What am I doing here?

oreb
oreb

July 7th, 2018, 5:56 pm #1

Can anybody tell me?
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Joined: September 14th, 2016, 8:12 am

July 7th, 2018, 6:30 pm #2

Sometimes, when my mood is really bad I ask myself similar questions. The answer is: I'm here because CDL is the place, where I really belong. Trans people are my nation, in some sense. It's independent from my will, from my desires. It doesn't matter, would I accept or fight this, I do belong here.

I think that it's probably true for you too.
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Joined: November 16th, 2015, 2:24 pm

July 8th, 2018, 11:10 am #3

500 heads think better than one.
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oreb
oreb

July 8th, 2018, 2:08 pm #4

We are not thinking at all. We should think more. But I don't have any enery left for anything. I'm just a waste of a person.
You should think.
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Joined: April 11th, 2018, 2:59 am

July 9th, 2018, 12:17 am #5

look take it from me life sucks and is a complete drag, being around others with like intrests makes it easier to deal with but you got to try too, it dont just happen at once
You can call me Sakura /(^ x ^)\. it is not my real name of course but that is because i have none, i'm not even real :(.
I guess that makes me Shirayuki, I'm the original one of us.
We are both happy to be here =^-^=.
I'm just along for the ride.
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oreb
oreb

July 9th, 2018, 4:49 am #6

You are too nice. Life does not suck. I suck. I am a useless, conceited and disgusting individual incapable achieving anything or loving anyone. What a piece of crap. Don't go near me or you will become contaminated.
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Joined: April 11th, 2018, 2:59 am

July 9th, 2018, 5:20 am #7

at least your a real person. thats a step up from me
You can call me Sakura /(^ x ^)\. it is not my real name of course but that is because i have none, i'm not even real :(.
I guess that makes me Shirayuki, I'm the original one of us.
We are both happy to be here =^-^=.
I'm just along for the ride.
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Joined: May 8th, 2018, 9:09 am

July 9th, 2018, 6:14 am #8

I was never any good at telepathy.

But for my part, I'm here because I need to be part of a community where I can fearlessly and honestly share my own reality, including aspects of myself that don't fit the expectations of society; where I can connect with people not despite but (in part) because of those things; and where I can learn from and be enriched by others who share their realities in the same way.

Off-topic discussions are important too, because I do not wish to compartmentalise myself.

I hope that CDL will always be part of me — meaning not so much the forum itself as its legacy. Twenty years from now I hope there will be people in my life who wouldn't be there if CDL had never existed.

On the other hand, relationships and communities are such fickle things. I often struggle with questions like how I can know if I'm setting my expectations too high or making myself vulnerable to disappointment. How do I find the right balance between keeping my feelings bottled up and letting them flow indiscriminantly? When I share something important and hear crickets, how do I manage the doubt that evokes?

There is an e-friend I have barely heard from since I joined CDL, and I am feeling estranged. We've been in regular contact for years, chatting about everything from the deep to the mundane, and she's as reliable a friend as I have ever known. She's been there while other friends have come and gone. I hate the thought that we may be drifting apart, but there it is. And however stable and dependable things seem, we all know that questions about the future of our relationships have one answer only: "If I could tell you, I would let you know".

Henri Nouwen has a lot to say about unrealistic expectations of community:

"To wait for moments or places where no pain exists, no separation is felt and where all human restlessness has turned into inner peace is waiting for a dreamworld. No friend or lover, no husband or wife, no community or commune will be able to put to rest our deepest cravings for unity and wholeness. And by burdening others with these divine expectations, of which we ourselves are often only partially aware, we might inhibit the expression of free friendship and love and evoke instead feelings of inadequacy and weakness."

And:

"There is a false form of honesty that suggests that nothing should remain hidden and that everything should be said, expressed and communicated. This honesty can be very harmful, and if it does not harm, it at least makes the relationship flat, superficial, empty and often very boring. [...] It is our vocation to prevent the harmful exposure of our inner sanctuary, not only for our own protection but also as a service to our fellow human beings with whom we want to enter in a creative communion. Just as words lose their power when they are not born out of silence, so openness loses its meaning when there is no ability to be closed."

But where do you draw the line, how do you know the difference? I wish I knew.

P.S. Oreb, your self-evaluation sounds textbook depression to me, and while acknowledging that it is real to you, I don't believe a word of it. I wish you an abundance of happiness and fulfilment, however unreachable those qualities may feel. Beyond that, I don't feel it's my place to comment.
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Joined: November 17th, 2015, 11:32 am

July 10th, 2018, 12:09 am #9

oreb wrote: You are too nice. Life does not suck. I suck. I am a useless, conceited and disgusting individual incapable achieving anything or loving anyone. What a piece of crap. Don't go near me or you will become contaminated.
You have an outstanding talent for self depreciation.
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oreb
oreb

July 10th, 2018, 5:35 am #10

I have no other talent, so better be good.
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