Need some help here!

Salubria1
Salubria1

April 8th, 2006, 9:13 am #1

I've been doing all the right things for my quit for over a month. I know how this recovery stuff goes...but I'm in a bad head space tonight. I can't stop crying, and I want a cig sooo bad. I know I'll feel only worse afterwards.Know -one is too many and a thousand not enough. I've been reading here tonight trying to find help...
Things just seem so down right now-I'm soul-tired I think. I've done so much to better myself, trying so hard to make sure we all have the things we need-food,shelter,gas for the car, just the basics.But because of a couple of bad months (family health problems, car trouble (driving a rejected and broken car-praying the cops wont pull me over before I make enough money to cover rent. or the taxes I owe the IRS), and only seeing that things are gonna get worse before it gets better.
I don't normally see myself as someone who gives up or is so negative...but I've been fighting so long to keep us going, and I'm failing at it now.
Short and not so sweet-left home at 15yrs old.. Lived on the street after high school for almost 2 yrs. (this was not my drug bottom. )Got off drugs, single sober mom with a daughter who has a half a heart (2 surgeries later she's gonna be okay), put myself thru nursing school and massage school.Struggled with chemical depression with anxiety features-zoloft helps(winters are still tough) Started my own business 6 yrs ago. Been off drugs over 20yrs.And gained 10lbs since quitting nicotine (did i mention I'm also a recovering bulemic?)
But right now-it feels like what's the use.I'm so tired. I don't know how people live each day with out quitting.The Lord's prayer is nice , but I'm gonna scream if I recite it one more time!
My quit has been fairly easy,considering how others I've read here have been.Joined a gym to help with the weight gain.More fluids,fiber and less sugar/carbs-except for M-M craves occasionally. Told my doc I quit smoking-no adjusted med. Deep breathing, meditating, and lots of reading here.Sharing recovery inspiration with others in my day-to-day life who also have quit smoking.But tonight I just want to chuck it all. I already feel like such a loser.Help,please...(those are hard words to write)
Jennifer
I have been nic-free for 1 Month, 1 Week, 6 Days, 13 hours and 43 minutes (44 days). I have saved $334.28 by not smoking or ingesting 1,114 nicotine delivery systems.. My Quit Date: 2/22/2006 7:31 AM
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anhef
anhef

April 8th, 2006, 9:23 am #2

Jenn,
just look at all you've managed to do since you left home at such a young age. Lots of kids wouldn't even have survived that.
Ok, so now it's really a serious struggle, but just which one of those problems will be made any better by taking even one puff, much less the thousands that WILL follow it??
How much money have you saved so far??? $334.28!! And how much worse would things be today without that money???
One thing is sure, you cannot afford to support this addiction any longer.
You can do this...one tiny little step, one moment at a time.
Go back to your reading.
And come back here for ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
but do not take that one puff...there is no such thing as just one..not for us.
annie
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

April 8th, 2006, 9:27 am #3

We really didn't need all the details, Jennifer, as we would have been here for you regardless. What I hope you'll think about is the fact that this quit is very probably the best gift you've ever given you! Smoking nicotine will only add relapse and active nicotine addiction to your problems list. The $334 you've not spent on nicotine is real and it doesn't include gas to and from the sales location, avoided illnesses or lost time and productivity.

Go the distance, Jennifer! Engaging and experiencing life's serious concerns is a mandatory part of recovery for all. You've just sort of put an extra big helping on your plate but nothing you can't handle!

All that matter are the next few minutes, Jennifer, and each are entirely doable. We're with you in spirit.

John (Gold x6)
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mslindy6
mslindy6

April 8th, 2006, 9:32 am #4

Jennifer
I am so glad that you came to Freedom for help.
You are not a loser dear, in no way shape or form. When I read you post I thought about how incredibly brave you are. Look at what you have been through and you have done ok, you have survived. The strength it must have taken you to get off drugs, to fight the bulemia, to provide for your family. I am humbled.

You are having a bad time and I can only wish that it will get better for you and to reinforce that smoking will not solve anything, in fact my quess it would make you feel even worse. You are a fighter, that is very apparent by this post, so go with the flow, cry if you need to, feel all you need to feel, but NEVER TAKE A PUFF. You will regret it. Look how long you have quit now.
I am going to post you some links to read, I just wanted to get this posted you so know that there is help. Thank you for being brave enough to ask for it.

Linda - Gold
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Bruce H1
Bruce H1

April 8th, 2006, 9:33 am #5

Jennifer,
It sounds to me like it is time for you to play your trump card! I don't know right now where to find the link but it goes something like this....You know that you shouldn't, you keep telling yourself that you don't want to, and the junkie goes on and on and on. Go ahead and feel bad but just decide that tonight you are not going to smoke. Tonight only. Tomorrow is tomorrow and you can deal with that later.

Sometimes we get hit really hard after we have been doing so well. It comes out of nowhere and really tests our mettle. You have a lot to be proud of! You have made a teriffic decision to stop using nicotine, and you are doing it!!

I admire what you have done for yourself and your daughter. Life is not always easy nor is it fair. When we do the best we can, we can be proud. My grandmother told me one time that when life gets you down and you feel like you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on tight!

This night will pass and smoking will not solve a thing. The best thing that you can do for yourself and your daughter is remember your promise to yourself to Never Take Another Puff! Hang in there, it does get better!
Bruce - 57 days
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mslindy6
mslindy6

April 8th, 2006, 9:39 am #6

JenniferHere is some reading for you, take what you can from it and go looking for more.

You will be okay if you just NTAP and take those small baby steps again, just for now.
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Rickrob53 Gold
Rickrob53 Gold

April 8th, 2006, 9:52 am #7

Jennifer, life is life, and sometimes it's just the plain old pits. You have made a remarkable journey since the day you quit. I know that when a tough spot hits, it may not seem like it. But, even what you are going through right now is all part of your recovery process.
Nicotine is a powerfully addicting chemical substance. No wonder it comes to mind when we reach a bump and just wish that the process of "quitting" were over. Yes, it can be a trial sometime, but you are worth more than a cigarette!

You may be tired of reading or searching for threads, but I'd encourage you to look at these:
Jennifer, once more I must say that You, the living, breathing, unique soul that you are, are worth much more than than a tube filled with tobacco

Richard
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Joined: January 16th, 2003, 8:00 am

April 8th, 2006, 10:09 am #8

From: Salubria1 (Original Message) Sent: 4/7/2006 9:06 PM
Thank you all...I decided to go to sleep instead of going to the store for a smoke.One night at a time.Breathing deep,crying lots-but not smoking tonight!
Jennifer
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SueMason2
SueMason2

April 8th, 2006, 11:06 pm #9

I think you're amazing. I can't imagine going through all that you have faced down and triumphed over. Your daughter's heart problems (so glad to hear she is fine now), eating disorder, drugs, living alone on the streets.....man, it makes my life seem like a cakewalk which I guess it really was. Those are really serious serious issues you've dealt with. You will win this battle too, I know you will. It gets easier - it really does. You'll get to the point where, when bad stuff happens, a cigarette will not even cross your mind. And then later, when your crisis is over you'll marvel that you did it without wanting a cigarette. It will happen.

You are an incredible role model for your daughter - she's going to grow up to be an amazing woman too .......don't let her down on this smoking thing. Let us know when you need some help - you'll get all you need.

Susan - 3 months and counting.
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Joined: January 16th, 2003, 8:00 am

April 8th, 2006, 11:28 pm #10

Jennifer has posted back (message #8):
From: Salubria1 (Original Message) Sent: 4/7/2006 9:06 PM
Thank you all...I decided to go to sleep instead of going to the store for a smoke.One night at a time.Breathing deep,crying lots-but not smoking tonight!
Jennifer


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