I ruined my life my coming out

addie464
Daydreamer
addie464
Daydreamer
Joined: 5:07 PM - Oct 06, 2017

5:31 PM - Oct 06, 2017 #1

I feel I've totally ruined my life. I've always been a very feminine, sensitive girl, with a very active imagination. When I was 8 I created this imaginary "male self".  At 12 I started crossdreaming more and all my imagined relationships and sex and everything was experienced from this male self / body. I never thought about relationships or intimacy or sex as a woman ever. The stories were very elaborate not just sex fantasies. Any deep emotions would be felt through my male selves. I've created like 40 or so male selves. I would crossdreaming for like 7+ hours a day some days. It felt so euphoric those feelings of intimacy and love, that I never got as a girl. I never felt connected to people in my outer life. Never felt love for or from my family, never really cared about my friends. Looking back now I was always quite blocked off emotionally as a girl in my "outside world". Like I had to fake emotions and pretended I cared about my friends' hardships when really I didn't, I was so blocked. I had a relationship with a guy I wanted to love, but I felt I couldn't. Like I couldn't feel any love or feel intimacy I was just numb and bored even though I was like mentally so so infatuated by him. I crossdreamed a lot after I was with him to feel intimacy. I went into my mind and found my female self felt empty and fake and distant while my male self felt real and loving. I had thoughts of my male self killing my female self. I am an extremely feminine woman...but I felt like a shell, like an actor instead of a real woman. I lost it and cut off my hair, dressed androgynous, deleted my old profile pictures from facebook that I started hating, came out as genderfluid, changed my name did the whole thing super impulsively. Just because I felt no connection to my female self or feminine name...after so many years of only feeling deep emotions as a guy. It felt like I was getting rid of a fake me in a way, but I just created an even more fake me. I'm such an idiot. I quickly realized I'd made a huge mistake, did a lot of emotional work on my connection to my female body / self and sexuality and now I feel connected to being a woman. I still crossdream but it's not as obsessive. But since I'm such a feminine woman what I did was so strange. I'm so ashamed. Why did I ever have to be a crossdreamer. Why was I so impulsive with destroying my identity. It was stupid and immature what I did but I feel people will always be confused and laugh at me for what I did and I can't take the shame or regret and I want to die.
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April
Dream Tamer
April
Dream Tamer
Joined: 11:32 AM - Nov 17, 2015

6:18 PM - Oct 06, 2017 #2

Hi Addie, Welcome to the forum. Wow, I am so sad for all the pain you have experienced. Why do you feel you have ruined your life by exploring and embracing this part of you? If a gender neutral presentation wasn't working for you, why can't you just move on and start over? I am also curious if there was an eureka moment for you, or if it was a realization that just happened over time.

Hugs, April
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addie464
Daydreamer
addie464
Daydreamer
Joined: 5:07 PM - Oct 06, 2017

8:38 PM - Oct 06, 2017 #3

Thanks April. I just feel like a lot of people make fun of people like me, who are obviously girly girls and then suddenly cut their hair and come out as some other identity. They call them transtrenders and how they're so cringey and embarrassing. I mean I never did it to be cool like they claim not at all, more of an escape and because the crossdreaming was getting too much, but people won't see it that way. I'm trying to move on, I guess I'm just always worried that if I make new relationships as a super femme woman and I tell them they'll judge me. Especially any future boyfriends. I guess it just happened over time. I liked crossdressing and seeing a boy in the mirror and would dress femme sometimes, but after a while dressing femme started to feel uncomfortable like my mind was rejecting it and I realized I was rejecting myself instead of being true to myself and I had gone about everything the wrong way.
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Sofie
Dream Dancer
Sofie
Dream Dancer
Joined: 11:48 AM - Nov 26, 2015

12:30 AM - Oct 07, 2017 #4

Hi Addie! I think you are very brave for coming out. For me the gender is reversed but I can relate a lot this. Ultimately, I had to lie down, close my eyes, and just let myself experience what I truly felt in terms of my gender. Letting myself feel freely with no consequences or guilt. It can be very hard at first, but I wouldn't have accepted myself as a crossdreamer if I hadn't.
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AllisonWunderland
Dream Walker
Joined: 3:20 PM - Mar 01, 2017

5:54 PM - Oct 08, 2017 #5

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh joy! I do soooooooooooo enjoy working on a post for hours only to have it whacked by a bullshit interface system.

Try to free yourself from the constraints imposed by a rigid, binary, hetero-normative culture where any variation outside the dyad is viewed as "pathological." In a post-modern society, we need to deconstruct rigid systems of gender expression.

My blog beats this idea to death.
Allison Wunderland's Transcend Dance --
http://allisontranscend.blogspot.com/
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Deborah Kate
Dream Catcher
Deborah Kate
Dream Catcher
Joined: 4:58 PM - Nov 26, 2015

8:20 AM - Oct 09, 2017 #6

hi Addie,

thank you for this brave sharing. i am sorry you have been feeling so bad.

it's great that you are sensitive, with an active imagination. these are valuable qualities.

there's a community here who accept crossdreaming without judgment. we empathize, and won't pressure you either way.

in my personal opinion gender fluid sounds good, as an interpretation of yourself, which it might or might not be wise to share. crossdreaming has been a major thing for you, and your femininity is also a major thing for you. you don't have decide decisively to reject either one (both might part of 'yourself', to which you wish to be true), and you don't have to declare everything to people around you who might be unsympathetic.

i encourage you to stick around here. yet whatever you do, i hope you find contentment. xx
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addie464
Daydreamer
addie464
Daydreamer
Joined: 5:07 PM - Oct 06, 2017

8:50 PM - Oct 12, 2017 #7

Thanks guys, for being so supportive. I really appreciate this community. Yea its tough, I know I didn't at all need to "out" myself but I did so too late lol. Unfortunately I'm realizing I had a very strong disgust for female sexuality. I had never since puberty thought about having romantic relationships or sex in a female body, only a male one. I do know now that I was always meant to have both, like I do have a very strong female sexuality now. But I repressed the hell out of it for almost a decade. So when I forced myself suddenly at 20 to think about having sex in a female body I was like holy shit this is terrible. Like my body would tense up and I wanted to throw up thinking about it before my mind shut down the thought or switched it to a male body. (Legit think I had sexual aversion disorder). When I realized how powerless I felt with my female sexuality, I became disgusted with anything feminine about me which lead to impulsive decisions about suddenly looking androgynous and "coming out" just so I wouldn't be seen as this girl who could be sexualised in that way. So unfortunately I did strongly reject a side of me which isn't healthy, which isn't "correct"...which I'm ashamed about because it was more out of fear and disgust rather than...truth or whatever. Not that a fully understood all this at the time...I just knew androgyny felt more powerful and sex / intimate relationships as a femme woman felt like shit / no pleasure. 
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Bobbi Dare
Dream Walker
Bobbi Dare
Dream Walker
Joined: 1:49 AM - Jan 18, 2017

4:56 PM - Oct 13, 2017 #8



*hugs*
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April
Dream Tamer
April
Dream Tamer
Joined: 11:32 AM - Nov 17, 2015

2:35 PM - Oct 14, 2017 #9

Addie, Feelings never lie in regards to this topic. You seem to me to be rather gender fluid. You felt more like a boy for while, and therefore decided to present in a way more consistent with that. There was nothing wrong with that. Now you feel more like a girl and you choose present more that way. That is perfectly fine as well. There is no reason to feel bad about either your past or your present, and can own both if so choose.. You are whatever you are because of what you are feeling inside, and how you present is just a way of letting others know who you are.
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Monique
Dream Dancer
Monique
Dream Dancer
Joined: 5:30 AM - Mar 25, 2016

7:15 PM - Oct 14, 2017 #10

addie464 wrote:  I'm trying to move on, I guess I'm just always worried that if I make new relationships as a super femme woman and I tell them they'll judge me. Especially any future boyfriends.
If they do that they do not strike me as particularly mature or sensible and consequently not worth your while. I suggest getting a guy with a little more empathy and understanding in his head. Most young men are actually only thankful if they get the attention of a feminine young woman. Femininity is what they are after! They won't turn you away due to some excentric episode in your past.

By the way Addie, you appear to be still pretty young. If so and you keep feeling it's right being the feminine you, in a few years time life has changed so much no one is going to think about all this. Maybe you'll look back on it and have a laugh.
"We live only to discover beauty. All else is a form of waiting."

- Khalil Gibran


If I cannot be a feminine traditional woman, what's the point of being a woman?

- Me
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