Buddy Systems

Victoria
Victoria

April 7th, 2001, 9:42 pm #11

Dear Joel;
Thank you for this repost today.The clarification of why the buddy link is not advocated here makes sense to me. My quit is mine. My focus needs to be on me;my reasons to choose to never take another puff.
Victoria.
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Joel
Joel

April 10th, 2001, 10:57 pm #12

I see a few people are preparing for family members to quit. It is great if they do, for them and your time together. But your quit has got to remain independent from theirs as does theirs for you. Hopefully everyone here will eventually belong to smoke free families and smoke free societies. But until that point, your life can stay smoke free no matter what other's do around you as long as you never take another puff!

Joel
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Steve K
Steve K

May 22nd, 2001, 5:57 am #13

Just a word about quit buddies -- my best friend and I have both racked up a considerable number of unsuccessful quits in the past, mostly because we WERE quit buddies! We'd quit on the same day and "support" each other, but basically we were just waiting for the other one to give up. This gave the other person an excuse to smoke too. I know it sounds crazy, but that's what happened each time we tried it. Joel is right on about the sponsor system. A buddy may be able to help you GET smoke-free (over the first few days), but they can't teach you how to LIVE smoke-free. You need people who have lived through difficult situations and can prove that it is possible to go through births, deaths, weddings, divorces, and all the rest of this roller-coaster ride we call life, without a cigarette. So how is the buddy system working today? I now have almost two and a half months smoke-free, and my former-buddy (but still best friend) is still smoking after two attempts to quit using his girlfriend as his buddy. There's a lesson in here somewhere...

Love to you all,
Steve K.

I have been Quit for: 2M 1W 6D 17h 28m. I have NOT smoked 1494 cigarettes, for a savings of $242.87. Total Life Saved: 5D 4h 30m.
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Joel
Joel

July 16th, 2001, 10:32 pm #14

We seem to be getting a good number of new people in at Freedom. Often when a number of people come in at the same time, a feeling of instant rapport and affiliation by age of the quit can be formed. But as the above string illustrates, don't let this be the bond that ties you to another individual. You do not know how long this person will stay a member and you do not know how long this person will stay off of smoking. We have a lot of longer term stable quitters here, hundreds of them with dozens of them participating at any given time. Use the group for your guide, not an individual. You will be much safer and get a better overall perspective of why you quit and why you should never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

July 30th, 2001, 11:11 pm #15

For Iquit:
Sorry about your friends relapsing, for their sake it is a terrible thing. But your quit is independent of theirs or from anyone elses in fact either here at Freedom or in your live world. Over time people will relapse around you but that is not because relapse is inevitable, it is because they don't understand or believe the bottom line of treating this addiction. One puff and their quit is out the window. But your quit will stay secure as long as you learn from other peoples mistakes and not your own. To stay smoke free always remember that you can never take another puff!
Joel
Last edited by Joel on April 14th, 2009, 3:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Teeisfree GOLD
Teeisfree GOLD

August 14th, 2001, 8:26 am #16

Hi
I do have a buddy that introduced me to the site.
Every now and then he checks in with me to see how the quit is going. Amazingly enough he usually contacts me when I am struggling.
Maybe it isn't so amazing because he can tell by my absence from the board that I am becoming complacent.
Our quits are definitely independent from one another but every now and then I am nudged back to Freedom to reinforce my quit.
My quit partner is family and is anxious for us both to succeed
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Joel
Joel

December 13th, 2001, 5:27 am #17

For Carmella:

It is great that both you and your husband have quit smoking--but it is essential that you both feel that the primary reason you have stopped is for yourself and not for each other. You both derive your own personal benefits from quitting. Your quit will stay secure whether he stays off or not as long as you always remember from now on that you want to be free and that to accomplish this goal you must never take another puff!

Joel

P.S. Pass this along for him to read to. Because for him to stay off no matter what you do entails him knowing to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

December 19th, 2001, 3:58 am #18

For Chris:

Whenever anyone is quitting at the same time as a spouse, anger can become an issue. But not only anger from specific situations may be at play, you both my start to feel that you are depriving yourself of cigarettes for the benefit of the other.

As soon as this kind of feeling happens, you can begin to resent your quit and the other person for making you do it. Well in fact, he is not making you quit and you are not making him quit. You both are quitting in spite of the other persons wants or desires. It is crucial that you see it this way, for otherwise you can start to believe that you are depriving yourself of a cigarette as opposed to ridding yourself of smoking.

This kind of thinking can aggravate you and threaten your quit. Make sure you husband reads this one too, for his own sake. But always know your quit is secure as long as you stay focused on why you choose to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

December 30th, 2001, 12:00 am #19

This is another thread we will be keeping near the top with a possible New Years influx. When we get a large number of people quitting at the same time, they often feel they have a lot more to share with people who share the same quitting day than from the more established and secure long-term ex-smoker.

People off a day or two or even a few days know what it is like to be in withdrawal and know what it is like to be in the early throws of a quit. They also know what it is like to be a smoker. But they may not yet be well versed on what it is like to be a longer term ex-smoker and what it entails to stay off.

Focusing on these last two points are going to be of greater value to a recent quitter than on what life is like early on in a quit. You will get the perspective of achieving long-term success by reading and listening to a comprehensive range of time period quitters, not just those in your same situation.

There is a great wealth and breadth of experiences here, take advantage of them all. The more you read and the more people you learn from the greater the chance that your unquestionable goal will remain to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

January 5th, 2002, 10:12 am #20

I just saw we have 19 new members join in the past few days. It is natural for new members to look for people who quit on the exact same day, but be careful turning to just these people for real insights. Their experience is pretty much limited to your same perspective.

If you listen to them along with all the people at many different time frames you start to get a more accurate sense of the true spectrum of changes that will occur over time as opposed to what it is just like right now.

Basically, each of you know what it is like right now for you--what is more important is what it will be like as you get further and further away from your last cigarette. It will keep getting better and easier on many levels and stay on that course as long as you always remember to never take another puff!

Joel
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Joel
Joel

January 14th, 2002, 12:20 am #21

With the threat of MSN being down for a few days, I thought it might be good to bring this one up for those who see Freedom itself as a "buddy system."

Also, I thought it would be a good time to point out that we really are different than most other boards out there. I am not saying it is better or worse, just different. People come in here that have often been at other boards first where the rule of the day is everyone has good ideas of how to quit. The fact is, many people come with their old techniques and understanding of how to quit. That is why many if them are current smokers. Their old techniques failed them.

We on the other hand are trying to share methods ands approaches that are tried and true. Not methods that one person used and it seemed to work for them, but that you can find dozens of people who used the exact same method only to have it basically undercut their quits. We are trying to highlight the methods that enhances the vast majority of members and even ex-smoking non-members overall success.

It is not that we are not against newbies offering support, but just that they should hang around a while first, read all of our philosophies and try to understand what we are doing here and why we have some of our guidelines in place.

If a person has a difference of opinion with our technique, which is basically quit cold turkey, don't carry cigarettes and never take another puff, they should not post about it on the board. If they want to discuss it with management, we can each be emailed and we will explain why we don't advocate a specific piece of advice. Or maybe we will see your point and modify our approach.

But if a new member reads it in their first days of a quit, before we have a chance to point out the pitfalls, they may think that this advice is accepted strategy for enhancing smoking cessation. The fact is for most people, if the advice in contradictory to our basic premise, it is probably going to be counterproductive to the person's quit. People just quitting who are hanging on for dear life will often grasp onto things that are written in our posts and responses. The addiction would love to get some support from a basically bad piece of advice that makes the potential for relapsing seem a bit easier.

Also, we need to keep focused on the real danger of the buddy system. The buddy may have the best advice in the world, and the other buddy may really count on the person to get them through thick and thin. But there is no guarantee that the buddy will be available when needed or worst, there is no guarantee that the buddy won't be a smoker next time contacted. Stranger things have happened.

Count on yourself first. You can count to some degree on the group after that, but there have even been times where due to technical difficulties the whole group disappears all at once. Again, that is where counting on yourself is paramount. Print out your own reasons for having initially quit. Print out materials here that struck a personal chord helping you at a critical moment. Have alternative resources of support established. But don't count on one individual, no matter who they are. The stakes are too high to gamble on one person helping you when he or she may not be able to do this for him or herself.

Joel
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Joel
Joel

February 27th, 2002, 9:17 pm #22

I just saw a post that said to a member something to the effect that we need them like they need us. No one here should ever feel contingent on any one person or even on the whole board. The board cannot be a crutch. For technical reasons, your computer can break, you could lose power, your Internet connection can go down, or MSN can take Freedom down for maintenance. There have been times where Freedom was unreachable for hours and I even think at some point we had days where it was almost impossible to get into Freedom.

If you feel tied to the board for success your quit can be jeopardized by a technological glitch. If you are tied to any one person--that person could lose their Internet connection, or relapse, or get sick or may even pass away. There are just too many variables if your quit is tied to another that can undermine your quit.

Freedom is a tool to help you with your quit. We are giving you an addiction education. But you need to keep these lessons with you, incorporate the education into your general knowledge and way of life. Your success is contingent on you and you alone. Your quit is contingent on only you remembering that to stay smoke free you must never take another puff!

Joel
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Slycat
Slycat

May 18th, 2002, 4:44 am #23

Hi Joel:

This is a great post regarding Buddy Systems. I had wrote back to you before and than my computer crashed.

From the viewpoint of a Newbie, I have not hooked into one person individually. Everybody has helped me. Particularly the older members. They have given me a lot of advice because many of them have been there and done that. I am just now starting to get to know some of their names. There are a few people who stick out in my mind that have given me excellent advice, especially when I was in bad shape. These people are long time quitters, anywhere from 6 months to beyond a year. They have shared with me their opinions and their experiences. They have directed me. Many of them have saved me in many ways.

I have not created a buddy system with anybody in particular but the advice I have received has been the best... and You always manage to show me the way......

Thanks...Judy
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tash
tash

May 20th, 2002, 1:07 am #24

Joel,
Thanks. I admit the time I've spent my first few days here has been somewhat excessive. I'm on summer break from school and have the time to be connected and absorbing as much information as possible. But I know there will come a time when I won't have so much free time, nor will I have the need for such immediate support. I am glad to have the community here while I need it, but know that I will take what I've gained here and carry it with me at those times when I can't be connected to Freedom.
-Tash
Smoke free for 1 week, five days, 12 hours.
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bugs7001
bugs7001

July 14th, 2002, 7:36 am #25

Thanks Joel... Sometimes it just seems easy to gravitate to those people we feel comfortable with or feel like we have something in common with. I've already noticed 2 people whose quits are within hours of my own. It seems like it would be very easy to build a whole group of us, but... where's the leader? The blind leading the blind is probably not a great idea right now, right? I'll make sure to make a conscious effort to lean on those who are stronger, then return the favor when I get there. Thanks for all that you do. Your site is a life saver...literally. Michelle
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Joel
Joel

July 18th, 2002, 8:34 pm #26

Don't feel the need to wait for some significant other person to quit smoking in order for you to start your quit. If others quit at the same time as you do, make sure that your personal feeling is that you are quitting in spite of this fact and not because of it. This quit is for you--their quit is going to be for their benefit. See the article Quitting for Others for additional perspective on this issue. To make this quit work only requires that YOU stay committed to never take another puff!



Joel
Last edited by Joel on June 22nd, 2013, 11:03 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Juanjuanjuanjuanjuan200
Juanjuanjuanjuanjuan200

August 3rd, 2002, 9:40 pm #27

Great thread, I always feel a bit embarrassed and no one to tell a newbie what to do and at the same time I deeply aknowledge the effective result of helping others as a way to help ones quit, to keep it better. Others feel enthousiastic. But when my smoking wife told me she saw on the computer my stats, and that she envy them, I pray in my silent mind, that she finds also Joels texts, the same ones that not to long ago- for general standards but almost two succesfull an exhilarating green months for all my buddys in this cybercorner- made me stop, without planning it, without strategies, substitutes. I needed to stop, freedom invited me to do it on a eyes closed jump, and it is working.............Speaking about sponsors, I miss Obob. When is he coming back?


juan
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

October 27th, 2002, 11:45 pm #28

Freedom would be honored
to be your quit buddy
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

November 11th, 2002, 8:18 pm #29

A crutch is anything that you lean heavily upon in order to support or motivate your effort to break nicotine's grip upon your life. If your effort is dependent upon any crutch, what will happen if the crutch is for some reason removed? Why allow your health and very possibly our life to depend upon any person, place or thing other than you!
Eating lots of extra food that must lead to substantial weight gain, major lifestyle changes that would eventually tire anyone, a quit smoking exercise program that can be interrupted by weather or injury, an uneducated quitting buddy who statistically has an 88 to 90% chance of relapsing within 24 weeks, the support of family and friends who are not drug addicts themselves and can not in fairness be expected to appreciate the magnitude or duration of chemical nicotine withdrawal or psychological recovery, or even leaning too heavily upon any support group to keep your motivation strong.
This is your quit and the list of reasons on your reasons list all belong to you! The next few minutes are doable and you'll be the only one doing them! If you have only quit for one hour be proud of your accomplishment as no one hour during this temporary journey of adjustment called "quitting" is any more important than another. Baby steps, just one hour, challenge and day at a time! This is doable if we simply NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF! John
Last edited by John (Gold) on April 14th, 2009, 3:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joel
Joel

November 27th, 2002, 9:01 pm #30

From: Joel. Sent: 11/27/2002 6:01 AM
Did you ever notice how we can do days, weeks or sometimes months without a single person feeling the need to post an SOS or a 911 or a totally miserable day and then all of a sudden, we see one after another all at the same time? Well yesterday seemed to be one of those days where negativity just seemed to be abound.

For all of our newer members, go look at posts from two day ago, and last week and last month and see how many look like yesterday did. It is important that you realize what you were witnessing here then was not the norm. Don't walk away with the idea that longer term quitters are not in constant withdrawals and also know that most are not in constant internal battles with chronic thoughts either. What you were witnessing was a few people having a bad day.

Over the years I have done two types of Stop Smoking Clinics. The first is community based, and the other is corporate based. In the community based programs, we would normally get anywhere from 10 to 60 people. While a few may know each other before hand, most are strangers when first meeting at the clinic.

In the corporate based programs many people come in already knowing each other, or, meeting co-workers who they may never have talked to before and then seeing these people throughout the day during the clinic and then for as long as both parties stay in employment of the company.

There is a real danger in the corporate setting of two phenomena's occurring. First, the buddy system that we talk often about here at Freedom--where if one buddy fails the other follow suits, because the two people start to feel contingent on one another. Sometimes this is even a bigger problem when the whole group is a big buddy system, and then numerous people could be lost all in one swoop.

The other phenomena though that can be a real danger in such systems is where one or two people are having a bad day, possibly having nothing to do with quitting smoking, and then start to spread the word of negative feelings that they are now experiencing some horrible effect from quitting smoking. Then as soon as something goes awry in another person from the group's day, again, likely having nothing to do with quitting smoking, and the person starts to feel angered or upset by the external situation, he or she now thinks too that his or her feelings are some quit smoking effect. Pretty soon the whole group is scared and their quits are now in jeopardy. This can happen in community groups too, but usually on a smaller scale for groups rarely form long lasting bonds and have regular contact with each other.

It is crucial that everyone who reads here understand that throughout their lives they are going to have bad days. This is not because they are ex-smokers, it is because they are human beings. It is even broader than that, it is because they are living organisms. Our environments will effect our moods. Be it weather problems, stresses with family members, problems at work, shifts in the economy, issues in the world that effect the peace and stability of nations, and a host of other problems that plague mankind, life continues after people quit smoking and it is imperative to recognize that you are going to have bad days as an ex-smoker. But you must recognize that you were going to have most of those same days if you were a current smoker and you would likely have had some of those same days if you had never been a smoker.

Also you should note that while many of these bad days would have been happening no matter what your past or current smoking status had been, by having quit smoking you are in fact averting a whole lot of really bad days that smoking would have induced. Examples would be the day you have a smoking induced stroke, or the day you have a heart attack, or the day that a routine x-ray shows a spot that turns out to be more than a technological glitch. These days, while bad in themselves are the start of a time period which may make your current problems seem small and totally insignificant in comparison.

Then there are the problems of the bad days when withdrawals are just a tad worse as a smoker, because the environments you are in are not allowing constant smoking. These days are happening a lot more often for people too as more and more cities, states and even whole countries are starting to implement smoking restrictions in more public places.

Then there are the bad days when smoking becomes a greater economic hardship, because the price per pack all of a sudden jumps significantly. Then there are the bad days when you burn some piece of clothing, furniture, or maybe your whole house down. That last one would be a particularly noteworthy bad day--especially if you had pets or family members in the house who did not get out.

Smoking does have the one advantage of pretty much insuring that you will have less bad days of life though. It does this by killing you earlier than you were really intending to go. Unfortunately, this also limits your number of good days too and it will normally leave your loved ones with a lot more bad days than they would normally have had if you did not smoke.

Freedom is a lot more like the corporate based clinics because we all have the opportunity to stay in touch and share experiences over the long-term. While this allows our members the ability to share experiences and help to reinforce each others resolve, it also carries the additional risk of the spreading of negative experiences and having it appear to be effects of having quit smoking. It is crucial for our members to be more discriminating that this. When you are having bad moments to be able to look around and surrounding circumstances and try to determine if other areas of your life may be responsible for certain physical or emotional reactions.

If you come to the conclusion that absolutely nothing is wrong in your life or in the lives of others around you that can be accounting for some bad feeling--congratulations are in order for you have reached a state of paradise and bliss that most of mankind has been seeking since its inception and has never been able to attain. Although if this is the case, there is a chance that you may have lost a little touch with reality.

Life goes on after you quit smoking--accept that fact. It is indeed what you were hoping for when first quitting--that your life would go on as it did before, maybe even better. While you may not be happy with the way everything is going in your life at any given moment, if you really examine the benefits to your health and to your life of no longer having to maintain an expensive, dirty, dangerous and deadly addiction, you will at least always be a little happier by the fact that you made and stuck to a commitment to never take another puff!

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GrumpyOMrsS (Gold)
GrumpyOMrsS (Gold)

December 14th, 2002, 12:50 am #31

while we tend to enjoy a "specialness" and/or a certain "bonding" with a member quitting the same time as us, or becoming members at the same time, it is more important to remember that our quits must be ours and ours alone.

Linda
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John (Gold)
John (Gold)

January 2nd, 2003, 10:24 pm #32

Imagine two infants trying to support
each other as they take their first steps.
Does that sound prudent?
Make sure that any buddy assisting you in learning to
walk already knows how to do so themselves!
Last edited by John (Gold) on April 14th, 2009, 3:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
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GrumpyOMrsS (Gold)
GrumpyOMrsS (Gold)

March 2nd, 2003, 8:14 am #33

I read in a post today where one new member said to another that they could support each other. While it's nice to have someone who's quit the same time as a friend, we strongly recommend at Freedom that you do not lean upon that person to help you with your quit. Listen to the people who are comfortable and understand what nicotine addiction is all about, for they are truly in the position to help you understand what you are going through. The way you feel when you first quit smoking is NOT the way it feels to be a comfortable ex smoker. So read and learn and read and learn and before you know it, you too will also be a comfortable ex smoker.

Linda
3 years plus
Last edited by GrumpyOMrsS (Gold) on April 14th, 2009, 3:53 am, edited 2 times in total.
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ladygrace
ladygrace

March 8th, 2003, 5:34 am #34

Thank you, Joel. I don't need a "buddy", I need a mentor. Someone older and wiser into their non smoking life than I am. Someone with experience and the abiltiy to guide me. Thank you for being such a great mentor to all of us.
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valeriescleanGOLD
valeriescleanGOLD

March 8th, 2003, 5:48 am #35

Ladygrace you are right on- I have always contested that EXPERIENCE was the greatest teacher. Every day of Freedom is reason to celebrate. Heres to Freedom's Bronze, Silver adnd Gold members! They SHOW us we can do this! Golds PROVE a year is possible. Silvers PROVE triggers are overcomable and Bronzes PROVE comfort awaits! Heres to LIFE!
Valerie
2 Months 6 Days
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