(everyone, 'hi lara')
on feb 19th, 2011, i quit smoking for good after smoking every day (various amounts, but regardless, everyday) for 25 years. i am embracing the ups and downs, and ultimately loving my new life. yes, at times i get a little emotional because living my new life (without the crutch) is a bit scary - so many triggers yet to overcome. i am so excited by my quit (this is the first time i've been successful - ever.) i have tried many times before, and to that end, i might be seen as the "girl who cried wolf". i quit, i relapsed, i quit, i relapsed, i quit, oops, i relapsed...you get the point. this time is very different. it's real. i know i will not take another puff. i am doing this for ME. i am over the 72 hour hump and ready to live my life as a ex-smoker. and so i do, and in the process, i share my story with friends and my boyfriend. not surprisingly, folks are less than interested because i've tried (and failed) so many times before. so they say things like, 'great, good for you' and we're on to the next topic. not that i need constant positive reinforcement - but no one seems to care, except for me. and maybe my dog -
which i guess will have to suffice.
the reason i write is because today, i was slightly devastated. when i showed my boyfriend my quit keeper stats and how much $$ i saved, he said (with humor?) 'so, what are you going to do with all that extra cash, buy more cigarettes?' i was crushed, hurt and didn't know how to respond. why would he say that? i have been nothing but nice during my first 72 hours, not mean or irritable at all. concerned and scared, yes, but nothing to warrant a smart alec comment like that. how is that supportive? anyway, in my past life, i would have gotten up angry, had a smoke, "calmed down" and come back inside (reeking of smoke and shame) and perhaps after that, i might have told him how i felt. ('might' being the operative word...more likely i would have ignored it and gone on with my day...) but i don't have this option anymore. so, stupidly, i packed up my belongings and headed home. i said, 'you know, i have some things i need to do, i'll see you later.' he didn't realize i was upset and said see ya later. i didn't tell him how his words hurt me, i didn't know how.
i would like some support from my friends, but so many of them are active smokers, so i think maybe i might be on my own. i know i am strong enough to do this 'alone', i'm on my own anyway, and i am super grateful for this website. i treasure the information and support i have found here. i read it all the time. it's been instrumental in my quit. this is my last quit. ever. for newbies like me, if you get discouraged, or if you aren't getting the support you had hoped for, please come here, read the posts, because it's beautiful stuff and has really helped me.
ok, thank you for reading. my mantra remains, "breathe life".
so much love to you all, and thank you joel.
p.s. after a few hours, i did tell my partner i was upset. it felt great to come clean with myself and my feelings. i chose to communicate vs. smoking. while i still feel like he's a bit insensitive, at least i honored myself and shared my feelings rationally without turning to my addiction. a HUGE step for me. one i will draw on for a long time. i am watching my baby steps turn into giant leaps. it's very exciting.