the angry, still smoking spouse

Subconscious use cue extinguishment

the angry, still smoking spouse

knowbutts (Gold)
Joined: 07 Jan 2009, 19:25

18 Nov 2001, 07:27 #1

He is not happy about my quit. I am disrupting our lifestyle. I am betraying him. He is trying not to smoke around me so he is in a constant state of withdrawal. When I get ready for my morning jog he sighs and rolls his eyes.The smell of him and his gurgling hack and wheezing are turning my stomach. The sight of his angry, bitter face makes me want to **** up a pack of butts. Is his misery my fault? I know his behavior is caused by the nicotine addiction. I know I need to respect his point of view but I don"t ever intend to take another puff!
I need a mental tool to get through this and permanently recondition this trigger before we kill each other. Anyone have a cunning plan?
me taking a puff is not going to help so I'm not going to.
Last edited by knowbutts (Gold) on 29 May 2013, 19:59, edited 2 times in total.

Patsy (Gold2)
Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:00

18 Nov 2001, 10:46 #2

My hubby smokes too!!!
A lot of us here at Freedom have smoking spouses. Mine was glad I quit but has not curtailed his smoking much for me even though I have Emphysema. I try to be tolerant but when the smell bothers me I let him know HE STINKS!!!

I know he often is jealous of my quit. I am very proud of my quit & that too I let him know. I know deep down inside he would like to quit too but he's afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of loosing his constant companion, afraid of life without cigarettes. Quitting does change your life & smokers don't understand (even though they see other quitters doing it) how much better, healthier, cleaner & happier they will be. They're just scared.

Your quit is yours & you should be very proud of it!! Maybe someday both of our husbands will quit, maybe not. What's important is the we have done what is best for ourselves & we will live better for it.

Hang in there! It's really worth it. (At least he should be happy about the money your saving!)
Last edited by Patsy (Gold2) on 29 May 2013, 20:00, edited 1 time in total.

Roberta (GOLD)
Joined: 07 Jan 2009, 19:58

18 Nov 2001, 21:04 #3

I too have a puffing hubby (who made it till noon on the great American smokeout day). He is very proud of my quit but has no consideration for me in regard to the dangers of 2nd hand smoke. Oh well....... I can only pray he quits. Nobody could have maded me quit until I was ready so I certainly don't ride him about it, just little digs now and again (sorry, I just can't help myself).

10 months tomorrow without disgusting butts

Toast (GOLD )
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

18 Nov 2001, 22:32 #4

Count me in there with the smoking hubby too. It's interesting that he quit the day before I did, but started "sneaking" cigarettes about 6 weeks into it. Of course, I knew. How can you NOT smell it??! So, he's 'fessed up and smokes at will - only not in the house. I realized it's the first time IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I've had the opportunity to live in a house were no one smokes indoors. So I put my foot down there. Still, smelling it on his clothes, his hair and hands, his breath. ICK. I am humbled by how much chemical-laced "aroma" I put out in the world unknowingly for so many years. Also, he's had 2 long quits during our marriage - at least a year or more each time - that he's relapsed from. Funny, he always blamed me because I "made it hard" for him by continuing to smoke. Well, I'll tell you I shucked THAT guilt as soon as I realized he had relapsed again.

So I guess my point here, KB, is that you can only own your own quit, your own emotions, your own behavior. Easy to say, hard to do, but it's what I aspire to. I've read somewhere and it's helped me that other people's behavior mostly has little to do with you, only with their own perceptions, expectations, fears, etc. I mean, that isn't meant to relieve one of being a decent, considerate human! Just know that there's way more going on that it appears. Don't tie your quit to his reactions.

Image Melissa

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3 Wks 3 Days 22 Hrs 7 Mins 47 Secs Added


Toast (GOLD )
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

18 Nov 2001, 22:35 #5

I forgot to add that hubby is now on Day 4 of his quit - I'm very proud of him!
Image Melissa

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

18 Nov 2001, 22:44 #6

Hello KB

I just brought up a post about negative support from others. When you quit it can often be seen as threatening for smokers around you. You are doing something they can't do, or so it seems to them. In fact, it is something they can do but they don't see it yet. There are two ways for them to become equal to you. One way is they can quit. Another way is you can smoke. What do you thinks sounds easier to them?

The best thing you can do for your husband is set the example that there is life after smoking. Maybe one day he will come around and see it for himself. Whether or not he does is not paramount to your quit though. For while your quitting "may" be the best thing for him if he eventually learns from it, it without a doubt it is the best thing for you. To keep your quit preserving your health and your life always remember that for your sake you are choosing to never take another puff!


Joanne Gold
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

18 Nov 2001, 23:48 #7

Hi KB, thanks for sharing. I am glad to see others sharing their experiences with you. Please just hang on tight because everyone in your household will eventually adjust to your new lifestyle. Stay gentle and compassionate with those around you - understand that your quit is now a constant reminder to your spouse of what he wants and needs to do. Each of us can remember wanting to find our way but just quite didn't know where to start. Perhaps your husband will finally muster up the courage and determination to find his way, too. He will have the best quit teacher around. : )

When I first quit smoking I sort of was jealous that my husband sat outside on Friday nights, (our weekend routine while we watched our little ones play) had a glass of wine and a good cigar. For a few weeks I kept busy at my computer while my family did their thing - it felt awful lonely for all of us. Eventually I grabbed that glass of wine and joined my family outdoors - it was a matter of coming to terms with new things and understanding that the only thing I was missing - was being with my family...not the dreadful smoking.

Anyway, I am rambling here but I wanted you to know that we are with you and understand your frustrations. Don't allow for one second to have this challenge stand in the way of your quit. Everything does work out. Just as you learn to cope, so will your husband. It really hurts to see those we love still trapped in such a terrible addiction...continue to show him the way. : )

Stay focused on your reasons for quitting....congratulations on a strong and determined resolve. : )

Thanks for being here with us. Come and share with us at any time.

Your friend - Joanne : )

2 years 9 months free : )

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:59

19 Nov 2001, 04:17 #8

Image A view from the other side. My wife still smokes, as does my son. I almost lost my early quit when I was frustrated that I couldn't get either to stop. I must have gone through 4 ink cartridges printing out bryan's story and every article I could find to get them to see the light. I posted my frustration, and zep (John) wrote her a beautiful letter in his response. I had her read it, and she went down and had a cigarette when she completed it. I went ballistic, and almost lost it. I had junky thinking, you know the get even response. OK if she doesn't care, I'll start smoking again, we can play russian roulette and see who dies first. I got through it though and finally realized I can't quit for her, and I know she really has to want to quit to be successful, and I can't do that for her either. I used to make her smoke in a downstairs bedroom with the door closed, but I don't even do that anymore as I have accepted the fact that will die a smoker, and if that is her choice I am again helpless
Patty, I love that fish gif, it really hits the nail on the head.
Eleven months, three weeks, 26 minutes and 27 seconds. 14200 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,775.09. Life saved: 7 weeks, 7 hours, 20 minutes.

Dida (Gold)
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:59

20 Nov 2001, 08:14 #9

Hello KB,
Very timely your post has been....I quit before my partner and he was terrified that his quit would be difficult - in fact, his was easier than mine (and he smoked more, too).....what I did realize that this quit for me has been more of an educated one and I shared all the information with my partner who has since used it to help himself in his quit. While he was still smoking, I wouldn't let him smoke in the bedroom and it made him slightly crazy but I grinned and beared it....eventually the rule became a new behaviour and it didn't bother him anymore. He learned to accept it. I didn't pester him about his smoking and went about my business - his little comments were just frustrations which I chose to ignore and eventually they stopped, too. Just keep your focus on yourself and it will all be gotta remember that your husband knows what buttons to push and in the middle of his frustration he's going to do it. Try to detach yourself from it. Good luck.
I have not smoked for 4 months, 11 minutes!

SweetLorraine (Gold)
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:59

20 Nov 2001, 11:26 #10

Hi Knowbutts, Don't know if this will help, but as another perspective - Up until October 10 I was the angry smoking spouse. And I didn't even know I was angry or afraid that I couldn't quit. Looking back Image I'm ashamed of how stubborn and silly I behaved. My husband deserves some sort of award for putting up with a smoking spouse for months (he quit back in May) and for tolerating a rather moody wife the past few weeks as I slowly come to understand that there is life after cigarettes and that I love being a non-smoker. Anyway, he was very tolerant - making little comments - but not yelling or making big scenes - Image I'm guessing that if it had been reversed that would have been my style. Setting a good example does have impact and I would guess the louder he protests the more upset with himself he's getting. Here's hoping your spouse joins you on your quit. If he does, he'll learn that he's the big winner and all he has to do is never take another puff! Image yqf SweetLorraine

One month, one week, one day, 22 hours, 55 minutes and 54 seconds. 399 cigarettes not smoked, saving $129.99. Life saved: 1 day, 9 hours, 15 minutes.