Days I just wanted to Die

Days I just wanted to Die

Melissa777 Gold
Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

15 Jul 2003, 10:34 #1


I was laying in bed this am thinking about life in general.
I do that a lot now because there is no rush to get up and get a fix.

I thought about a lot of things and just before I got up it dawned on me that smoking was not one of my first thoughts as a matter of fact it only came to mind when I was thinking about all the really bad stuff I have been through in life.

There were days early in my quit that I just wanted to die.
Death seemed a better option then what I was feeling trying to quit.

I remember being on the bathroom floor crying so hard I was gagging (smoking realted) I never gag anymore.
Why the Bathroom floor you may ask, I have no earthly idea.

I mean it could have just as easily been the bed or a chair, but I was just losing it and nothing I did or said was making much sense.

My husband got on his knees and said "what can I do to help"? I used words he was not accustomed to hearing from me and told him I needed to smoke and that I couldn't do it.
I repeated over and over "I just cannot do this".
I didn't realize until much later that while I was saying I just cannot do this... I was doing it! I was getting through what ever life threw my way.
It wasn't necessarily the best way I can think of to handle emotions, but I was new to it at the time and did the best I could.

I was new to not smoking when things got hard and putting aside what ever the problem was until I smoked two or three.

Simple everyday life things came at me when I first quit and I felt overwhelmed. I mean my car needed work and they actually wanted me to wait while they fixed it! I couldn't see doing that ...didn't they know I couldn't smoke while I waited? that I didn't know how to wait and not smoke?
It felt like the world would end that day.

It didn't though, I got something to drink and looked around at things I didn't notice much before like the beauty of the sky, the trees flowing in the wind, Flowers in bloom, birds
chirping. I guess that was all clouded before by all that smoke I so blindly sat in thinking I had it all together.

I look back on all of it and there were 100's of times I said
"I cannot do this"
100's of times I said"I am just going to smoke this too hard"
100's of times I said this isn't the right time and got in my car to go buy a pack.
AND 100's of times I got through each temptation each so called crave some I really believe were just thoughts.
100's of times I got out of the car realizing that smoking was not the answer and that I already had everything I needed inside me to deal with life and in my house in my husband and children.

I hated the fact hat I had even tried to quit because now people expected me not to smoke.
They looked forward to a healthier me.
My logic was if I had not tried to quit I could still smoke with out letting anyone down. I hated my own Quit I hated that I had ever tried to quit at all! I believed I was in prison and smokers were free.

I began to think dying from lung cancer would be better then feeling as bad a s I was. How utterly stupid! SO Pathetic!
I am embarrassed to say I thought that way.
That thinking now makes me laugh and cringe too, I cannot believe I thought that way and actually tried to make logical arguments out of junkie thinking. I actually got mad when anyone said my arguments made no sense.
I no longer have those kinds of thoughts at all.

I resented people in my life enjoying anything. I would see my husband sit down and act like he enjoyed drinking his coffee and I would just steam inside, because I didn't feel I had anything left to enjoy. He Wanted me to stay quit, but he could sit there doing all the same things he had always done while I had top relearn everything.
I just resented it, because at the time there was nothing I enjoyed I even hated eating because I didn't know what to do with myself after I was done.
Now I just feel full like everyone else when I am done eating and I am not looking for anything else to do.
The act of eating for me now is complete when the meal is done. seems simple enough and the way it was always meant to be.

I hated waking up because it meant doing things different then I could ever remember doing. I actually ate breakfast instead of smoking for my morning meal.
I hated soda because I associated that with smoking.

It seemed all the things that once made me happy I now disliked. I hurt inside daily for a while like someone had died... I mean down to my soul deep, deep, pain. I had no clue who I was now or how to live my life.
I mean I cried! For Me crying was rare.
It took something like death or serious illness of a loved one to make me shed a tear before.
I was not a sensitive type of female at all.
Here I was now crying if someone looked at me wrong.
I felt silly too, I felt like I must look funny doing this instead of smoking. I thought smoking made me look cool like I was deep in thought even when I wasn't.
I thought it masked pain so I just appeared unshaken to whom ever was around.

I found out later that most of family saw me as not very strong at all because I needed that crutch to deal with everything even shopping. I also found out that my pain was never masked they saw right through it all.

I was never this cool tuff girl I had created in my own head to them just and addict who smoked to deal with life and they saw long before I did that it never solved anything.

It was horrible at times and really hard to do, the hardest thing I have ever done in fact. At the same time it is by far one of the biggest, best, and most important accoplishments in my life.

I love soda, and all other foods probably to much now,
more than I ever did smoking. I am no longer resentful toward other people because they are enjoying things in life, because I am enjoying those things with them.

Waking up is only hard for me now when I didn't get enough sleep. I do not wake up feeling like anything is missing.

I am no longer plagued with thoughts of smoking, not smoking, how hard it is or isn't, anything else smoking related.
II think my days are just normal days now.

I get through my day and smoking doesn't cross my mind.
Neither does the fact that I am not smoking.
I just live life the same way everyone else does.

I am not saying that smoking or the fact that I used to do it doesn't enter my mind. I wouldn't be here today if it didn't.
But it crosses my mind in a very different way now.
I want others to know it can be done no matter how hard and impossible it seems at first. I think about all the help I got here and want to give back. I have regrets now, but it is not that I quit.. It is that I ever started.
I also hope I didn't do irreversible damage.
those are my thoughts now.

I know I never needed it. I know life is livable, enjoyable, and doable without them. My life is better! I am serious.
I am not just saying that, it is real.
Just how much better I feel physically alone is worth every minute I suffered in the beginning. Not to mention all the other benifits. If you stick it out, you will be here listing all the ways your life has improved just hoping someone will believe what you say so that they also stick it out.

I could have given in, but had I done that, I would never know the comfort I know now, the health, the happiness and the peace. There is an elation that comes with no longer being a prisoner to something that is killing you.
If I had given in I would still be smoking my life away believing freedom is unobtainable and continuing to poison myself until early death came my way.

Stick it out! It gets better! As bad as it gets trying to quit, being terminally ill would be much worse.
Tobacco companies have had enough of your money, they are filthy rich while they rob you of not only your money but your health and ultimately your life.
Use your lungs for breathing air the way they were meant to be used and watch and see how much better life will get.

Smoking is something I no longer choose to do. It no longer has a hold on me. I am no longer it's prisoner.
I am not consumed by thoughts of it.
I believed what was said here "IT GETS BETTER" I hung on to those words, fought through it, and you know what they were right.
So much better! It is only better because I stuck it out and never took another puff!
Days of just wanting to die are now over I have peace and want to live a long life and watch my kid grow.
I hope this helps anyone here struggling.
I was blessed enough with the People here helping see light in total darkness and lies in my head and I just want to help where I can now that I am in the light of truth.
Melissa nine months free tomorrow

Roger (Gold)
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

15 Jul 2003, 11:37 #2


Welcome to the world of an educated & comfortable x-smoker who sees addiction through entirely different eyes. Welcome to life as it was meant to be when we were granted our first breath of fresh clean air.


OBob Gold
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

15 Jul 2003, 12:00 #3

Awesome, classic post, Melissa! One that I have no doubt will help many into the future.


ImageBob (18 months free)

GrumpyOMrsS (Gold)
Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:00

15 Jul 2003, 12:20 #4

Hi Melissa,

What a nice post to read before signing off for the day. Congratulations on 9 months of Freedom. I can only tell you that as good as you feel now, it only gets better and better.

You words will help our newer member see that those first few days and weeks of withdrawal are only temporary and our comfort increases and grows with each day as long as we remember to never take another puff.
3 and a half years free

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

15 Jul 2003, 12:41 #5

Hi Melissa!! Thank you for your awesome post!!! I know I can truly relate to your post and I am sure I am not alone. Your thoughts are powerful and show your struggles. Your thoughts are my thoughts. I have felt much the same and I know that life is truly better without having an addiction to deal with. It just takes time to get it all out of our systems I think. ( mentally I mean ) I am feeling great and I really mean it. It really does get better. I have moments and setbacks but I know that day will come when I will just see life for what it is. Life. No need to escape and that time is now for me and it is bringing me into the future one day at a time without a single puff!! Thank you Melissa!!! YQS Lena 7 months 10 days!!Image

Jim Gold
Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

15 Jul 2003, 13:23 #6

Hi Melissa!

Congratulations on 9 Months Free!!

Quitting is a simple but sometimes tough row-to-hoe.

In the long run, not smoking is the better choice because it is a less complicated and less cluttered way of living. Complications and clutter cloud our minds and existence and, at times, can make it difficult to see the truth of life itself.

Always remember your past life as a smoker.

NEVER forget the negative aspects of living a smoker's life. NEVER forget how it was to run out of smokes late at night. NEVER forget standing in line at the convenience store or gas station to spend your hard earned $money$ to buy a DRUG. NEVER forget the looks and stares of non-smokers while you stood outside puffing away to build up your blood-serum nicotine levels so that you could feel "normal" and continue with your day-to-day business.

ALWAYS remember your past smoker's life and EVERY DAY compare it to your current x-smoker's life. Isn't TODAY better than yesterday? Of course it is! And every day hereafter gets better too!
One Day at a Time

Smoke-free ROCKS!

15 months

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:59

15 Jul 2003, 14:14 #7

Hi melissa
Well done for reaching nine months,thats the same as the time we spend in the womb and you are born again,the story of your journey is incredible and inspirational.
Rickdabler 4 months 6 days 3hrs 10mins happily nicotine free.Image

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

15 Jul 2003, 18:53 #8

Hi Melissa,
I also hung on to the words "It Get's Better" and it sure does. Nine months for me to Hon.
I have been quit for 9 Months, 2 Days, 7 hours, 53 minutes and 21 seconds (275 days). I have saved $1,927.29 by not smoking 11,013 cigarettes. I have saved 1 Month, 1 Week, 5 hours and 45 minutes of my life.
Last edited by CookiesGold on 08 Mar 2009, 12:26, edited 1 time in total.

marty (gold)
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:59

15 Jul 2003, 19:07 #9

Terrific post, Melissa
It's strange that the men seem to make those reflective, thoughtful posts after twelve months, and the women make them after nine months Image I wonder why that would be ? Image
Recalling the way we used to think and act in those early weeks is a chastening experience indeed. But it's a worthwhile exercise for two reasons. First, it shows us how far we've come, and reminds us that we never want to go back there ! And second, it's a huge help to our newbies who maybe still believe that quitting will always be the burden it is in the early weeks.
Thanks for taking the trouble to make such an inspiring post.
NOT A PUFF for two years, seven months, two weeks, : 17221 cigarettes not smoked, saving $6,027.30: Life saved: 8 weeks, 3 days
Last edited by marty (gold) on 08 Mar 2009, 12:29, edited 1 time in total.

John (Gold)
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

15 Jul 2003, 19:27 #10

Thank you soooooo much for all the memories, Melissa. Been there, done that, and now I'm "me" again! I join Linda in confidently assuring you that the richness of blending comfortably back into life and humanity will only increase in the months and years to come. This is an amazing journey of adjustment. What I find amazing is that you made new arrivals constantly "think" about smoking for the few minutes you held their attention and I'll bet that never once did they "want" to smoke nicotine.
It's something that new arrivals simply can't comprehend. If they could climb inside the minds of each long term quitter and stay as they typed their words of wisdom, learning and encouragement to new arrivals, they'd be utterly shocked at the calmness they'd find and the total absence of "wanting" to smoke. When I tell quitters that I have not had a conscious "thought" of "wanting" to smoke for over at least year and a half they must think me dishonest. "How could that be?" "Impossible", they say, but true none the less.

It isn't that way for all but I've had a rather intense cessation history and like you and so many others here I took this journey to heart. I love being free. I figure that being here and working our way through all the different alleged reasons for want ( friend, boredom, like, love, taste, smell) while putting each under honest light, has left many here with little or nothing to romanticize about. I figure that unlike normal quitters, who don't invest so much thought exploring the very roots of their addiction history, many here will soon run out of reasons to cling to the lies that you did a great job exposing.
Be proud of you Melissa! A wonderful wonderful post! You've come far yet in many ways your wonderful journey is just beginning.

Breathe deep, hug hard, live long!

Last edited by John (Gold) on 08 Mar 2009, 12:27, edited 1 time in total.