screams, laughter, fears and tears

The emotions that flow from nicotine cessation
misha (Gold )
misha (Gold )

October 15th, 2002, 4:43 am #41

Hang on, feel whatever feelings there are, doesn't it feel good to not use nicotine to cover those up any more? Thankfully, the rollercoaster of emotions rolls to a stop. Whew!

your quit sister,
mish
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BillW Gold.ffn
BillW Gold.ffn

January 15th, 2003, 12:06 am #42

For Tisy and Nana......it gets better!
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nadette bronze
nadette bronze

March 12th, 2003, 3:08 am #43

thank you golden billw for the recommendation of this article, and thank you linda for writing it.
i really needed to read this.
nadette
1wk, 1d
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Jamster
Jamster

March 12th, 2003, 1:37 pm #44

Thanks, I needed this post today. I feel a little blue, but for once no tears at the drop of a hat. Maybe I'm fighting them off, I don't know, I'll wait until I lay in my bed thinking of what a wonderful day I had not smoking. Then when I cry I turn the tears into tears of happiness. For some reason, even though I've had some rough times, I know deep within that nothing would have been different if I smoked, and I don't think the way I've dealt with everything would have been any easier emotionally either if I smoked. I feel calmer and more relaxed, although, no one notices, I feel this way inside. I'm relieved to have kicked off the habit, and three weeks feels like years compared to the 18 years I've smoked...continuously, one after another..., killing my lungs...

What a tragedy, what a horrible tragedy. Ok, I'm stopping now, I don't want to cry for unhappiness, just happiness. Am I crazy? Oh well, at least I crack myself up with laughter sometimes during my craziness times. Thanks, for your kind words, and encouragement, it helps!!!

Jamster, 3 weeks, 36 minutes, 27 seconds
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Mellodeegold
Mellodeegold

June 8th, 2003, 11:18 pm #45

I had to come to Freedom this morning. I have been bothered by nickodemons since yesterday. I'm almost 4 weeks into my quit [May 13] and got hit by a bad crave, I fought it, even had a good cry for myself. Then I dreamed 2 people came in the store where I worked, smoking cigarettes, and instead of telling them to put them out, I asked for and took a puff.
I couldn't believe I did that and began to cry for my lost quit.

I woke up, tears still on my face, and joy that it was only a dream. I immediately logged on to Freedom to read about Depression and how others handled that type of feeling.

I was thinking maybe I should ask my Dr. about Wellbutrin , but like others, I do not want to take medication. Maybe it was just this weekend and this crave that did it. I don't have too much support at home, Hubby is glad I quit but doesn't have much to say about it, kids are glad too but no one reenforces my need to hear that I'm doing great.

When I smoked, every day someone said "when are you going to quit?" "You need to quit" Now that I've quit, no one says anything. No one feels or understands the struggle I'm going through[ they never smoked]. Oh I guess this is just another pity party for me. I needed to come on here for my re enforcements. I do realize I am proud of me and my quit, I didn't think I could get this far.
Ms Grumpys post and the other articles on depression have helped and so I'll go do something good for myself and keep on breathing deeply and
never take another puff [even in my dreams]

June 13th will be my GREEN PARTY Almost there!
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GrumpyOMrsS (Gold)
GrumpyOMrsS (Gold)

June 9th, 2003, 12:50 am #46

Hi Mellodee,
First of all....you are going to be just fine! There are NO nicodemons, as you will learn here at Freedom. It's just your addiction tapping you on the shoulder to let you know it's still there but it wil subside as you learn more about it and meet, greet and defeat your triggers.
Read the following. They will help you to understand just what is happening to you, including the smoking dream:


The smoking dream
The urge hits
Why am I still having "urges?"
Negative support from others
Quitting can be a very lonely experience
One day at a time
One hour at a time
Nicodemon's lies or junkie's junk?


before you know it...you'll be celebrating your first smokefree month and we'll always be here to celebrate with you.
you're doing great. be proud.

Linda
Last edited by GrumpyOMrsS (Gold) on January 13th, 2010, 2:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Mellodeegold
Mellodeegold

June 10th, 2003, 12:14 pm #47

Gosh, I really needed to read the one on dreams, I thought I was the
only one.
It's great that Freedom re affirms all this for the newbies.
I did get out of the house, went to the Casino and smelled the yucky
smoke and know I will never take another puff. I also watched the
smokers having their love affairs with a slow death, I was embarrased
for them and realized I was there only a few weeks ago.
Yes I need the support of you posters on Freedom, my support at home is
not really negative, it's just not there. I need the stroking, even give
myself a pat on the back.
Thanks for being there on this SOS weekend. I just got freaky for a
while.
I'm ok now.
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

August 16th, 2003, 3:51 am #48

This temporary journey of adjustment called quitting is primarily about our conscious rational mind having the patience to allow the subconscious emotional inner mind the time needed to begin sensing that the real chemical free "you" is a wonderful thing to be. All the emotions bubbling up are almost automatic cue conditioned responses designed to protect you from the anxieties associated with early withdrawal. You've already been there, you've done that, and all that remains is for both levels of consciousness to begin to see, appreciate and believe that where you are, and where you're going, is far far safer, much healthier and vastly easier than the captive life, massive risks and endless emotional and energy cycling that you've left behind.
You're going home and there's only one rule - no nicotine today! The next few minutes are doable! Have a great weekend! John
Last edited by John (Gold) on January 13th, 2010, 2:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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tuffnec
tuffnec

January 11th, 2004, 5:26 am #49

thank you for your advice ,my family would say that i am not that placid any way but since stopping i have laughed more than i normally do and have smilled more than i normally do,but i have also found myself washing the dishes and crying for no reason,ive screamed and shouted,but all through the last five days(that have incidently felt like fifty)ive had this overpowering feeling of proudness in myself i just hope one day i will look back on this and no longer feel that im carrying all these emotions around with me just cause im not allowing myself to have a ciggerette,i will not take another puff!!!!!!
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LilLulu814
LilLulu814

February 12th, 2004, 10:30 pm #50

I love the way you put things Linda. I am very much on an emotional rollercoaster with my quit. Other than that it's going well, but I'm sick of crying over everything or getting angry over nothing, as I'm sure the people around are as well. On day 3 of my quit I found myself washing my kitchen floor on my hands and knees (I dont' like the way the mop does it) bawling like a baby, over nothing. I'm ultra sensitive these days as well. If I could get a grip on my emotions things would be absolutely fabulous. I suppose this will come with time and patience, not one of my strong suits (patience).

I have chosen not to smoke for 1 Week 11 Hours 44 Minutes. Nasty Cigarettes not smoked: 224. Money saved: $38.64.
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Toast (GOLD )
Toast (GOLD )

June 12th, 2004, 2:30 am #51

stealing a great gif from one of the best!
Melissa
36 months
Last edited by Toast (GOLD ) on January 13th, 2010, 3:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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malapela gold
malapela gold

August 22nd, 2004, 11:31 am #52

Emotional roller coasters, eh? I'm pretty sure now, after reading this thread of a thread of a thread, that this quit I'm doing is responsible for making me think of divorce, quitting my job, moving to Mexico, or just simply running away.

I've been feeling as if I have nowhere to go. I've had plenty of tears and tirades but only this week. The first two weeks were fine, almost too easy. I've had some serious doubts, even today. But, I guess I kept thinking NTAP and smoking never really helped anyway. That's why I always had to have two or three in a row; "maybe the next cigarette will help, or the next."

I'm very depressed this week so I'm reading a lot and it is helping a lot. I've been feeling that I'm different..."not like all these people here." And I read that same quote tonight from someone else. That thought, that I'm different, can easily risk a relapse. It's a terrible thought. But from following these threads, the thought and the risk erased itself.

Thanks everyone,


John Three weeks, two days, 11 hours, 30 minutes and 49 seconds. 657 cigarettes not smoked, saving $98.61. Life saved: 2 days, 6 hours, 45 minutes.
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WideEnlightened
WideEnlightened

August 23rd, 2004, 10:27 am #53

Dear John (Malapela?)

I'm so confused about these thread things, so I have been looking for the most recent post that applies to how I feel.

First Linda's (Grumpy) post I can really relate to, since I smoked for 46 years. Yours I can relate to becasue I quit 7/29/04 at 5:00 AM. And I am feeling very depressed the last day or so. Wequit about the same time.

For one of you older long-time-smoker- oldbies that have had the heart to stick around for so many of us, while I'm happy for all the excited ex-mokers out there...... I am just feeling lethargic and depressed. I don't want to smoke. I want my life back, and because of all the health problems I have created for myself, I'm afraid I may never have it back. I know I'm not going to turn into an athlete in the next 7 days, but I could use some emotional support. I have been feeling tired and depressed for the last couple of days. I'm afraid I have done too much damage to my body to recover as everyone else seems to have done.

I don't know if I have posted this in the right place, but..identified strongly with John's comments and feelings. How come I'm not all high and excited - so close now to green?..( maybe tomorrrow I will be).

I feel guilty posting this, but talking to the wall isn't helping right now. I am trying desperately to regain my health so I can work and survive. I have no medical insurance, and am living off what remains of my savings. At least I'm not spending any of it on cancer sticks.

Thanks to whomever responds. It is a relief to have someone to talk to.Thank you Freedom.

Mary Ann..also feeling really grumpy, up and down and sidewise.

Free and healing for three weeks 2 days and 14 hours
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malapela gold
malapela gold

August 23rd, 2004, 10:55 am #54

Mary Ann,

I'm glad I'm on right now and happened to see your response. Yesterday, when I was feeling so depressed, I looked for posts about depression and came to this. I'm not sure if we should start a new thread or not. I do feel a bit better today. I know exactly how you are feeling except when you say you have done too much damage to your body. I hope you are just depressed and this isn't true. We are feeling better and quitting now is going to be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.

Yesterday I thought, " I'm tired, I don't want to do this and why can't I have my only friend back? I hate my life and I don't want to live a long one anyway if it is going to be like this. But I feel better today!

So hang on, one day at a time and we'll get through this and we will be happy and excited just like all those other people with gold after their names.

I have a question Mary Ann. How do you quit at 5:00 AM? You awoke that early, had a smoke, then decided to quit, or what? You are farther along than me. I stopped at 11:00 AM. Let's have a parade next Sunday when we get our Green status, OK? Read you then.

John - Free and Healing for Twenty Four Days, 10 Hours and 55 Minutes
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VoluntaryDebraSilver
VoluntaryDebraSilver

August 23rd, 2004, 11:03 am #55

Hello WideEnlightened,
Yes indeed, welcome to the world of quitting smoking. We are all remarkably similar and all so very alone in our quits. BUT everyone who comes here wants you to succeed and become healthier and happier and prouder of yourself. Good luck to you. Read the library and try to give yourself forgiveness because you can look high and low and it is not in there. It's a new world for us older folks to step into. I smoked 35 years and was very sad when I quit. Depressed really. Get help if you need it but realize smoking again will not make you happy. It takes time, patience, and what you already have....desire. Congratulations and remember you never have to talk to the walls. Someone is always here for you.

I've been quit for 8 months, 24 days, 21 hours, 26 minutes and 42 seconds (269 days).
I've not smoked 8067 death sticks, and saved $1,264.27.
I've saved 28 day(s), 0 hour(s) of my life.
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WideEnlightened
WideEnlightened

August 23rd, 2004, 11:17 am #56

Hey John:

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel so much better that you listened and replied...and that YOU are feeling better today.

On July 29th, I woke up (after reading all day at this site on the previous day); went to my drawer and through out an entire carton of cigarettes, all my lighters, etc. etc.

I don't know how bad the damage is. I was hospitalized(in ICU for 4 weeks) for peritonitis 9/04 Before surgery I went into hypoxic septic shock and afterwards...horrible complications from infections. I actually died and was recussiitated. (Where's the spell checker?). LOL

I read my medical records after they shipped me out to a nursing home with a fever of 104. ( I actually got better in that awful place....couldn't move when I arrived.

The records say I have severe COPD. I know I have some emphysema and asthma, but the other people in the nursing home with severe COPD were all on oxygen and not walking. I forced myself to walk continuously as soon as I had the strenght to do so. And was out of there in three months.

My breathing has improved, but I don't know how much lung capacity I have left. I am not coughing, etc. I can carry my groceries upstairs unaided. The pre-op lung Xray taken by my GP seemed to be ok. He didn't say it looked bad. I know I can't do a lot of the things I could could do five years ago. And maybe I'm just afraid I quit too late.

Ouch....I am really rambling on an on and sounding pathetic.. If I can get a job soon, I think some of this will automatically go away.

To my soon to be green friend,

Hugs,

Mary Ann
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WideEnlightened
WideEnlightened

August 23rd, 2004, 11:32 am #57

Dear Voluntary Debra & John & anyone else reading.

I read my own last reply to John. It confused even me. I had a colostomy in September 2002. I had it reversed in May 2004. (I no longer have the colostomy). My pre-op X-ray for the May surgery seemed to be ok. Somewhere I read a post where one of our fellow ex-smokers stated that his chest got tight everytime he thought about events surrounding smoking....so does mine. I can't stand these morbid, depressing thoughts.

Well this has really helped me a lot. You are so generous with your time and help.

Hanging in there .....and definitely No nicotine today.


Mary Ann
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K1k Harper Green
K1k Harper Green

September 1st, 2004, 1:04 am #58

John(malapela)...day 17 for me and i related to your statement above about thinking of a divorce, quitting my job, running away and etc.

...................i have been fine up till now, the smallest of things happening in my life are ticking me off.
.................... if i hear another, "chill out", or "don't get upset", or "stop crying" again from friends, family, co-workers, i think i will fly off the handle, but i continue to perservere. i am in the army of non-smokers and we are strong and united.
pervererance:
the hard work you do
after you get tired of doing the hard
work you already did.

harper.
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wittler h
wittler h

October 13th, 2004, 1:28 am #59

Another perfect example of these documents written exactly for or about me. Thank you. I'm not normally so emotional.

DeWitt

I have been quit for a little over 28 days. I have saved $72.05 by not smoking 576 cigarettes (that's allot a smoke!). I have saved 2 Days of my life. I WILL N.T.A.P. THERE CAN NEVER BE ONLY ONE!
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j a g 64
j a g 64

October 19th, 2004, 5:48 am #60

Thanks. Does my heart good today for some reason.
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SweetLorraine (Gold)
SweetLorraine (Gold)

October 31st, 2004, 11:05 pm #61

For Happy at last and Lonely NY Mom - it gets better I promise!
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Crystal View1.ffn
Crystal View1.ffn

November 19th, 2004, 10:13 am #62

Linda, thank you for your reflections. I am OVERJOYED sometimes and I am not at others. For the past two days, I have wished I was a little "happier" about quitting....please don't get me wrong, I know you and many probably understand....I "AM" happy....I guess I am learning that my quit is young and I am "still" on my journey to more and more freedome.....

Katie - Free and Healing for One Month, Two Days, 12 Hours and 11 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 1 Day and 22 Hours, by avoiding the use of 553 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $110.68.
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Kendra D
Kendra D

November 21st, 2004, 7:32 am #63

I really needed to read this particular thread today....though I'm a little better than yesterday, it's still tough to get thru. I keep telling myself I will get thru, and believe me, I'm counting minutes, hours..etc. I've even thought of throwing my clock out the window, it's so slow today...lol

But, this afternoon, a little light started shining thru all of this fog....I actually had a "moment" of freedom!! Though it was fleeting, it gives me the added courage and strength to go on and keep to my quit!!

Kendra

NTAP!!!!!!

5 days 10 hours and 30 minutes nicotine free!!!

P.S. Thanks to EVERYONE who responded to my cry for help yesterday. I can't wait for the day I can help someone on here get thru just one more day!!!
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GoldenDivamom1972
GoldenDivamom1972

January 21st, 2005, 10:48 am #64

As usual, so glad I ran across this thread tonight. In my first week, I went from snapping and snarling (Day 1), to a childlike temper tantrum (Day 2-revelation...smoking would not make it better!), to bursting out crying during my performance review for no good reason (Day 5).

It's getting better all the time. Today, I was mostly on top of the world and totally in love with my quit. Isn't it always like that when you're in a new relationship? At some point, I might feel myself becoming complacent and taking my quit, my best friend, for granted, but I will have this to return to should that start happening.

NTAP!
Amy
Free and Healing for Seventeen Days, 14 Hours and 23 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 1 Day and 19 Hours, by avoiding the use of 528 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $132.09.
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LisaT774
LisaT774

April 23rd, 2005, 1:11 am #65

Mrs. S,

I love the way you explain this emotional rollercoaster! I've mostly been just too darn happy , but sometimes get more irritated than usual with my dog when he is being obnoxious, or with my boss when he interrupts me at work , but then I almost instantaneously forget why I was upset and am happy again. It feels like mild PMS or something...actually, now that I think about it, that could be what it is...the last few days, anyway (lol!)

Regardless, I do sense myself having (if not showing) more emotions and to a greater depth than I did as an active addict. Both physical and mental awareness have become far more acute, which can be both wonderful and a bit frustrating, (depending on what emotion or sense). I have yet to find the best way to deal with some of the emotions, but am working to focus in on them and tease out the real reason I may be feeling that way. I've explained to my roommate, the guy I'm dating and to my boss about the possibility of my acting like a child at times and asked them to forgive me in advance and to try to not take it personally. This seems to have diffused a few potential blow-ups and hurt feelings, but I have yet to catch myself soon enough before the emotions get the better of me. My mom has ALWAYS been that way, too, so I have to work especially hard to relearn a different way of expression so that I am not overly defensive, condescending or critical (as she still is to this day). I consider myself mostly lucky to feel such great joy and pleasure so much of the time, but guess I am therefore prone to have the same extremes with emotions on the other end of the spectrum. Finally cleaning my body and mind of all the toxic chemicals associated with 17 years of a numbing, suicidal addiction has increased my emotional intensity by about 3-5-fold. I can't believe how much I notice about both my body and my environment without the shroud of smoke and mirrors accompanying nicotine addiction.

Thanks for bringing up this thread in recent days. I truly owe all of you and this silly computer (I used to think they were virtually useless) my every day's happiness and potentially many added years of a productive and free life! Cheers to another successful week out of bondage! I no longer dread the weekend...or the pub! See you all on Monday and keep it REAL by NTAP!

Oh, and my 12K is only a little over a week away. I can't wait! My lungs feel HUGE!

Lisa - Free and Healing for Twenty Five Days, 12 Hours and 47 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 1 Day and 1 Hour, by avoiding the use of 306 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $53.68.
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