Ladybird is Gold
Ladybird is Gold

March 16th, 2002, 10:17 pm #11

I have three friends who quit shortly after I did. My close female friend (& co-worker) who I smoked most often with, her boyfriend & another good male friend. All is them have since given in & had a few puffs. The boyfriend gave in after one week & admitted it to my friend & I after another week had passed. My female friend had a few cigarettes last weekend when drinking & so did my male friend (same situation). All of them have told me (with guilt?) about their relapses. None of them are back to regular smoking again, but I feel that these relapses do show that it is really difficult to quit (it reinforces for me that I have done very hard time quitting & I don't want to go back through all that again). I know on a past quit for me I started with the idea that I could just have a few "social cigarettes" (strange concept) & it lead me back to smoking as much (& more than before). It was also another 2 years before I quit again (that is this quit!)
Anyway, I am staying very strong & I know I will never take another puff!
Susan
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Joel
Joel

March 16th, 2002, 11:50 pm #12

Hello Susan:

Continue to watch these people over time. The odds are great that they will soon be smoking as much as ever, although hiding it as well as they can. When I do corporate clinics where people have long-term contact with each other, you often see one person "slip," give the impression that all is under control, getting the others to think that "slipping" is a harmless option, and in a short time period a whole bunch of people chain smoking uncontrollably--including the original person who every one thought kept it control. All because they played a game of follow the leader--and their leader was blind to the true addictive nature of nicotine. Whatever the outcome for your friends, your quit will stay secure as long as you know to never take another puff!

Joel

Related reading:
Buddy Systems
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Ladybird is Gold
Ladybird is Gold

March 17th, 2002, 1:27 pm #13

Joel,
Thanks for your reply. I unfortunately had the same thought (soon it will be just one pack, just on weekends, just half what they smoked before . . . I can fill in the blanks from a previous experience of quitting) when I knew of the relapses of my friends.
I am holding my quit much more tightly then they did. The big difference between them & me (besides the relapses) is I have found the support & knowledge of Freedom & I rely on it everyday! It reminds me of why I can never take another puff!
Green is grand!
Susan
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MSN User
MSN User

March 18th, 2002, 6:41 am #14

Susan ,, OOOOO negative support from others eh .. I know all about that .. lol My Hubby and mum have been on hand since I quit ready to give me the sympathetic ciggie and waiting to say .. "awww well never mind at least you tried ,you did well staying off them as long as you did ,I couldnt have lasted that long ,here have one of mine I know its not ya usual brand but it will make ya feel better" !!! get the picture .. lol .. hee hee .. silly billys .. They are finally taking me seriously now .. Actually discouraging me from relapsing now " i have lasted this long" .. its like they didnt expect me to go as long as i have .Now i have entered my third week they have some faith in me and can see how serious i am about my quit .. I did consider relapsing .. got this voice in my head .. prob my mums and hubbys ..lol .it said" never mind it dont matter ,so what if you smoke .. they do .. go on you are miserable ..everyone you know accepts you as a smoker so they wont care.. hmmmmm well I fought back real hard .. told this negative voice " actually I CARE,, i like smelling nice and being fresh ,i like to wake up everyday and take my time in the mornings ( not rushing to get the ciggie lit before i can function) i like the way i can taste my coffee and have time to sit and eat brekkie , i like the fact that my breath is fresh .. i like to go to the cinema and manage to sit through a whole film without itching to go stand out in the cold halfway through the film.. i like the way my car smells fresh , i like the fact that wen my kids hug me they say " oo mum you smell like the washpowder" ,. (it smells lovely does our washpowder ,by the way) "
My hubby and i quit the same day .. he lasted from 7 am .. till 4 pm ( same day ) i had managed to get to 6 pm by the time i knew he had bought a pack .. but i thought this is my quit not his .. if he wants to blow his .. thats up to himbut hes not spoiling mine .. and here i am 2 weeks 4 days 4 hours 43 mins 42 secs .. wow look at those stats .. spooky all those 4 ,,s .. oooooooooo twilight zone or what .. hee hee.. hope this posts i know its long .. sorry to the managers .. i will try cut it down in future .. i just get so carried away .. more like i natter too much .. mwaaaaah Milly
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Willow (Green)
Willow (Green)

March 18th, 2002, 1:07 pm #15

Thank you, I really needed to read this right now! Lets just say, that I not so tactfully told a co-worker (which was the one who said it most) "If one more person comes up to me and says..I am sorry to hear you quit smoking, I won't get to spend break with you anymore. Or any other such comments, I am going to kick there a** because I think it is rude and I can't believe they are SORRY that I am no longer killing myself daily! Ofcourse she just stared in shock at me and didn't say a word.

So, thank you. I really needed this thread!

Willow P.S. I am not a mean spirited person but those comments I got from people I thought cared for me...really made me see RED!!
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Ladybird is Gold
Ladybird is Gold

March 18th, 2002, 7:09 pm #16

Good for you Willow for being assertive! The only comment I heard so far that irked me was "That's right, you quit, you can't smoke now" to which I said "I chose not to smoke, you have no choice today, you must smoke because you are addicted". I think that made em think!
Stay strong!
Susan
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Alyson GOLD.ffn
Alyson GOLD.ffn

July 3rd, 2002, 9:16 am #17

I was just pondering this very thing. Today I got an email: "You hang in there. I am proud of you. You need to know I will still love you if you smoke". I'm not sure what to think of that. What do the rest of you think are the sender's intentions, consciously and/or unconsciously? (As part of this quit journey, I've begun asserting myself more with this person and really begun establishing boundaries, somewhat to her chagrin I am aware.)

I have not responded - not sure how to respond - maybe "uh, I'll need all the love I can get to ease my suffering when I die young from a painful smoking induced disease."

Alyson

8 DAYS - Oh my!!!!!!!!!!
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OBob Gold
OBob Gold

July 3rd, 2002, 9:34 am #18

Hard to say without more background Alyson. They could be the best of intentions, based in ignorance of the realities of addiction. In that case, you might provide some of Joel's articles to help them understand what you already do. My wife used to reward me when I didn't smoke for a day by hiding a cigarette around the house somewhere, and then giving it to me as a reward for getting through the day without smoking. I can assure you her intentions were good. Like many, she simply didn't know the repurcussions to what she was doing (and what I did in response... namely, smoke it).

If it's a statement of a lack of faith in your ability to stay quit, I wouldn't take it personally. People get jaded with addicts. They get used to being disappointed by addicts. She's probably seen you try and fail in the past. Or, if not, she's likely seen many others try in the absence of education and fail. She may have seen people try "quitting" by administering nicotine through a patch, or through gum, and seen them fail, and perhaps she believes only superhumans can quit because of this.

Again, maybe the best response is to share some of the knowledge you've gained here, and explain how that knowledge is helping you. How, the understanding of this addiction for what it is, and the corresponding knowledge that the nature of the addiction forbids ever using the drug again, has opened your eyes.

At the end of the day, there is only one way to prove to people that you can quit, and that is to do it permanently by never taking another puff. She still may not be impressed (ask Marty about his wife's reaction to his success). Still, the personal rewards for quitting (health, longer life, better smell, more money, higher self-esteem) are greater than any acknowledgement your friend may or may not provide.

YQB,

Bob (5m, 3w, 6d)
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Lexi
Lexi

July 3rd, 2002, 11:44 am #19

Glad to see this subject- I just quit five days ago and have already experienced some of this- a co-worker actually thrust a lit cigarette in my direction and encouraged me to "Just go on and smoke it, here. You won't make it anyway." Much to my surprise, I had zero desire to give in. If anything, it strengthened my resolve. He showed his true colors and I was disappointed.
Today, I called my sister and got my new brother-in-law instead. He asked how my doc. appt. was and I told him I have a headache from grinding my teeth that's lasted a few days now. He also encouraged me to smoke (to alleviate the pain, he said)! Thanks to you all and Joel's info., I know that most certainly will NOT solve the problem. Knowledge is such a powerful tool! Thanks to all for giving it! No one can take our quits from us- we are too smart to smoke anymore!
YQS, Lexi 5d, 1h, 41m I've refrained from 102 cigarettes!
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David Gold
David Gold

July 3rd, 2002, 11:53 am #20

Joel,

Thanks for everything. I have a coworker who I believe is jealous of the fact that I am having success at this. He puts cigs at my work station to try and tempt me. I have found that if I go and watch him smoke at break it just resolves my quit in my mind that much more. most people at break will smoke 2 in a row so they won't go through withdrawl before the next break comes along. They will also sneak in between breaks as well. I know how they feel. I was them. NOT ANYMORE. NOT EVER AGAIN THANK GOD. Thanks again To Joel and all the managers here. I truly believe there is a special spot in heaven waiting for all of you.

Free for 6 days and LOVING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

David
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Random Guy
Random Guy

September 16th, 2002, 5:56 am #21

I'm glad to know that it's not just my family that does this, whether intentionally or not. A few minutes ago, my wife, a non-smoker, said that our daughter had her on the verge of smoking to calm down (typical teenager stuff). She couldn't realize that this would have an effect on me, but it did. It was saying to me, so of course you want to smoke to make this situation all better, don't you?
I just kind of ignored the comment.
But yesterday, my wife told me of a conversation she had with my mother. My mother told my wife that years ago, when my father would attempt to quit, when he wasn't the laid-back happy guy in the first few days, my mother would say, Please, please smoke. And he did.

I told my wife that if that's true, then my mother killed my father. Really, my father killed himself. Just like my mother couldn't make him stop, she couldn't make him relapse. We are in control of our selves. That is the most imoortant thing to remember, for me right now. I am in control.
6 Days, 22 hours, 34 minutes, Spent 43.42 on funner healthier stuff, chose not to smoke 159 disgusting butts, and saved 13 hours 15 minutes of this rollercoaster ride called life.
cowabunga
rg
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Joel
Joel

September 16th, 2002, 6:33 am #22

My Support Group is Responsible! 16 4 Joel. 9/15/2002 5:32 PM
Quitting for Others 15 0 Joel. 9/15/2002 5:32 PM
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OBob Gold
OBob Gold

September 22nd, 2002, 12:53 pm #23

"I am going to touch on the comment from one more angle. Sometimes when you were a smoker and someone does something inconsiderate or wrong that angers you and you are about to take it on, you have a sudden almost uncontrollable urge to smoke. That urge, induced by the urine acidity all of a sudden takes precedence over dealing with the person and issue at hand, and sends you off in pursuit for a cigarette. This momentary venture gives you a cooling off period and at times, you may even let the whole event slide, feeling it is not worth even mentioning now. Consider this behavior from the other person's perspective. He or she may not even know that he or she did something offensive, and even if it is recognized, paid no penalty for the infraction. "
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

January 2nd, 2003, 11:33 pm #24


The junkie mind is capable of inviting negative support. I was an expert at it. In fact, I could get so down right mean that my loved ones would offer to go purchase my relapse nicotine for me. I was a drug addict and I was good at finding excuses to get my drug back. What I did was not only wrong but extremely unfair to, and insensitive of, my loved ones. I became so irritable that I made them willing to accept by addiction on my terms.
The next few minutes are doable!
Last edited by John (Gold) on April 1st, 2009, 11:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
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gramelaine
gramelaine

July 21st, 2003, 10:43 am #25

Thanks Joel. I have read everything you recommended plus some. On an intellectual level I know and understand everything I've read. When I first stumbled onto this site it all made so much sense to me and just rang true - I wish I would have found it sooner. There are times, however, when emotionally you just want to cry and blurt out feelings. I am very grateful for all I have learned here and believe it will make the difference and give me the tools I need to stay nicotine free.

Elaine
Last edited by gramelaine on April 1st, 2009, 11:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
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rllothringer
rllothringer

September 25th, 2003, 4:05 am #26

This post reminds me that I need to thank my wife, and do something nice for her.

She was supportive without being pushy.
She was patient.
She never made me make a choice. (I'll get to this in a second).
She backed off when I needed space.
She didn't back off when I needed help.

Contrast my wife with her coworker...

Her coworker's husband was 3 days into a quit, when she walked in, put a pack of cigarettes on the kitchen counter, and told him to either start smoking again or get a divorce.

I can't think of something so horrible for someone to do. Yes, I imagine he was a bit of a pain in the posterior. I know I was. But should SHE have given up so soon on him?

When I think of that, I keep thinking of my wife, and how wonderful she was to me when I was probably not so wonderful to her in those early days of the quit. I pray that every ex-smoker receives that kind of support.
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Joel
Joel

January 25th, 2004, 8:11 pm #27

It seems that at the moment that we have a few people who are experiencing negative reactions from others. I suspect a lot of people who made New Year's resolutions to quit smoking who have already lost their quits are doing some pretty good rationalizations now of why quitting was a bad idea. Don't let others pull you into their rationalizations with such nonsense. If you keep seeing smoking for what it was and remembering smoking the way it was in its entirety you will stay forever reinforced in your desire to never take another puff! Joel
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Astonished04
Astonished04

January 28th, 2004, 2:30 pm #28

I'd like to make a couple of quick comments to this, as it has been an issue as of lately.

1.) Know who to EXPECT negative comments from.

For example, when I told my own mother I had quit, she said, "Well, I tried everything to get you not to start. I told you so, I told you so. Now you are finally listening to me." Need I say this is NOT GOOD to say to someone in withdrawal! HOWEVER, why would I expect anything else from Mrs. Negativity? (No offense to mom!)

2.) [Most] other smokers don't want you to quit!

Admit it! You've been there... at some point in your smoking career, one of your smoking buddies quit and you secretly wished they hadn't of because you have to smoke alone or now you are being forced to think about the issue, etc.

This is only a personal observation (always rely on the experts)

Astonished04
3 weeks, 1 hour, 30 minutes
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Angelicrosegonegreen1
Angelicrosegonegreen1

April 11th, 2004, 6:29 pm #29

Wow - did this post ever hit the mark tonight! A few days ago at work I really got mad (well mad for me.....not really fierce but very surprising for me ) at someone who has definately been wronging me.
I told the guy that I was not going to put up with what he was doing, blah, blah, blah, and after he said what he wanted, we left work without speaking.
Usually I know that if I was smoking that I would have brushed his behavior off - again, and nothing would have come of it. So needless to say I felt very good for having stuck up for myself. But then after a while I felt very guilty. I started to feel sorry for him because he is an obese person and VERY negative about everything. He just doesnt seem to be a happy camper! Anyway, I am trying not to go in any detail here because I know this isnt a forum for venting our personal little tragedies .
Do you have any suggested reading about that?? I went ahead and faced the problem and now feel like I should apologize and say it was because of quitting.
It is kind of like losing yourself. I dont quite know what my new "non-smoker" response should be.

Kathleen
I've been quit for 1 month, 9 days, 7 hours, 12 minutes and 22 seconds (39 days).
I've not smoked 590 death sticks, and saved $259.80.
I've saved 2 day(s), 1 hour(s) of my life.
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Joel
Joel

April 17th, 2004, 1:21 am #30

Comments can make you feel bad, for the moment. But comments and actions of others can't hurt you the way you can hurt yourself. Others can temporarily sadden you or anger you, but they can't cause you to relapse. Only you letting down your guard can do that. Relapsing does more than make you feel sad or hurt. Relapsing can make you feel sick, and be sick, and if left to its ultimate conclusion, cigarettes will cripple you and eventually kill you. You are quitting for yourself and the victory and benefits are yours in spite of what anyone else feels. To keep feeling good, because you are keeping yourself well always remember to never take another puff!
Joel
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zwan girl3
zwan girl3

July 19th, 2004, 7:04 am #31

Thanks, this one helped particularily today.
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Joel
Joel

August 1st, 2004, 7:27 pm #32

Comments can make you feel bad, for the moment. But comments and actions of others can't hurt you the way you can hurt yourself. Others can temporarily sadden you or anger you, but they can't cause you to relapse. Only you letting down your guard can do that. Relapsing does more than make you feel sad or hurt. Relapsing can make you feel sick, and be sick, and if left to its ultimate conclusion, cigarettes will cripple you and eventually kill you. You are quitting for yourself and the victory and benefits are yours in spite of what anyone else feels. To keep feeling good, because you are keeping yourself well always remember to never take another puff!
Joel
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Pollydoll10
Pollydoll10

August 14th, 2004, 1:53 am #33

thanks a million,that helped me a great deal,you just need reminding sometimes what it is all about,and that is breaking the chain of my family dying of lung cancer thanks all x
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Joel
Joel

August 14th, 2004, 2:59 am #34

What family members and friends often overlook, is quitting smoking too is an effort to save the quitters life. While others may not immediately appreciate that fact, the person quitting has to know it for him or herself. Others may never really appreciate the concept, but the person quitting has to.

One thing I did notice over the years though, while the comment is made often, it is usually from a spouse, a child of the smokers, a friend, a coworker or just an acquaintance. It is much more uncommon that the person expressing it is a parent or even a grandparent. I think that says something. Parents are often used to their kids outbursts and moods, they have experienced them since they were infants. The natural parental instinct is not to hurt them when they are in distress and lash out, but to try to protect them. I think it often carries into adulthood, a pretty positive statement about parenthood.
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Pollydoll10
Pollydoll10

August 19th, 2004, 4:14 pm #35

thanks for your replys,im hanging in there xx
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