ChristyMay1977
ChristyMay1977

April 23rd, 2005, 11:11 am #51

Lo,

You pose an interesting question:

"what does a nice girl whose only rebel-vice was smoking -- do for fun?"

This is also my problem (I too am generally a nice girl)... I tend to do strange things when I'm bored... Dye my hair funny colours, find myself getting new tattoos...ended up with a new piercing recently. Ha ha

But seriously, I think that it's all a part of growing into our identity as non-smokers. I am almost 28 now and I started smoking when I was 13, (except for the 9 month hiatis I had from smoking last year) I figure the whole time I was growing up and discovering who I was as a person I was a smoker. Now that I have promised to NTAP, am I supposed to find myself a whole new identity... what am I like as a non-smoker? Hmmmm... as of yet, I am discovering that a part of myself (of my identity)was not actually ripped away from me when I gave up smoking, I am still me, I just smell better and I have a little more money to play with that's all, and that's not a bad thing!!

So what does a girl do without her rebel-vice? ~ Develop a Shoe Fetish and go shopping -- Get crazy, rebellious shoes!!!

Kisses,
Christy xx

I have been quit for 1 Week, 4 Days, 1 hour, 8 minutes and 24 seconds (11 days). I have saved $49.04 by not smoking 132 cigarettes. I have saved 11 hours of my life. My Quit Date: 2005-04-11 10:00 PM
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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

April 23rd, 2005, 11:49 pm #52

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Jmschaldach2
Jmschaldach2

April 24th, 2005, 4:23 am #53

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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

April 25th, 2005, 10:14 pm #54

Well, this diary is turning out to be a fine mess. First, I delete like three posts in the beginning... which means people have to scroll down to even see the first message (and, on top of that, my user name doesn't show on the thread list). And now, everything is all out order and confusing.

The neat freak in me is having a conniption.


But it's day 25... so I guess that's a bright spot.
Am feeling really good. Getting my bearings. Beginning to feel like a real ex-smoker. This weekend I experienced a stressful encounter with some friends... a real trigger for me. And I didn't give in to the temptation. The odd thing is that the CRAVE was really strong... but intellectually I knew that I didn't REALLY want what I was craving. It was a bizarre first for me. Sitting there, really feeling that crave. It almost felt like an out-of-body experience.

On top of that, yesterday DH and I found out what it's like to have a fight and REALLY talk it out and deal with our feelings instead of escaping into the nicotene fog. That was a big one. I almost felt giddy afterwards, realizing how much more productively we handled our disagreements.

DH is leaving on a business trip this week. Three days. I'm psyching myself up for the challenge of it all. It used to be that when he left on business, I'd either go out with friends (inevitably for dinner and cigarettes) or hole up at home with a glass of wine, my smokes, and a good book. I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm alone -- and it's a tough time for me to keep from smoking. So, I'm bearing down and getting ready mentally. I'm sure this isn't the first you'll hear of it -- so I'll leave it at that for now.


Am having an overwhelming Monday morning... I'm tired and there's too much going on here at work. On top of everything, this week is filled with work for school (a big paper, a quiz), so my brain is beginning to feel fried. Am clutching my little cup of joe and hanging on for dear life...

lo
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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

April 25th, 2005, 10:29 pm #55

Hey Christy -
Yes, dying hair has always been one of my favorite pastimes too... I wonder if the ex-smoker in me will follow suit! As for the shoe fetish... well, we'll see if my pocketbook can handle that one. I'm definitely saving money by NOT smoking. But it's not as much as I'd hoped!

As for rediscovering me -- I think, for the most part, I agree that nothing was RIPPED AWAY. But in some ways, I feel like something REALLY IMPORTANT has changed. Some part of me that was holding onto childhood, clinging to the illusion of immortality, denying that anything bad could come of smoking. And that part of me has been expunged. THe new me is living in a more REAL place. And that's a bit of an adjustment. I still have to stop every now and again and think about what a miracle it is that I'm standing here, now, without a cigarette in my hand.

It's terribly cool in a lot of ways. But also terrifying.
I know you know what I mean

Sending you tons of good vibes -- and eagerly awaiting taking this journey with you!


lo
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JoeJFree Gold
JoeJFree Gold

April 25th, 2005, 10:59 pm #56

Morning Lo,

Just a real quick note. So, when the cat was away the smoking mouse used to play?

Well, you can still play, just don't smoke! Sounds too simple? Sound kinda, well duh Joe!?

What I mean is, go for a walk, go to a movie, go to the library to do research for your paper, go to the book store and look for something inspirational, whatever will start a new and different behavior pattern...etc. Change your surroundings, change your trigger patterns. Doing something a little unfamiliar right now is actually a big help.

Oh, and I can appreciate you using the word expunged, much mo better than repress!
Change your thinking and you can change your life. I gave this to another Freedom pal a while ago, hope it can help to cheer you a bit today too.
You gotta believe, you will achieve.
As this little fellow sang,
You Gotta Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Negative,
Latch Onto the Affirmative, Don't Mess with Mister In-Between!
joejFree - Nicotine Free and Healing for Three Months, Fifteen Days and 46 Minutes, Reclaiming 9 Days and 2 Hours
2626 nicotine delivery devices not used - $520.84 retained earnings.
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Jmschaldach2
Jmschaldach2

April 25th, 2005, 11:15 pm #57

lo-

I'm sorry about the mess above--that's my fault. The untidyness does bring up an important issue though. I think as a smoker I used smoking to mask the moments in life that were untidy or beyond our control. When I would fight with my s/o I would head for the porch to smoke. When the news on the radio just seemed too aweful I'd light up. When I would mess something up at work I would reach for a butt, and so on. Lifes' moments that weren't neat and orderly were always remediable with a smoke. I now see what incredible avoidance this was. Eliminate the denial and you are forced to deal. In the end we arrive at the giddiness you described after your tiff with your DH. What a vastly better outcome than pushing issues down, covering them up with a smoke, and leaving them to fester only to come out in some other (often times inappropriate) way later on.

Don't forget lo, you have succesfully quit smoking. This is a monumental accomplishment. If you can do that, you can do pretty much anything. Papers, work, quizzes--piece of cake in comparison don't you think?

One other thing--don't sweat being editted because when they accept that manuscript they are going to probably edit it to pieces, so get used to it. : )

yqb--John
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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

April 25th, 2005, 11:39 pm #58

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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

April 27th, 2005, 1:38 am #59

Joe -
Yeah - this mouse is gonna have to think of some new games. I'm not sure how tough it really will be... but part of me is eager to find out.

I'm half enjoying the challenges of this quit. The idea of facing big triggers head-on has a really bizarre, morbid appeal. And so when I see one coming at a distance, I get butterflies in my gut -- part of it is fear in facing something new; the other part is excitement, knowing that I'll find some way to get through it.

And hey - Jiminy is a little bit too cheerful for my tastes. But I can appreciate his good grammar and affinity for high language, even when he's singing a cheesy little Disney tune!!



And John -
The untidyness issue is a good point.
It really is coming to a head how much of a control freak I really am. Everything I couldn't control BEFORE, I dealt with by smoking (DH's behavior, my own feelings, the world). These days, I find that there's a distinct connection between my cravings for nicotene and those moments when I feel as if I'm helpless. THings are messy and I can't fix them. It's pretty profound.

lo
30 going on 25...
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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

April 27th, 2005, 1:45 am #60

Just recording a bit of what I'm feeling here on day 27.
Am freaking out a little bit, thinking about how I've nearly made it an entire month without a fix. It's pretty incredible, really.

Most things are going on as they have been. I feel as if I'm doing well. But triggers still hit unexpectedly. The past day or two have been rough -- and I've been reaching out in a lot of directions for things that will just help me get through... reading, posting, emailing friends. I've found that the craves last longer and hit harder these days. I read that that's a good sign -- it means my body is really adjusting to life WITHOUT the nicotene. But it's also a little disturbing. I'm finding that retaining any level of patience is getting to be more difficult. My impatience for reaching a real comfort level with my quit is beginning to get annoying. So, I guess it's time to do some more reading.

Am gearing up for the next three days... time alone to think and reflect. I need to overcome the fear of being alone at some point anyhow -- so I might as well tackle it now.

lo
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TiffQuit
TiffQuit

April 27th, 2005, 3:12 am #61

Hi, Lo.

You're not alone. I had lots of issues with Patience during the first 4-6 weeks of my quit. I know it's not uncommon to be tired of smoking and then become tired of quitting. My journal is full of my complaining about "isn't it over yet" feelings. Sometimes you have to just grit your teeth and barrel through it.

It's so worth the effort. Hang in there. It will get better!

yqf,
Tiff
day 89 or so (being at work means no quit meter)
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IrishLotus GOLD
IrishLotus GOLD

April 27th, 2005, 3:14 am #62

Have you read this one? Patience Annoying I know, but necessary. It may sound strange, but once you get pass this initial striggle for FREEDOM, you may even miss it. You'll be at the comfort stage eveyone talks about and you'll find youself wishing you had something to push against again. Strange but true. The grass is always greener for us addicts, you know?

Speaking of GREENer...I think you have an impending milestone you may be able to focus on, don't you?

YQS~Lotus

Free and very gratefully healing 2 Years, 7 Months, 2 Days, 13 Hours and 14 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 98 Days and 11 Hours, by avoiding the use of 28367 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $7,374.48.
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IrishLotus GOLD
IrishLotus GOLD

April 27th, 2005, 3:22 am #63

That should have read "...past this initial struggle..." you get my point MK
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Starshinegrl Gold
Starshinegrl Gold

April 27th, 2005, 3:41 am #64

Hi lo,
Tiff and Lotus have already said it: patience and attitude can really make all the difference. Why the rush?

You also wrote that you are afraid of being alone ... you know what? I used to think that I wouldn't be able to sit down in my rocking chair with a good book ... guess what?? Of course I can and you can, too. You can do whatever you want to do.
Gitte
151 days and a bit
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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

April 27th, 2005, 4:36 am #65

Thanks for all the reminders, guys.
I've got Patience in my back pocket, and I'm going to read and reread. It's a good one. I'd skimmed it before, but I'm really READING it now.
Why the rush? you ask, Gitte.

I understand why I don't NEED to rush. But, gosh -- what I wouldn't give to be 6 months in right about now. I've never been the most patient person -- and this has been a test. The positive thing is that I can feel bigger changes than just those directly related to the nicotene. My personality is growing, changing. In the end I might even find myself a more patient soul. And THAT would be incredible.

Maybe it's weird to do it, but I feel like I need to quote something I said a few days ago -- just to remind myself of it:
The idea of facing big triggers head-on has a really bizarre, morbid appeal. And so when I see one coming at a distance, I get butterflies in my gut -- part of it is fear in facing something new; the other part is excitement, knowing that I'll find some way to get through it.
Liking the challenge of the quit is a reality for me -- so maybe that's a reason right there not to be so impatient. The struggle is part of the journey -- and it does tend to give me a bit of motivation.



Focusing on the milestone... um, er.
To be honest, I haven't been focusing there. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm not caring so much about that one-month mark. Not sure why. I might have to give that some thought.

lo
contemplating what it really means to be a 27-day quitter.
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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

April 27th, 2005, 5:00 am #66

Or a 26-day quitter, as it were.

Gosh...
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CMondragon21170
CMondragon21170

April 27th, 2005, 5:20 am #67

Hi Lo!! (I just had to type that-in my head, it was pretty funny.) Anyway, I had started reading this thread a while back, when you first joined, but I didn't post.

I just finished the whole thread. And this sounded so familiar (a lot of stuff actually did, but this part is huge to me)

I've never been the most patient person -- and this has been a test. The positive thing is that I can feel bigger changes than just those directly related to the nicotene. My personality is growing, changing. In the end I might even find myself a more patient soul. And THAT would be incredible.

If you think in terms of instant gratification, you will realize that most of us as smokers had very little patience. I had zero patience as a smoker-but surprisingly after I quit smoking, I felt a shift in my personality, I moved into a realm of patience, and quiet. It didn't happen overnight, but it happened. Most of my impatient ways revolved around "when will this feeling end?" "when will I stop having thoughts about the old smoking me?" "when will I really be free?"

The truth is I was free all along, from the very moment I decided I would not smoke anymore-but I was so busy behaving impatiently I didn't even notice! Once that thought hit me (and it hit pretty hard) everything else fell into place. I was no longer annoyed, I no longer felt like I was waiting for anything. I was just "being", and I was comfortable w/ that.

Sorry this was so long, but there are a lot more people who know that feeling you describe about patience. Sometimes it helps to know that it's not "just you".

Chevet' - Free and Healing for Eight Months, Five Days, 20 Hours and 36 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 69 Days and 9 Hours, by avoiding the use of 4997 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $1,325.32.
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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

April 28th, 2005, 1:41 am #68

Mmm. Instant gratification.

You know, that has gotten me thinking about my behaviors over the past couple of years...
When I first began smoking, I don't think I did it for the instant gratification factor. I'm sure that as my addiction developed, the gratification factor became part of it -- since I needed to feed my addiction. However, I'm not sure that the need for gratification really started to feed into my other life activities until more recently.

It started to become apparent to me probably 3-4 years ago that I was feeling "more selfish" about things. I wanted what I wanted -- and I wanted it NOW. I could usually fight the feelings, and I generally tried to since it made it a heckofa lot easier to deal with other people But the feeling that I was a bad person just wouldn't go away.

Now that I've started to realize that PATIENCE is such a huge aspect of my quit, I've also begun to recognize that I don't expect everything instantly anymore... and I've started (at least preliminarily) to stop thinking of only MYSELF in every situation.

As I've said a few times already, this quit is about more than ditching an addiction -- it's about growing up and expanding my personality for the good. And yet, every day I'm amazed at how true that really is.

Cheers to developing patience and ditching the SELFISH MONKEY along with it!!

lo
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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

April 29th, 2005, 2:06 am #69

Something really interesting happened to me last night.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine, who I've known since high school. And we got on the topic of what was new in each other's lives. Of course, I had to mention the fact that I'd stopped smoking.

It was really odd to hear the pause in my friend's voice as he said to me: "I didn't know you smoked. When did you start smoking?"

Oh. Apparently he didn't know. My brain could hardly process it.

And then it occurred to me -- OF COURSE he didn't know. He didn't smoke. So, I didn't smoke when I was with him. He also didn't hang out with my other circles of friends, among whom there were smokers, so we never hung out together while I was smoking socially.

The fact that he was SHOCKED to learn that I had been a smoker... brought forth an entirely new flood of emotion for me. It was flattering, in a way, to think that someone who knew me fairly well didn't think of me as a smoker. But it also made me feel like a terrible person. How could I have never mentioned something that was so CRITICAL to my personality? It was my addiction, the bane of my existence... and I never shared it with him. What a crappy friend I was.

When I stopped to really THINK about it, it kind of illustrates a good point about a quit. You really AREN'T a different person when you quit. People who knew you BEFORE you quit will still know and like you AFTER you quit -- unless, for some reason, their affection for you was totally tied up in the fact that you smoked (talk about shallow!!!).

In other words -- smoking did NOT define you. Not at any juncture.
Addiction aside, it was just something that you did... like chewing gum or wearing a certain perfume. It didn't change WHO you were.

It didn't define me... gosh, that's liberating. And I don't think I genuinely realized it before, as crazy as that sounds.

WHat I do worry about is losing some of my smoking friends. My relationships with some grew up over coffee and cigarettes. And I'm not sure if they'll survive now that so much of the CLIMATE has changed. At least one of them has stopped calling (she used to call at least once a week)... I know it's got to be difficult. But I'm not sure how to move forward with a few of those people.
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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

May 2nd, 2005, 10:14 pm #70

... and today I'm here to celebrate being GREEN !!

As of yesterday, I've made it a full calendar month... and it really does feel good to be able to say that. I think one of the best things about it is that I had some doubts starting out that I'd actually make it this far. (not exactly something I'm proud of -- but it's true) This quit has been a thousand times easier than I ever thought that it would be. And it has brought with it growth that I never would have expected. I'm looking forward with great anticipation to my next milestones -- to double green, and bronze, and finally to gold and beyond.

One thing that hit me over the weekend is the fact that I also had some pretty unrealistic expectations for my quit when I began. I thought that everything would be turned on its end -- and that life would somehow TRANSFORM into something altogether different. I'm not DIFFERENT as a non-smoker. My life really isn't all that different either. The truth of the matter is, my transition from smoking to non-smoking hasn't been all that dramatic. My lung capacity hasn't quadrupled. My skin hasn't cleared up. And my life hasn't suddenly become perfect (all things, I think, that I expected). I think the drama queen inside of me is a little bit disappointed.

Now, that isn't to say that my quit has been ALL bad. But it's definitely been different from what I expected going in -- in both good ways and bad ways.

And that's the sort of thing that you notice at a milestone. So, I'm taking note.

Congrats to all of you who've made it this far with me. And a great big thanx to you for all of your help and support. I'm looking forward to the long and productive journey ahead of me...

lo
looking back on day 32.
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ElevenPinkFlowers
ElevenPinkFlowers

May 2nd, 2005, 10:32 pm #71

Hi "Drama Queen",

I know what you mean. I also expected miracles to happen: Like my skin would turn to silky smooth over night, my fitness level would double within two weeks, my mind would crave raw carrots because I am so reformed, aren't I ... Perhaps quitting is a bit boring sometimes, things take longer that you think or seem to get worse (like my skin, I look like a teenager at the moment).

On the other hand: You can be so massively proud of yourself! No-one but a fellow ex-smoker can understand the relevance of a long, long month without cigarette smoke. We understand: You did it! Congratulations on your turning Green, Bluestocking!


PinkFlowers
DG today
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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

May 3rd, 2005, 5:46 am #72

I need to record something I've observed in the past few days on the boards -- something that is appropriate to this journal and that might be inspirational to me as I make my journey towards the rest of my nicotene-free life.

I'm one of the young ones.

I read the posts of a lot of the oldbies. I skim the diaries, read the articles. And I grow ever more inspired by these people who spent 30-40 years of their lives inhaling nicotene. Their stories are astounding. But part of what makes them so amazing is the fact that they have SO MANY more things to offer than I do. Their experiences with their drug addiction spanned more years, affected more aspects of their lives. And, truthfully, they probably spent more times thinking about their addictions before they quit than I did.

So, I've started making this mental list -- strictly for my own appreciation. It outlines a little bit of a comparison between me and someone older. But it also reminds me that there are aspects of our quits that always run in tandem.
I haven't yet raised children -- so I cannot hope that my quit will be an example to them. I can only hope that I will never have a child who knows me as a smoker.

I never allowed myself to smoke insice -- so I had less triggers to overcome than some. I had only to overcome my fear of going outdoors to succeed.

A great many people never KNEW I smoked. So, there are a lot less people to support me in my quit...

I've never tried to quit before -- so I didn't know what was coming. The few times I entertained the thought, I gave up before I made any progress whatsoever.

I've never known smoking to be "chic"... except in the most underground of ways. Therefore I've always carried guilt about what smoking was doing to me. You'd think this would have made it EASIER to quit... but in some ways I think it only complicated my journey.

Some things I do relate to, that run through so many threads:
I snuck away from family events to have a smoke. Often I left early to meet with smoking friends -- for a night of coffee and nicotene.

I wasted an interminable amount of time paying attention to getting that NIC-fix. These days I have so many more moments to spare.

I really did think that quitting was impossible -- and I've proven to myself, moment after moment, hour after hour, day after day that I was WRONG about that.

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lo bluestocking
lo bluestocking

May 3rd, 2005, 5:51 am #73

P.S.

Lest anyone think otherwise, I do realise how fortunate I am to have quit at this early point in my life. And I see it as a true blessing.

Just making observations...
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Barb761
Barb761

May 3rd, 2005, 7:47 am #74

Congratulations, Yes you are very lucky to have found Freedom and wanted it so young. I unfortunately smoked for some 25 years, thru all of my 21 yr old daughters young life. She hated it. My 12 yr old son hated it and they are both so happy I quit. Their father and stepfather still smoke. Hopefully some day thay will find what works for them to quit before it is too late for them to enjoy old life. Embrace your quit every day and give yourself a hug from me.

barb761 - Free and Healing for Five Months, Twenty Two Days, 21 Hours and 57 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 7 Days and 6 Hours, by avoiding the use of 2099 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $422.83.
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elaine3758
elaine3758

May 3rd, 2005, 8:21 am #75

Wow and way to go!!! 1 month and your green that is a great achievement. congrats on your quit. Enjoy all the positive's after 33 years of smoking everyone who knew me knew I smoked. (They could probably smell me coming from a mile away). but with or without the support of friends you have done the best possible thing for yourself at an early age. You should be proud of yourself. remember NTAP

Elaine- Free and Healing for Two Months, Sixteen Days, 20 Hours and 15 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 8 Days and 2 Hours, by avoiding the use of 2335 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $468.56.
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