Days I just wanted to Die

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

09 May 2004, 07:06 #41

Thankyou you so much Melissa for having shared your thoughts on here when you did.... it was exactly what I needed to read this morning and it is so very encouraging also.

"I hurt inside daily for a while like someone had died... I mean down to my soul deep, deep, pain. I had no clue who I was now or how to live my life.
I mean I cried! For Me crying was rare.
It took something like death or serious illness of a loved one to make me shed a tear before.
I was not a sensitive type of female at all.
Here I was now crying if someone looked at me wrong."

I feel like this right now, not because of my quit. But because I'm feeling depressed, but now I am developing new (healthier!) ways to cope with the emotions running amok within me. No more poison to push down my feelings.
I don't really know what to say, except for another heartfelt thankyou to Melissa and everyone else that is willing to share their journey on here. This is a wonderful and supportive community.

*and* never, ever take another puff!

Emilie - Free and Healing for One Month, Three Days, 15 Hours and 6 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 1 Day and 18 Hours, by not smoking 504 cancer sticks that would have cost me $143.12.
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

09 May 2004, 09:24 #42

Melissa, Thank you so much for this post. I have been feeling like this for a couple of days now........hurting inside so much like my whole world has just turned so bleak around me.
The words you wrote really hit home for me as I have been having these awful feelings of hopelessness and dispair...which is so unlike me normally. I am generally an optimistic guy and I am trying so hard to keep a positive attitude but it's hard sometimes. To know there are others that have truly experienced what I myself am feeling and made it through the things that I am going through right now give me such a ray of hope
Gosh has this helped me today. I keep reading and reading....learning as much as I so I will NTAP while feeling such worthlessness and dispair but I have made it another day looking for that sun through these clouds and by golly I think I can see it get a little brighter now.
Mark 19 days smober and downhill to Green.
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

14 May 2004, 08:42 #43

Melissa, I came here suffering and looking for hope, looking for those who felt the same pain and made it through. Your experience is one that kept me strong enough to make it through some horrible, horrible days. Thank you for sharing your story -- it is one I will always remember. Aloha,
amber - Free and Healing for Five Days, 18 Hours and 54 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 4 Hours, by avoiding the use of 58 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $15.92.
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

15 Jul 2004, 00:54 #44

Melissa I love your post.
I, like many others on this forum, totally understand your previous feelings and your feelings now. And I have only been quit for a little over a week and I feel so good. WOO HOO!!! We are AWESOME!


likethewind33

1 week 3 days 13 hours 53 min nic free
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

10 Sep 2004, 09:47 #45

Hi Melissa!

This is a great post that really touched a chord with me. Except, instead of the bathroom floor, I lost it in the middle of my office on a floor otherwise filled with men. I have never cried much in front of people but this day (I can't believe it was just a few days ago) I stood in my office and bawled like a baby, loud and clear for everyone to hear and I didn't care. I was so sad and lost and couldn't stand the pain. I howled like a dog.

However, it did end. And I didn't smoke and now, just a short time later, I feel better than I have in years. I also think I am on my way to being a softer, nicer person. Thanks so much for sharing, my friend. It really does help so much to know that we are not alone in this. And it is also glorious to share in our clear and shining smoke-free future!

Cheering everyone all the way!
- Nic

Nic has been nic-free for 11 days, 2 hours and 45 minutes; 166 nails not in my coffin; $66.40 extra in my purse - YAY!!
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Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

16 Apr 2005, 03:45 #46

Melissa -
Another big thank you for posting this... proof yet again that hearing about others' experiences really does help.

I'm the sort who finds it difficult to admit my weaknesses -- even when it comes to this quit. I find it easier to hide behind this idea that quitting smoking is easy (all the time)... and that I never go through craves so awful that they make me want to give up.

I hate myself sometimes for the way I envy smokers who can perform the act so thoughtlessly... not seeming to realize that they are controlled by a substance. Every time I find myself slipping back into that mode of thinking, I come back here. And I read. And I remember that that act of smoking -- it just isn't what I remember it was.

In any case -- no more rambling. Just wanted to bump this up. And add another thanks. Because things like this -- really amazing on a day like today, when I've had a bit of a difficult time of it.

My mantra has become "this will get better"...

lo
on the cusp of the 16th day of not lighting up
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

19 Apr 2005, 07:49 #47

I totally agree! I felt like that so many times before when I tried to quit and I became convinced that breaking that addiction could NOT be causing that much pain; that life really must be horrible without smoking. But this time, with all the information-I just take those days as they come and cry and cry and cry fi I need to and know that this too shall pass!

Stephanie
I have been quit for 1 Week, 17 hours, 49 minutes and 24 seconds (7 days). I have saved $23.16 by not smoking 116 cigarettes. I have saved 9 hours and 40 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 4/11/2005 12:00 AM
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Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

25 May 2005, 23:49 #48

Sending out a long distance dedication today - For a special Friend who listens to the Freedom Broadcasting Network thru the local affiliate - WKRP!

So if you're lost and on your own
You can never surrender
And if your path won't lead you home
You can never surrender
And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
Cause no one can take away your right
To fight and never surrender
To never surrender


"I could have given in, but had I done that, I would never know the comfort I know now, the health, the happiness and the peace. There is an elation that comes with no longer being a prisoner to something that is killing you."
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:01

22 Feb 2006, 05:07 #49

To Mellissa,
I have felt really bad today and this eveningI was just browsing through the messages board and found this old thread.
It helped me and gave me hope, I know it will get better just got to be patient.
Thanks Mellissa and I hope bringing this post up it will give some comfort to any newbies out there that are having a difficult time.
Sue NTAP
Free 7 weeks 2days and 20 hours after 45 years of puffing
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Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

25 May 2006, 10:57 #50

wow Melissa
I just want to say this post is incredible. I smoked for over 30 years. I haven't been quit all that long. I don't think it was as bad for me as it was for you. I know every quit is different and if I started again and had to quit again (which isn't going to happen) it could be better or worse than it was this time. Still I really relate to a lot of the things you went through. You have described the sensations so beautifully. The mixed emotions and relearning everything, the confusion, loss and pain. It is all in this post. But you came out on the other side and you are better for it. I think because it was easier for me I have been a little insensitive to how hard it can be for others. I have been thinking it isn't just simple it really was pretty easy, but the truth is I am only 1 month in and I am still in choppy waters. I have a lot of triggers ahead and I am going to be in some situations that could turn things ugly. So thanks for giving me the proper respect again. Its not an easy thing, just really worth whatever it takes!

1 month free
DrD
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

09 Jun 2006, 07:32 #51

Thank you Melissa,

I can almost touch the pain you describe in this post. I have just reached 3 weeks and the last few days I have really been fighting the "loss" feeling. This post has helped, as have a number of your other posts - I read them and then read them again.

Jo ~ I have been quit for 3 Weeks, 9 hours and 11 minutes (21 days). I have saved $230.93 by not smoking 577 cigarettes. I have saved 2 Days and 5 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 19/05/2006 12:20 AM
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

20 Jul 2006, 14:40 #52

Dear Melissa,
Me also can feel the pain you went through that time. Here the newbe like us can get strength from the people like you, we can see that even with the pain and cry you made it many months. I like to hear from you about your present experence.
Thanks,With
Rabby

Day 13
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Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

28 Jan 2007, 09:36 #53

Melissa;

I don't know if you are around lately; I can imagine you hate thinking of your junky past. But your string was (and is) so beautifull I had to think of it day and night. So clear and so good. It made me quit smoking. I read it 10000 times. Thanks.

Frits (50 days or so)
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

31 Jan 2007, 02:43 #54

Thank you Melissa. Thank you so much for having the guts to put this up there. I don't know where I am in my quit (off nicotine patch 1/21/07, smokes 1/1/07) but I relate to the first part of your journey. You give me courage and hope to continue.

Best to you,
Antonia
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

08 Apr 2007, 13:37 #55

Melissa,
Thank you for your post-it made me cry.
I have never made it past a month before without being so suicidal that even my doctor told me to get a pack and be there first thing in the morning. I still miss locking out the pain and the stress of life with nicotine-but I will never take another puff. I have new compassion for meth addicts, because the reality of my addiction is in my face every day.
Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone in this horrible struggle. Life is life. Nicotine never made anything better-it was just a grand distraction.
34 days clean.
Deb
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:02

02 Aug 2007, 05:54 #56

Wow!!! What an amazing post. I know it's a few years old, but wow. Brought tears to my eyes. No wonder it has so many recommendations; another from me. Thank you, Melissa, for putting yourself and your pain out there. Also, thank you for putting your triumph and elation out there for all to see. It's people like you, and posts like yours that really inspire us newbies to keep up the good fight and to NTAP.

Peace, Litahni

I have been quit for 1 Month, 1 Week, 6 Days, 5 hours, 13 minutes and 12 seconds (44 days). I have saved $176.86 by not smoking 884 cigarettes. I have saved 3 Days, 1 hour and 40 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 6/18/2007 9:41 AM
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

27 Aug 2007, 06:03 #57

Hi Melissa, reading today what you had to say really made me feel like someone out there knows how I am feeling and that was so good to know, that I was not alone in how I felt, you stated it perfectly when you said "

I hated the fact hat I had even tried to quit because now people expected me not to smoke.
They looked forward to a healthier me.
My logic was if I had not tried to quit I could still smoke with out letting anyone down. I hated my own Quit I hated that I had ever tried to quit at all! I believed I was in prison and smokers were free.


I thought I was probably the only person thinking this crazy stuff, thank you for writing, and congratulations on your 9 month quit. Great job, I look forward to mine 9 month one day.

Nancy ss in Ohio

I have been quit for 3 Weeks, 5 Days, 19 hours, 57 minutes and 35 seconds (26 days). I have saved $117.38 by not smoking 670 cigarettes. I have saved 2 Days, 7 hours and 50 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 7/30/2007 10:06 PM
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:02

10 May 2008, 09:35 #58

Melissa: It's been five years since you posted your message - WOW - what an inspiration you are to me! Yes, I also cried reading your post - you described many of the things I'm feeling now. I'm almost 14 days into my quit and struggle frequently. I'm hanging onto your words - IT DOES GET BETTER! I know it will. I actually have never made it this long before, so I know I can do this - NTAP!!

Amy - Free and Healing for Thirteen Days, 23 Hours and 41 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 15 Hours, by avoiding the use of 182 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $45.49.
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Joined: 16 Jan 2003, 08:00

16 Oct 2008, 10:01 #59

It has been a long time since I wrote " days I just wanted to die":
From: Melissa777_-Gold (Original Message) Sent: 8/30/2007 5:15 PM
Hey all,

I just stopped by to take a look around and see how everyone is doing. I love coming here every now and then and seeing all the new names. While I know the journey can be a challenging one it also ends up being the best journey you could ever embark on.

It will be Five years for me this coming October. I have shared a million thoughts I have had here some so irrational I was ashamed to type them out. At the five year mark I am left with one thought. " I just wish I had quit much sooner than I did" I guess there are a few more too... Like I wish I had never started in the first place. I never needed it. Its only purpose was to make me sick and rob me of money and life.

Everything is so much better. I run and play with my kids. I exercise. I have energy to things I could never do when I was smoking. I am a different person now all together, I am not only healthier, but stronger both physically and mentally. No crutches.

The smell of cigarettes makes me really sick. I have absolutely no positive thoughts about them what so ever. I couldn't come up with one positive thing they ever did for my life if you paid me to. I say that just so that anybody sitting here reading this that may be thinking they will always miss it ..Knows "It really does get better and better" Until you just find yourself living and everyday normal life like anybody else and you are no longer plagued with illogical thoughts.

When it gets hard you have to hold on to that and know that it is said here a 1000 times over by many people because it is true

Never forget what brought you here in the first place. Always remember that no matter what you go through in life good or bad, smoking never has and never will make anything better. It doesn't fix problems. It creates more and exacerbates the ones you already have. We were meant to use our lungs for breathing in air not poisons.

I smoked for almost 16 years and at the time I quit I was up to two packs a day. I felt like I was killing myself and that I was powerless to stop it. I slept just to give my lungs a break, so that I could get up a repeat the same cycle all over again.

When my lungs felt like they were on fire and just hurt terribly,
I didn't just take pain killers to stop the pain, I took it so that I could smoke more that day and feel less pain doing it. I literally never felt good at all physically. I was always winded and coughing. I lacked energy to do just basic things like cleaning and cooking. I did it, but it was much more of a chore to me then. I would smoke until I couldn't breathe well at all and my head felt like it would explode. I did this everyday for years. It was a horrible vicious cycle that was killing me. I don't think I was any less or more addicted than anyone reading this. If I could do it... so can you! Just please believe in yourself and what you can do. There are so many wonderful testimonies here about how much better it gets and how much better life is the further along you get.

I wrote about the things I went through in "Days I just wanted to die" I still look back and as bad as it all was I say to you truthfully and emphatically It was worth it! I have my life back. I have set a good example for my kids. I am finally leading by example. It was so hypocritical to tell them that they can do anything in life they want to and really want them to believe that, and then turn around and tell them "I can't quit." I am healthy and happy and I mean truly happy. There is absolutely nothing to miss about smoking.

My grandma quit two years after me and she had smoked for 60 years. She is off her inhaler and off of her oxygen. She is taking trips with her boyfriend. They go camping, they play bingo, they even go and dance now and she is 83. It truly is never too late to quit.

My sister still smokes and is extremely unhealthy. She is on inhalers ( two) and they put her on steroids to deal with some of the inflammation in her chest. She sound like she is literally choking when she coughs. her voice is deeper and she rarely ever feels like doing anything, other than of coarse "smoking" I fear losing her to this insidious addiction. She is my best friend and I need her around. At first I was just happy to hear her talk about quiting. Now with her failing health, it isn't enough and I am praying she will stop talking about it and do it before it is too late. My grandmother has more quality of life then my sister does and my sister is only 41. Sad huh?

The truth is that is all smoking does for you. Robs you of health, the ability to really live a decent healthy active life and it will in some cases eventually rob you of life all together. At that point you cannot change anything and the results of smoking become permanent and very painful to those left behind.

So be glad you are here making changes that will better your life and probably prolong it. Stick to it so that you can give your testimony to someone just starting out. Soon you will be telling others how much better it gets and giving them words of encouragement to hold onto.

Thanks for taking the time to read this
Melissa: has had almost five years of freedom and she is loving it!
Last edited by Sal GOLD.ffn on 16 Apr 2009, 06:37, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

17 Oct 2008, 02:19 #60

Melissa you'll never know how many times I've read your post and thought to myself that it could have been written by me and so many others. Sometimes it's hard to put into words the exact feelings of being miserable. That is the exact reason being a member of this group saved me time and time again. There was always something someone would say that I could relate to and I could understand that though I was a recovering addict my feelings were normal and expected.
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:01

19 Oct 2008, 05:11 #61

Hi Mellisa
I love reading your post you don't know how much helped me I can totally relate to some of the feelings you first went through I felt the same but I am comforted to know it gets better .
Andrea
Quit 2m 1w 1w
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Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:00

19 Oct 2008, 06:40 #62

Melissa,
How wonderful it is that someone who has quit for almost 5 years has so much respect for this site they still come back to encourage the new quitters. That means so much to many of us. Reading about your difficult times and how you dealt with them makes us feel more normal.

After spending 3 days in the hospital with pneumonia I finally decided to try to quit smoking. I had smoked for 40 years and had never tried to stop before.

In your post you wrote "Never forget what brought you here in the first place." I remember telling myself that I needed to always remember how scary it was to be fighting for air to breath the day my husband called the rescue squad to take me to the hospital.

I also remember how blessed I was when I was told the mass they saw in my lung was the pneumonia and that I had no tumors. I am a religious person and I believe what happened to me when I got pneumonia was a wake up call from God that I needed to remove cigarettes from my life so that I could become the best witness for Him that I could be. Apparently I'm a really slow learner...40 years...good grief!

I have been smoke free for 1 month, 2 weeks, and 3 days. It is undescrible how great it is to be an ex-smoker. I feel so much better. I smell better, I'm happier, and I have a closer relationship with my God. Why Quit has made this journey so much easier for me. Knowledge is power!!

So thanks again Melissa...I loved reading your posts.
Vikki
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Joined: 03 Jun 2009, 15:11

14 Jun 2009, 16:56 #63

Thank You
Lisa
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Joined: 18 Oct 2009, 02:20

30 Oct 2009, 20:35 #64

I am having one of those "I just want to die days". I have read this thread many times and it does help. Life goes on with it'smany heartaches and problems> My issues would be here even if I smoked. Now I need to learn how to deal with real problems as a non smoker, one day at a time one hr at a time. I have been a non-nicotine user for 18 days.
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Joined: 05 Jan 2012, 03:32

14 Jan 2012, 16:09 #65

I needed this post. Thanks... Just hope this gets better soon!
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