I used to have so much shame. By imagining my body as female, I used to justify it as trying to be an empathetic male. When that wore thin, it was just a sick fetish. So, in my fantasies I'd get somehow turned into a female against my will and, of course, fucked/raped. This way, I'd get sex the way my brain needed it, but it wouldn't be my fault. I wouldn't be responsible for it.
In trying to write about such fantasies, the hard part was always the antagonist. Their motive for feminizing a victim never made sense to me. It seems most transformation fiction suffers from this. It's just so convenient to be forced to do/experience what ultimately you want/need to do/experience. Ultimately, I was responsible for what I wanted/needed, and no antagonist forcing me to do it could absolve me of what seemed perverse when I still clung to the idea I was a man.
It's been 9 months since I accepted myself as trans. 6 months since I've lived as a woman full time.
There is no more shame.
I used to masturbate on average once a day. It's like my repression acted like a pressure cooker, and the only way it could find any release was through the hidden pressure valve of secret and perverse masturbatory fantasies.
By accepting myself, I released the pressure and took the lid off the pressure cooker. Now, my sexual fantasies start with me being female and seem much less perverse. Perhaps even 'normal'. Definitely better. Also, much less frequent. In the past 9 months I've masturbated maybe 5 or 6 times. Not because I needed to. More out of curiosity about it and my sexual orientation.
What... this isn't in the safe room? I don't give a shit. I have nothing I need to hide anymore. I was a woman struggling with a body incapable of sex the way a woman needs sex, and to make matters worse, I thought I was a man. I coped with that predicament the best I could. Part of that was writing.
https://fictionmania.tv/stories/readtex ... 6451292502
Pretty standard fare for fictionmania. The antagonist still makes no sense to me.
https://fictionmania.tv/stories/readtex ... 7314488150
An attempt to get around the stupid antagonist stuff.
At the time of writing these, I still hadn't accepted myself as a trans-woman. I'm not particularly proud of them, but I'm not ashamed either. They are a part of my past dealing with being a repressed trans-woman.