I am a junkie

I am a junkie

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

15 Sep 2003, 06:10 #1

I am a junkie. I need a fix. Do you remember your first love in school? Did you ever have a bad break up and go a week or two in total despair? You can't sleep, you can't concentrate, you just want that person back in your life. You just don't know how you can ever live without them. That is how I feel. I feel a longing. I am longing for that little white fix.

I just thought of a bunch of reasons why I should smoke. (Not to worry, I took a bath instead) Most of these reasons are out of fear. I am really afraid. I am scared that I won't be able to keep it together without my drug. I have to keep it together. So much depends on me. I can't be out of sorts. I am sorry that I am so high maintenance, but could someone please remind me that it will get better? Because I just want to smoke so bad. The cigarettes are all that I need to be able to keep it together for everyone that needs me.

Am I the single most addicted person to cigarettes on the planet? I used to go outside at work and smoke 2 on my break. "Two smokie joes for me, I'm a two smoken' girl." Had to have enough to get me through the rest of the day.

Lungs feeling a little weak after all of that smoking? "I just try not to overly excert myself so much when I smoke"....ha ha so funny.... There were two flights of stairs back up to my office and I was actually panting to breath once I got to the top of those stairs. That was over 5 years ago. Things have gotton a little worse since then. I cannot breath when I smoke. Emphysema runs in my family. I am too young to feel this old.

I remember in the movie The Exorsist there was a priest dying with a tube in his throat. And he motioned to the younger priest to give him a hit of his cigarette in the tube. I remember telling people, I UNDERSTAND THAT! That is sick and disgusting and I can actually empathize with that kind of need for that hit.

I just need to know that I won't stay in this scattered place of mind. One minute I feel strong and educated about my addiction, the next I feel like I am going to crumble.

This is why I am so worried about how irritated I am getting with everyone. Some of the people that work for me WANT me to smoke again, so that I won't be so "grumpy".

I am so scared. I am so sorry to be so weak. I keep reading about all of the people that are so strong and deserve so much praise. I keep sitting and drinking decaf (first time in my life) in my old smoking spot on the deck like a forlorn, lost soul. Pitiful.

I have not taken another puff. I really do want to be healthy. But this longing. When will it end?


Joined: 16 Jan 2003, 08:00

15 Sep 2003, 06:44 #2

Hi Terry'sDaughter,
You are not always going to feel the way you do right now. I remember the beginning...there was a time when I was curled up on the sofa feeling like an alien in my own life.
Keep reminding yourself that you are an addict going through withdrawal. It is a real thing...and it takes time to get through. The psychological part becomes the main thing - it becomes a mind game. You will be able to win that game because you will be educated here at Freedom and WhyQuit.
You are taking back your life, it is really true. Look around you at all the never smokers. They are able to function. You will be able to also.
Drink lots of WATER and juices. You're going through withdrawal and you're grieving what is a physical loss right now. Nicotine caused that.
Just keep on reading and celebrate yourself. You may be feeling forlorn and pitiful but you are WONDERFUL!
Hang in there. Never take another puff.
Attitude - using it to reduce anxiety
Health recovery and risk reduction time table
Last line of defense - not today!
Monster under the bed
Thoughts - fixating on wanting a cigarette
Your quit friend,
Eight months, two days, 16 hours, 37 minutes and 45 seconds. 5896 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,179.12. Life saved: 2 weeks, 6 days, 11 hours, 20 minutes.
Last edited by Sal GOLD.ffn on 22 Feb 2009, 13:00, edited 3 times in total.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

15 Sep 2003, 07:23 #3

Hi TerrysDaughter,

At nearly 7 days free from nicotine, you seem to be in the height of junkie thinking. Try to look at what you're saying from a logical and impartial perspective. What exactly are you longing for? Is it the onset of emphysema? Is is worsening circulation, leading to heart problems? Is it a return to active addiction which controls your life? I doubt it. If any of those were really true, you would not have posted today asking for help.

I encourage you to go back to your first post and read it again. Reread all the links that others have given you. Review your list of reasons for quitting. If you don't have a list, this is a great time to make one. Spend time reading the Prevent Relapse board. Carefully assess whether you are eating properly; low blood sugar can wreak havoc with your emotional stability.

Lots of reading assignments come to mind to address many of the things you've just said in this most recent post. I'll work on collecting some of those links and reply again, unless I see that others have already done so.

Don't fool yourself into believing the junkie idea that a relapse will solve your problems and put you back in control. It would do just the opposite: you would have another problem to deal with, one over which you would have very little control. You may feel weak right now in the face of your waning physiological withdrawal symptoms, but know that it is completely temporary and completely normal.

You are well past the 72 hour mark when physical withdrawal symptoms peak, so don't throw away all that hard work. Remember your father, your reason for your nickname, and hang on tight for just one more hour...then one more...then one more. Before you know it you'll feel better, and you will still be proud that you did not take another puff.

146 Days (4m, 3w, 3d)

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

15 Sep 2003, 07:38 #4

Dear, DEAR, Sal,

I read the materials that you included in your lifeline for me. In "Monsters Under My Bed" it hit it right on the head........I want the "Aaaahhhhhhhh......." That's what I am craving!! That point where everything is just gonna be allllllllllllll right...............I want the ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Thank you for your support. When I am Gold and a year into this journey, we can look back on my newbie posts and know that I was a MESS when I first quit. We can tell newbies that if this one can do you you can! She was a MESS!

Thank you. I will try to find other ways to get the ahhhhhhhhhh. Hugs can give you an ahhhhhhh, my kids laughter can give me an ahhhhhh, or tucking them in at night knowing that they are in safe, clean beds, and that they feel loved. That's a pretty good ahhhhhhhhh.

I am still missing my lost love but I won't smoke. One day at a time..........not another puff...............the more I understand my addiction the easier (not that there is ANYTHING easy about this) it gets.

Still nicotine free and 3 and a half hours away from 1 week

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

15 Sep 2003, 08:02 #5

More links, as promised earlier:

"I feel a longing. I am longing for that little white fix."
Emotional Loss Experienced from Quitting Smoking

"I just thought of a bunch of reasons why I should smoke."
Fixating on a Cigarette

"I cannot breath when I smoke. Emphysema runs in my family. I am too young to feel this old."
Smoking's Impact on the Lungs
Medical Implications of Smoking

"Some of the people that work for me WANT me to smoke again, so that I won't be so "grumpy".
Negative Support From Others
Things Were So Bad at Work...

A few classics as well. Some of these are rather long, so make sure you click the First icon directly below the first post and read through the entire discussion in each thread:
Are You Ready to Take Back Your Life?
Just Think About Something Else
Recognizing Needs
Monster under the bed

Well, that's a lot of reading to get through, so I'll stop here even though I could add a bunch more. I hope you pull through this temporary rough time. Let us know how you're doing. I'll close with one more quote from you:
"I really do want to be healthy"
"I really do want to be healthy"
"I really do want to be healthy"

146 days (4m, 3w, 3d)

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

15 Sep 2003, 08:19 #6

Terrys Daughter,
There is nothing at all wrong with posting a message asking for support from this group. Don't look at it as being weak. We do not become and addict in recovery by being strong. We successfully manage our addcition by gaining the knowledge to be able to see our addiciton for what it really is. A chemical dependency that can be overcome by education and time. The only rule on a daily basis we play by is never take another puff. It makes no difference what happend yesterday or what will take place tomorrow. As long as we remain nicotine free for today we are successful. That is doable.
At almost a week into your quit I have to ask you if you remember the last cigarette you truely enjoyed. If you are like most of us the pattern of feeding became so repitious we forgot any awwww symptoms and it just became a necessary ritual we did every 20-30 minutes. Personally what I remember is how vivid the last 10 years or so was as I fed my addiction. The constant thought as I would light each one how badly I needed and wanted to quit. As I inhaled each puff of the deadly cargo of smoke and chemical laden nicotine knowing it was reducing my life by years. Telling myself after each purchase this would be my last carton. You know the story and I needen't go on.
When I first came to Freedom I always thought I was the biggest Junkie on the planet. I just knew there wasn't a more chemically dependent person alive than I. Was I wrong. I soon met Bob, John, Janet, Lorraine, Linda, Melissa, Parker and many others including you. Strange as it may seem we each thought of ourselves as the king nicotine junkie. It didn't take very long for all of us to realize one fact. If I can do this anyone can.
Terrys Daughter, you will have some good days and chances are some not so good. The best news is in the not so far off future your days will be very manageable. As your journey continues the comfort will begin to wrap itself around you more and more each day. This is the promise of comfort all the oldbies and many of our midbies promise a new quitter as yourself.
Read Read Read & keep close ot the boards. Being right here at Freedom is great therapy. The next few minutes or hour is totally doable. Take your craves one at a time. Understand it is just your addicted body and mind signaling to you there is a healing process happening inside. A healing process that will free you from your bondage to nicotine and keep you that way as long as you never take another puff.
One minute, one hour & one day at a time, You Can Do This

Last edited by Roger (Gold) on 15 Feb 2009, 14:10, edited 1 time in total.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

15 Sep 2003, 08:28 #7

Dear Querty,

Now that's what I'm talking about. That is amazing that you were able to take actual quotes from me and find links that address the very thing that I am saying. That tells me that this state of crazyness is normal for an addict. I do very much want to feel "normal" again. (Whatever normal is) I just want to feel safe and "o.k." and in control. I feel out of control in a very bad way. Sal referred to feeling like an alien in his own life. I feel that way. I understand what he meant by that.

You have given me much to read and think about. Thank you. And thank you for acknowledging my dad and the importance of his memory in my quit.

I drove away from his grave with a cigarette lit. I am ashamed of that.

I will read, read, read, and drink juice, and sip my decaf on my deck and hug my kids and try to laugh and work on my second week of not another puff.

Thank you,

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

15 Sep 2003, 08:48 #8


Your messages of hope and understanding are a treasure. Thank you.

I understand what you are saying about the smokes not being so great there at the end. But, sadly, some of my smokes were pretty good. It's sad. My girlfriends and I would actually plan "coffees" where we would sit for hours and smoke and solve all of the worlds problems with our wisdom and wit and it was so good. So so very good. If it were not for my lungs screaming and burning and refusing to accept another blast of carbon monoxide I would still be smoking. My lungs, the very part of my body that I have been destroying, are what is saving my life. Because they just could not stand it anymore. In my first post I even shared that the reason I am quitting is because I can't breath anymore.

But you are right, there were literally thousands of cigarettes that I smoked that I did not even notice. Only as a "fix". Nasty taste in my mouth. Dirty looks from the non-smokers. Sometimes I would smoke one right after the other because I couldn't "GET" what it was that I was needing from the first or second or third. You are so right. That is so true.

I am one of those addicts that would have smoked myself to death if it were not for my body forcing me to quit. I am embarrassed to admit that. But as I continue in this I am realizing that there are a lot of wonderful things about being nicotine free. Thank you for giving me the time and the patience to get to a better place.


Joined: 28 Jul 2009, 16:49

31 Jul 2009, 12:46 #9

To: TerrysDaughter

I'm a newbie also. Today makes my seventh day of freedom. There are times when I'm confident, times when i'm scared, nervous, angry, confused, angry and anxious. but one thing that truly stuck out to me is this quote.

Fixating and wanting a cigarette doesn't cause a relapse, it takes action. This is one of the saying that help me through.
I pray, I cry, I face my fears because i know that i will eventually heal and feel completely fine. I take baby steps and I plan ahead.
with so many failed attempts, I've learned exactly how i will react to certain situations and i try to block the craving out or I just embrace it and ride the wave! I look at it as healing. I wish you the best of luck on your journey! congradulations your doing a great job! My grandmother's doctor told her, that she had a choice Live or Die!

Joined: 18 Jan 2009, 06:57

31 Jul 2009, 20:00 #10

This post comes from 6 years ago when TerrysDaughter's journey was very new. It's important for all of us self-acknowledged addicts to also recognize that 'the junkie' is indeed 'me', not some made up entity within us. Take the time to read the replies to the post as well as the initial entry. Many times that's where the educational material is shared.

Here are a few later posts I found from Terrys Daughter. I vividly remember the picture she had on her old profile at FFT, of her Dad in his Navy uniform. She kept her promise to NTAP & things turned out more than OK. It will turn out Ok for anyone who believes, acknowledges and takes action to live their life clean of nicotine and free. The only thing we need to do is actually not an action, it's a commitment - NTAP.

Terry's Daughter is 2 x's GOLD!!
in 2005

GOLD GOLD GOLD GOLD!! 4 YEARS! in 2007 - read this one as it tells the reason for her forum name.

Gold 5 Years!! in 2008.
Last edited by Joe J free on 31 Jul 2009, 20:08, edited 1 time in total.