Quitting for Others

Quitting for Others

Joel
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

11 Mar 2001, 00:07 #1

Joel's Reinforcement Library
Image


Quitting for Others




"My husband can't stand it when I smoke - that is why I quit." "My wife is trying to quit, so I will stop just to support her." "My kids get sick when I smoke in front of them. They cough, sneeze, and nag me to death. I quit for them." "My doctor told me not to smoke as long as I am his patient, so I quit to get him off my back." "I quit for my dog."

All these people may have given up smoking, but they have done it for the wrong reason. While they may have gotten through the initial withdrawal process, if they don't change their primary motivation for abstaining from smoking, they will inevitably relapse. Contrary to popular belief, the important measure of success in smoking cessation is not getting off of cigarettes, but rather the ability to stay off.

A smoker may quit temporarily for the sake of a significant other, but he will feel as if he is depriving himself of something he truly wants. This feeling of deprivation will ultimately cause him to return to smoking. All that has to happen is for the person who he quit for to do something wrong, or just disappoint him. His response will be, "I deprived myself of my cigarettes for you and look how you pay me back! I'll show you, I will take a cigarette!" He will show them nothing. He is the one who will return to smoking and suffer the consequences. He will either smoke until it kills him or have to quit again. Neither alternative will be pleasant.

It is imperative for him to come to the realization that the primary benefactor in his giving up smoking is himself. True, his family and friends will benefit, but he will feel happier, healthier, calmer and in control of his life. This results in pride and a greatly improved self-esteem. Instead of feeling deprived of cigarettes, he will feel good about himself and appreciative to have been able to break free from such a dirty, deadly, powerful addiction.

So, always keep in mind that you quit smoking for you. Even if no one else offers praise or encouragement, pat yourself on the back for taking such good care of yourself. Realize how good you are to yourself for having broken free from such a destructive addiction. Be proud and remember - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!


Edited 11-5-11 to add new video below:

Last edited by Joel on 05 Nov 2011, 14:35, edited 1 time in total.
Reply

marty (gold)
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:59

30 Apr 2001, 00:09 #2

Guys, I just have to share this with you.

My wife (a never-smoker) has been nagging me for 20 years to quit. When I did, she was delighted for the first 10 minutes, and since then has taken the whole thing entirely for granted.

She just came up behind me as I was reading the board and said "Are you still using that website? How much time can you spend talking about the same thing?"

Now my wife is genuinely a caring, compassionate person, and she really desperately wants me to stay quit. Her problem is, of course, she has no understanding of smoking as an addiction, nor the process of quitting. And she never can have.

If I had quit "for her" rather than for myself, I would be living in a house of cards right now. The slightest feeling of antagonism towards my wife (yes, even I have those from time to time, saint though I am Image ) would have me diving for the smoke. And any attempt to get support from "the person for whom I quit" would meet with disaster, which would likely create just such a feeling of antagonism.
Reply

Heike (silver)
Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:00

30 Apr 2001, 15:21 #3

Thanks for that! Yes, it is sooo true. You will NEVER get the kind of support you might wish for from a non-smoker, simply because, like Marty said, they will never really understand.

It reminded me of one time I tried to quit, and I chose I trip with my ex (ex now, not then) to Wales to do it. We travelled around a lot, went canoeing in the sea and on white water, camped on cliff tops, enjoyed some beuatiful scenery,... we did have some arguments too. I remember for example one issue re where to have dinner one night. He was never one for wanting to spend much moneyy (even though we had enough) and suggested fish & chips (which I hate because I don't like deep-fried stuff). I really felt that after 4 days of not smoking, I deserved a treat. I also felt HE should KNOW this, without me saying so! Of course he was totally unaware, and why should he understand that I was feeling anything other than normal..

Anyway, when we talked about the trip some weeks later, I mentioned how much fun it was. For me to learn to paddle, going beautiful places, etc... He said it was one of the worst times he ever had! I felt so hurt, because he blamed me for it entirely. So much for support.

Lots of people around us every day, those who have never smoked, will think the same way about our quits. But only when it's someone who you are emotionally involved with, does it really show and can be a problem.

Oh, I'm rambling again....

Heike
Reply

duncan
Joined: 07 Jan 2009, 19:12

30 Apr 2001, 15:28 #4

Heike - I bet you'll never forget him saying that either - That's so sad darling - My heart hurt when I read that - I wish I could give you a hug right now - "There's nothing like being up the creek without a paddle" - looks like your emotions were left high and dry - there's nothing worse !
- Love to YOU - Duncan -
PS : I hope better love is finding you Image
Four weeks, 18 hours, 3 minutes and 49 seconds. 718 cigarettes not smoked, saving $255.89. Life saved: 2 days, 11 hours, 50 minutes.
Reply

duncan
Joined: 07 Jan 2009, 19:12

30 Apr 2001, 15:32 #5

Marty - That was so nicely put - what a fab illustration you painted with your house of cards - Thanks Mate - I'm so pleased that you have your quit in perspective in relation to your wife and her feelings about cigarettes - you have one up on me - well done - - Love to you - Duncan -
Reply

Joel
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

13 Sep 2001, 20:07 #6

I have seen it written a few times about people keeping their quits so as not to give the terrorists more victims. But this is saying that a reason to stay off smoking is to make another person unhappy--kind of the opposite of the premise here of quitting to make other people happy. The bottom line reason of a quit should always be to make yourself happy--as well as healthier and living longer. People must quit and stay off in spite of how any one else feels about their quit. So for your benefit say to yourself today that your goal is still to never take another puff!
Reply

Joel
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

22 Oct 2001, 11:07 #7

For Sewquilts:

You can't quit for another person, but bottom line is you cannot go back because of another person either. This quit is your own to keep or lose, it is up to you alone. Do you want to smoke again until it cripples and kills you, or do you want to wait a few days and see where things settle in. Its up to you and you alone. If your decision is to smoke till death you know what to do. If your decision is to choose life--a new life maybe but still life--you should know what to do to. It is taking right now a day at a time and sticking with your commitment to yourself to never take another puff!

Joel
Reply

John (Gold)
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

23 Aug 2002, 05:34 #8

Image
Don't use the expectations
of others as your crutch!
Last edited by John (Gold) on 30 Mar 2009, 01:44, edited 1 time in total.
Reply

John (Gold)
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

11 Nov 2002, 19:44 #9

Let Your List of Reasons for Quitting Be Yours!
Make sure you take a few minutes to write down your list of reasons for wanting to break nicotine's grip upon your life and let the reasons be your reasons.

If you write your list as a short loving letter to you, knowing that you may very well read it during a time of serious challenge when you'll need pumping up and a bit of motivation to make it through the next couple of minutes, it can be a powerful coping tool in time of need.
Reply

John (Gold)
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

27 Dec 2002, 00:59 #10

MIXED REASONS? We all have mixed reasons for quitting and some involve satisfying the desires of those who love us. There is absolutely nothing wrong with our loved ones wanting us to live long and healthy lives, or in us wanting to please them. What causes trouble is when we fail to put our own personal motivations at the very top of our list.

These lungs, veins and the heart pumping life through them, are tended to only by me. I have the power to relapse and continue their destruction or remain free and allow them to experience additional healing. I can climb back aboard nicotine's endless roller-coaster ride of dopamine highs and craving lows (WHERE ARE MY SMOKES!!!), or I can enjoy the profound sense of constant comfort that arrived as my recovery ripened. The ash, oils, packs, money, trips to the store, the cough, hack, weasing and snorning, the colds and illnesses, needless medical bills, and the massive amount of time needed to feed my need, just one puff and the addict is back.

My two daughters were very very hard on me about my smoking and more than once I tried to quit for them and failed. It seemed I could never light-up without the smoke finding them - or so they always said. The "smoke follows beauty" line had lost its punch many years earlier. As they grew older, while smoking I was always forced to walk alone. We couldn't go anywhere together without dad making some excuse to run off to elevate his constantly falling blood serum nicotine level. The ritual was part of our life

Since quitting I've gradually moved closer to my daughters as it was hard for them to take comfort in being close to or hugging someone who always smelled like three packs-a-day. What was worse was the fact that we could not stay engaged in any activity together for longer than my addiction allowed - about 15 minutes. My oldest and I took a long drive and went fishing the other day. We didn't catch anything but it didn't matter. What mattered was that never once were our hours together interrupted by a compelling need for me to smoke nicotine.

Slowly, the hugs are getting a bit bigger and memories longer and richer. Although the benefits are shared with my entire world -- including the air breathed by my dog -- my freedom, comfort and healing are mine. This is life and I won't give it back. The glory belongs to you too! Hold it close and protect it. Like a flushing toilet, just one puff of nicotine and it's gone!
Breathe deep, hug hard, live long! John
Reply