Negative support from others

Random Guy
Random Guy

September 16th, 2002, 5:56 am #21

I'm glad to know that it's not just my family that does this, whether intentionally or not. A few minutes ago, my wife, a non-smoker, said that our daughter had her on the verge of smoking to calm down (typical teenager stuff). She couldn't realize that this would have an effect on me, but it did. It was saying to me, so of course you want to smoke to make this situation all better, don't you?
I just kind of ignored the comment.
But yesterday, my wife told me of a conversation she had with my mother. My mother told my wife that years ago, when my father would attempt to quit, when he wasn't the laid-back happy guy in the first few days, my mother would say, Please, please smoke. And he did.

I told my wife that if that's true, then my mother killed my father. Really, my father killed himself. Just like my mother couldn't make him stop, she couldn't make him relapse. We are in control of our selves. That is the most imoortant thing to remember, for me right now. I am in control.
6 Days, 22 hours, 34 minutes, Spent 43.42 on funner healthier stuff, chose not to smoke 159 disgusting butts, and saved 13 hours 15 minutes of this rollercoaster ride called life.
cowabunga
rg
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Joel
Joel

September 16th, 2002, 6:33 am #22

My Support Group is Responsible! 16 4 Joel. 9/15/2002 5:32 PM
Quitting for Others 15 0 Joel. 9/15/2002 5:32 PM
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OBob Gold
OBob Gold

September 22nd, 2002, 12:53 pm #23

"I am going to touch on the comment from one more angle. Sometimes when you were a smoker and someone does something inconsiderate or wrong that angers you and you are about to take it on, you have a sudden almost uncontrollable urge to smoke. That urge, induced by the urine acidity all of a sudden takes precedence over dealing with the person and issue at hand, and sends you off in pursuit for a cigarette. This momentary venture gives you a cooling off period and at times, you may even let the whole event slide, feeling it is not worth even mentioning now. Consider this behavior from the other person's perspective. He or she may not even know that he or she did something offensive, and even if it is recognized, paid no penalty for the infraction. "
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

January 2nd, 2003, 11:33 pm #24


The junkie mind is capable of inviting negative support. I was an expert at it. In fact, I could get so down right mean that my loved ones would offer to go purchase my relapse nicotine for me. I was a drug addict and I was good at finding excuses to get my drug back. What I did was not only wrong but extremely unfair to, and insensitive of, my loved ones. I became so irritable that I made them willing to accept by addiction on my terms.
The next few minutes are doable!
Last edited by John (Gold) on April 1st, 2009, 11:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
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gramelaine
gramelaine

July 21st, 2003, 10:43 am #25

Thanks Joel. I have read everything you recommended plus some. On an intellectual level I know and understand everything I've read. When I first stumbled onto this site it all made so much sense to me and just rang true - I wish I would have found it sooner. There are times, however, when emotionally you just want to cry and blurt out feelings. I am very grateful for all I have learned here and believe it will make the difference and give me the tools I need to stay nicotine free.

Elaine
Last edited by gramelaine on April 1st, 2009, 11:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
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rllothringer
rllothringer

September 25th, 2003, 4:05 am #26

This post reminds me that I need to thank my wife, and do something nice for her.

She was supportive without being pushy.
She was patient.
She never made me make a choice. (I'll get to this in a second).
She backed off when I needed space.
She didn't back off when I needed help.

Contrast my wife with her coworker...

Her coworker's husband was 3 days into a quit, when she walked in, put a pack of cigarettes on the kitchen counter, and told him to either start smoking again or get a divorce.

I can't think of something so horrible for someone to do. Yes, I imagine he was a bit of a pain in the posterior. I know I was. But should SHE have given up so soon on him?

When I think of that, I keep thinking of my wife, and how wonderful she was to me when I was probably not so wonderful to her in those early days of the quit. I pray that every ex-smoker receives that kind of support.
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Joel
Joel

January 25th, 2004, 8:11 pm #27

It seems that at the moment that we have a few people who are experiencing negative reactions from others. I suspect a lot of people who made New Year's resolutions to quit smoking who have already lost their quits are doing some pretty good rationalizations now of why quitting was a bad idea. Don't let others pull you into their rationalizations with such nonsense. If you keep seeing smoking for what it was and remembering smoking the way it was in its entirety you will stay forever reinforced in your desire to never take another puff! Joel
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Astonished04
Astonished04

January 28th, 2004, 2:30 pm #28

I'd like to make a couple of quick comments to this, as it has been an issue as of lately.

1.) Know who to EXPECT negative comments from.

For example, when I told my own mother I had quit, she said, "Well, I tried everything to get you not to start. I told you so, I told you so. Now you are finally listening to me." Need I say this is NOT GOOD to say to someone in withdrawal! HOWEVER, why would I expect anything else from Mrs. Negativity? (No offense to mom!)

2.) [Most] other smokers don't want you to quit!

Admit it! You've been there... at some point in your smoking career, one of your smoking buddies quit and you secretly wished they hadn't of because you have to smoke alone or now you are being forced to think about the issue, etc.

This is only a personal observation (always rely on the experts)

Astonished04
3 weeks, 1 hour, 30 minutes
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Angelicrosegonegreen1
Angelicrosegonegreen1

April 11th, 2004, 6:29 pm #29

Wow - did this post ever hit the mark tonight! A few days ago at work I really got mad (well mad for me.....not really fierce but very surprising for me ) at someone who has definately been wronging me.
I told the guy that I was not going to put up with what he was doing, blah, blah, blah, and after he said what he wanted, we left work without speaking.
Usually I know that if I was smoking that I would have brushed his behavior off - again, and nothing would have come of it. So needless to say I felt very good for having stuck up for myself. But then after a while I felt very guilty. I started to feel sorry for him because he is an obese person and VERY negative about everything. He just doesnt seem to be a happy camper! Anyway, I am trying not to go in any detail here because I know this isnt a forum for venting our personal little tragedies .
Do you have any suggested reading about that?? I went ahead and faced the problem and now feel like I should apologize and say it was because of quitting.
It is kind of like losing yourself. I dont quite know what my new "non-smoker" response should be.

Kathleen
I've been quit for 1 month, 9 days, 7 hours, 12 minutes and 22 seconds (39 days).
I've not smoked 590 death sticks, and saved $259.80.
I've saved 2 day(s), 1 hour(s) of my life.
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Joel
Joel

April 17th, 2004, 1:21 am #30

Comments can make you feel bad, for the moment. But comments and actions of others can't hurt you the way you can hurt yourself. Others can temporarily sadden you or anger you, but they can't cause you to relapse. Only you letting down your guard can do that. Relapsing does more than make you feel sad or hurt. Relapsing can make you feel sick, and be sick, and if left to its ultimate conclusion, cigarettes will cripple you and eventually kill you. You are quitting for yourself and the victory and benefits are yours in spite of what anyone else feels. To keep feeling good, because you are keeping yourself well always remember to never take another puff!
Joel
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zwan girl3
zwan girl3

July 19th, 2004, 7:04 am #31

Thanks, this one helped particularily today.
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Joel
Joel

August 1st, 2004, 7:27 pm #32

Comments can make you feel bad, for the moment. But comments and actions of others can't hurt you the way you can hurt yourself. Others can temporarily sadden you or anger you, but they can't cause you to relapse. Only you letting down your guard can do that. Relapsing does more than make you feel sad or hurt. Relapsing can make you feel sick, and be sick, and if left to its ultimate conclusion, cigarettes will cripple you and eventually kill you. You are quitting for yourself and the victory and benefits are yours in spite of what anyone else feels. To keep feeling good, because you are keeping yourself well always remember to never take another puff!
Joel
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Pollydoll10
Pollydoll10

August 14th, 2004, 1:53 am #33

thanks a million,that helped me a great deal,you just need reminding sometimes what it is all about,and that is breaking the chain of my family dying of lung cancer thanks all x
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Joel
Joel

August 14th, 2004, 2:59 am #34

What family members and friends often overlook, is quitting smoking too is an effort to save the quitters life. While others may not immediately appreciate that fact, the person quitting has to know it for him or herself. Others may never really appreciate the concept, but the person quitting has to.

One thing I did notice over the years though, while the comment is made often, it is usually from a spouse, a child of the smokers, a friend, a coworker or just an acquaintance. It is much more uncommon that the person expressing it is a parent or even a grandparent. I think that says something. Parents are often used to their kids outbursts and moods, they have experienced them since they were infants. The natural parental instinct is not to hurt them when they are in distress and lash out, but to try to protect them. I think it often carries into adulthood, a pretty positive statement about parenthood.
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Pollydoll10
Pollydoll10

August 19th, 2004, 4:14 pm #35

thanks for your replys,im hanging in there xx
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Joel
Joel

September 19th, 2004, 7:19 pm #36

I saw a comment in a string about how hard it is to lose a smoking buddy. It was in reference to how a person who doesn't quit can feel about the loss of a friend who does quit. In reality, if a friendship is based on anything real, when one friend quits smoking and the other friend continues to smoke, neither friend should feel that he or she now has lost a friend.

If the whole friendship between two people is based upon smoking, it is not a real friendship. There are cases though where people do lose smoking buddies. It was referred to in the original post in this string. Here is an example of how sad it can be to really lose a "smoking buddy":
A tragic situation is often experienced when a person does actually encourage a family member or friend to smoke and then, months, years or decades later, the person dies from a smoking induced illness. Sometimes the family member then feels great guilt and remorse for putting the person back to smoking way back when he or she remembers making the remark. But you know what, he or she didn't do it. The smoker did it him or herself. Because in reality, no matter what any person said, the smoker had to quit for him or herself and stay off for him or herself. How many times did a family member ask you to quit as a smoker and you never listened. Well if you don't quit for them, you don't relapse for them either. You quit for yourself and you stay off for yourself.
Whether or not you ever feel an unnecessary sense of guilt or responsibility for the death of a smoking friend, you are going to feel bad for the loss of that friend if he or she loses his or her life to smoking.

As this article discussed though, you can't make another person smoke or quit. You can however have a potential influence on smokers you care about. You can show your smoking friends and all around you that quitting is possible and that there is life after smoking. This action may turn out to have a beneficial if not live saving aspect for your smoking buddies. It may help them finally realize that they can become non-smoking buddies too. You help to prove this every day to all aroud you as long as you continue to live with your commitment intact to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joanne Gold
Joanne Gold

October 15th, 2004, 12:51 am #37

.......No comment, look or stare from another can undercut your quit. Only you can do that. The way is by simply disregarding the fact that you can never take another puff! Joel
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Joel
Joel

February 23rd, 2005, 10:32 pm #38

I see where one of our new members recognizes how he practiced this kind of behavior recently when a friend of his had quit smoking before he did. It kind of shows how good people can behave like this when under the influence of a drug addiction--doing whatever it takes to protect the integrity of the drug. Once free and clear of the drug people can start to recognize just how much nicotine controlled who they were and how they acted. The realization can be quite enlightening although in some cases a bit disturbing. It is good though to remember the kind of thoughts and practices that you experienced when being an active addict. The more you remember cigarettes for what they were and the more you remember how you were when under their influence the more dedicated you will always stay to your commitment to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

March 20th, 2005, 7:05 am #39

You would be surprised where negative support can come from. Over twenty years ago I had a cardiologist tell one of my clinic graduates that she was gaining too much weight after quitting. He actually told her to just smoke after meals to help. She immediately shot up to her three pack per day addiction and the cardiologist blew up at her and said he didn't want to be her doctor anymore if she was going to smoke so much. The man did not even recognize he prescribed the relapse to her. Needless to say, I found out about it when she came in to quit again and was under the care of another cardiologist.
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chel
chel

May 23rd, 2006, 5:59 pm #40

I so appreciate the support from this group I dont get any at home I have been quit for 2 Months, 1 Week, 3 Days, 4 hours, 59 minutes and 2 seconds (71 days). I have saved £185.13 by not smoking 712 cigarettes. I have saved 2 Days, 11 hours and 20 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 13/03/2006 06:00
Last edited by chel on April 1st, 2009, 11:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joel
Joel

July 21st, 2006, 6:55 am #41

Whatever the situation, keep focused that you are quitting for yourself and whether or not any specific person supports your effort you are behind it. We are behind you too. You will not find a single soul here who will tell you to go back to smoking. We all recognize the significance of the effort. You are fighting for your health and your life. To win that fight, no matter what, never take another puff!

Joel
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Neena393
Neena393

July 21st, 2006, 7:26 am #42

This is why I so appreciate having a place to come when I'm struggling. I know that what I'm saying and feeling can be understood.
So often well meaning people (who have never struggled with addiction) say the wrong thing. My own loved ones have said things in the past that have made me give up. If they only knew how I cried and felt defeated. Of course I was headed for defeat anyway. I was trying the cut down method.

Now its different: If I run into any negative
I will come here for a bunch of positive. So Thank you!!!!
Neena393
I have been quit for 4 Days, 24 minutes and 55 seconds (4 days). I have saved $9.64 by not smoking 48 cigarettes. I have saved 4 hours of my life. My Quit Date: 7/16/2006 4:00 PM
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JoeJFree Gold
JoeJFree Gold

August 12th, 2006, 4:55 am #43

Whatever the situation, keep focused that you are quitting for yourself and whether or not any specific person supports your effort you are behind it. We are behind you too. You will not find a single soul here who will tell you to go back to smoking. We all recognize the significance of the effort. You are fighting for your health and your life. To win that fight, no matter what, never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

August 15th, 2006, 12:50 am #44

In case any of our members are in social circles where smoking is still the norm, this is a good string to prepare them on how to face pressures to smoke that may still exist.
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Joel
Joel

November 15th, 2006, 10:38 am #45

Dealing with people who try to undercut your quit dialup
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Highspeed
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Time:
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Date added 11/12/06
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