Negative support from others

zwan girl3
zwan girl3

July 19th, 2004, 7:04 am #31

Thanks, this one helped particularily today.
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Joel
Joel

August 1st, 2004, 7:27 pm #32

Comments can make you feel bad, for the moment. But comments and actions of others can't hurt you the way you can hurt yourself. Others can temporarily sadden you or anger you, but they can't cause you to relapse. Only you letting down your guard can do that. Relapsing does more than make you feel sad or hurt. Relapsing can make you feel sick, and be sick, and if left to its ultimate conclusion, cigarettes will cripple you and eventually kill you. You are quitting for yourself and the victory and benefits are yours in spite of what anyone else feels. To keep feeling good, because you are keeping yourself well always remember to never take another puff!
Joel
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Pollydoll10
Pollydoll10

August 14th, 2004, 1:53 am #33

thanks a million,that helped me a great deal,you just need reminding sometimes what it is all about,and that is breaking the chain of my family dying of lung cancer thanks all x
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Joel
Joel

August 14th, 2004, 2:59 am #34

What family members and friends often overlook, is quitting smoking too is an effort to save the quitters life. While others may not immediately appreciate that fact, the person quitting has to know it for him or herself. Others may never really appreciate the concept, but the person quitting has to.

One thing I did notice over the years though, while the comment is made often, it is usually from a spouse, a child of the smokers, a friend, a coworker or just an acquaintance. It is much more uncommon that the person expressing it is a parent or even a grandparent. I think that says something. Parents are often used to their kids outbursts and moods, they have experienced them since they were infants. The natural parental instinct is not to hurt them when they are in distress and lash out, but to try to protect them. I think it often carries into adulthood, a pretty positive statement about parenthood.
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Pollydoll10
Pollydoll10

August 19th, 2004, 4:14 pm #35

thanks for your replys,im hanging in there xx
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Joel
Joel

September 19th, 2004, 7:19 pm #36

I saw a comment in a string about how hard it is to lose a smoking buddy. It was in reference to how a person who doesn't quit can feel about the loss of a friend who does quit. In reality, if a friendship is based on anything real, when one friend quits smoking and the other friend continues to smoke, neither friend should feel that he or she now has lost a friend.

If the whole friendship between two people is based upon smoking, it is not a real friendship. There are cases though where people do lose smoking buddies. It was referred to in the original post in this string. Here is an example of how sad it can be to really lose a "smoking buddy":
A tragic situation is often experienced when a person does actually encourage a family member or friend to smoke and then, months, years or decades later, the person dies from a smoking induced illness. Sometimes the family member then feels great guilt and remorse for putting the person back to smoking way back when he or she remembers making the remark. But you know what, he or she didn't do it. The smoker did it him or herself. Because in reality, no matter what any person said, the smoker had to quit for him or herself and stay off for him or herself. How many times did a family member ask you to quit as a smoker and you never listened. Well if you don't quit for them, you don't relapse for them either. You quit for yourself and you stay off for yourself.
Whether or not you ever feel an unnecessary sense of guilt or responsibility for the death of a smoking friend, you are going to feel bad for the loss of that friend if he or she loses his or her life to smoking.

As this article discussed though, you can't make another person smoke or quit. You can however have a potential influence on smokers you care about. You can show your smoking friends and all around you that quitting is possible and that there is life after smoking. This action may turn out to have a beneficial if not live saving aspect for your smoking buddies. It may help them finally realize that they can become non-smoking buddies too. You help to prove this every day to all aroud you as long as you continue to live with your commitment intact to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joanne Gold
Joanne Gold

October 15th, 2004, 12:51 am #37

.......No comment, look or stare from another can undercut your quit. Only you can do that. The way is by simply disregarding the fact that you can never take another puff! Joel
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Joel
Joel

February 23rd, 2005, 10:32 pm #38

I see where one of our new members recognizes how he practiced this kind of behavior recently when a friend of his had quit smoking before he did. It kind of shows how good people can behave like this when under the influence of a drug addiction--doing whatever it takes to protect the integrity of the drug. Once free and clear of the drug people can start to recognize just how much nicotine controlled who they were and how they acted. The realization can be quite enlightening although in some cases a bit disturbing. It is good though to remember the kind of thoughts and practices that you experienced when being an active addict. The more you remember cigarettes for what they were and the more you remember how you were when under their influence the more dedicated you will always stay to your commitment to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

March 20th, 2005, 7:05 am #39

You would be surprised where negative support can come from. Over twenty years ago I had a cardiologist tell one of my clinic graduates that she was gaining too much weight after quitting. He actually told her to just smoke after meals to help. She immediately shot up to her three pack per day addiction and the cardiologist blew up at her and said he didn't want to be her doctor anymore if she was going to smoke so much. The man did not even recognize he prescribed the relapse to her. Needless to say, I found out about it when she came in to quit again and was under the care of another cardiologist.
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chel
chel

May 23rd, 2006, 5:59 pm #40

I so appreciate the support from this group I dont get any at home I have been quit for 2 Months, 1 Week, 3 Days, 4 hours, 59 minutes and 2 seconds (71 days). I have saved £185.13 by not smoking 712 cigarettes. I have saved 2 Days, 11 hours and 20 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 13/03/2006 06:00
Last edited by chel on April 1st, 2009, 11:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joel
Joel

July 21st, 2006, 6:55 am #41

Whatever the situation, keep focused that you are quitting for yourself and whether or not any specific person supports your effort you are behind it. We are behind you too. You will not find a single soul here who will tell you to go back to smoking. We all recognize the significance of the effort. You are fighting for your health and your life. To win that fight, no matter what, never take another puff!

Joel
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Neena393
Neena393

July 21st, 2006, 7:26 am #42

This is why I so appreciate having a place to come when I'm struggling. I know that what I'm saying and feeling can be understood.
So often well meaning people (who have never struggled with addiction) say the wrong thing. My own loved ones have said things in the past that have made me give up. If they only knew how I cried and felt defeated. Of course I was headed for defeat anyway. I was trying the cut down method.

Now its different: If I run into any negative
I will come here for a bunch of positive. So Thank you!!!!
Neena393
I have been quit for 4 Days, 24 minutes and 55 seconds (4 days). I have saved $9.64 by not smoking 48 cigarettes. I have saved 4 hours of my life. My Quit Date: 7/16/2006 4:00 PM
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JoeJFree Gold
JoeJFree Gold

August 12th, 2006, 4:55 am #43

Whatever the situation, keep focused that you are quitting for yourself and whether or not any specific person supports your effort you are behind it. We are behind you too. You will not find a single soul here who will tell you to go back to smoking. We all recognize the significance of the effort. You are fighting for your health and your life. To win that fight, no matter what, never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

August 15th, 2006, 12:50 am #44

In case any of our members are in social circles where smoking is still the norm, this is a good string to prepare them on how to face pressures to smoke that may still exist.
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Joel
Joel

November 15th, 2006, 10:38 am #45

Dealing with people who try to undercut your quit dialup
6.52mb
Highspeed
19.52mb
Time:
17:42
Date added 11/12/06
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tcouch0
tcouch0

December 21st, 2006, 4:34 am #46

Negative comments from others are simply excuses for them to continue smoking.
A couple weeks ago I coughed up blood in my phlegm twice and it scared me so bad that after smoking for 23 years I quit cold turkey after numerous previously failed attempts. My mother's father (my grandfather) is dying of lung cancer right now. I told my mother I coughed up blood and quit smoking. She has been smoking for 45 years and she said I did need to quit more than her because she never coughed up blood in her phlegm before. I thought I would motivate her to quit also, but she just minimized her smoking habit.
Next week I go in for a chest x-ray. I fear lung cancer. I hope it is not too late, and that I quit in time. I also hope that my mother does not wait too long to quit... or it may be too late. I am too scared to ever take another puff.
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Jazzlady4
Jazzlady4

December 21st, 2006, 5:38 am #47

I hope your testing goes well for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I smoked for 43 years, and somehow thought nothing bad would ever happen to me. So far, I am still ok. If your Mom thinks she can't quit, let her know another old lady quit, and is loving being a ex-smoker.

Jazzlady - Free and Healing for Three Months, Twelve Days, 17 Hours and 46 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 7 Days and 4 Hours, by avoiding the use of 2075 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $367.77.
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tcouch0
tcouch0

December 21st, 2006, 6:26 am #48

Thank you JazzLady, I appreciate the thoughts and prayers.
My mother could die from smoking, but I hope not. I hope my quitting will encourage her, but I have to be successful or it will backfire. She probably won't believe I can do it until at least one year goes by.
Oh, and I will let her know she would not be the only 40+ years smoker in the world to quit.
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Joel
Joel

March 27th, 2008, 3:36 am #49

Video Title Dial Up High Speed MP3 Audio Length Created
Telling others that you have quit smoking 2.53mb 7.58mb 4.07mb 08:57 10/17/06
Talking to others about not smoking 5.60mb 16.8mb 6.92mb 15:13 11/19/06
Dealing with people who try to undercut your quit 6.52mb 19.5mb 8.05mb 17:42 11/12/06
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Joined: January 16th, 2003, 8:00 am

August 29th, 2008, 6:41 am #50

From: Joel. Sent: 3/25/2001 8:28 AM
I just came across this thread and realized it was a good response to the post yesterday about comments and observations of others. Hope this helps people affected by these situations. Comments can make you feel bad, for the moment. But comments and actions of others can't hurt you the way you can hurt yourself. Others can temporarily sadden you or anger you, but they can't cause you to relapse. Only you letting down your guard can do that. Relapsing does more than make you feel sad or hurt. Relapsing can make you feel sick, and be sick, and if left to its ultimate conclusion, cigarettes will cripple you and eventually kill you. You are quitting for yourself and the victory and benefits are yours in spite of what anyone else feels. To keep feeling good, because you are keeping yourself well always remember to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

September 26th, 2008, 4:48 am #51

Comments can make you feel bad, for the moment. But comments and actions of others can't hurt you the way you can hurt yourself. Others can temporarily sadden you or anger you, but they can't cause you to relapse. Only you letting down your guard can do that. Relapsing does more than make you feel sad or hurt. Relapsing can make you feel sick, and be sick, and if left to its ultimate conclusion, cigarettes will cripple you and eventually kill you. You are quitting for yourself and the victory and benefits are yours in spite of what anyone else feels. To keep feeling good, because you are keeping yourself well always remember to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joined: January 16th, 2003, 8:00 am

December 21st, 2008, 11:45 pm #52

Whatever the situation, keep focused that you are quitting for yourself and whether or not any specific person supports your effort you are behind it. We are behind you too. You will not find a single soul here who will tell you to go back to smoking. We all recognize the significance of the effort. You are fighting for your health and your life. To win that fight, no matter what, never take another puff!

Joel
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Joined: November 13th, 2008, 2:04 pm

January 2nd, 2011, 2:51 pm #53

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LLJ
LLJ

February 27th, 2011, 3:12 am #54

hi everyone, (everyone, 'hi lara') on feb 19th, 2011, i quit smoking for good after smoking every day (various amounts, but regardless, everyday) for 25 years. i am embracing the ups and downs, and ultimately loving  my new life. yes, at times i get a little emotional because living my new life (without the crutch) is a bit scary - so many triggers yet to overcome. i am so excited by my quit (this is the first time i've been successful - ever.) i have tried many times before, and to that end, i might be seen as the "girl who cried wolf". i quit, i relapsed, i quit, i relapsed, i quit, oops, i relapsed...you get the point. this time is very different. it's real. i know i will not take another puff. i am doing this for ME. i am over the 72 hour hump and ready to live my life as a ex-smoker. and so i do, and in the process, i share my story with friends and my boyfriend. not surprisingly, folks are less than interested because i've tried (and failed) so many times before. so they say things like, 'great, good for you' and we're on to the next topic. not that i need constant positive reinforcement - but no one seems to care, except for me. and maybe my dog -  which i guess will have to suffice. 


the reason i write is because today, i was slightly devastated. when i showed my boyfriend my quit keeper stats and how much $$ i saved, he said (with humor?) 'so, what are you going to do with all that extra cash, buy more cigarettes?' i was crushed, hurt and didn't know how to respond. why would he say that? i have been nothing but nice during my first 72 hours, not mean or irritable at all. concerned and scared, yes, but nothing to warrant a smart alec comment like that. how is that supportive? anyway, in my past life, i would have gotten up angry, had a smoke, "calmed down" and come back inside (reeking of smoke and shame) and perhaps after that, i might have told him how i felt. ('might' being the operative word...more likely i would have ignored it and gone on with my day...) but i don't have this option anymore. so, stupidly, i packed up my belongings and headed home. i said, 'you know, i have some things i need to do, i'll see you later.' he didn't realize i was upset and said see ya later. i didn't tell him how his words hurt me, i didn't know how. 
 
i would like some support from my friends, but so many of them are active smokers, so i think maybe i might be on my own. i know i am strong enough to do this 'alone', i'm on my own anyway, and i am super grateful for this website. i treasure the information and support i have found here. i read it all the time. it's been instrumental in my quit. this is my last quit. ever. for newbies like me, if you get discouraged, or if you aren't getting the support you had hoped for, please come here, read the posts, because it's beautiful stuff and has really helped me. 
 
ok, thank you for reading. my mantra remains, "breathe life". 
so much love to you all, and thank you joel. 
lara


p.s. after a few hours, i did tell my partner i was upset. it felt great to come clean with myself and my feelings. i chose to communicate vs. smoking. while i still feel like he's a bit insensitive, at least i honored myself and shared my feelings rationally without turning to my addiction. a HUGE step for me. one i will draw on for a long time. i am watching my baby steps turn into giant leaps. it's very exciting. 
Last edited by LLJ on February 27th, 2011, 3:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
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