Days I just wanted to Die

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

July 15th, 2003, 7:50 pm #11

Wow! What a great post to read this morning after having had a really rough time of it yesterday! Just a couple days ago I turned green and was feeling great and then boom.....yesterday I had my first serious thoughts of smoking again! Some of those thoughts were just what you were thinking early in your quit...how come I don't get to enjoy something like everyone else? Why do I have to give something up but my husband doesn't have to (he's never smoked)...Of course these are silly, but it's nice to know that someone who has had them can move so far past them!
Congrats on your success and thanks so very much for sharing!
Kimberly
Free from nicotine: 1 Month 1 Day 23 Hours 16 Minutes 57 Seconds
Last edited by wagongirl on March 8th, 2009, 12:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:59 pm

July 15th, 2003, 8:59 pm #12


Terrific post Melissa, thank you for takng the time to share your thoughts and inspire others.
Your descriptions of the pain of quitting was so intense and accurate that it reminded me that I never, ever, want to go through that again.
Even as good as your quit feels now, it gets even better. What an amazing transformation takes place when we truly find Freedom.
yqf
Lorraine Gold club
Last edited by SweetLorraine (Gold) on March 8th, 2009, 12:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:00 am

July 15th, 2003, 9:21 pm #13

Thanks Melissa
Thank you for sharing your own experiences with us. I know this classic post will help many newbies and oldbies alike for a long time to come. Can hardly wait to read your Gold post in a few short months. Again, thanks. We are doing it. All we have to do is Never Take Another Puff!!

yqs, sue (bronze)
Three months, two weeks, two days, 14 hours, 44 minutes and 43 seconds. 4344 cigarettes not smoked, saving $627.55. Life saved: 2 weeks, 1 day, 2 hours, 0 minutes.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

July 15th, 2003, 9:35 pm #14

Melissa,

This was a wonderful post to read. Encouraging, truthful, empowering.

TY
Kere
One month, four weeks, 21 hours, 43 minutes and 28 seconds. 1198 cigarettes not smoked, saving $371.41. Life saved: 4 days, 3 hours, 50 minutes.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:58 pm

July 15th, 2003, 9:46 pm #15

What an astounding post, Melissa. Very empowering in its gut-wrenching honesty. Brings to mind the Santayana quote: "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it." You are keeping those early days fresh and that is so important. Thank you for sharing powerful and inspiring memories.

And here's to never living through withdrawal again!!!!!!!!!!!

Parker - 13 months
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:58 pm

July 15th, 2003, 10:08 pm #16

Melissa,
I love this heart felt post! I'm sending it to my daughter to read, she sill smokes and has expressed the same things you share here. Maybe someday something will hit that she can relate to and she'll join us here. She already talked to Joel but I don't think she's got enought gutts yet. But she will read it, so thanks!
Rick
One year, two months, one week, four days, 3 hours, 53 minutes and 51 seconds. 34972 cigarettes not smoked, saving $209,837.67. Life saved: 17 weeks, 2 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:57 pm

July 15th, 2003, 10:32 pm #17

Great post Melissa. Your observations of how you tried to make rational explanations for the totally irrational excuses people use in order to sustain smoking is classic. This is why it is often hard to try to have a rational conversation with a smoker who has no interest in quitting--their addiction has built in defense mechanisms making logical insights difficult to get across.
Here are a few strings that explore this process. I thought you would appreciate them:
"what a relief, I think I have cancer!"
I smoke because I'm self-destructive
you smoke because you're a smoke-a-holic!
I am glad you articulated your thoughts as clearly as you did illustrating this process. I want to point out that while the intensity of the feelings that you were experiencing was not uncommon, meaning there are some people who feel as desperate during the quitting process as you had felt, that there are also some people who quit with relative ease. Both reactions are normal.
I didn't want to scare people off who were just considering quitting who might not even try because the process seemed as if it would be too painful. Most people are not debilitated during the quitting process. But your insights go on to point out that even for people who do face more extreme reactions, it is still worth all of the time and effort and discomfort that went along with quitting--for the payoff is both great and life saving. To make all of the troubles that you initially went through worth the effort is as simple now as sticking to your commitment to never take another puff!
Joel
Last edited by Joel on April 16th, 2009, 6:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

July 16th, 2003, 1:32 am #18

Wow, Melissa, thanks for writing such a real message. Beautiful, really. I take great comfort and inspiration from it ... and I know many, many more will read it with gratitude.
Again, thank you.

Joe
Three months, one week, one day, 14 hours, 46 minutes and 44 seconds. 1992 cigarettes not smoked, saving $373.56. Life saved: 6 days, 22 hours, 0 minutes.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

July 16th, 2003, 1:34 am #19

All I have to say is... WOW! Thank-you for sharing this with us!
Janet
2days 1hr!3months
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

July 16th, 2003, 7:06 am #20

Congratulations Melissa!


Thank you for sharing such heart-felt memories. I am sure that everyone can relate to some part of your experience. Just think, you will be Gold in no time at all.

I wish you all the best as you move onward and upward on your Quit Journey.


YQS (6M,1W,6D)
Last edited by Ms MonaGolden1 on March 8th, 2009, 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

July 16th, 2003, 12:16 pm #21

Hi Melissa. Just got back from a wedding inter-state, back at work today and just logged on, read your post .... yes - wow. I got goosebumps all over me and my heart felt for you ... REALLY felt for you .... because I know exactly how you were feeling. As I read your story I just saw myself in so much of it. Thanks so much for sharing this part of your journey ..... Thank god we found ourselves huh? Finally there is light at the end of the dark tunnel .
Georgia
Last edited by GeorgieGirl GOLD on April 16th, 2009, 6:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

July 17th, 2003, 2:33 am #22

I loved reading all of your responses to my thoughts.
I knew that some would relate to one thing or another the hard time in the beginning or the rewards and peace that come after... or both.
I do realize that some have an easier time than others in the endeavor of breaking free. I just thought I would share mine to basically say that even though it was the hardest thing ever I stuck it out and feel much better no both physically and meantally.
What we are doing is and awesome and at time very challenging thing. It should be celebrated.
I cannot think of a more important thing one can do for them selves.
We are choosing life over death
we are choosing air over poison
we are choosing health over sickness
we are choosing to be strong and face what we have already done to ourselves while refusing to do anymore damage.
we are choosing freedom over imprisonment.
We are choosing to finally live and not just exist from one fix to the next.
Thank you all for reading and letting me share here in this wonderful place called freedom.
What a great Name! FREEDOM so appropriate ;-)
melissa at nine months
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:00 am

July 17th, 2003, 2:31 pm #23

Wow Melissa!

I haven't logged on for literally weeks, and yours is the first post I read. It is so beautiful, and you have a real talent in putting your thoughts and feelings together.

I am not focussed on smoking/not smoking anymore, but I AM focussed on the fantastic things that come out of not smoking. I am actually going in a 14km running marathon in a few weeks. Now I was the laziest unfittest slob 14 months ago and couldn't run 10 metres without crying and wheezing, and now I can run 14 km WITHOUT STOPPING!!!! The benefits of not smoking are unbelievable and it just gets better.

Congatulations on your achievements, especially your inner peace!

Sue

I have kicked butt for 1 Year 1 Month 3 Weeks 4 Days 23 Hours 26 Minutes 28 Seconds. Cigarettes not smoked: 12659. Money saved: A$3,797.79.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

July 17th, 2003, 9:19 pm #24

Lyverbird
I cried. I cried for NO reason at all. I cried because my brother didn't get me a beer. I cried on the 4th of July because I was too hot. I cried because my boyfriend didn't call me back within an hour - I literally thought my world was falling apart. Oddly enough, I never wanted a cig while I was having crying fits, I just kept crying. I felt like a complete basket case and I knew I needed help because it was beginning to effect my professional life as well.

I took a different path - I went to see my Doctor and got Zyban. It has helped IMMENSELY! I take a 1/2 dose (150mg) and my mood is back to normal (I am a pretty relaxed person). Many people feel as if Zyban does not help them or it makes them have side effects (I am fortunate and have not experienced any). Also, many people on the message board mentioned that it made them feel "light headed" or "out of it". I have not had that experience either. If you have the option, I urge you to speak to your Doctor to see if it is right for you. It is worth a try if you have that option!

NO MORE FOR ME!

lindsayb11

I have been a non-smoker for 2 Weeks, 2 Days, 22 hours, 11 minutes and 50 seconds (16 days). I have saved $31.38 by not smoking 236 cigarettes. I have saved 19 hours and 40 minutes of my life.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:59 pm

July 19th, 2003, 12:40 am #25

Thank-you Melissa!
Truly inspirational! I sure can relate to the tough times and can't wait for "times to get better" but I too believe what you oldbies are telling us that it does get better!

Freegirl
Free for 3 months, 1 week and 4 days
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: January 16th, 2003, 8:00 am

July 24th, 2003, 5:59 am #26

Melissa,
I missed your post when it was new. Now I've read it.
Absolutely beautiful piece of writing.
Thank you for typing all those thoughts and observations out for us to read.
Sometimes the lying in bed musings are the BEST. And I too now do that because I no longer need to jump out of bed to make the coffee and smoke, smoke, smoke.
You're a gem.
Sal
Six months, one week, four days of Freedom.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

July 24th, 2003, 9:46 pm #27

Melissa

Thanks so much for this It is awesome and just what I needed
someone who really really understood my almost giving in
yesterday

Regards

Skippy
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

July 31st, 2003, 4:37 am #28

Wow Melissa, your post really hits home. I believe every word you said. You've given me more hope that I can really stay quit and know in my heart that it will get better. I just have to be patient and keep reading the message boards. I've gotten this far (18 days) I can go another day. Just take it a day at a time.

Congratulations on you commitment to quitting!
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

October 28th, 2003, 3:28 pm #29

Kicking this one up in case anybody is having a hard time and needs encouragement.
I do not get on here much, not as much as I would like.
My time is limited, even now, so this was the quickest way I could think to contribute.
Who knows it may be something someone needs to read all the replies to it are insightful and inspiring too.
Hang on to your quit!
It is so worth it.
At times it may seem impossible, but please believe me when I say "you can do it just like any one else here"
You are doing it!
It will all get better. So much BETTER!
Hang in there :-)
Melissa has a year of freedom and an awesome peace.
I never knew was possible
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:01 am

October 28th, 2003, 3:46 pm #30

Hi Melissa~ I just read your post and boy, how very powerful it was. It sounded very familiar Thanks so much for the encouragement. You are doing great!! Best of luck to you.
Michelle
free and healing for 3 weeks and 6 days.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:59 pm

October 28th, 2003, 9:11 pm #31

..Hi Melissa,

It's been quite a while since I've been on the board and your post really hit home. You expressed the frustration of recovering from our addiction so perfectly. Thanks, I really needed it.
Congratulations on reaching Gold. Good luck in your nicotene free life.

Your quit sis
Madge
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:57 pm

October 28th, 2003, 10:57 pm #32

Hi Melissa, I just want to thank you for this wonderful post, and for putting in words feelings that many of us have had and not know how to describe. Congratulations on your great accomplishment, you are an example that this is doable and it gets better and better!

Vito - Free and Healing for One Month, Twenty Seven Days, 10 Hours and 44 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 4 Days and 23 Hours, by avoiding the use of 1436 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $172.75.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 19th, 2008, 12:03 am

October 29th, 2003, 10:43 am #33

Melissa,
I just read your post today (a few months later HA!!). All I can say is WOW!!!!! did it hit home. I have tried quitting several times and could relate to EVERYTHING you said. On one quit a few years ago imagined myself attacking a man walking down the street with a cig. (I wanted one that bad.) Unfortunately that was not a successful quit. Today I join green. It has been easy, but it has been done. I feel much stronger after reading your post and getting reassurance that it does get better. Lynn
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:58 pm

October 29th, 2003, 10:22 pm #34

Melissa ~ thanks for "kicking up" that July post for all of us who are new to the site and still in early "Smobriety". Wow, I could really relate to feelings you were having early on in your quit. Congratulations on turning GOLD and for letting us know that life does go on!!

God Bless,

Candi - Free and Healing for Six Days, 10 Hours and 41 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 10 Hours, by avoiding the use of 129 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $16.76.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 18th, 2008, 11:57 pm

October 29th, 2003, 10:43 pm #35

Are there times in the early days of a quit where a person feels like they want to die? As Melissa's post here shows some people do. Luckily, this is usually a short term period for those who experience it and they often go on to have extra years and decades where they can look back at such a time period and now recognize that quitting as one of the greatest gifts that they have ever given themselves. They have time to reconsider their options and cherish the fact that they quit smoking.

Are there times when smokers feel that they just want to die? Yes there are. Those in the end stages of smoking induced illnesses often see death as the only way to stop the pain and suffering now. Sadly, many of these people are right, that death is the only way out. Also sad for all of those around them, many of these people get their wish and never get the chance to reconsider their options.

To keep your options to stay smoke free alive, and you along with them always remember why you are committed to never take another puff!

Joel

Related readings:

"Quitting Smoking: A fate worse than death"

I smoke because I'm self-destructive
Quote
Like
Share