Days I just wanted to Die

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

09 May 2004, 07:06 #41

Thankyou you so much Melissa for having shared your thoughts on here when you did.... it was exactly what I needed to read this morning and it is so very encouraging also.

"I hurt inside daily for a while like someone had died... I mean down to my soul deep, deep, pain. I had no clue who I was now or how to live my life.
I mean I cried! For Me crying was rare.
It took something like death or serious illness of a loved one to make me shed a tear before.
I was not a sensitive type of female at all.
Here I was now crying if someone looked at me wrong."

I feel like this right now, not because of my quit. But because I'm feeling depressed, but now I am developing new (healthier!) ways to cope with the emotions running amok within me. No more poison to push down my feelings.
I don't really know what to say, except for another heartfelt thankyou to Melissa and everyone else that is willing to share their journey on here. This is a wonderful and supportive community.

*and* never, ever take another puff!

ImageEmilie - Free and Healing for One Month, Three Days, 15 Hours and 6 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 1 Day and 18 Hours, by not smoking 504 cancer sticks that would have cost me $143.12.Image

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

09 May 2004, 09:24 #42

Melissa, Thank you so much for this post. I have been feeling like this for a couple of days now........hurting inside so much like my whole world has just turned so bleak around me.
The words you wrote really hit home for me as I have been having these awful feelings of hopelessness and dispair...which is so unlike me normally. I am generally an optimistic guy and I am trying so hard to keep a positive attitude but it's hard sometimes. To know there are others that have truly experienced what I myself am feeling and made it through the things that I am going through right now give me such a ray of hope
Gosh has this helped me today. I keep reading and reading....learning as much as I so I will NTAP while feeling such worthlessness and dispair but I have made it another day looking for that sun through these clouds and by golly I think I can see it get a little brighter now.
Mark 19 days smober and downhill to Green.

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

14 May 2004, 08:42 #43

Melissa, I came here suffering and looking for hope, looking for those who felt the same pain and made it through. Your experience is one that kept me strong enough to make it through some horrible, horrible days. Thank you for sharing your story -- it is one I will always remember. Aloha,
amber - Free and Healing for Five Days, 18 Hours and 54 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 4 Hours, by avoiding the use of 58 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $15.92.

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

15 Jul 2004, 00:54 #44

Melissa I love your post.
I, like many others on this forum, totally understand your previous feelings and your feelings now. And I have only been quit for a little over a week and I feel so good. WOO HOO!!! We are AWESOME!


1 week 3 days 13 hours 53 min nic free

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

10 Sep 2004, 09:47 #45

Hi Melissa!

This is a great post that really touched a chord with me. Except, instead of the bathroom floor, I lost it in the middle of my office on a floor otherwise filled with men. I have never cried much in front of people but this day (I can't believe it was just a few days ago) I stood in my office and bawled like a baby, loud and clear for everyone to hear and I didn't care. I was so sad and lost and couldn't stand the pain. I howled like a dog.

However, it did end. And I didn't smoke and now, just a short time later, I feel better than I have in years. I also think I am on my way to being a softer, nicer person. Thanks so much for sharing, my friend. It really does help so much to know that we are not alone in this. And it is also glorious to share in our clear and shining smoke-free future!

Cheering everyone all the way!
- Nic

Nic has been nic-free for 11 days, 2 hours and 45 minutes; 166 nails not in my coffin; $66.40 extra in my purse - YAY!!

lo bluestocking
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

16 Apr 2005, 03:45 #46

Melissa -
Another big thank you for posting this... proof yet again that hearing about others' experiences really does help.

I'm the sort who finds it difficult to admit my weaknesses -- even when it comes to this quit. I find it easier to hide behind this idea that quitting smoking is easy (all the time)... and that I never go through craves so awful that they make me want to give up.

I hate myself sometimes for the way I envy smokers who can perform the act so thoughtlessly... not seeming to realize that they are controlled by a substance. Every time I find myself slipping back into that mode of thinking, I come back here. And I read. And I remember that that act of smoking -- it just isn't what I remember it was.

In any case -- no more rambling. Just wanted to bump this up. And add another thanks. Because things like this -- really amazing on a day like today, when I've had a bit of a difficult time of it.

My mantra has become "this will get better"...

on the cusp of the 16th day of not lighting up

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

19 Apr 2005, 07:49 #47

I totally agree! I felt like that so many times before when I tried to quit and I became convinced that breaking that addiction could NOT be causing that much pain; that life really must be horrible without smoking. But this time, with all the information-I just take those days as they come and cry and cry and cry fi I need to and know that this too shall pass!

I have been quit for 1 Week, 17 hours, 49 minutes and 24 seconds (7 days). I have saved $23.16 by not smoking 116 cigarettes. I have saved 9 hours and 40 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 4/11/2005 12:00 AM

JoeJFree Gold
Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

25 May 2005, 23:49 #48

Sending out a long distance dedication today - For a special Friend who listens to the Freedom Broadcasting Network thru the local affiliate - WKRP! Image Image

So if you're lost and on your own
You can never surrender
And if your path won't lead you home
You can never surrender
And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
Cause no one can take away your right
To fight and never surrender
To never surrender

"I could have given in, but had I done that, I would never know the comfort I know now, the health, the happiness and the peace. There is an elation that comes with no longer being a prisoner to something that is killing you."

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:01

22 Feb 2006, 05:07 #49

ImageTo Mellissa,
I have felt really bad today and this eveningI was just browsing through the messages board and found this old thread.
It helped me and gave me hope, I know it will get better just got to be patient.
Thanks Mellissa and I hope bringing this post up it will give some comfort to any newbies out there that are having a difficult time.
SueImage NTAP
Free 7 weeks 2days and 20 hours after 45 years of puffing

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

25 May 2006, 10:57 #50

wow Melissa
I just want to say this post is incredible. I smoked for over 30 years. I haven't been quit all that long. I don't think it was as bad for me as it was for you. I know every quit is different and if I started again and had to quit again (which isn't going to happen) it could be better or worse than it was this time. Still I really relate to a lot of the things you went through. You have described the sensations so beautifully. The mixed emotions and relearning everything, the confusion, loss and pain. It is all in this post. But you came out on the other side and you are better for it. I think because it was easier for me I have been a little insensitive to how hard it can be for others. I have been thinking it isn't just simple it really was pretty easy, but the truth is I am only 1 month in and I am still in choppy waters. I have a lot of triggers ahead and I am going to be in some situations that could turn things ugly. So thanks for giving me the proper respect again. Its not an easy thing, just really worth whatever it takes!

1 month free