I smoke because I am self-destructive

Joel
Joel

7:43 PM - Oct 01, 2000 #1


Joel's Reinforcement Library





I Smoke Because I'm Self-Destructive!




Many Smokers believe they continue to smoke because of their self-destructive attitude. They actually want to get sick. Some say they are afraid of reaching old age. Others arrogantly vow to continue smoking until it kills them.

While some people do have emotional problems which lead to self-destructive behavior, I believe the majority of smokers with this attitude are not in this category. Most make these statements to hide their fears of not being able to give up cigarette smoking.

Over the past years, I have had many people ravaged by smoking related illnesses come into smoking clinics. They often explain that they had made such excuses yet were shocked when they actually did become ill. Clinic participants who fail occasionally state that they just didn't care enough about themselves to give up cigarettes. Unfortunately, some were later diagnosed of having cancer. Others have had heart attacks, strokes or other circulatory conditions. Many were discovered to have major breathing impairments from emphysema. None of them ever called me enthusiastically proclaiming, "It worked, it's killing me!" On the contrary, they were normally upset, scared and depressed. Not only did they have a potentially deadly condition, but they knew that, to a major degree, they were responsible for its occurrence.

An equally tragic situation is experienced by the survivors of people who die of smoking related illnesses. Many ex-smokers go back to smoking through the encouragement of family and friends. This usually happens to someone who is disease free and quits to stay healthy. Initially they are nervous and crabby (remember those days?). Soon the spouse, kids and others are saying, "If this is what you are like as a nonsmoker, for heaven's sake, smoke!" While it may seem to be a good idea at the time, consider how the relative feels when the smoker gets cancer or has a heart attack and dies. The guilt is tremendous.

Some beliefs or statements made by smokers sound irrational, as if they have a real death wish. Often, there is really nothing wrong with the person - it is a drug effect. Fear of withdrawal or of being unable to cope with life without cigarettes results in a defense mechanism to justify dependency. Once off smoking these excuses simply disappear, leaving a physically and psychologically healthier individuals who will have a good chance of remaining this way by following one simple procedure - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!


Joel


© Joel Spitzer 1982, 2000
Page last updated by Joel Spitzer on August 24, 2003
Replaced missing graphic and original article text from Joel's Library at www.WhyQuit.com -JJ
Last edited by Joel on 3:06 AM - Oct 17, 2009, edited 1 time in total.
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Christiana
Christiana

1:32 AM - Oct 02, 2000 #2

Hello, This article sums up my many years of not quitting smoking. My fear of not being able to quit was strongly Believed by me. I could not quit smoking. I had 14y of failure to convience me. Since 1986, i had tried. I doubt there were many days within that time, i didn't think i have to stop, i need to quit. For 14y, i failed and each failure convienced me more i couldn't do it. I do not exgerate when i say it was a torment. Knowing i was hurting myself, what else could i think cept i,m **** bent on killing myself. Yet something, one small thing, what ever it was, keep me searching, and not giving up. After reading the article, i realize the one small thing, was myself. No i didn't want to die. As the article says , no one reports happily hey, it worked it's killing me.

A few years ago, i read a book on addiction where it gave addiction a separate identity, as if it took on a life of it own. I remember having some of my greatest success using the philosophy of the book. I think it scared me. After reading more from this site, i am becoming convienced addiction lives through us, using us almost as a host would, with no regard for us or our lives. I think we have found one of the biggest lie of addiction out, and that is, no we do not want to do things that harm us,

This article, also seems to separate one's continued use, as not being a death wish, but a true and realize fear of believing one can't quit which is again not the same thing as a death wish. Learning is everything for someone like me, and i am grateful there are people who are figuring this stuff out. Christiana,
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Joel
Joel

1:57 AM - Oct 02, 2000 #3

Hello Christiana:

The more you learn and the more you understand, the more likely your desire to stay smoke free will be and the more obvious the way to do it will be to never take another puff!

Joel

Updated to add link to new video version of thread: "I smoke because I'm self-destructive"

Last edited by Joel on 6:01 PM - Jul 01, 2014, edited 1 time in total.
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Christiana
Christiana

10:34 PM - Nov 26, 2000 #4

It's True, and now i got Two months, five days, 29 minutes and 55 seconds. 1980 cigarettes not smoked, saving $297.09. Life saved: 6 days, 21 hours, 0 minutes. To Prove it!!! i started to cry, with gratitude when i re read my own words. Thank you , Christiana
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Joel
Joel

11:08 PM - Feb 11, 2001 #5

Crista's post "A related thought or vent, not sure which" made me think of this one. It is amazing how people are horrified and "shocked" when getting a smoking induced disease diagnosis. Not that smoking is responsible for all diseases, but many of them, and in the case of this particular disease, lung cancer, a very high percentage. So many times in the person's past they likely dismissed the risk or rationalized that they just didn't care, but the fact is they did care but were just protecting their addiction. Lets not lose sight of the issue that everyone here is in a fight for their life. While not smoking has its moments, I don't think a single person here would want to trade places with the person in Christa's post. Your risks of smoking diseases will go time over time, but stay vigilant on check-ups and symptoms for many people do have long past histories of smoking.

Keep focused on the fact that you want to minimize your risk of starting a process that is irreversible. The best way to minimize the risk of all future smoking related diseases is to never take another puff!

Joel
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Cyndie
Cyndie

3:33 AM - Feb 12, 2001 #6

Joel,

I sure saw myself in this one. I remember little conversations with myself protecting my addiction. I would tell myself that life wasn't all that great anyway so what the heck...if I die I won't care very much. The odd part is that I am mostly an upbeat kind of person (glass half full)...I was only saying these things to myself because I thought I was so far gone that I COULDN'T QUIT. COULD NOT beat my addiction.

Well, 2 w 21h 17m .............. I have been free. Not for 35 years have I felt this kind of FREEDOM.

Thanks for all the help
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Joel
Joel

7:54 PM - Mar 22, 2001 #7

While some people may feel like they are losing their minds while quitting, they in most cases are getting a little more sane and a lot more rational by taking control of their smoking. In a real sense the irrational thoughts and behaviors that dominated their lives can simply fade away and the real person can begin to fully come into being. It is awkward uncovering the new you, or more accurately, the old you with aging thrown in. Some people here have never been adults as a non-smoker, smoking was just part of who you were as an adult, part of the persona you projected to others as well as believed yourself.

But in all probability, you will come out the other side more stable on many levels. Not only will you regain your physical health and minimize risks of major catastrophic diseases down the road, but you can really boost your mental health and self esteem. The payoff for quitting smoking is immeasurable. It is longer health, life, self-esteem, both respect of others and your own self-respect, and a realization of your ability to change when change is needed, no matter how ingrained a behavior or even an addiction has been.

You are now a more together person than you have been for years, even in those moments where you feel like you are losing your mind, you are still more in control than when chain smoking to deal with feelings. Don't lose sight of this. Awkward moments will pass and overall life will be more manageable, more under your control than the control of a uncaring drug that was destroying you with every drag you ever took. To keep that control, always remember to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

8:41 PM - Apr 21, 2001 #8

I saw where one new member was recognizing that the act of smoking was suicidal. I thought this would add some insight to that idea.
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Joel
Joel

8:44 PM - Apr 21, 2001 #9

Joel's Reinforcement Library


"It's only cigarette smoking - it's not
like a crime punishable by death"


"So I failed in quitting smoking, big deal. I'm not going to feel guilty or be hard on myself. I mean, it is only cigarette smoking--it is not like a crime punishable by death." I had to refrain from laughing at this statement. It was seriously quoted to me by a clinic participant who failed to abstain from smoking for even two days. She had the same old excuses of new job, family pressures, too many other changes going on.

But to say that cigarette smoking isn't a crime punishable by death--that was news to me. Last year, over 400,000 Americans were killed by cigarettes. While we know that these people were killed by smoking, it is hard to classify these deaths. Were they murders, suicides or accidents?

When examining the influence of the tobacco industry, one is tempted to call all tobacco related deaths murder. The tobacco industry uses manipulative advertising trying to make smoking appear harmless, sexy, sophisticated, and adult. These tactics help manipulate adults and kids into experimenting with this highly addictive substance. The tobacco industry knows that if they can just get people started, they can hook them on cigarettes and milk them for thousands of dollars over the smoker's lifetime.

The tobacco institute always contradicts the research of all credible medical institutions who have unanimously stated that cigarettes are lethal. The tobacco institute tries to make people believe that all these attacks on cigarettes are lies. If the medical profession were going to mislead the public about cigarettes, it would be by minimizing the dangers, not exaggerating them. The medical profession has a vested interest in people continuing to smoke. After all, the more people smoke, the more work there is in treating serious and deadly diseases. But the medical profession recognizes its professional and moral obligation to help people be healthier. On the other hand, the tobacco industry's only goal is to get people to smoke, no matter what the cost.

It could be argued that a smoking death is suicide. While the tobacco industry may dismiss the dangers, any smoker with even average intelligence knows that cigarettes are bad for health but continues to smoke anyway. But I do not believe in classifying most of the smoking deaths as suicidal. Although a smoker knows the risk and still doesn't stop, it is not that he is trying to kill himself. He smokes because he doesn't know how to stop.

A smoking related death is more accidental than suicidal. For while the smoker may die today, his death was in great part due to his first puffs twenty or more years ago. When he started smoking the dangers were unknown. Society made smoking acceptable, if not mandatory in certain groups. Not only did he not know the danger, but also he was unaware of the addictive nature of nicotine. So by the time the dangers were known, he was hooked into what he believed was a permanent way of life. Any smoker can quit, but unfortunately many don't know how.

Whatever the classification--murder, suicide or accident--the end result is the same. You still have a chance, you are alive, and you know how to quit. Take advantage of this knowledge. Don't become a smoking statistic - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!



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Joel
Joel

8:13 PM - Aug 20, 2001 #10

I saw where a member wrote today that one of the reason people lose their quit is that they just don't care anymore. I am not sure that is true in most cases where it is said. If person is planning on relapsing because they are saying to themselves they just don't care to live anymore, they had better get rid of any guns, knives, or poisons in their possession and should not allow themselves near any freeway or high places.

If you ever feel that you are taking a cigarette because you don't want to live--don't bother wasting your time looking for a cigarette, rather immediately call your doctor or mental health professional and tell them you are contemplating suicide. The odds are most of the people who use the kind of rationalization for contemplating a cigarette won't place that call because they will realize that it is not true in their current situation--that they are not in fact really feeling suicidal. They want a cigarette at the moment--they don't want to die at the moment. The ones who do feel it is true should in fact be placing the call. For if the person is truly feeling suicidal, a cigarette will not treat the condition and serious intervention is really needed.

The sentence above, "they want a cigarette at the moment--they don't want to die at the moment," really sums it up for most ex-smokers. At times they want a cigarette, but not at the cost of dying from smoking. That is the price an ex-smoker must actually pay for a cigarette though--relapsing to an addiction that will eventually cripple then kill them. If your choice is for health and life always remember to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

8:45 PM - Sep 10, 2001 #11

For Marty. Smoking is an act of suicide but it is not usually from the person being suicidal.
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Joel
Joel

1:18 AM - Oct 13, 2001 #12

How can someone smoke when they know they are sick? It is not usually because they are self-destructive, or that they even just want to smoke. It is because they have not accepted their addiction. I say it here often, cigarette smoking is just a way of feeding your nicotine addiction. If you treat an addiction as an addiction, you will be able to stay in control it. If you treat an addiction as a bad habit--you don't have a prayer of getting control or keeping control over it. Treat nicotine for the addiction it is--to stay free simply never take another puff!

Joel
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tea4sue
tea4sue

2:46 AM - Feb 16, 2002 #13

i remember that many MANY times i said i continued to smoke because cancer ran in my family, and i was certain i'd die young of cancer whether i smoked or not. i had a very close family member die of colon cancer at the age of 43, and she smoked like a chimney ever since i can remember. i used to say...see, she died of COLON cancer, not LUNG cancer. how ridiculous of me.

sue
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Barb H (Bronze)
Barb H (Bronze)

10:39 AM - Feb 16, 2002 #14

Thanks Joel!

I needed this thread tonight. At my age and circumstances, I needed this very much.

Barb
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Joel
Joel

9:38 AM - Mar 30, 2002 #15

For Mary:

A lot of people think they have complicated personality flaws that account for smoking. Often it is so much simpler than that--they smoke because the are nicotine addicts and the illogical and bizarre thoughts or actions are simply drug seeking behavior patterns. This article is a good example of just how twisted thinking can become in order to rationalize smoking. I have one other on this on a person who about a week into a quit was excited when she thought she had cancer and could then smoke again. I'll bring it up in a minute.

The way to stay much more sane is simply to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

9:41 AM - Mar 30, 2002 #16

Joel's Reinforcement Library


What A Relief, I Think I Have Cancer!


"Last night I was getting a burning sensation in my lungs. I actually thought I had lung cancer. I wasn't scared, surprised, or even upset. I was actually happy. I can't remember ever looking so forward to being diagnosed of having a terminal illness." This unusual statement was made to me by a clinic participant on her fourth day without smoking. While it sounds like the ravings of a severely depressed or mentally ill individual, in fact she was nothing of the sort. To the contrary, she was smiling and laughing when she said it.

What was the humor she saw in the statement? As soon as she said it to herself the night before, she realized the pain she was experiencing was the same complaints she heard three other people describe earlier that day at her clinic. It was a normal part of the healing process from quitting smoking. She also recognized the fact that she was not looking forward to a debilitating illness and a early demise. She was looking forward to taking a cigarette. When the pain started she rationalized that as long as she had lung cancer already, she might as well smoke. Then she realized she was looking forward to cancer. At that point she recognized just how morbid her thought processes had become. Not because she was quitting smoking, but because she was an addict was she capable of thinking in such depraved terms. Upon recognizing the absurdity of the situation, she laughed off the urge and went to bed.

It is important to remember just how irrational your thoughts were when you too were a smoker. As a smoker you were constantly warned of the dangers through the media, physicians, family, friends who quit, and most importantly, your own body. Not a week goes by when you were not being bombarded by the constant annoying message that smoking was impairing and killing you. But being the obedient addict you were, you disregarded these pestering outside influences to obey your true master--your cigarette. As Vic, the participant in my first clinic once stated, "Everywhere I turned I was being warned about cigarettes. Newspapers reports and magazines articles constantly reinforced that cigarettes were deadly. Even bill boards advertising cigarettes carried the Surgeon General's warning signal. Every time I'd reach for my pack, a warning label stared me in the face. It was only a matter of time before I reached the only logical conclusion. I quit reading!"

The control cigarettes exert on you when you are in the grip of the addiction is complete. It makes you say and do things that when observed by outside observers makes you look weak, stupid or crazed. At the same time it robs you of your money, health and eventually life. Once free of cigarettes you can recognize all these symptoms of your past addiction. To avoid ever living such a miserable existence - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!


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Joel
Joel

11:40 PM - Dec 17, 2002 #17

Elsewhere on the board today we are talking on how negativity often keeps people smoking and how working on the positive side of not smoking can help secure people's quits. Just thought I would bring up a few strings that highlight this issue.
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AuntBea (Silver)
AuntBea (Silver)

5:10 AM - Dec 21, 2002 #18

I had an aunt who died not from the cancer that she had, but from the condition of her body when the cancer was discovered.
She always stated that she wasn't worried about her chain-smoking habit or being very overweight, because she intended to enjoy life to the fullest. She didn't care when she died, because she would have enjoyed every minute of the time that she had.
It took the doctors a long time to find the cancer, because they all told her that she didn't feel well because she was overweight and smoked. They finally located a small lump in her chest and scheduled her for an outpatient biopsy. She never came home.
The surgeon found a very large tumor that had invaded one of her lungs. According to him, this was not a particularly agressive tumor, and he was very satisfied that he had gotten it all.
In spite of all of this, this wonderful lady in her early forties died two days later.
According to the doctor, her lungs were so weakened by the years of heavy smoking that they were unable to heal. She was never taken off of the respirator. Her poor heart, also abused for years from smoking, finally gave out, and she left us.
The saddest thing of all, however, was the fact that in the end she changed her mind. She wrote to us over and over--"please don't smoke", and "I'm not ready, please don't let me die!" The doctors said that although she was dying, she was also going through nicotine withdrawal. She had quit.
I apologize for the length of this. I have just heard this from so many people--they don't care, when it's their time it's their time, etc. It is only the addiction talking.
Never take another puff!
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Joel
Joel

5:39 AM - Dec 21, 2002 #19

Thanks for sharing that story Bea. It is a powerful addition to this string, not too long at all. Here is another string you might find of interest, looking at the twisted way people think of smoking from a little different angle: What A Relief, I Think I Have Cancer!
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

11:19 PM - Dec 29, 2002 #20

Judge says nursing home resident can smoke
Saturday, December 28, 2002 PAINESVILLE, Ohio (AP) - A woman dying of lung disease should be allowed to smoke despite her nursing home's ban on lighting up indoors, a judge has ruled.

Virgie Meade, 57, sued Western Reserve Extended Care in Kirtland last week because new managers last month started enforcing a no-smoking policy residents say was largely ignored since 1989.

Lake County Common Pleas Judge Eugene Lucci ruled in her favor on Friday, rebuking nursing home officials for resisting a "dying woman's last request to smoke."

"This is a short-lived request because the patient is short-lived," he said. "But it is a reasonable request and you will grant it."

Meade has lived four years at the home about 15 miles east of Cleveland. She's dying of emphysema and progressive lung disease, her lawyer said. She lost a leg to cancer and needs pure oxygen to breathe, but she still smokes three or four cigarettes a day.

Lucci said the nursing home must allow Meade to smoke four cigarettes a day, giving her four minutes for each. She must be supervised, face an outside window and blow the smoke out the window, he said.

Meade will not be allowed to take her flammable oxygen tank into the designated smoking room, and the other 170 residents must be kept away while she smokes.

Western Reserve officials protested, saying nursing home workers would be forced to help Meade smoke when they are needed elsewhere. They also argued that the ruling could violate regulations against residents smoking indoors.

Amy Knapp, a spokeswoman for Arkansas-based Beverly Enterprises Inc., which owns the facility and 460 others in 27 states, has said smoking restrictions are made in residents' best interests.

The home's policy was never enforced until a new administrator ousted Meade and other smokers from a TV room about a month ago, Meade's attorney said. Residents were told they could smoke only on an outside porch, protected from the weather by sheets of plastic.

Meade has said the cold makes her chest hurt and she feared catching pneumonia.

"You will accommodate this patient before she dies," Lucci told the home. "Her addiction is a medical problem and you will attend to the addict."

Meade has smoked for 37 years, since she was 20.

"It's worth the fight," Meade said a week ago. "I feel like they're taking away my rights to enjoy what life I have left."
Copyright ©2002 The Repository
http://www.cantonrep.com/index.php?Cate ... =77882&r=1
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Joel
Joel

1:52 AM - Aug 21, 2003 #21

I saw where one member was talking about how subliminal ads for tobacco are trying to play on the idea that smokers smoke because they are self-destructive. I thought this article addresses the concept well. Again, in the thousands of people I have dealt with in live programs I still have never had one call me after being diagnosed with a terminal cancer to express their joy and happiness at the prospects of dying now. When they do call it is to find out when the next clinic is with the hope that it may not be too late now. Sadly, waiting to be diagnosed with a terminal condition as a wake up call is a mistake that costs many smoker's their lives. Another article addressing this tactic is Waiting to bottom out.
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

2:13 PM - Dec 28, 2003 #22

Joel's Reinforcement Library





What A Relief, I Think I Have Cancer!




"Last night I was getting a burning sensation in my lungs. I actually thought I had lung cancer. I wasn't scared, surprised, or even upset. I was actually happy. I can't remember ever looking so forward to being diagnosed of having a terminal illness." This unusual statement was made to me by a clinic participant on her fourth day without smoking. While it sounds like the ravings of a severely depressed or mentally ill individual, in fact she was nothing of the sort. To the contrary, she was smiling and laughing when she said it.

What was the humor she saw in the statement? As soon as she said it to herself the night before, she realized the pain she was experiencing was the same complaints she heard three other people describe earlier that day at her clinic. It was a normal part of the healing process from quitting smoking. She also recognized the fact that she was not looking forward to a debilitating illness and a early demise. She was looking forward to taking a cigarette. When the pain started she rationalized that as long as she had lung cancer already, she might as well smoke. Then she realized she was looking forward to cancer. At that point she recognized just how morbid her thought processes had become. Not because she was quitting smoking, but because she was an addict was she capable of thinking in such depraved terms. Upon recognizing the absurdity of the situation, she laughed off the urge and went to bed.

It is important to remember just how irrational your thoughts were when you too were a smoker. As a smoker you were constantly warned of the dangers through the media, physicians, family, friends who quit, and most importantly, your own body. Not a week goes by when you were not being bombarded by the constant annoying message that smoking was impairing and killing you. But being the obedient addict you were, you disregarded these pestering outside influences to obey your true master--your cigarette. As Vic, the participant in my first clinic once stated, "Everywhere I turned I was being warned about cigarettes. Newspapers reports and magazines articles constantly reinforced that cigarettes were deadly. Even bill boards advertising cigarettes carried the Surgeon General's warning signal. Every time I'd reach for my pack, a warning label stared me in the face. It was only a matter of time before I reached the only logical conclusion. I quit reading!"

The control cigarettes exert on you when you are in the grip of the addiction is complete. It makes you say and do things that when observed by outside observers makes you look weak, stupid or crazed. At the same time it robs you of your money, health and eventually life. Once free of cigarettes you can recognize all these symptoms of your past addiction. To avoid ever living such a miserable existence - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!
Joel
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Joel
Joel

8:03 PM - Aug 11, 2006 #23

While some people may feel like they are losing their minds while quitting, they in most cases are getting a little more sane and a lot more rational by taking control of their smoking. In a real sense the irrational thoughts and behaviors that dominated their lives can simply fade away and the real person can begin to fully come into being. It is awkward uncovering the new you, or more accurately, the old you with aging thrown in. Some people here have never been adults as a non-smoker, smoking was just part of who you were as an adult, part of the persona you projected to others as well as believed yourself.

But in all probability, you will come out the other side more stable on many levels. Not only will you regain your physical health and minimize risks of major catastrophic diseases down the road, but you can really boost your mental health and self esteem. The payoff for quitting smoking is immeasurable. It is longer health, life, self-esteem, both respect of others and your own self-respect, and a realization of your ability to change when change is needed, no matter how ingrained a behavior or even an addiction has been.

You are now a more together person than you have been for years, even in those moments where you feel like you are losing your mind, you are still more in control than when chain smoking to deal with feelings. Don't lose sight of this. Awkward moments will pass and overall life will be more manageable, more under your control than the control of a uncaring drug that was destroying you with every drag you ever took. To keep that control, always remember to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

3:26 AM - May 24, 2007 #24

For people looking for rational reasons to relapse. There are lots of excuses you can come up to relapse, but the bottom line is they are all foolish rationalizations. There are only two legitimate reasons to relapse. They are:

You want to go back to smoking until it cripples then kills you

or

You enjoy withdrawal so much you never want it to end. If this is the case just take one puff every third day, withdrawal will last forever.

Any other reason you take it is not legitimate, and thinking that it is will only undercut your ability to ever quit and stay off for over life other things will happen. If one tragedy is a good reason, so will the next one be. To have to explain this to each and every members specific past life tragedy would tie the board up. It would in fact become a diversion to what everyone is here for. To focus on not smoking today.

We must remember the past, and hopefully learn from it. But the lesson had better be the real understanding that a past relapse was a mistake, a big mistake, one that if not undone now in itself will be a tragedy. If the lesson is anything else, that relapse was the biggest mistake you ever made in your life, one that in fact one day will cost you your life. Don't get caught up in the mind games of a legitimate relapse. Instead, learn from the past and prepare yourself to face the future, no matter what it holds with your full commitment and resolve to never take another puff!

Joel
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paradigmc0
paradigmc0

9:32 AM - Jun 13, 2007 #25

For Me, I know I smoked because I was self-destructive.

Only I realized it -after- I quit smoking. I realized alot about why I smoked. Most people focus on why they quit, I really took a look at why I smoked.

I was a Crystal Meth addict when I was 22. (happy to say Im clean for over 4 years now). I remember why I started, it was because I wanted to escape a life I hated. I wanted to hurt myself, and go out in a blaze of drug addicted glory. I had a moment of clairity Christmas Day 2002 when I was putting that dollar bill to my nose. I realized that I had really overdone it, and seriously hurt myself this time. I spent a week detoxing in my apartment, with an uncaring methhead roommate.

Mind you... I was one of those casual smokers back then. The "lucky ones" who could go out on a weekend and have a few. I did it for years. Sometimes Id go months without smoking and no problems.. But somehow 3 months after I quit being a Meth Addict.. I realized that now I was a pack a day smoker!

How'd that happen? I didnt care.. I felt like my cigarettes were my sanity to get me through the meth addiction.

So here I am almost 5 years later. Ive done lots of work on myself. I love myself, I want to do good things. I dont want to hurt myself... but... for some reason.... I was smoking until 3 weeks ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks that here I was still hurting myself after all these years. I didnt need these cigarettes. I didnt want to hurt myself...So I put them out forever.

I can tell you, I smoked because I was self-destructive. When I put the cigarettes down forever, I put down a part of me that I was afraid to look at. Im almost embarsed to say that I hated part of myself enough to do meth and smoke cigarettes.. I was trying to escape a life I didnt like.. but I love my life now! Im much happier, and Ive worked really hard to make it that way.. Those cigarettes had to go!

Maybe this isnt the case for everyone... but in this day and age. If you take up smoking when you are 22, chances are you are a bit self-destructive.

Quickly approching my 28th birthday (Aug 9th).. glad im going to be smoke-free for that.
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