My gender boundaries are blurring

Sofie
Dream Dancer
Sofie
Dream Dancer
Joined: 11:48 AM - Nov 26, 2015

12:23 AM - Feb 19, 2018 #1

I still feel like I'm new to this, but it's been a few years now since I came out to myself, resumed crossdressing, etc. Even then, though, I still felt a clear separation between "boy mode" and "girl mode" even though I had accepted the latter as a legitimate part of myself. I don't think I realized, maybe even now, how deep this runs within me. I had to fill out a form the other day and where I used to easily check off "male" because that was my "default mode" even though I knew I had my femme side, it felt really wrong to check male this time. It was almost painful, as if before I was fine with it being my little secret but now even that feels like denial. I still get that feeling of not being "real" trans though, because I am only out to my kink scene friends and present male everywhere else, but I just don't feel that "male" describes me in any way whatsoever anymore. I can't really distinguish anymore between what I used to consider my "femme thoughts" and my regular ones. On one hand, I love this feeling. It feels like I used to have multiple personalities and they are finally becoming whole. I am healing internally. On the other, I feel a little scared and weird like I did when I first came out to myself. I guess this is the next step of the journey. Has anyone else felt like this?
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Katya
Dream Walker
Katya
Dream Walker
Joined: 7:03 AM - Sep 03, 2017

1:03 AM - Feb 19, 2018 #2

I have gender journey, but it is not linear, sometimes I can return to male gender identity. Also I don't know destination of gender journey, and I think this journey will end only at the moment of my death. 
WE DO NOT EVEN IN THE LEAST KNOW THE FINAL CAUSE OF SEXUALITY. THE WHOLE SUBJECT IS HIDDEN IN DARKNESS
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Bethany822
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Bethany822
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Joined: 11:21 PM - Jan 01, 2018

4:23 PM - Feb 19, 2018 #3

All those reactions, @Sofie  and @Katya, they might be different manifestations of gender dysphoria/euphoria. Sadly, we live in a binary world that has caused us, for many years, to expertly profile as one gender binary or the other. We don't shed that profiling instantly when we come out to ourselves. It IS a journey, fraught with all sorts of reasons to question ourselves. It's truly a blessing, @Sofie that you are now experiencing a wholeness in the ascendancy of your female self.

I, too, am experiencing many of these feelings. Yesterday, I heavily questioned myself: was I just putting this all on, as some kind of lark? Was there something mentally wrong with me—a kind of gender munchausen's disease—that I was deluded by? Why consider the rise of my female self when it risks the loss of my wife of 30+ years?

Then, I came out to a friend who reaffirmed who I am, and it all fell back into place.

I keep coming back to these words of wisdom from Mia Violet, “Yes, You’re ‘Trans Enough’ to Be Transgender” ([url=http://Mia Violet, “Yes, You’re ‘Trans Enough’ to Be Transgender” (https://www.huffingtonpost.com/mia-viol ... 18754.html)]Mia Violet, “Yes, You’re ‘Trans Enough’ to Be Transgender” (https://www.huffingtonpost.com/mia-viol ... 18754.html)[/url]):

"I’ll let you in on a secret; only trans people want to transition. Only trans people size up how difficult transition is going to be and still think it looks enticing. If you want to transition then congratulations, you’re trans

“ … This includes family, doctors, friends, strangers and especially other trans people. You are the ultimate authority on your gender identity and you can identify as whatever you feel is right.

“ … This is only loosely related, but I think it’s important to state. Many people early in their transition, and some later too, worry that they’re being selfish by exploring their gender identity. They’re not. Your gender identity is you. If it’s taken you a long time to discover it then that’s not your fault. Society puts enormous pressure on people to not identify as transgender, it takes a lot of courage to finally explore your gender identity. That’s to be celebrated and commended.” [emphases mine]
😘
—Bethany

the three most important strategies are...
1. Reinvent what 'being a man' means to you - .
2. Reinvent what 'being a woman' means to you - .
3. Mash together 1 and 2... and create the new you.
—Felix Conrad
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Sofie
Dream Dancer
Sofie
Dream Dancer
Joined: 11:48 AM - Nov 26, 2015

3:11 AM - Feb 20, 2018 #4

Bethany, my therapist told me something I always think about at times like that now. She asked me if I thought cis people spent most of their life questioning their own gender? No. I had to ask her to reassure myself, but I can't imagine cis people spending decades of their life agonizing over their own gender identity.
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Bethany822
Deep Dreamer
Bethany822
Deep Dreamer
Joined: 11:21 PM - Jan 01, 2018

11:43 PM - Feb 20, 2018 #5

That may be part of the definition of "cis"—that they so completely identify with their assigned gender and genitalia (and the culture constantly reinforces the binary gender model in which people fall into one or the other M/F) that there is no question. This is the way it is. Thus, the phobia about genderqueer, genderfluid, nonbinary, and transgender persons. Good observation, Sofie!😍
—Bethany

the three most important strategies are...
1. Reinvent what 'being a man' means to you - .
2. Reinvent what 'being a woman' means to you - .
3. Mash together 1 and 2... and create the new you.
—Felix Conrad
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terrik2016
Daydreamer
terrik2016
Daydreamer
Joined: 10:37 PM - Feb 15, 2018

11:12 AM - Feb 21, 2018 #6

I just read the Mia Violet article last night and it really spoke to a lot of the internal questioning I have been doing for some time. its so hard not to question yourself when you have built a life in one persona - family, career, etc.  At the same time, it gets harder and harder when you realize that maybe all of it is just a lie but after so many years, what can you do about it all?   A lot of my questioning centers around deciding of I believe this part or not:


It’s not selfish to come out as transgender

This is only loosely related, but I think it’s important to state. Many people early in their transition, and some later too, worry that they’re being selfish by exploring their gender identity. They’re not. Your gender identity is you. If it’s taken you a long time to discover it then that’s not your fault. Society puts enormous pressure on people to not identify as transgender, it takes a lot of courage to finally explore your gender identity. That’s to be celebrated and commended  

This is the one that keeps me in my current state I think more than anything else because I cant quite get past the lie I have been living all of these years.
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Bethany822
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Bethany822
Deep Dreamer
Joined: 11:21 PM - Jan 01, 2018

12:49 PM - Feb 21, 2018 #7

@terrik2016 

YES! You hit the nail on the head! Yesterday, my gender therapist told me that, when I journal (something I didn't ever do until I realized I am trans), to pause that voice in my head that questions me, that says, "Why are you doing this? Are you deluding yourself?" and hold a conversation with it in my journal. Ask it, "Why are you asking those questions? To what end? What is it your are attempting to do for or offer me? Who are you, Voice?"

I'll let you know how the conversation goes!   😚
—Bethany

the three most important strategies are...
1. Reinvent what 'being a man' means to you - .
2. Reinvent what 'being a woman' means to you - .
3. Mash together 1 and 2... and create the new you.
—Felix Conrad
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terrik2016
Daydreamer
terrik2016
Daydreamer
Joined: 10:37 PM - Feb 15, 2018

3:06 PM - Feb 21, 2018 #8

Quieting the voice of doubt is easier said than done but I look forward to hearing about your conversations 🙂
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Bethany822
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Bethany822
Deep Dreamer
Joined: 11:21 PM - Jan 01, 2018

10:55 PM - Feb 21, 2018 #9

@terrik2016 and All,

I promised, so here it is. [My words in italics; my false self's/harsh voice's words in regular text and quoted].

Okay, so now for the assignment my gender therapist gave me. She and I talked about the voice of self-recrimination and doubt that is hounding me through this, the early stages of my transition. It's the same voice that has been with me all my life—it's a voice that always wants me to step outside myself (not in a good way) and second-guess myself. I've identified it as that voice that wants to please others so that I don't get abandoned, a voice that has always urged me to be a chameleon—so much so that, until the last few years, I didn't recognize its urgings but thought the voice was me. It's the voice of my anxiety, self-hatred, and depression.

My therapist's assignment? Engage the voice, right here in my journal. Talk with it in writing; expose its ruthless questioning, recrimination, and castigation. Here goes.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you putting yourself through this? Are you on a lark? Do you have a gender-bender version of Munchausen's syndrome? Are you so suggestible that you just fall into the novelty of wanting to become a woman? Look at what you're doing to your wife and your marriage and your life! She's going to leave you, you know. Then you'll be in ruins
Hello, Voice. Let's talk. You don't usually expect answers to your questions, 'cuz they're all rhetorical. But I'll treat them here as if they're truly inquiries.

I'm not doing anything to myself. Bethany is happening to me. She is me. I am her. And I love her. I love feeling like her, being her. Do you think I just masochistically decided to upend my life on a lark? That I would find all the struggle and change this involves as something enticing? Nope. It's happening because a door has been opened in myself, and I get to let air and light and hope—and MYSELF—into some mansions of my heart that I haven't explored consciously, ever.

So, say I do have some gender version of Munchausen's. Okay, then, I'm sick. But what does that profit me? What treatment do you suggest other than the one you've applied through all my years: tamping down Bethany, tying her down, raping her, muzzling her, shutting her up into a closet so impenetrable that I didn't even know it was there. That's not a cure. It's a cover-up.
Well, maybe it's a good thing to cover up! For the sake of your wife and the sake of your happiness and wholeness.
Ah, now I've got you in statement mode, revealing that you never were asking questions. That you never were about the safety and wholeness of the true me. You have an agenda: to protect me from any possibility of regret, confrontation, and suffering. Seems laudable. But at what price? Play a role and never know myself? I don't think you're really into protecting my wife or me. I think you're all about yourself. Who is that self? It's my ego, my false self. You are the projection I make onto the world, to be what I think the world needs me to be so that I don't hurt and suffer.

The exploration and revelation of Bethany unmasks you for what you are: a container built to hold myself. But containers can become prisons. And you've spent my whole life building a wondrous container, one that convinces everyone of the manly, righteous, funny person I thought I needed to be in order to be loved. In order to live. But this isn't living.

I've built this container, oh voice, oh false self, oh me, and a pretty and sturdy one it is. But what does the container hold? What does it imprison? ME. Containers keep out light and love. Why build a container and never understand the preciousness that it holds? Because bringing it out into the light is scary. I might not like what I see. I might find that I've been building a container not to protect anything, but to hide from myself.

I'm not hiding anymore.

Love—Bethany
—Bethany

the three most important strategies are...
1. Reinvent what 'being a man' means to you - .
2. Reinvent what 'being a woman' means to you - .
3. Mash together 1 and 2... and create the new you.
—Felix Conrad
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terrik2016
Daydreamer
terrik2016
Daydreamer
Joined: 10:37 PM - Feb 15, 2018

11:05 AM - Feb 22, 2018 #10

@Bethany822

Wow! This is just it isn’t it? The whole dilemma in this conversation of the internal hidden deep inside vs the external facade built up over a lifetime. So brave of you to share. I’m not nearly there yet but I hope I can be as brave nd honest someday.

Terri
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