the angry, still smoking spouse

Subconscious use cue extinguishment
Joined: 26 Feb 2009, 11:38

18 Apr 2012, 18:45 #21

How could I have missed this thread! This is exactly the one I needed a year or so ago, and here it was all along. Right now I think some others around here may find it quite useful... I can relate to all of these posts. Including the ones where you finally have to get past it, accept it, and hope for the best.

Joined: 07 Oct 2012, 09:33

19 Dec 2012, 22:21 #22

It's funny isn't it, how bonding it is, both being smokers, and when one of you stops, that's a whole emotional minefield to navigate. We all understand how it feels to smoke in the presence of an ex-smoker, like you say, it's a mixture of jealousy, admiration, shame, but also overwhelming fear, that maybe we could become ex-smokers too if we could just actually be brave enough to try!

Being rebellious smokers who both should have known better was a part of my relationship with my partner. I joked that we faced life's challenges like sailors in oilskins on the deck of a ship in a storm, trying to light each other's cigarettes in lashing wind and rain. In previous quit attempts of mine he was supportive, but also lenient when I relapsed, and praising me for being successful for however many weeks it was, proper junkie mentality from both of us!

But this time I have made a permanent change, we both know it. And it is very hard to talk about it. I dont want to nag him, i know it has to be a personal journey. But I want to help him, I want to let him know how amazing the health rewards are already, how the guilt and shame have lifted, just how nearly everything is now better, and life can indeed be done without nicotine. I want him to live longer for me and the kids too!

Tonight I tried to tell him that I miss our chats during all the cigarette breaks in our lives, and they were many. I miss those times out to reflect and pause, even though I now know we can do that anyway, without nicotine. But he takes himself off to smoke, and I do miss him at those points. I go out with him to smoke outside at parties, and I quite enjoy the cameraderie of my former smoking mates. I never feel remotely tempted to take a puff, I am not ready to embrace my old addiction :) EVER.

So if anyone has any tips on how to talk gently to your spouse about such things without it leading to argument or upset, I am all ears! I dont want to upset him but thats how it comes out :(

I've got a quitmeter now, which tells me I stopped using nicotine eleven weeks ago, I have not smoked over 1350 cigarettes, I have not chewed hundreds of bits of nicotine gum, and I have saved £562, though Ithink a lot of that has been spent on xmas presents so I dont feel at all rich right now!

Joined: 13 Nov 2008, 14:04

19 Dec 2012, 22:38 #23

Last edited by Joel Spitzer on 19 Dec 2012, 22:44, edited 2 times in total.