John (Gold)
John (Gold)

April 12th, 2004, 9:23 pm #31

Acceptance
Last edited by John (Gold) on March 16th, 2009, 11:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joel
Joel

May 4th, 2004, 11:16 pm #32

I saw where a member who has been off a significant time period is seeming to be in a "bargaining" phase again. Actually, there is a phase that many people go through once they are off significant time periods that mimic bargaining. It is a stage of complacency.
The self talk a person may do when in complacency is the exact same self talk he or she may do when first quitting and bargaining. It will only be one, it'll get me through the crisis, it will be a terrible cigarette and help me secure my resolve, no one will ever know, and so on.
The only difference between the bargaining phase and the complacency phase is that when you are bargaining, you know all of the comments are lies and that you are just trying to convince yourself that you can have one. When in the state of complacency though you can believe everything you are saying. Whether you know the feelings are lies or not doesn't change the fact that they are lies.
You don't have the option of one and if you try to test the theory you are going to find yourself a smoker again. A smoker who is never going to have the support that you had last time (see Good news, our members don't relapse anymore... ) and more importantly, a smoker who may never have the strength, desire or worst yet, the opportunity to quit again.
To keep this quit going is contingent on keeping your initial reasons for wanting to quit and your current reasons for want to stay quit reinforced. The more you work at securing your resolve the easier it will be and the happier you will stay in your commitment to never take another puff!
Joel
Last edited by Joel on April 10th, 2009, 5:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
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justjudi gold
justjudi gold

June 8th, 2004, 11:06 pm #33

Joel, your message 100 on this thread is so on target. I've been a non-smoker since Jan. 21 of 2003. I won't let myself touch even one cigarette. I can't. I know I can't stop at one. The most difficult thing for me to admit was that I could not be a "social" smoker as so many people are, or claim to be. I can't have "just one" and then walk away. At a much younger stage of my life I took a break from smoking and told myself I was too smart to do that to my body. (I should have been, right?) Well, somewhere in the 4 years without a cigarette, I convinced myself that I had it all under control and I could have one from time to time and everything would be fine. That wasn't the case, and once I began smoking (bearing in mind the first few tasted horrible and I had to work on up to where they tasted good again -- how sick is that??) I could not stop. Thank God I know now that I do have this addiction and I can't cater to it in any way, shape or form. The only thing I can do is to never smoke again. We don't tell heroin addicts that it's okay to take one more hit, and we shouldn't tell ourselves it's okay to have one cigarette.

I believe I understand as well as anyone how difficult it is to find new coping mechanisms. For years, many of us escaped from reality by hiding behind nicotine and not addressing the situations that caused us stress. When the nicotine is gone, we have no choice but to deal with the myriad of emotions that flood us. It's not fun, and it's not easy. But try and remember that if you talk yourself into allowing one more cigarette, not only will you find yourself dealing with life's everyday problems, but also you will have to deal with quitting again. It's so much more difficult to stop when you've already done it and failed previously. It's worth it, but it's not easy.

People, please remember that you are worth the extra effort to get through life without cigarettes. Even if YOU don't think you are, someone out there does and don't you owe it to them to be the healthiest person that you can be?
Last edited by justjudi gold on March 16th, 2009, 11:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Rickrob53 Gold
Rickrob53 Gold

June 11th, 2004, 11:47 pm #34

Joel
(just thinking out loud): Your post in message 100 is very powerful in its own right. Is it possible to make that its own separate discussion thread?
(I see quit a few responses to members posts that have links to the Emotional Loss discussion concerning "bargaining", and then they go on to write about not getting complacent. Yet, its hard to find out just what complacency really means, unless a person searches through the Emotional Loss threads and happens across #100).

Richard
18 weeks, 1 day
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Joel
Joel

June 12th, 2004, 12:05 am #35

Done Richard: Complacency
Last edited by Joel on March 16th, 2009, 11:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joanne Gold
Joanne Gold

August 9th, 2004, 11:56 pm #36

For Chris again...
Once you reach the stage of acceptance, you get a true perspective of what smoking was doing to you and what not smoking can do for you. Within two weeks the addiction is broken and, hopefully, the stages are successfully overcome and, finally, life goes on.
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Joel
Joel

August 28th, 2004, 2:02 am #37

Bargaining is probably the most dangerous stage in the effort to stop smoking. "Oh boy, I could sneak this one and nobody will ever know it." "Things are really tough today, I will just have one to help me over this problem, no more after that." "Maybe I'll just smoke today, and quit again tomorrow." It may be months before these people even attempt to quit again.

From: Joel Sent: 5/4/2004 10:16 AM
I saw where a member who has been off a significant time period is seeming to be in a "bargaining" phase again. Actually, there is a phase that many people go through once they are off significant time periods that mimic bargaining. It is a stage of complacency.
The self talk a person may do when in complacency is the exact same self talk he or she may do when first quitting and bargaining. It will only be one, it'll get me through the crisis, it will be a terrible cigarette and help me secure my resolve, no one will ever know, and so on.
The only difference between the bargaining phase and the complacency phase is that when you are bargaining, you know all of the comments are lies and that you are just trying to convince yourself that you can have one. When in the state of complacency though you can believe everything you are saying. Whether you know the feelings are lies or not doesn't change the fact that they are lies.
You don't have the option of one and if you try to test the theory you are going to find yourself a smoker again. A smoker who is never going to have the support that you had last time (see Good news, our members don't relapse anymore...) and more importantly, a smoker who may never have the strength, desire or worst yet, the opportunity to quit again.
To keep this quit going is contingent on keeping your initial reasons for wanting to quit and your current reasons for want to stay quit reinforced. The more you work at securing your resolve the easier it will be and the happier you will stay in your commitment to never take another puff!
Joel
Last edited by Joel on April 10th, 2009, 5:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
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nycsep
nycsep

November 25th, 2004, 12:37 am #38

I can totally relate to this as I'm 9 days into my quit. I CANNOT stop crying about everything! I have more energy but this helped me think that I'm displacing my reason for crying. I'm looking for an acceptable excuse and I think the chemicals in my body are going for a real ride. Keep kleenex close by and saying through the tears, "I will not smoke today."
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

January 2nd, 2005, 11:32 pm #39

Acceptance
Patience! It's coming, we promise!
Last edited by John (Gold) on March 16th, 2009, 11:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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OBob Gold
OBob Gold

January 11th, 2005, 6:35 am #40

Last edited by OBob Gold on April 10th, 2009, 5:53 am, edited 2 times in total.
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BillW Gold.ffn
BillW Gold.ffn

January 16th, 2005, 11:27 pm #41

Hi RickD, and welcome to Freedom!

Fantasy cigarettes sound like the Bargaining phase of grieving for your addiction. It means that your quit is progressing, and you are healing.... just remember to win the argument against that inner voice that says "just one...".
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

February 19th, 2005, 6:53 am #42

There's a rose bud slowly opening and it's you!
Last edited by John (Gold) on March 16th, 2009, 11:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

March 25th, 2005, 11:22 pm #43

  • Not one tastebud inside either lung, where we intentionally sucked smoke
  • No love lost for the 43 carcinogens in each puff
  • No love for any of the 4,000 non-flavor chemicals
  • No love when we waited too long and badly needed a fix
  • No love for having interrupted some of life's best moments to leave and feed
  • No love for paying our own money to slowly destroy a bit more of our body's ability to receive and transport life-giving oxygen
  • No love for killing ourself 13 to 14 years early
  • Knowledge that 100% of cigarette flavor additives are still available in non-addictive form
  • Knowledge that the more than 200 neurochemicals we used nicotine to steal were each already ours.
  • Knowledge that arresting our chemical dependency and returning neurochemical control to us and life is as basic as no nicotine just one day at a time, to Never Take Another Puff!
  • An appreciation for the fact that every cessation related sensation we experience during this amazing temporary journey of re-adjustment is part of our healing at the physical (re-sensitization), subconscious (trigger re-conditioning) or conscious level (an opportunity to shed honest light on years of denial rationalizations, minimizations and blame transference).
  • The honest realization that with each passing day the challenges will gradually become fewer, shorter in duration and generally less intense.
  • An understanding that should we experience a few days during early recovery without significant challenge that we will naturally drop our coping defenses, and when a challenge is at last encountered it may feel more intense - a wonderful sign that the gaps between challenges are widening.
Our dependency is now under arrest.
Free and healing, the next few moments are doable!
Last edited by John (Gold) on March 17th, 2009, 1:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
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BillW Gold.ffn
BillW Gold.ffn

April 19th, 2005, 12:27 am #44

For MaryMac, with my condolences.

I have also lost loved ones, and the process of grieving the loss of a loved one is very similar to the process of "grieving" the loss of an addiction.

In both cases, you really can't go back. You can't allow yourself to become stuck in one phase forever, either.

The way out is the way through. God be with you.

BillW
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whosthisitsmesilly
whosthisitsmesilly

March 23rd, 2006, 12:40 am #45

Ive had all the stages. The last one was depression What for? I used the tools i have read on here to cope with it and use logic. Especialy when i have been out with friends who smoke and ive had a drink with. I think its coping being me now ! without nicotine. I have accepted its an addiction and i dont need nicotine. I can live life and enjoy it without nicotine.


I have been quit for 2 Weeks, 16 hours, 41 minutes and 12 seconds (14 days). I have saved £60.98 by not smoking 293 cigarettes. I have saved 1 Day and 25 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 08/03/2006 00:00
cathy
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chel
chel

April 12th, 2006, 6:46 pm #46

I thought I had acceptance but yesterday and today Ive been dipping into depression
all the great education on here and my head (addict) is telling me Ill never be happy without cigs.boy do I know that one and of course smoking does not make me happyI have been quit for 4 Weeks, 2 Days, 5 hours, 46 minutes and 3 seconds (30 days). I have saved £78.62 by not smoking 302 cigarettes. I have saved 1 Day, 1 hour and 10 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 13/03/2006 06:00
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JoeJFree Gold
JoeJFree Gold

October 22nd, 2006, 2:25 am #47

If you have not yet read Joel's Library from cover to cover at least once then now is a great time. Don't skip the "Why Do People Smoke" chapter as it's loaded with pearls of wisdom on a host of logical yet faulty rationalizations. The chapter is a wonderful aid in helping sort through years of often less than honest thinking.
Baby steps! The next few minutes are entirely doable and there is only one rule - no nicotine, not a puff! Everything you did while dependent upon nicotine you can do as well as or better as "you!" I know it's hard to believe right now but before long you'll see that it's much much easier being a comfortable and relaxed ex-smoker than it ever was feeding nicotine's never ending two-hour chemical half-life! Just one rule ... no nicotine just one hour, challenge and day at a time. The next few minutes are all that matter and each is entirely do-able!
Breathe deep, hug hard, live long! John
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Joel
Joel

November 25th, 2006, 3:46 am #48

The video version of this thread:
The emotional stages of loss Dial UP
3.05mb
HS/BB
30.4mb
Audio
1.23mb
Length
08:18
09/28/06
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VICKIGOLD2006
VICKIGOLD2006

February 23rd, 2007, 3:26 am #49

This is the thread that made this all possible for me...thanks Joel

VICKI - Free and Healing for Six Months, Nineteen Days, 21 Hours and 56 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 14 Days and 3 Hours, by avoiding the use of 4078 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $925.35.
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JoeJFree Gold
JoeJFree Gold

March 14th, 2007, 3:21 am #50

From Paragraph 9 of the initial post by Joel:

.....What does all this have to do with why people don't quit smoking? People who attempt to give up smoking go through these five stages. They must successfully overcome each specific phase to deal with the next. Some people have particular difficulty conquering a specific phase, .......
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Joel
Joel

August 3rd, 2007, 6:49 am #51

Bargaining is probably the most dangerous stage in the effort to stop smoking. "Oh boy, I could sneak this one and nobody will ever know it." "Things are really tough today, I will just have one to help me over this problem, no more after that." "Maybe I'll just smoke today, and quit again tomorrow." It may be months before these people even attempt to quit again.
I could have added this one to the paragraph above:

"Maybe its just too dangerous for me to quit smoking."
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SMJ69
SMJ69

February 14th, 2008, 10:43 am #52

Thanks, I needed that.

Steve, Free for 3 weeks, 2 days,23 minutes , 41 secs, having not smoked 479 death sticks, saving 116.15, gaining 1 day , 15 mins.
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Krissy
Krissy

March 22nd, 2010, 6:36 pm #53

Boy, I can really relate to the depression.  I am on day 22, and I am not having a very good few days.  I think I probably am mourning the loss of cigarrettes.   
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donendusted
donendusted

June 11th, 2010, 1:16 am #54

Hi Joel and all others who have contributed to this forum.
Deb - Free and Healing for Twenty Five Days, 3 Hours and 1 Minute, while extending my life expectancy 1 Day and 7 Hours, by avoiding the use of 377 death sticks that would have cost me $207.50.
You would think I had hopefully zoomed past these stages as I have now been nicotine free for 25 days. I seem to be experiencing a huge problem with craving, for the last 2 - 3 days I feel like I absolutely must have a cigarette. So much so that I have not been able to focus on my work, my poor family have had the sharp end of the stick. My husband was supposed to be quitting nicotine with me but has had a relapse and I'm sure I am feeling like I have been left behind. Why does he get to enjoy (lol) the evil monsters if I can't. I have been fixating on situations where we used to enjoy a nice hot coffee (it's winter here in Oz). I have come to realise it is the situations I am missing and not the cigarette. The crave has been so strong yesterday and today, I nearly went and bought a packet this morning. Thank heavens I didn't. And I have been reading lots of info on the whyquit site but hadn't stumbled across the right thing until now. After reading the info on emotional loss I am stuck, stuck, stuck in the "Depression - "Looks like I'm going to make it but how can I possibly function without smoking nicotine?" "I don't feel like smoker and I'm no comfortable ex-smoker either." "I feel lost." "I feel so alone." s
tage.
I have been feeling incredibly isolated as my husband is smoking and I feel like I have no-one to share the trials, tribulations and successes with. This has most definitely helped me a great deal today and prevented an almost certain relapse.
Thanks All.

Last edited by donendusted on June 11th, 2010, 1:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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hwc
hwc

June 11th, 2010, 5:41 am #55

Just so you know you are not alone, I found weeks 3 and 4 to be what I describe as "very tedious". The newness and adreneline rush of the first days is over, but you aren't far enough along to be feeling a lot of comfort yet. I was never in danger of smoking, but there were times when I was really tired of working thru crave/triggers. Honestly, you just have to keep trudging along, using the same tools that have gotten you this far. Count each day as a win and know that its a dynamic process. Today isn't like yesterday and tomorrow won't be like today.
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