Encouragement sorely needed.

TiffQuit
TiffQuit

February 17th, 2005, 9:19 am #1

My quit is not in immediate jeapordy. (Well, I don't think it is, anyway.)

I do however notice more and more junkie thoughts lately. More "I can't do this." and "What if I'm like this forever???" I've already read "Every quit is different" and "I'm different, I'll never be comfortable without Nicotine" and... well to be honest I really DO have doubts about being comfortable without nicotine. I've not been without smoking for over a decade.

I've never had a weight issue in my life and now find myself easily 10 pounds overweight. I don't know if I have the willpower to deal with that, too.

I cry at the drop of a hat, especially if I get angry (which happens all the time, too). I don't want to hear about the stages of grieving. I can recite them by heart. I seem perpetually stuck between bargaining and depression. I just want to know I won't feel like this forever.

I have no motivation and next week will be by far the most challening of this quarter (3 tests, 3 papers and 2 quizzes... ugh). I know I should work on this paper, but I don't. Instead I ate brownie batter which only made the whole weight thing worse.

All I want to do lately is sleep or eat. In fact, that's pretty much all I've done.

I wonder how I can continue to funtion this way. I already know my grades are
going to suffer this quarter because of quitting, I feel horribly fat, I've been mean and distant to my daughter (god that makes me cry just thinking about it). I even got mad at my boyfriend (who wasn't even around), irrationally deciding its partially his fault that I have to quit, therefore he must be punished. I don't want to read any more posts. I've already read so much today it's crazy. If I'd spent half as much time on my homework as I have on this site reading today, I'd be set.

I know I'm being a totally irrational baby. I cry like one, too. I'm angry that this isn't over yet. I feel stuck... like I can't get on with my life. I quit smoking, but I can't seem to quit thinking about quitting smoking.

PLEASE someone tell me that one day (SOON) I'll be normal. How can I change to make comfort come more quickly? (I know I said I didn't want to read anything, but you'll have to ignore me... that's just me being petulant).

I'm not the best at "sharing" negative stuff, and I'm sure tomorrow I'll be embarassed... but I really feel close to the end of my rope. I already hate that this sounds like a temper tantrum.

I'm scared that all this is an indicator that I'm going to fail. I need to know others have gone through all this self-doubt and have safely made it to the other side. I really REALLY DO want to know what it's like to be comfortably smoke-free.

Thank you all in advance for all your help. I already know I'll feel better for it.

Tiffany - Free and Healing for Nineteen Days, 18 Hours and 46 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 3 Days, by avoiding the use of 435 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $130.67.
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richard This is It GOLD
richard This is It GOLD

February 17th, 2005, 9:37 am #2

Hi Tiffquit....

Congratulations on your quit.... and thanks for posting with your concerns before taking any other action.....

Been following your journal closely..... you're on the roller-coaster.... and sometimes you just need to take it on blind faith that these episodes get fewer and fartehr between and eventually, yes, just disappear.....

The roller coaster stops.....

Here's some indications I found from reading around about why you should think twice about relapsing and gritting those teeth through this time of doubt.......



"I haven't written in 3 days, which is a testament to my growing comfort. I think about smoking still, but I've also gone entire days without WANTING a cigarette. Thinking and wanting are very, very different. I think the last time I really "wanted" a cigarette was Wednesday (two triggers), and even then they were short-lived.

I think I might be impatient about my milestones because I somehow got the idea in my head that I needed that color behind my name to feel "comfortable". I know there are lots more triggers out there I'm not even aware of that I will still face, but who's to say it will be difficult? Maybe I'm being naieve... I AM still in the infancy of my quit, but my comfort is growing in leaps and bounds.

I still don't know what "normal" is, but I think I'm getting closer to it and I really like it. "



and some sources of motivation, perhaps....

I have so many reasons to quit. I also have a beautiful 11 year old daughter. She never knew about my last relapse. I knew it would break her heart. So I spent my smoking time hiding from my daughter. Sad, isn't it? My smoking was beginning to become a deal-breaker in my otherwise wonderful relationship with my boyfriend. He told me he didn't want to watch me die from a smoking-related disease, that it wasn't fair to him that I was making such a destructive decision for both of us.




and a reminder of some self-knowledge

My quit so far has been surprisingly easy, and for that I'm very grateful. I still keep my guard up, as sometimes I go into a project gung-ho only to run out of steam shortly thereafter.


and how you feel: (maybe not right now... but these things will pass...

I'm so proud to be a part of this wonderful group.



and so you should be proud... you were a slave to nicotine for 12 years. It controlled you... now you are breaking free..... it's the best gift to yourself and your loved ones.

Weight, grades etc can be secondary to your celebrating this.

Don't want to do any more reading???

Just these....




I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.


richard (2 years 11 months)
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ZZRSteve GOLD
ZZRSteve GOLD

February 17th, 2005, 9:38 am #3

Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany......Free and Healing for Nineteen Days.....That was the only positive thing I read in your post. Hey! It is a very postive thing too. For the past 19 days you've said "Shove off!" to nicotine. I know you're busy with your school work but I suggest you devote some more time reading here. Nicotine is a very nasty addiction ......Nicotine Addiction 101....read all the stuff, including links, in this thread. You are still a newbie, juggling quitting with being a mom and a student. No, it's not easy but it's much, much, easier than say.......lung cancer. Tiffinay, quitting is not easy for most people (for some it's relatively easy...I hate them...just kidding). I was having some strong craves tonight while I was grilling and this after 9 months. However, the craves didn't last long and mostly I just shook my head at them and marveled at how nicotine still had some control over my thoughts.

Bottom line? Ask yourself if you want to quit. Of course you do. Nothing has changed. Just get through this crave, this minute, this hour, this night. Chances are much better that you will feel better and be proud of yourself tomorrow. Our junkie inner selves will make the most compelling arguments to give up our quits. Ignore your junkie inner self and remember why you quit in the first place. A lot of your fogginess is being caused by your longing/struggle for nicotine. I want you to read the stuff in here too....Addiction and here too.....Advice 4 Newbies.
Hang in there Tiffany. Remember, it's very simple, not easy but simple. NTAP and you have a 100% chance of not relapsing and becoming completly comfortable in your quit. Steve 9 months, 2 days.
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cherylmcc
cherylmcc

February 17th, 2005, 9:46 am #4

Tiffany -- please remember -- "this too shall pass" Thanks for posting, believe it or not, it helps others too. This is only how you feel at this moment of DAY 19 of your quit. It does get anger. The things you are describing, irritability, inability to stay focused, use of time issues, etc., have all been felt by others and it really does get better.

Now, I can't endorse eating brownie batter (raw eggs and all) but I can remind you of some great ways to lose weight. They involve devastating illness brought on by smoking.

Oh, that's right, you don't smoke anymore. Good for you. Great for you. You have made a wonderful commitment to yourself in spite of enormous difficulty.

You are doing it, little baby steps at a time. Sadly, feeling crummy some of the time can come with the territory. Remind yourself that these are just feelings and you know that smoking doen't change any feelings.

You are doing great. Hang in there

Cheryl - Free and Healing for Eight Months, Sixteen Days, 19 Hours and 37 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 18 Days and 2 Hours, by avoiding the use of 5216 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $1,186.35.
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Evolvingkaren1 GOLD
Evolvingkaren1 GOLD

February 17th, 2005, 10:01 am #5

Tiffany,
At 19 days you are well past the physical aspects of quiting. Attitude is everything from here on out. There will be alot of situations you must move through to reprogram your brain as a non smoker. Turn your head and walk away from the junkie--19 days is a strong quit--you're stronger than the struggling junkie now. Walk on. I'm so looking forward to making a whole year because I feel like I'll have then reprogramed most things in my life. It's a step at a time, a day at a time, but I assure you; everyday is better, everyday we're stronger and we'll deal with those 10 lbs. soon (remember you'd have to gain 100 lbs. to do as much damage as you'd done smoking). Give yourself a chance to heal--I can think of no major changed that took hold overnight, except death.
Karen A strong 5 month quit after 39 years and grateful to be here
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JoeJFree Gold
JoeJFree Gold

February 17th, 2005, 10:08 am #6

Hey Tiffany,

Don't know why I just thought of checking in on Freedom just now but I'm glad I did. I hope you're already better by the time you get to read this. At day 15, about that many days ago, I wrote in my journal = Just say no really does apply to this stage. I rememeber my third week was very much a RollerCoaster. My swings were intense and everything was 'right there' at the surface. That was also the time when I said, you've never ever NEVER EVER been off cigs this long (basically 2 to 2 1/2 weeks) Man this is feeling really good, no raspy voice, no coughing, not wheezing. Don't give that back. Tiff, you may not be doing those things YET but believe me you will. It happened to me and I've been very active and atheletic all my life. And so the question you have to ask youself now is - what kind of LIFE do I want tomorrow for me and my daughter? Make it thru tonight for you and your future with your little girl. Wanting to be here and stay around here for my kids helps me thru the rough spots, and they still come every day. But we ARE winnin Tiff. We can do this sister. If you can,get up & go outside and breathe real deep a few times. It will fell great, and it will get better 'With Every Breath You Take'! You've given yourself a great gift, hold it tight tonite. See you here tomorrow Tiff.
YQB JoeJFree a nicotine addict forever and an Ex-smoker for the last 37 days, 10 hours, 51 minutes and 35 seconds (37 days) NTAP!
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Georja1952
Georja1952

February 17th, 2005, 10:22 am #7

Wow Tiffany, you really are having a rough day today. Thanks for posting and reminding me that I was exactly where you were almost 11 months ago. And your post reminded me why I never want to start smoking again... I never want to go through what you are going through, what I went through, ever again!

I can bet that I cried more than you, I was the biggest boob! I gained 10 pounds my first month of my quit (I've lost 5 of those now). I thought about not smoking constantly, I counted the hours that passed and thought I can't stand this, I can't feel like this forever. Bottom line... I knew what it was like to not smoke and I wanted to be that person again and I was determined to beat this addiction.

Tiffany, I promise is does get easier, I promise you will go hours without even thinking about needing or wanting a smoke. I will also say that you are an addict, and you will always have occasional thoughts about smoking, but you are now at a point in your quit that your BODY does NOT NEED a fix. You need to adjust your attitude and become more possitive in what you are giving yourself and not what you are missing, and I say this with love, because I care about you. I know you knew this was not going to be easy, but I also know that you had reached a point (for what ever reason) that it was time to quit. Tiffany, it is still time to quit, and all your reasons why you quit are still valid.

Sure, the addict side of me still wishes it could have a smoke once in a while, but the educated ex-smoker knows that I can not have a single puff. ONE=ALL.

I know you've heard this before, but if your Freedom family can do this, so can you. We are proof that quitting is doable and some have been hardcore smokers rights addicts (me included). But we have reached the point that enough is enough.

Make your list of reasons to smoke... now make your list of reasons to quit smoking, can you really say that there is one GOOD reason to smoke. Yes, I liked to smoke but that's not a GOOD enough reason to slowly kill myself. Was I waiting for some evidence that I could see that I was killing myself? Yep! I thought because I was in great physical shape that I could still continue, cause I couldn't feel or see anything wrong with me, so I smoked and loved it!

But deep down, way down where I hid my true feelings, I knew I hated smoking, I worried about what I was doing to my body, I hated how much it was costing me per day, I hated the way I smelled, I hated the control, you know.. I really hated everything about smoking. I just lied to myself because I needed my fix and I was afraid of quitting.

I had my reasons and the day came when I said, I QUIT!

It was not a pretty sight, I'd blow-up at the little things (my 8 year old daughter can testify to that), I cried, I'd laid around and couldn't do anythnig (my house was a mess), I was a mess. But I wanted to quit more than I wanted to continue to smoke. So I toughed it out and I had to trust all those that had quit before me that it does get easier and guess what? They were right!

Geez, I guess I had to pay the price for what I did to myself and suffer some inconvience for a few weeks. I figure it is no comparison to the suffering I could put myself through if I continued to smoke until I saw the physical evidence to quit, but you know, it would be just as hard to quit later than today. I choose FREEDOM and so do you... you can do this... you are doing this...one day at a time!

I am so proud of you!
Again, thanks for posting and asking for help, you are doing the right thing. Tell me to shut-up now... :)

ONWARD... NTAP
Georja
11 months+
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TiffQuit
TiffQuit

February 17th, 2005, 10:38 am #8

Thank God for you guys. Thank you.


I feel a little sheepish. I'm a little "slow" emotionally speaking, so I think it was all just building up and needed out.

Tonight, I'm even smarter than my addiction, a little humbled, and a lot more grateful.

Joanne and Linda (grumpy?... pfft I saw you smiling in that picture!) thank you for the posts you popped up.

You all are amazing.


Tiffany - feeling much better (my optimism is showing again! yay!)
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Pamf777
Pamf777

February 17th, 2005, 11:22 am #9

Hey Tiff...I understand what you are experiencing...although every quit is different...we all have had rough moments that we wonder if we will make it or not...this is the junkey thinking...we are addicts...addicted to a substance that mames and kills..you have been free for 19 days...great job being a mom and a student...it is our junky mind that tells us a cigarette relieves stress....it causes stress...you have given yourself a wonderful gift by quitting...you know the saying...it is NOT always easy....but it is simple..NTAP You want to be there for your daughter...and healthy...As hard as it feels right now...sit down and really think about what it would be like if instead of craves you're fighting...you were going through surgery, chemo and radiation...how would your daughter feel??how would you do school??...My GI tract took awhile to regulate while I was quitting..about week 4 it started to go back to normal...some of the weight I gained came off..This used to be a real issue with me but I realized one issue at a time ..1st cigarettes..then weight...YOU CAN DO THIS TIFF....Just take one minute, then one hour then one day at a time....go back and look at Bryan's, Noni's and Kim's stories...I'm sure if they had had a clue that would happen to them, they would have quit in a minute..But they probably thought just like all of us do...It will never happen to me...You will get through this...Even though you're really busy with school and your daughter try to take alittle Tiff time.We are all pulling for you Tiff...You have a great quit going...keep up the good work...hug that quit tight YOU WILL DO THIS by NEVER TAKING ANOTHER PUFF!! Pam :) 48 days nic free and soooo thankful
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DlunyGOLD
DlunyGOLD

February 17th, 2005, 9:57 pm #10

Hi Tiffany and a belated welcome to FREEDOM! We are glad to have you with us on this journey.

Since it looks lke your "crisis" has passed I just wanted to remind you how much it means to all of us and what it says about your commitment to quitting that you came and read and posted with us, instead of making a trip to the store for a "quick fix" that would have simply made matters that much worse! It says a lot about you and your desire to stay with us--more than you can imagine, actually!

You will continue to have good days and bad days and, since you smoked for over 10 years, it is going to take a little time before your brain accepts "normal" as living without smoking. 19 days is not long enough to completely re-program your brain, but is a great head-start on the process. Remember that if you smoke now (or any time from here on out) you will eventually have to go through withdrawal and the first 19 days of a quit all over again (unless death takes you first).

I don't look at my quit as "forever, " I look at it as just today. Tomorrow I can smoke if I want to, but I don't think I will want to.

Looking forward to your GREENING!!!

Keep up the good quit! One day at a time never take another puff!

yqb, David One year, three months, one week, three days, 0 minutes and 46 seconds. 8424 cigarettes not smoked, saving $631.80. Life saved: 4 weeks, 1 day, 6 hours, 0 minutes.
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