Days I just wanted to Die

Melissa777 Gold

July 15th, 2003, 10:34 am#1


I was laying in bed this am thinking about life in general.
I do that a lot now because there is no rush to get up and get a fix.

I thought about a lot of things and just before I got up it dawned on me that smoking was not one of my first thoughts as a matter of fact it only came to mind when I was thinking about all the really bad stuff I have been through in life.

There were days early in my quit that I just wanted to die.
Death seemed a better option then what I was feeling trying to quit.

I remember being on the bathroom floor crying so hard I was gagging (smoking realted) I never gag anymore.
Why the Bathroom floor you may ask, I have no earthly idea.

I mean it could have just as easily been the bed or a chair, but I was just losing it and nothing I did or said was making much sense.

My husband got on his knees and said "what can I do to help"? I used words he was not accustomed to hearing from me and told him I needed to smoke and that I couldn't do it.
I repeated over and over "I just cannot do this".
I didn't realize until much later that while I was saying I just cannot do this... I was doing it! I was getting through what ever life threw my way.
It wasn't necessarily the best way I can think of to handle emotions, but I was new to it at the time and did the best I could.

I was new to not smoking when things got hard and putting aside what ever the problem was until I smoked two or three.

Simple everyday life things came at me when I first quit and I felt overwhelmed. I mean my car needed work and they actually wanted me to wait while they fixed it! I couldn't see doing that ...didn't they know I couldn't smoke while I waited? that I didn't know how to wait and not smoke?
It felt like the world would end that day.

It didn't though, I got something to drink and looked around at things I didn't notice much before like the beauty of the sky, the trees flowing in the wind, Flowers in bloom, birds
chirping. I guess that was all clouded before by all that smoke I so blindly sat in thinking I had it all together.

I look back on all of it and there were 100's of times I said
"I cannot do this"
100's of times I said"I am just going to smoke this too hard"
100's of times I said this isn't the right time and got in my car to go buy a pack.
AND 100's of times I got through each temptation each so called crave some I really believe were just thoughts.
100's of times I got out of the car realizing that smoking was not the answer and that I already had everything I needed inside me to deal with life and in my house in my husband and children.

I hated the fact hat I had even tried to quit because now people expected me not to smoke.
They looked forward to a healthier me.
My logic was if I had not tried to quit I could still smoke with out letting anyone down. I hated my own Quit I hated that I had ever tried to quit at all! I believed I was in prison and smokers were free.

I began to think dying from lung cancer would be better then feeling as bad a s I was. How utterly stupid! SO Pathetic!
I am embarrassed to say I thought that way.
That thinking now makes me laugh and cringe too, I cannot believe I thought that way and actually tried to make logical arguments out of junkie thinking. I actually got mad when anyone said my arguments made no sense.
I no longer have those kinds of thoughts at all.

I resented people in my life enjoying anything. I would see my husband sit down and act like he enjoyed drinking his coffee and I would just steam inside, because I didn't feel I had anything left to enjoy. He Wanted me to stay quit, but he could sit there doing all the same things he had always done while I had top relearn everything.
I just resented it, because at the time there was nothing I enjoyed I even hated eating because I didn't know what to do with myself after I was done.
Now I just feel full like everyone else when I am done eating and I am not looking for anything else to do.
The act of eating for me now is complete when the meal is done. seems simple enough and the way it was always meant to be.

I hated waking up because it meant doing things different then I could ever remember doing. I actually ate breakfast instead of smoking for my morning meal.
I hated soda because I associated that with smoking.

It seemed all the things that once made me happy I now disliked. I hurt inside daily for a while like someone had died... I mean down to my soul deep, deep, pain. I had no clue who I was now or how to live my life.
I mean I cried! For Me crying was rare.
It took something like death or serious illness of a loved one to make me shed a tear before.
I was not a sensitive type of female at all.
Here I was now crying if someone looked at me wrong.
I felt silly too, I felt like I must look funny doing this instead of smoking. I thought smoking made me look cool like I was deep in thought even when I wasn't.
I thought it masked pain so I just appeared unshaken to whom ever was around.

I found out later that most of family saw me as not very strong at all because I needed that crutch to deal with everything even shopping. I also found out that my pain was never masked they saw right through it all.

I was never this cool tuff girl I had created in my own head to them just and addict who smoked to deal with life and they saw long before I did that it never solved anything.

It was horrible at times and really hard to do, the hardest thing I have ever done in fact. At the same time it is by far one of the biggest, best, and most important accoplishments in my life.

I love soda, and all other foods probably to much now,
more than I ever did smoking. I am no longer resentful toward other people because they are enjoying things in life, because I am enjoying those things with them.

Waking up is only hard for me now when I didn't get enough sleep. I do not wake up feeling like anything is missing.

I am no longer plagued with thoughts of smoking, not smoking, how hard it is or isn't, anything else smoking related.
II think my days are just normal days now.

I get through my day and smoking doesn't cross my mind.
Neither does the fact that I am not smoking.
I just live life the same way everyone else does.

I am not saying that smoking or the fact that I used to do it doesn't enter my mind. I wouldn't be here today if it didn't.
But it crosses my mind in a very different way now.
I want others to know it can be done no matter how hard and impossible it seems at first. I think about all the help I got here and want to give back. I have regrets now, but it is not that I quit.. It is that I ever started.
I also hope I didn't do irreversible damage.
those are my thoughts now.

I know I never needed it. I know life is livable, enjoyable, and doable without them. My life is better! I am serious.
I am not just saying that, it is real.
Just how much better I feel physically alone is worth every minute I suffered in the beginning. Not to mention all the other benifits. If you stick it out, you will be here listing all the ways your life has improved just hoping someone will believe what you say so that they also stick it out.

I could have given in, but had I done that, I would never know the comfort I know now, the health, the happiness and the peace. There is an elation that comes with no longer being a prisoner to something that is killing you.
If I had given in I would still be smoking my life away believing freedom is unobtainable and continuing to poison myself until early death came my way.

Stick it out! It gets better! As bad as it gets trying to quit, being terminally ill would be much worse.
Tobacco companies have had enough of your money, they are filthy rich while they rob you of not only your money but your health and ultimately your life.
Use your lungs for breathing air the way they were meant to be used and watch and see how much better life will get.

Smoking is something I no longer choose to do. It no longer has a hold on me. I am no longer it's prisoner.
I am not consumed by thoughts of it.
I believed what was said here "IT GETS BETTER" I hung on to those words, fought through it, and you know what they were right.
So much better! It is only better because I stuck it out and never took another puff!
Days of just wanting to die are now over I have peace and want to live a long life and watch my kid grow.
I hope this helps anyone here struggling.
I was blessed enough with the People here helping see light in total darkness and lies in my head and I just want to help where I can now that I am in the light of truth.
Melissa nine months free tomorrow

Roger (Gold)

July 15th, 2003, 11:37 am#2


Welcome to the world of an educated & comfortable x-smoker who sees addiction through entirely different eyes. Welcome to life as it was meant to be when we were granted our first breath of fresh clean air.


OBob Gold

July 15th, 2003, 12:00 pm#3

Awesome, classic post, Melissa! One that I have no doubt will help many into the future.


Bob (18 months free)

GrumpyOMrsS (Gold)

July 15th, 2003, 12:20 pm#4

Hi Melissa,

What a nice post to read before signing off for the day. Congratulations on 9 months of Freedom. I can only tell you that as good as you feel now, it only gets better and better.

You words will help our newer member see that those first few days and weeks of withdrawal are only temporary and our comfort increases and grows with each day as long as we remember to never take another puff.

3 and a half years free


July 15th, 2003, 12:41 pm#5

Hi Melissa!! Thank you for your awesome post!!! I know I can truly relate to your post and I am sure I am not alone. Your thoughts are powerful and show your struggles. Your thoughts are my thoughts. I have felt much the same and I know that life is truly better without having an addiction to deal with. It just takes time to get it all out of our systems I think. ( mentally I mean ) I am feeling great and I really mean it. It really does get better. I have moments and setbacks but I know that day will come when I will just see life for what it is. Life. No need to escape and that time is now for me and it is bringing me into the future one day at a time without a single puff!! Thank you Melissa!!! YQS Lena 7 months 10 days!!

Jim Gold

July 15th, 2003, 1:23 pm#6

Hi Melissa!

Congratulations on 9 Months Free!!

Quitting is a simple but sometimes tough row-to-hoe.

In the long run, not smoking is the better choice because it is a less complicated and less cluttered way of living. Complications and clutter cloud our minds and existence and, at times, can make it difficult to see the truth of life itself.

Always remember your past life as a smoker.

NEVER forget the negative aspects of living a smoker's life. NEVER forget how it was to run out of smokes late at night. NEVER forget standing in line at the convenience store or gas station to spend your hard earned $money$ to buy a DRUG. NEVER forget the looks and stares of non-smokers while you stood outside puffing away to build up your blood-serum nicotine levels so that you could feel "normal" and continue with your day-to-day business.

ALWAYS remember your past smoker's life and EVERY DAY compare it to your current x-smoker's life. Isn't TODAY better than yesterday? Of course it is! And every day hereafter gets better too!
One Day at a Time

Smoke-free ROCKS!

15 months


July 15th, 2003, 2:14 pm#7

Hi melissa
Well done for reaching nine months,thats the same as the time we spend in the womb and you are born again,the story of your journey is incredible and inspirational.
Rickdabler 4 months 6 days 3hrs 10mins happily nicotine free.


July 15th, 2003, 6:53 pm#8

Hi Melissa,
I also hung on to the words "It Get's Better" and it sure does. Nine months for me to Hon.
I have been quit for 9 Months, 2 Days, 7 hours, 53 minutes and 21 seconds (275 days). I have saved $1,927.29 by not smoking 11,013 cigarettes. I have saved 1 Month, 1 Week, 5 hours and 45 minutes of my life.
Last edited by CookiesGold on March 8th, 2009, 12:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

marty (gold)

July 15th, 2003, 7:07 pm#9

Terrific post, Melissa
It's strange that the men seem to make those reflective, thoughtful posts after twelve months, and the women make them after nine months I wonder why that would be ?
Recalling the way we used to think and act in those early weeks is a chastening experience indeed. But it's a worthwhile exercise for two reasons. First, it shows us how far we've come, and reminds us that we never want to go back there ! And second, it's a huge help to our newbies who maybe still believe that quitting will always be the burden it is in the early weeks.
Thanks for taking the trouble to make such an inspiring post.
NOT A PUFF for two years, seven months, two weeks, : 17221 cigarettes not smoked, saving $6,027.30: Life saved: 8 weeks, 3 days
Last edited by marty (gold) on March 8th, 2009, 12:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

John (Gold)

July 15th, 2003, 7:27 pm#10

Thank you soooooo much for all the memories, Melissa. Been there, done that, and now I'm "me" again! I join Linda in confidently assuring you that the richness of blending comfortably back into life and humanity will only increase in the months and years to come. This is an amazing journey of adjustment. What I find amazing is that you made new arrivals constantly "think" about smoking for the few minutes you held their attention and I'll bet that never once did they "want" to smoke nicotine.
It's something that new arrivals simply can't comprehend. If they could climb inside the minds of each long term quitter and stay as they typed their words of wisdom, learning and encouragement to new arrivals, they'd be utterly shocked at the calmness they'd find and the total absence of "wanting" to smoke. When I tell quitters that I have not had a conscious "thought" of "wanting" to smoke for over at least year and a half they must think me dishonest. "How could that be?" "Impossible", they say, but true none the less.

It isn't that way for all but I've had a rather intense cessation history and like you and so many others here I took this journey to heart. I love being free. I figure that being here and working our way through all the different alleged reasons for want ( friend, boredom, like, love, taste, smell) while putting each under honest light, has left many here with little or nothing to romanticize about. I figure that unlike normal quitters, who don't invest so much thought exploring the very roots of their addiction history, many here will soon run out of reasons to cling to the lies that you did a great job exposing.
Be proud of you Melissa! A wonderful wonderful post! You've come far yet in many ways your wonderful journey is just beginning.

Breathe deep, hug hard, live long!

Last edited by John (Gold) on March 8th, 2009, 12:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.


July 15th, 2003, 7:50 pm#11

Wow! What a great post to read this morning after having had a really rough time of it yesterday! Just a couple days ago I turned green and was feeling great and then boom.....yesterday I had my first serious thoughts of smoking again! Some of those thoughts were just what you were thinking early in your come I don't get to enjoy something like everyone else? Why do I have to give something up but my husband doesn't have to (he's never smoked)...Of course these are silly, but it's nice to know that someone who has had them can move so far past them!
Congrats on your success and thanks so very much for sharing!
Free from nicotine: 1 Month 1 Day 23 Hours 16 Minutes 57 Seconds
Last edited by wagongirl on March 8th, 2009, 12:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

SweetLorraine (Gold)

July 15th, 2003, 8:59 pm#12

Terrific post Melissa, thank you for takng the time to share your thoughts and inspire others.
Your descriptions of the pain of quitting was so intense and accurate that it reminded me that I never, ever, want to go through that again.
Even as good as your quit feels now, it gets even better. What an amazing transformation takes place when we truly find Freedom.
Lorraine Gold club
Last edited by SweetLorraine (Gold) on March 8th, 2009, 12:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Shinelady Gold3282003

July 15th, 2003, 9:21 pm#13

Thanks Melissa
Thank you for sharing your own experiences with us. I know this classic post will help many newbies and oldbies alike for a long time to come. Can hardly wait to read your Gold post in a few short months. Again, thanks. We are doing it. All we have to do is Never Take Another Puff!!

yqs, sue (bronze)
Three months, two weeks, two days, 14 hours, 44 minutes and 43 seconds. 4344 cigarettes not smoked, saving $627.55. Life saved: 2 weeks, 1 day, 2 hours, 0 minutes.


July 15th, 2003, 9:35 pm#14


This was a wonderful post to read. Encouraging, truthful, empowering.

One month, four weeks, 21 hours, 43 minutes and 28 seconds. 1198 cigarettes not smoked, saving $371.41. Life saved: 4 days, 3 hours, 50 minutes.

Parker GOLD

July 15th, 2003, 9:46 pm#15

What an astounding post, Melissa. Very empowering in its gut-wrenching honesty. Brings to mind the Santayana quote: "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it." You are keeping those early days fresh and that is so important. Thank you for sharing powerful and inspiring memories.

And here's to never living through withdrawal again!!!!!!!!!!!

Parker - 13 months


July 15th, 2003, 10:08 pm#16

I love this heart felt post! I'm sending it to my daughter to read, she sill smokes and has expressed the same things you share here. Maybe someday something will hit that she can relate to and she'll join us here. She already talked to Joel but I don't think she's got enought gutts yet. But she will read it, so thanks!
One year, two months, one week, four days, 3 hours, 53 minutes and 51 seconds. 34972 cigarettes not smoked, saving $209,837.67. Life saved: 17 weeks, 2 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes.


July 15th, 2003, 10:32 pm#17

Great post Melissa. Your observations of how you tried to make rational explanations for the totally irrational excuses people use in order to sustain smoking is classic. This is why it is often hard to try to have a rational conversation with a smoker who has no interest in quitting--their addiction has built in defense mechanisms making logical insights difficult to get across.
Here are a few strings that explore this process. I thought you would appreciate them:
"what a relief, I think I have cancer!"
I smoke because I'm self-destructive
you smoke because you're a smoke-a-holic!
I am glad you articulated your thoughts as clearly as you did illustrating this process. I want to point out that while the intensity of the feelings that you were experiencing was not uncommon, meaning there are some people who feel as desperate during the quitting process as you had felt, that there are also some people who quit with relative ease. Both reactions are normal.
I didn't want to scare people off who were just considering quitting who might not even try because the process seemed as if it would be too painful. Most people are not debilitated during the quitting process. But your insights go on to point out that even for people who do face more extreme reactions, it is still worth all of the time and effort and discomfort that went along with quitting--for the payoff is both great and life saving. To make all of the troubles that you initially went through worth the effort is as simple now as sticking to your commitment to never take another puff!
Last edited by Joel on April 16th, 2009, 6:19 am, edited 1 time in total.


July 16th, 2003, 1:32 am#18

Wow, Melissa, thanks for writing such a real message. Beautiful, really. I take great comfort and inspiration from it ... and I know many, many more will read it with gratitude.
Again, thank you.

Three months, one week, one day, 14 hours, 46 minutes and 44 seconds. 1992 cigarettes not smoked, saving $373.56. Life saved: 6 days, 22 hours, 0 minutes.

aj 48

July 16th, 2003, 1:34 am#19

All I have to say is... WOW! Thank-you for sharing this with us!
2days 1hr!3months

Ms MonaGolden1

July 16th, 2003, 7:06 am#20

Congratulations Melissa!

Thank you for sharing such heart-felt memories. I am sure that everyone can relate to some part of your experience. Just think, you will be Gold in no time at all.

I wish you all the best as you move onward and upward on your Quit Journey.

YQS (6M,1W,6D)
Last edited by Ms MonaGolden1 on March 8th, 2009, 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

GeorgieGirl GOLD

July 16th, 2003, 12:16 pm#21

Hi Melissa. Just got back from a wedding inter-state, back at work today and just logged on, read your post .... yes - wow. I got goosebumps all over me and my heart felt for you ... REALLY felt for you .... because I know exactly how you were feeling. As I read your story I just saw myself in so much of it. Thanks so much for sharing this part of your journey ..... Thank god we found ourselves huh? Finally there is light at the end of the dark tunnel .
Last edited by GeorgieGirl GOLD on April 16th, 2009, 6:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

Melissa777 Gold

July 17th, 2003, 2:33 am#22

I loved reading all of your responses to my thoughts.
I knew that some would relate to one thing or another the hard time in the beginning or the rewards and peace that come after... or both.
I do realize that some have an easier time than others in the endeavor of breaking free. I just thought I would share mine to basically say that even though it was the hardest thing ever I stuck it out and feel much better no both physically and meantally.
What we are doing is and awesome and at time very challenging thing. It should be celebrated.
I cannot think of a more important thing one can do for them selves.
We are choosing life over death
we are choosing air over poison
we are choosing health over sickness
we are choosing to be strong and face what we have already done to ourselves while refusing to do anymore damage.
we are choosing freedom over imprisonment.
We are choosing to finally live and not just exist from one fix to the next.
Thank you all for reading and letting me share here in this wonderful place called freedom.
What a great Name! FREEDOM so appropriate ;-)
melissa at nine months

Suekickbutt (GOLD)

July 17th, 2003, 2:31 pm#23

Wow Melissa!

I haven't logged on for literally weeks, and yours is the first post I read. It is so beautiful, and you have a real talent in putting your thoughts and feelings together.

I am not focussed on smoking/not smoking anymore, but I AM focussed on the fantastic things that come out of not smoking. I am actually going in a 14km running marathon in a few weeks. Now I was the laziest unfittest slob 14 months ago and couldn't run 10 metres without crying and wheezing, and now I can run 14 km WITHOUT STOPPING!!!! The benefits of not smoking are unbelievable and it just gets better.

Congatulations on your achievements, especially your inner peace!


I have kicked butt for 1 Year 1 Month 3 Weeks 4 Days 23 Hours 26 Minutes 28 Seconds. Cigarettes not smoked: 12659. Money saved: A$3,797.79.


July 17th, 2003, 9:19 pm#24

I cried. I cried for NO reason at all. I cried because my brother didn't get me a beer. I cried on the 4th of July because I was too hot. I cried because my boyfriend didn't call me back within an hour - I literally thought my world was falling apart. Oddly enough, I never wanted a cig while I was having crying fits, I just kept crying. I felt like a complete basket case and I knew I needed help because it was beginning to effect my professional life as well.

I took a different path - I went to see my Doctor and got Zyban. It has helped IMMENSELY! I take a 1/2 dose (150mg) and my mood is back to normal (I am a pretty relaxed person). Many people feel as if Zyban does not help them or it makes them have side effects (I am fortunate and have not experienced any). Also, many people on the message board mentioned that it made them feel "light headed" or "out of it". I have not had that experience either. If you have the option, I urge you to speak to your Doctor to see if it is right for you. It is worth a try if you have that option!



I have been a non-smoker for 2 Weeks, 2 Days, 22 hours, 11 minutes and 50 seconds (16 days). I have saved $31.38 by not smoking 236 cigarettes. I have saved 19 hours and 40 minutes of my life.


July 19th, 2003, 12:40 am#25

Thank-you Melissa!
Truly inspirational! I sure can relate to the tough times and can't wait for "times to get better" but I too believe what you oldbies are telling us that it does get better!

Free for 3 months, 1 week and 4 days