the angry, still smoking spouse

Subconscious use cue extinguishment
Joined: January 7th, 2009, 7:25 pm

November 21st, 2001, 1:34 pm #11

Thanks to everyone for the feedback. You guys helped me get through the weekend without acting like a totally mean jerk. I know he wants to quit too, and when he's ready if I can get him to this site he'll make it.

Thank again,
knowbutts
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Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:57 pm

November 21st, 2002, 10:14 pm #12

Congratulations Knowbutts!
This thread by Knowbutts just turned one year old, as did her quit on November 10, 2002. Congratulations Knowbutts! An interesting thing about this thread is that every member who responded to it is today in Freedom's Gold club (signifying that they have not used any nicotine for over one year). It's powerful testimony to the power of becoming active in the give and take of online support. The next few minutes are doable - just one challenge at a time! John - The Gold Club


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Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:57 pm

April 27th, 2005, 9:15 am #13

Here is an historical example of how to address the smoking spouse issue which has come up at least three times today. If anybody can think of others please 'bump 'em up'.

joejFree 106+
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Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:57 pm

June 27th, 2006, 12:04 pm #14

Wow, I read every post without realizing that it was several years old.
I relate to just about every post. My smoking husband is a trigger for me. But I've learned to deal with it. I quess it's just reminders of time that we used to spend together. With busy schedules sometimes that after dinner smoke was the only time we had to talk. I'm trying to learn to make time now..Just like everything in my life..i'm re learning how to be an ex smoker....it just all takes time.
I used to really bug my hubby about smoking but i've really eased up on him....just little comments about the smell now and then....and maybe a money comment tossed in...once in awhile...lol
He has to quit for himself......i just pray someday (soon) he will. I even promised to let him get away with being very moody for the first week of not smoking...support I did not have!!
Anyway...thanks for bringing this post up to the top..as usual just what i needed to read..(husbands outside smoking now...:(
Thanks again
Tracy
I have been quit for 3 Months, 21 hours, 59 minutes and 36 seconds (92 days). I have saved $436.70 by not smoking 743 cigarettes. I have saved 2 Days, 13 hours and 55 minutes of my life.
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Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:57 pm

June 27th, 2006, 11:34 pm #15

My hubby smokes. This thread should be titled the angry not smoking spouse. We have one bathroom, and it is tiny. I begged him not to smoke in it, but he still does. He smokes in every room of my house. REALLY MAKES ME MAD. So thanx for letting me come here to vent about it.
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Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:57 pm

August 12th, 2006, 5:17 am #16

This post could also apply to the still smoking friend, close relative, work associate.....etc. who is 'just waiting for me to fail'.

Well if you do what you know is right by NTAP for you & only you and then remember your initial quitting motivation you will see that the only person you can contorol whether the use nicotine is you.

JoeJ Free to be 'just me' by keeping my initial pledge TO MYSELF that I'd NTAP.
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Joined: December 19th, 2008, 1:39 am

August 12th, 2006, 8:00 am #17

Great post!

So many emotions are involved when you've managed to continue winning your freedom and the one you love has "let go". It is always nice to know we are not alone.

Tallmama Karen

Karen - Free and Healing for Eight Months, Six Days, 18 Hours and 52 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 17 Days and 8 Hours, by avoiding the use of 4996 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $1,022.09.
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Joined: December 19th, 2008, 1:29 am

January 30th, 2007, 6:29 pm #18

This was a great one to bring up. My husband smokes as well, but luckily for me he has been very supportive and encouraging with my quit. He started smoking in the basement so it wouldn't be around me, etc. One thing that bothers me, however, is (through no fault of his!) is that I get really annoyed inside each time I see him heading down there! I know those feelings will pass eventually...it's already not *quite* as bad as a few days ago...but I really want to rid myself of the feeling that I'm mssing out on something...this was a great post to read today, thank you!

PS...I agree with one someone from last year posted....that's the great thing about these articles..it doesn't matter how old the information is, they all will still always apply! :) M.

I have been quit for 1 Week, 21 hours, 44 minutes and 55 seconds (7 days). I have saved $30.42 by not smoking 158 cigarettes. I have saved 13 hours and 10 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 1/22/2007 6:45 AM
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Joined: January 7th, 2009, 7:58 pm

March 7th, 2007, 6:19 am #20

And it does apply. I really miss my husband, when he came home after work we would go out in the garage together and have a smoke or two where I had him all to myself before the kids took over. Now he is out there alone. Sometimes I go out there and hang out a few feet away and if the urge hits I hightail it around the block. I don't want to be left out, but I don't want to feel the need to smoke to be included. My smoking people are afraid to smoke around me and that sort of makes them avoid me....that's really funny if you think about it, it is usually the non-smoker avoiding the smokers!
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Joined: February 26th, 2009, 11:38 am

April 18th, 2012, 6:45 pm #21

How could I have missed this thread! This is exactly the one I needed a year or so ago, and here it was all along. Right now I think some others around here may find it quite useful... I can relate to all of these posts. Including the ones where you finally have to get past it, accept it, and hope for the best.
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Joined: October 7th, 2012, 9:33 am

December 19th, 2012, 10:21 pm #22

It's funny isn't it, how bonding it is, both being smokers, and when one of you stops, that's a whole emotional minefield to navigate. We all understand how it feels to smoke in the presence of an ex-smoker, like you say, it's a mixture of jealousy, admiration, shame, but also overwhelming fear, that maybe we could become ex-smokers too if we could just actually be brave enough to try!

Being rebellious smokers who both should have known better was a part of my relationship with my partner. I joked that we faced life's challenges like sailors in oilskins on the deck of a ship in a storm, trying to light each other's cigarettes in lashing wind and rain. In previous quit attempts of mine he was supportive, but also lenient when I relapsed, and praising me for being successful for however many weeks it was, proper junkie mentality from both of us!

But this time I have made a permanent change, we both know it. And it is very hard to talk about it. I dont want to nag him, i know it has to be a personal journey. But I want to help him, I want to let him know how amazing the health rewards are already, how the guilt and shame have lifted, just how nearly everything is now better, and life can indeed be done without nicotine. I want him to live longer for me and the kids too!

Tonight I tried to tell him that I miss our chats during all the cigarette breaks in our lives, and they were many. I miss those times out to reflect and pause, even though I now know we can do that anyway, without nicotine. But he takes himself off to smoke, and I do miss him at those points. I go out with him to smoke outside at parties, and I quite enjoy the cameraderie of my former smoking mates. I never feel remotely tempted to take a puff, I am not ready to embrace my old addiction :) EVER.

So if anyone has any tips on how to talk gently to your spouse about such things without it leading to argument or upset, I am all ears! I dont want to upset him but thats how it comes out :(


I've got a quitmeter now, which tells me I stopped using nicotine eleven weeks ago, I have not smoked over 1350 cigarettes, I have not chewed hundreds of bits of nicotine gum, and I have saved £562, though Ithink a lot of that has been spent on xmas presents so I dont feel at all rich right now!
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Joined: November 13th, 2008, 2:04 pm

December 19th, 2012, 10:38 pm #23

Last edited by Joel Spitzer on December 19th, 2012, 10:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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