It knows what scares you

gingersnaps1018
gingersnaps1018

December 4th, 2006, 11:14 am #1

For some reason I have been having some intense cravings and urges in the past few days. I even cried to my best friend on the phone about it last night. I always believed that smoking a cigarette was a part of who I am. Even when I would quit before I felt like I was missing a part of me. As I stated in my very first post, I really thought smoking made me look cool. At some point this year I started to change my mind about that. I started to think that being so insecure that I took up a deadly addiction in order to compensate is pathetic and nothing to feel good about. But I think a lot of ex smokers relapse because they miss whatever it did for them on that level. Never taking another puff may be the only way to actually beat the addiction, but if someone is unhappy with themselves, then what is going to stop them ever taking one? Well, I don't know what's happening in my head these past few days to make me so edgy, but I thought it best if I posted here to ask for help with what I am feeling however silly it may seem to some instead of caving in and walking across the street to the liquor store for a pack of smokes. The truth is that there are some moments when I am not feeling very good about myself despite the pride I can feel for being this strong so far. The temptation to smoke and give myself that tragically tortured artist look all over again has started haunting me, and I feel so stupid and ashamed about it, I just wish it would go away. I think the initial rush of quitting has left me alone with myself, and although my cravings are not physical they are deeply mental. I don't want to smoke again. I really don't. So why then, does it still appear somewhat attractive from this angle, from this distance and in this moment? Or rather, can someone remind me why it is so absolutely not cool to smoke? Why this rebel image I have burned into my memory is not the whole story? Why if I do it I will regret it? The addiction has been pulling out every trick card to do the opposite. I swear it's like having one of those persistent little cartoon devils on my shoulder and I need some strength and clarity now please if anyone is out there. -Ginger (3 weeks 2 days 23 hours 43 minutes. I have not smoked 479 stupid things)
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forza d animo
forza d animo

December 4th, 2006, 12:08 pm #2

We are always here Gingersnaps.

You wrote:
"I don't want to smoke again. I really don't. So why then, does it still appear somewhat attractive from this angle, from this distance and in this moment?"

You are a nicotine addict, it's that simple. You are going through a period of adjustment to life without nicotine. After little more than 3 weeks, you are still learning how to face every little thing that comes your way without first sucking smoke into your lungs for a dopamine rush. In the simplest terms you don't know how to face down any challenge without that white paper tube but you will, in time, learn how.

We had a myriad of reasons for starting to smoke but in the end we all smoked for one reason only. We are addicted to nicotine. There is no cartoon character on your shoulder. If you don't believe me, go take a look in the mirror. The conversation going on in your head is between your perceived need to use nicotine to cope and your intellect insisting that it is not necessary. The payoff for following your intellect is immense. You don't look cool when you smoke - You look like a smoker. It will get better with time but only if you remain nicotine free. The relief you seek is not in that paper tube despite what you are telling yourself. On the contrary, relief from this seemingly never ending dispute, true freedom, comes from remaining steadfast in your decision to never take another puff.

Take note of all of the positive effects of quitting. Be grateful for what you have accomplished. There are many nicotine addicts right this moment saying to themselves. "I wish I could quit." Would you like to join them.

Joseph
Gold x2.
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smsh28
smsh28

December 4th, 2006, 12:23 pm #3

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There are many nicotine addicts right this moment saying to themselves. "I wish I could quit." Would you like to join them.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Lordy, NO!!

That's what keeps me from giving in to craves!! Because it's AMAZING to be on this side of the fence...on the side with a CHOICE!! Once I take a puff it's all over. I don't have a choice anymore.

I'd still rather be an ex-smoker with an occasional crave than an active smoker chained to the constant need for a nicotine fix!!

Your craves will pass. This rough patch will pass. There is comfort on the way. The only thing that can prevent the inevitable comfort from coming is giving into the desire and taking a puff!


WOW...thanks for reminding me why I'm here!!

Sonya - Free and Healing for Two Months, Nineteen Days, 16 Hours and 23 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 8 Days and 9 Hours, by avoiding the use of 2420 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $352.14.
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SilkierThread
SilkierThread

December 4th, 2006, 1:09 pm #4

Hi Ginger

A small poem of encouragement for you. If you didn't have that strength, you wouldnt even have made it this far!

As you swim through forests
and run through seas
A touch imbalanced by negativities
Search your soul
Once more to find
An inner strength
and peace of mind

YOU ARE DOING SO GOOD!!!!!!!
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katsrule8
katsrule8

December 4th, 2006, 2:22 pm #5


Hiya Ginger - everything that has been said here, you know in you heart is true..
You responed to me when I needed a little help, you gave me your support, and I thanked you and said I would leave the green door open for you .
I am a smoker and always will be, I miss not smoking after reading here I know why, I still like the smell - My favourite article here is 'My Cigarette my friend'. when I am feeling like you are at the moment I read that, we are here as one to support each other...
Deep breaths my friend and NTAP

Suzie
69 days of something I NEVER thought I could do...
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gingersnaps1018
gingersnaps1018

December 4th, 2006, 3:45 pm #6

You are all amazing!
Thank you for the reinforcement. Thank you for the support.
I think I have some work to do to quiet that nasty voice of addiction, and I hope that will get easier as time goes by. I feel so grateful that I have this place to come to during temptation. I know there is so much to read here always but I did need to put into writing what I was experiencing and I really appreciate everyone for letting me know you care as well as reminding me some very important truths. I certainly don't want to be a smoker wishing I weren't a smoker. I did that for too long. The things that my inner junkie was saying to me got to me because he snuck up on me out of nowhere. The whole thing was completely unexpected since up untill now I have been so fueled by the 'act of quitting' that I was too distracted to even notice him. I also need to have patience with myself. This is an adjustment time and I think I had a false sense of comfort and so wasn't prepared for such a head trip. Anyway, thank you again all of you...crises averted. All of your encouraging messages mean a lot to me...NTAP!

-Ginger (3 weeks 3 days)
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VICKIGOLD2006
VICKIGOLD2006

December 4th, 2006, 10:07 pm #7

Hi Ginger. Your post brought back so many memories for me of my early quit and I too as most of us, went through the chattering with the "junkie" inside. I thought the chatter would never end, but it did, very gradually as I faced each new trigger episode and got though it. I have gained respect for the cunningness of this addiction to nicotine. I think some of the threads below will help you Ginger. It is so important to keep a positive attitude as our bodies return to how they were meant to be...and keep things in the now.. Just remember that there is no such thing as just one puff or just one cigarette because that just one leads back to just one more until we are back into full time, all consuming smoking our brains out. It doesn't sound like that's where you really want to go.

One other suggestion...when the chatter would start up for me, I would have to actually say out loud, NOT NOW, and on to something else...if that didn't work, then I had to take the time to let that crave wash over me and look at it head on!! Just take it one crave at a time and one day at a time and NTAP!! Not always easy, but oh so simple and do-able.
VICKI - Free and Healing for Four Months, One Day, 16 Hours and 20 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 8 Days and 14 Hours, by avoiding the use of 2474 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $559.40.
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gingersnaps1018
gingersnaps1018

December 5th, 2006, 1:26 am #8

Thank you for the threads Vicky! And thanks again to everyone for being there when I needed it most

-Ginger
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deborahk
deborahk

December 6th, 2006, 9:39 am #9

hey Ginger

When I read this post I thought that could be me writing that.
I too have this picture of myself in my head of who I was as a smoker and cant seem to shake it. If you read my Journal you can see that I have been fighting and crying with this aspect of the quit probably since I started.
I have needed to change everything about how I see myself and the way that I deal with things emotionally.
It has been a bumpy ride. Much bumpier than the physical addiction.
I have spoken to heaps of oldies about it and one of the best things that I did for myself was read some jounals from the oldbies from their first day.
Go on to their post and click back to their First post and read through.
It will give you an insight as to how things change as their quit progresses and how they too have had to deal with tears, anger, grief, frustration etc.
Amazing to see that as long as they NTAP every one of them get through it.
I have identified with so many of them that I have read so it isnt just you and me that feel this way.
Everybodies quit is different but there are enough similarities that reading these older posts really helps.
Stick with us Ginger
Hey I am nearly Green.
Whoo hoo
Deborah
Free and healing for 28 days
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