couple of posts of another longer term member who has not been here for a little over three months. I feel that it is necessary to point out that the same longer-term member once went six months without posting and another time went about another three month period. You can also tell from what he wrote in some of his previous posts that there are times that he does not even visit for months at a time.

Because of this there is a chance that he may not respond to the new post being that he may never see that they were elevated. I thought in lieu of this knowledge it seemed appropriate to repost the following comments:

From above:
From: Joel Sent: 1/15/2005 7:36 AM
I just saw a post from a member who was approaching her third year anniversary. We always like it when people have a chance to drop on in and say hello, even though we always make it clear that it is neither expected or required. I clicked on her posting history and the dates for her other previous posts were February of 2004, April of 2003 and December of 2002.

This example shows a great case in point of how if a member were to write "where is...insert name" on any given day on any given month, there is a good chance that the successful ex-smoker would not see the request and all assumptions would be that the person had relapsed.

I am using this one example to hit home the point that just because a person may not be posting no one should assume that he or she is smoking. I am not using this example in any way to make this successful member or any successful member feel that he or she should be posting more. Yes a long-term member is free to post as much as he or she would like as his or her time permits, but no individual member should is in any way feel pressured to post. The only pressure we wish to exert on our members is to take a little time to stop by and read to help further secure even long term quits.

The string No need to apologize also addresses this very issue. As that string says:
We know not everyone has time to stop by and write everyday. Some people don't have time to write every week or even every month. But do try to find the time to stop by and read every once in a while. Taking a few minutes to read can help to secure your quit. Securing your quit can help to buy you years and maybe even decades of extra time of a healthier and higher quality life. Make a point of stopping by every now and then to to read and strengthen your commitment and resolve to never take another puff! Joel


Last edited by Joel on 19 Apr 2010, 18:54, edited 1 time in total.
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Joel
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

10 Oct 2005, 18:47 #9

Image I meant to pop this one up last week when a new member asked that his or her membership be removed. It was not because he or she had relapsed, but more so because of our operational style.

As it says above:

Sometimes a person will pull his or her own membership because of our structure, at other times we have pulled posting privileges of members because they were trying to shape Freedom's style into one that was more relaxed and social and better fitting their current state of being. Such actions though will weaken the level of focus that we keep at Freedom and we believe that level of focus is more important than the enjoyment of any particular person or even groups of people. So there are times when a person is no longer a member and thus cannot respond to a request for information. If a person is no longer a member it may mean many things and there is no way to know for sure. Even at times when we know the status of an individual the managers won't divulge that information unless that member or past member expressly tells us that they want us to pass along his or her information. In summary, it is impossible to know for sure the status of a person who is not posting. When it comes down to it though, the only one person any member should be focusing on is himself or herself. The people who any member should be giving assistance to or looking to support are people who are expressly asking for such help. Put all available time you have into securing your own quit and put any extra time you have at the site into helping our new members or even a longer-term member who is asking for help. As I said, it is impossible to know for sure the status of a person who is not posting. The only thing that you can know for sure though is that your quit will stay strong and secure whether you are a member or not, or, whether you ever post or not just as long as you always remember to stick to the commitment you made to yourself to never take another puff!
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John (Gold)
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

14 Jan 2006, 22:14 #10

This forum's tremendous focus and structure isn't for everyone and we know that. We had a member terminate their membership yesterday and another who had joined a couple of years back, relapsed and had posted in violation of the forum's relapse policy.

Although we can and do enforce Freedom's relapse policy we can only guess at the status of most members who depart the group. Although it may hurt to think they may have relapsed we can all take comfort in the fact that it's almost impossible for any new arrival to leave Freedom without an appreciation for the law of addiction.

Just one day at a time, Never Take Another Puff!

John (Gold x6)
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