BlackGuilmon's tour for Dusk

Joined: 2:16 PM - May 28, 2012

7:38 PM - Jun 01, 2012 #1

"Here, I'd like to show you around the areas here! I've done some research on Digital City while you were out cold Dusk!" Black Guilmon said. "There's the Shopping Center, where we are now. There's allot of places to go to here! There's the Food shopping area, where we can get our food. There's the area where we can get extra applications for D-Bans, although I'm not sure if they are compatible with your Dark D-Ban Dusk. After all, The Dark D-Ban is filled with dark energy, and it's not from this world and it's a not finished version that you had to steal to get away from your home world." The BlackGuilmon spoke again. "OK, partner. Can you show me any other areas?" Dusk asked. "Well, there's.... HEY! Somebody just ran-offf stealing the only three cards you have!" BlackGuilmon exclaimed. The suspisious man who stole Dusk's cards ran off into a dark alllyway. "We have to follow him!" Dusk said. They then ran after the man, with pushing themselves harder and harder. the man was so fast, the pushed themselves so hard, their energy was running out. "*Pant...pant...pant.....* we have to get him! suddenly, a dark energy enveloped Dusk out of nowhere, restoring his energy. "Yes....just what I needed!" Dusk picked-up BlackGuilmon, his physical power also increasing, in addition to his energy and speed. "Let's GET HIM!" they ran off after him (Well, more like Dusk running while carrying BlackGuilmon), Dusk's speed increasing minute by minute. Until, the thief saw them catching-up. "Oh no! They're on my tail! I know! I'll build a barricade!" The thief runs so fast ahead of Dusk and BlackGuilmon. "We've GOT to catch him!" they run after him, but not until the thief barricaded himself with a large stone! "Ha! You'll never get me now!" the thief exclaimed. As Dusk and his partner was talking to formulate a plan, the thief was talking to himself. "Heh heh! Ultra Evolution Pill! With this I'll be unstoppable!' Back to Dusk and BlackGuilmon: "I know! Why don't you dig underground and pop-up on the other side of that rock?" Dusk said to BlackGuilmon. "OK! Great idea! Why didn't we think of it before?" BlackGuilmon said. The thief then said "OK, now to make my escape!" "NOT SO FAST!!" Dusk and BlackGuilmon said at exactly at the same time. "AHHHHHHH!!!!" The thief yelled in fear. "Ah ha! A Goblinmon! So YOU'RE the thief! You better give me back my cards RIGHT NOW, or I'll have to destroy you to get them!!" Dusk yelled. "OK OK! Here!" The Goblinmon handed 2 of the 3 cards. "All of them!" Dusk said. Goblinmon thought "(Dang it, thought I could get away with it!)" "OK, here." Goblinmon said, handing back the Ultra Evolution card. "Yes! We got our cards back! Now let's get back to the Shopping area, we need to get some food after all that! I'm starved!" Dusk said. "Me too" his partner said. So, they went back, got plenty of food and some other stuff, and headed to the new apartment they got, but couldn't go to while Dusk was at the Clinic.

Name: Dusk
Money: 6800 Bits
Apartment: C-3

Partner Digimon:

Digimon name: BlackGuilmon
Digimon Species: BlackGuilmon
BlackGuilmon's DEP: 1.30
Digimon line: BlackGuilmon//BlackGrowlmon//BlackWarGrowlmon//ChaosGallantmon//ChaosGallantmon Darkness Mode (Biomerge)

Joined: 11:13 PM - Jan 15, 2010

2:34 PM - Jun 04, 2012 #2

Ok some things I need to tell you

Separate your paragraphs- It makes it easier on both accounts, yours and mien to read, and its generally the way your expected to roleplay. If you need examples, look at some other threads, you'll see that people separate their paragraphs and generally make it nice and clean.

Third person- You need to write in third person, its the style people rp in pretty much everywhere, its cleaner, nicer, and it makes a bit more sense. I got this drilled into my head when I was very early here, and I'm doing the same here now. In the future please write in the style that's like this

"The stranger walked down the street, talking to a local street merchant before he walked through the rest of the town"


"The stranger walks through town, talks to the shopkeeper then walks away."

That said this story was a fun read, I only ask you to improve for the future, that said your reward is:

.03 DEP
250 Bits

I'm not trying to put you down man, im just telling you the same things I got told when I first got here, I hope to see more of your work, and more of you around digital dreams ^^
Tyrel D.E.P. 3.20
Arrow D.E.P. 2.55


Venus's pack
Venus: 1.2
Trista: 1.1
Money: 6450bits

"drink is the curse of the land, it makes you fight with your neighbor, it makes you shoot at your landlord, and it makes you miss him "
(Irish quote)

Sigs by losty of course

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