Days I just wanted to Die

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

16 Jul 2003, 12:16 #21

Hi Melissa. Just got back from a wedding inter-state, back at work today and just logged on, read your post .... yes - wow. I got goosebumps all over me and my heart felt for you ... REALLY felt for you .... because I know exactly how you were feeling. As I read your story I just saw myself in so much of it. Thanks so much for sharing this part of your journey ..... Thank god we found ourselves huh? Finally there is light at the end of the dark tunnel .
Last edited by GeorgieGirl GOLD on 16 Apr 2009, 06:20, edited 1 time in total.

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

17 Jul 2003, 02:33 #22

I loved reading all of your responses to my thoughts.
I knew that some would relate to one thing or another the hard time in the beginning or the rewards and peace that come after... or both.
I do realize that some have an easier time than others in the endeavor of breaking free. I just thought I would share mine to basically say that even though it was the hardest thing ever I stuck it out and feel much better no both physically and meantally.
What we are doing is and awesome and at time very challenging thing. It should be celebrated.
I cannot think of a more important thing one can do for them selves.
We are choosing life over death
we are choosing air over poison
we are choosing health over sickness
we are choosing to be strong and face what we have already done to ourselves while refusing to do anymore damage.
we are choosing freedom over imprisonment.
We are choosing to finally live and not just exist from one fix to the next.
Thank you all for reading and letting me share here in this wonderful place called freedom.
What a great Name! FREEDOM so appropriate ;-)
melissa at nine months

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:00

17 Jul 2003, 14:31 #23

Wow Melissa!

I haven't logged on for literally weeks, and yours is the first post I read. It is so beautiful, and you have a real talent in putting your thoughts and feelings together.

I am not focussed on smoking/not smoking anymore, but I AM focussed on the fantastic things that come out of not smoking. I am actually going in a 14km running marathon in a few weeks. Now I was the laziest unfittest slob 14 months ago and couldn't run 10 metres without crying and wheezing, and now I can run 14 km WITHOUT STOPPING!!!! The benefits of not smoking are unbelievable and it just gets better.

Congatulations on your achievements, especially your inner peace!


I have kicked butt for 1 Year 1 Month 3 Weeks 4 Days 23 Hours 26 Minutes 28 Seconds. Cigarettes not smoked: 12659. Money saved: A$3,797.79.

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

17 Jul 2003, 21:19 #24

I cried. I cried for NO reason at all. I cried because my brother didn't get me a beer. I cried on the 4th of July because I was too hot. I cried because my boyfriend didn't call me back within an hour - I literally thought my world was falling apart. Oddly enough, I never wanted a cig while I was having crying fits, I just kept crying. I felt like a complete basket case and I knew I needed help because it was beginning to effect my professional life as well.

I took a different path - I went to see my Doctor and got Zyban. It has helped IMMENSELY! I take a 1/2 dose (150mg) and my mood is back to normal (I am a pretty relaxed person). Many people feel as if Zyban does not help them or it makes them have side effects (I am fortunate and have not experienced any). Also, many people on the message board mentioned that it made them feel "light headed" or "out of it". I have not had that experience either. If you have the option, I urge you to speak to your Doctor to see if it is right for you. It is worth a try if you have that option!



I have been a non-smoker for 2 Weeks, 2 Days, 22 hours, 11 minutes and 50 seconds (16 days). I have saved $31.38 by not smoking 236 cigarettes. I have saved 19 hours and 40 minutes of my life.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:59

19 Jul 2003, 00:40 #25

Thank-you Melissa!
Truly inspirational! I sure can relate to the tough times and can't wait for "times to get better" but I too believe what you oldbies are telling us that it does get better!

Free for 3 months, 1 week and 4 days

Joined: 16 Jan 2003, 08:00

24 Jul 2003, 05:59 #26

I missed your post when it was new. Now I've read it.
Absolutely beautiful piece of writing.
Thank you for typing all those thoughts and observations out for us to read.
Sometimes the lying in bed musings are the BEST. And I too now do that because I no longer need to jump out of bed to make the coffee and smoke, smoke, smoke.
You're a gem.
Six months, one week, four days of Freedom.

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

24 Jul 2003, 21:46 #27


Thanks so much for this It is awesome and just what I needed
someone who really really understood my almost giving in



Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

31 Jul 2003, 04:37 #28

Wow Melissa, your post really hits home. I believe every word you said. You've given me more hope that I can really stay quit and know in my heart that it will get better. I just have to be patient and keep reading the message boards. I've gotten this far (18 days) I can go another day. Just take it a day at a time.

Congratulations on you commitment to quitting!

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

28 Oct 2003, 15:28 #29

Kicking this one up in case anybody is having a hard time and needs encouragement.
I do not get on here much, not as much as I would like.
My time is limited, even now, so this was the quickest way I could think to contribute.
Who knows it may be something someone needs to read all the replies to it are insightful and inspiring too.
Hang on to your quit!
It is so worth it.
At times it may seem impossible, but please believe me when I say "you can do it just like any one else here"
You are doing it!
It will all get better. So much BETTER!
Hang in there :-)
Melissa has a year of freedom and an awesome peace.
I never knew was possible

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:01

28 Oct 2003, 15:46 #30

Hi Melissa~ I just read your post and boy, how very powerful it was. It sounded very familiar Thanks so much for the encouragement. You are doing great!! Best of luck to you.
free and healing for 3 weeks and 6 days.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:59

28 Oct 2003, 21:11 #31

..Hi Melissa,

It's been quite a while since I've been on the board and your post really hit home. You expressed the frustration of recovering from our addiction so perfectly. Thanks, I really needed it.
Congratulations on reaching Gold. Good luck in your nicotene free life.

Your quit sis

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

28 Oct 2003, 22:57 #32

Hi Melissa, I just want to thank you for this wonderful post, and for putting in words feelings that many of us have had and not know how to describe. Congratulations on your great accomplishment, you are an example that this is doable and it gets better and better!

Vito - Free and Healing for One Month, Twenty Seven Days, 10 Hours and 44 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 4 Days and 23 Hours, by avoiding the use of 1436 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $172.75.

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

29 Oct 2003, 10:43 #33

I just read your post today (a few months later HA!!). All I can say is WOW!!!!! did it hit home. I have tried quitting several times and could relate to EVERYTHING you said. On one quit a few years ago imagined myself attacking a man walking down the street with a cig. (I wanted one that bad.) Unfortunately that was not a successful quit. Today I join green. It has been easy, but it has been done. I feel much stronger after reading your post and getting reassurance that it does get better. Lynn

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

29 Oct 2003, 22:22 #34

Melissa ~ thanks for "kicking up" that July post for all of us who are new to the site and still in early "Smobriety". Wow, I could really relate to feelings you were having early on in your quit. Congratulations on turning GOLD and for letting us know that life does go on!!

God Bless,

Candi - Free and Healing for Six Days, 10 Hours and 41 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 10 Hours, by avoiding the use of 129 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $16.76.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:57

29 Oct 2003, 22:43 #35

Are there times in the early days of a quit where a person feels like they want to die? As Melissa's post here shows some people do. Luckily, this is usually a short term period for those who experience it and they often go on to have extra years and decades where they can look back at such a time period and now recognize that quitting as one of the greatest gifts that they have ever given themselves. They have time to reconsider their options and cherish the fact that they quit smoking.

Are there times when smokers feel that they just want to die? Yes there are. Those in the end stages of smoking induced illnesses often see death as the only way to stop the pain and suffering now. Sadly, many of these people are right, that death is the only way out. Also sad for all of those around them, many of these people get their wish and never get the chance to reconsider their options.

To keep your options to stay smoke free alive, and you along with them always remember why you are committed to never take another puff!


Related readings:

"Quitting Smoking: A fate worse than death"

I smoke because I'm self-destructive

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

30 Oct 2003, 02:22 #36

Hey everybody,

I just wanted to say that I am in total agreement with what Joel has said here. I was trying to convey that if in deed you have ever felt or feel now the same way I did, that it doesn't last.
My worst days trying to hold on to this quit were good days compared to how I felt while I was smoking and my life was ebbing away daily.

I guess I was a bit more verbose in my attempts to convey that the bad feelings will not last.
My hope was to convey that as bad as it feels... it doesn't last and will get better and to hang in there.
Joel just got right to the point :-)
If this post blessed anyone it was worth the effort it took to write it.

Everything I went through was worth it, cause it got me to where I am now.
I love each and every reply to this post.
Feeling as though I may have helped anybody is wonderful because I so want to give back some of what I was given.

Melissa has a year of freedom and a lifetime to be thankful for it :-)

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

30 Oct 2003, 03:04 #37

Hi Melissa. Congratulations on Gold.
You can count me as a person you have helped! Although I do not feel as bad as you describe at the beginning, I used to feel that way. You even made me laugh because I could see myself crying too (not in the bathroom, but in the car, at work, at the shopping, inside my closet!, at the kitchen) I also hated my husband for enjoying coffee in the mornings. And lots of other connections with your writing. I can almost change minor things and that would be my life three weeks ago. Thanks for sharing that this gets better...God bless you.
Free and Healing for One Month, Ten Days, 13 Hours and 1 Minute, while extending my life expectancy 4 Days and 5 Hours, by avoiding the use of 1216 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $228.43.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

09 May 2004, 02:27 #38

Are there times in the early days of a quit where a person feels like they want to die?
In my case, not really. I wanted to post this so that newbies or lurkers peeking in could see that it isn't always that bad.
Don't get me wrong, I have had (and probably will in the future) my share of bad days, but honestly my quit was never as bad as Melissas was in the beginning. Every quit really is different.
There's been times I wanted to strangle other people for what I perceived as making my quit more difficult then it needed to be, lol..but that's about it. From the very beginning through Glory week, I held tight to what the others said, even though I wasn't sure at times that I could do it. But I held to it, because I knew it was ALL I had to hold on to.
But gradually after that I realized more and more that all the information posted here was dead-on and most importantly, it was working for me. Good enough.
I hope I don't sound smug for saying that this quit has been a relatively easy one. It just HAS and that's the truth. I realize everyones quit is different, but I think a lot of that has to do with your mindset and how much you resist the healing, maybe (Believe me, I've had past quits that were sheer misery and I'm positive it was because I was uneducated) I'm simply going (again) on a lot of what I've read here. And I just wanted anybody peeking in to know that sometimes quitting IS easy.
The healing really can be awesome.
Hammie (Green Club)
I have been quit for 1 Month, 1 Week, 1 Day
Last edited by Hooked On Hammies on 16 Apr 2009, 06:29, edited 1 time in total.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

09 May 2004, 06:17 #39

Ok ... so I am sitting here with both a smile and tears in my eyes because of Melissa's post. Talk about feeling emotional!!!! But the thing is, now I LIKE feeling emotional - emotional and not turning to a pack of cigarettes to dull the emotional feelings!!!! Just feeling it!!!!!

I had read this in the early days of my quit (ok so I'm only 2 months +) but I had read it in MY beginning and I didn't get emotional. Zip - nothing.

But NOW ..... I AM emotional and I have something to say about it.

No, I can honeslty say I did not want to die during the first week or 2 weeks of my quit.

But I did say to myself many times while I was depressed, or upset and smoking that the chain smoking and dying because of it was OK. Now I can't believe I told myself that!

I wanted to die and sometimes wished I could die ... and I said this while smoking (and drinking - because for me the 2 went hand in hand quite often).

When you first start experiencing the emotions it feels like it's almost too much to handle! I mean it's been many years since you actually allowed yourself to feel the emotions of everyday life. When you start using nicotine as a damper or to excelerate your good emotions you don't even really realize how much you are depriving yourself of.

Ok, maybe I'm rambling on and not making sense, but today I bought 10 pine trees (would have been 2 packs of smokes!) Ok I have a big yard, but I don't think I have the need for 10 pine trees!!!! LOL!!! It was on a whim!

But when I handed the little boy selling the baby pine trees $20.00 (Canadian) and asked for only 10 trees (sign said min. 50 cents per tree), just the expression on the boy's face and his excitement made me feel SO good.

While I was smoking, I would have left the grocery store and just about ran past him, nearly knocking him over, being annoyed for him trying to hold me up when I NEEEDED to get home so I could light a cigarette!!!!

I just want to say that after only 2 months I am stopping to smell the roses, and am constantly in awe of my feelings - good and bad - and the bad feelings disappear SO MUCH FASTER now that I am not turning to nicotine. I am truly FEELING life and dealing with all my wonderful emotions, and it chokes me up and brings happy and sad tears to my eyes often ...

And I am LOVING IT!!!!!!

It's ALL SO MUCH BETTER NICOTINE FREE! Try it and you will discover for yourself!

Sandy - Free and Healing for Two Months, Nine Days, 16 Hours and 10 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 2 Days and 22 Hours, by avoiding the use of 848 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $340.22.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

09 May 2004, 07:02 #40

Wait wait ...

I'm not done!

For all you newbies .....

I never shared this ... but for me around third week I was really kind of disappointed about the fact that I didn't want to listen to music. I like rock, and while driving to work I'd turn it on but after a bit I couldn't listen to it. I had to turn it off and have silence while driving to work. I needed quiet. I was afraid I really wasn't a rock fan for real!!! That was one of the things that scared me! I love music! Rock! BUT .......... (for anyone in the beginnings wondering ...)

It was all part of the process that I can't explain but now after 2 month's I am back to cranking the tunes (Puddle of Mudd - COME CLEAN! (ironic eh?) right now as I enjoy the every day tasks around the yard and house.

Gotta get back to work. Congratulations to all you newbies and come join us all you lurkers and all those ahead of me - way to go!!!! Keep coming back to let me know you are still thrilled about quitting your addiction to nicotine! WHOOOOOO HOOOOOO LIFE IS GREAT!!!!!

Sandy - Free and Healing for Two Months, Nine Days and 17 Hours, while extending my life expectancy 2 Days and 22 Hours, by avoiding the use of 849 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $340.39.

Joined: 18 Dec 2008, 23:58

09 May 2004, 07:06 #41

Thankyou you so much Melissa for having shared your thoughts on here when you did.... it was exactly what I needed to read this morning and it is so very encouraging also.

"I hurt inside daily for a while like someone had died... I mean down to my soul deep, deep, pain. I had no clue who I was now or how to live my life.
I mean I cried! For Me crying was rare.
It took something like death or serious illness of a loved one to make me shed a tear before.
I was not a sensitive type of female at all.
Here I was now crying if someone looked at me wrong."

I feel like this right now, not because of my quit. But because I'm feeling depressed, but now I am developing new (healthier!) ways to cope with the emotions running amok within me. No more poison to push down my feelings.
I don't really know what to say, except for another heartfelt thankyou to Melissa and everyone else that is willing to share their journey on here. This is a wonderful and supportive community.

*and* never, ever take another puff!

Emilie - Free and Healing for One Month, Three Days, 15 Hours and 6 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 1 Day and 18 Hours, by not smoking 504 cancer sticks that would have cost me $143.12.

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

09 May 2004, 09:24 #42

Melissa, Thank you so much for this post. I have been feeling like this for a couple of days now........hurting inside so much like my whole world has just turned so bleak around me.
The words you wrote really hit home for me as I have been having these awful feelings of hopelessness and dispair...which is so unlike me normally. I am generally an optimistic guy and I am trying so hard to keep a positive attitude but it's hard sometimes. To know there are others that have truly experienced what I myself am feeling and made it through the things that I am going through right now give me such a ray of hope
Gosh has this helped me today. I keep reading and reading....learning as much as I so I will NTAP while feeling such worthlessness and dispair but I have made it another day looking for that sun through these clouds and by golly I think I can see it get a little brighter now.
Mark 19 days smober and downhill to Green.

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

14 May 2004, 08:42 #43

Melissa, I came here suffering and looking for hope, looking for those who felt the same pain and made it through. Your experience is one that kept me strong enough to make it through some horrible, horrible days. Thank you for sharing your story -- it is one I will always remember. Aloha,
amber - Free and Healing for Five Days, 18 Hours and 54 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 4 Hours, by avoiding the use of 58 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $15.92.

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

15 Jul 2004, 00:54 #44

Melissa I love your post.
I, like many others on this forum, totally understand your previous feelings and your feelings now. And I have only been quit for a little over a week and I feel so good. WOO HOO!!! We are AWESOME!


1 week 3 days 13 hours 53 min nic free

Joined: 19 Dec 2008, 00:03

10 Sep 2004, 09:47 #45

Hi Melissa!

This is a great post that really touched a chord with me. Except, instead of the bathroom floor, I lost it in the middle of my office on a floor otherwise filled with men. I have never cried much in front of people but this day (I can't believe it was just a few days ago) I stood in my office and bawled like a baby, loud and clear for everyone to hear and I didn't care. I was so sad and lost and couldn't stand the pain. I howled like a dog.

However, it did end. And I didn't smoke and now, just a short time later, I feel better than I have in years. I also think I am on my way to being a softer, nicer person. Thanks so much for sharing, my friend. It really does help so much to know that we are not alone in this. And it is also glorious to share in our clear and shining smoke-free future!

Cheering everyone all the way!
- Nic

Nic has been nic-free for 11 days, 2 hours and 45 minutes; 166 nails not in my coffin; $66.40 extra in my purse - YAY!!