Negative support from others

Random Guy
Joined: 07 Jan 2009, 18:58

16 Sep 2002, 05:56 #21

I'm glad to know that it's not just my family that does this, whether intentionally or not. A few minutes ago, my wife, a non-smoker, said that our daughter had her on the verge of smoking to calm down (typical teenager stuff). She couldn't realize that this would have an effect on me, but it did. It was saying to me, so of course you want to smoke to make this situation all better, don't you?
I just kind of ignored the comment.
But yesterday, my wife told me of a conversation she had with my mother. My mother told my wife that years ago, when my father would attempt to quit, when he wasn't the laid-back happy guy in the first few days, my mother would say, Please, please smoke. And he did.

I told my wife that if that's true, then my mother killed my father. Really, my father killed himself. Just like my mother couldn't make him stop, she couldn't make him relapse. We are in control of our selves. That is the most imoortant thing to remember, for me right now. I am in control.
6 Days, 22 hours, 34 minutes, Spent 43.42 on funner healthier stuff, chose not to smoke 159 disgusting butts, and saved 13 hours 15 minutes of this rollercoaster ride called life.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

16 Sep 2002, 06:33 #22

My Support Group is Responsible! 16 4 Joel. 9/15/2002 5:32 PM
Quitting for Others 15 0 Joel. 9/15/2002 5:32 PM

OBob Gold
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

22 Sep 2002, 12:53 #23

"I am going to touch on the comment from one more angle. Sometimes when you were a smoker and someone does something inconsiderate or wrong that angers you and you are about to take it on, you have a sudden almost uncontrollable urge to smoke. That urge, induced by the urine acidity all of a sudden takes precedence over dealing with the person and issue at hand, and sends you off in pursuit for a cigarette. This momentary venture gives you a cooling off period and at times, you may even let the whole event slide, feeling it is not worth even mentioning now. Consider this behavior from the other person's perspective. He or she may not even know that he or she did something offensive, and even if it is recognized, paid no penalty for the infraction. "

John (Gold)
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

02 Jan 2003, 23:33 #24


The junkie mind is capable of inviting negative support. I was an expert at it. In fact, I could get so down right mean that my loved ones would offer to go purchase my relapse nicotine for me. I was a drug addict and I was good at finding excuses to get my drug back. What I did was not only wrong but extremely unfair to, and insensitive of, my loved ones. I became so irritable that I made them willing to accept by addiction on my terms.
The next few minutes are doable!
Last edited by John (Gold) on 01 Apr 2009, 11:49, edited 1 time in total.

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 01:47

21 Jul 2003, 10:43 #25

Thanks Joel. I have read everything you recommended plus some. On an intellectual level I know and understand everything I've read. When I first stumbled onto this site it all made so much sense to me and just rang true - I wish I would have found it sooner. There are times, however, when emotionally you just want to cry and blurt out feelings. I am very grateful for all I have learned here and believe it will make the difference and give me the tools I need to stay nicotine free.

Last edited by gramelaine on 01 Apr 2009, 11:43, edited 1 time in total.

Joined: 07 Jan 2009, 18:58

25 Sep 2003, 04:05 #26

This post reminds me that I need to thank my wife, and do something nice for her.

She was supportive without being pushy.
She was patient.
She never made me make a choice. (I'll get to this in a second).
She backed off when I needed space.
She didn't back off when I needed help.

Contrast my wife with her coworker...

Her coworker's husband was 3 days into a quit, when she walked in, put a pack of cigarettes on the kitchen counter, and told him to either start smoking again or get a divorce.

I can't think of something so horrible for someone to do. Yes, I imagine he was a bit of a pain in the posterior. I know I was. But should SHE have given up so soon on him?

When I think of that, I keep thinking of my wife, and how wonderful she was to me when I was probably not so wonderful to her in those early days of the quit. I pray that every ex-smoker receives that kind of support.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

25 Jan 2004, 20:11 #27

Image It seems that at the moment that we have a few people who are experiencing negative reactions from others. I suspect a lot of people who made New Year's resolutions to quit smoking who have already lost their quits are doing some pretty good rationalizations now of why quitting was a bad idea. Don't let others pull you into their rationalizations with such nonsense. If you keep seeing smoking for what it was and remembering smoking the way it was in its entirety you will stay forever reinforced in your desire to never take another puff! Joel

Joined: 07 Jan 2009, 18:58

28 Jan 2004, 14:30 #28

I'd like to make a couple of quick comments to this, as it has been an issue as of lately.

1.) Know who to EXPECT negative comments from.

For example, when I told my own mother I had quit, she said, "Well, I tried everything to get you not to start. I told you so, I told you so. Now you are finally listening to me." Need I say this is NOT GOOD to say to someone in withdrawal! Image HOWEVER, why would I expect anything else from Mrs. Negativity? (No offense to mom!)

2.) [Most] other smokers don't want you to quit!

Admit it! You've been there... at some point in your smoking career, one of your smoking buddies quit and you secretly wished they hadn't of because you have to smoke alone or now you are being forced to think about the issue, etc.

This is only a personal observation (always rely on the experts) Image

3 weeks, 1 hour, 30 minutes

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

11 Apr 2004, 18:29 #29

Wow - did this post ever hit the mark tonight! A few days ago at work I really got mad (well mad for me.....not really fierce but very surprising for me ) at someone who has definately been wronging me.
I told the guy that I was not going to put up with what he was doing, blah, blah, blah, and after he said what he wanted, we left work without speaking.
Usually I know that if I was smoking that I would have brushed his behavior off - again, and nothing would have come of it. So needless to say I felt very good for having stuck up for myself. But then after a while I felt very guilty. I started to feel sorry for him because he is an obese person and VERY negative about everything. He just doesnt seem to be a happy camper! Anyway, I am trying not to go in any detail here because I know this isnt a forum for venting our personal little tragedies .
Do you have any suggested reading about that?? I went ahead and faced the problem and now feel like I should apologize and say it was because of quitting.
It is kind of like losing yourself. I dont quite know what my new "non-smoker" response should be.

I've been quit for 1 month, 9 days, 7 hours, 12 minutes and 22 seconds (39 days).
I've not smoked 590 death sticks, and saved $259.80.
I've saved 2 day(s), 1 hour(s) of my life.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

17 Apr 2004, 01:21 #30

Comments can make you feel bad, for the moment. But comments and actions of others can't hurt you the way you can hurt yourself. Others can temporarily sadden you or anger you, but they can't cause you to relapse. Only you letting down your guard can do that. Relapsing does more than make you feel sad or hurt. Relapsing can make you feel sick, and be sick, and if left to its ultimate conclusion, cigarettes will cripple you and eventually kill you. You are quitting for yourself and the victory and benefits are yours in spite of what anyone else feels. To keep feeling good, because you are keeping yourself well always remember to never take another puff!