I'm sorry I'm extremely tired. I cannot guarantee what I write is even gramatically correct. But let's try.
Oreb, i can understand your 'gotta get outta here' feeling. i have felt that. a major, very private part of your life suddenly becoming the focus of social interaction, situating something individual to you within commonly shared experience, is a very big change, the excitement of which is likely to feel overwhelming, impacting upon the actual crossdreaming. for crossdreaming (and CDL's role for you in relation to it) to settle (relatively) as a very important, benign but not too dominating part of life is likely to be a gradual process, the progress towards it erratic. it's cool to take a break from CDL. you will always be thoroughly welcome back again. if you take your leave, i'd recommend not posting a grand final goodbye, as this might create embarrassment upon return (many members have done this; i did it once; Koloa did it several times).
i think that, for most crossdreamers, really accepting the identity 'crossdreamer', really accepting crossdreaming as a fully acceptable part of who you are, really enjoying it's pleasures as not being guilty pleasures, is a deep development, much more easily said that fully done. i think too many skate over this with an attitude of 'i'm ok about crossdreaming, that's no big deal. point is, what is it a symptom of or is it harmful illusion?' i don't think this diagnostic approach is a positive attitude to your sexual and gender feelings.
you appreciate philosophical complexities particularly well, Oreb - i enjoy reading your writing about them. the most pertinent philosophical areas, i would say, are ontology (i.e. it's not just good 'real' life versus bad 'false' fantasy - basically Koloa's position) and the complexity of the self. intellectual doubt on trans interpretation is very real - it is not just defensive denial. i think it is best not to make your emotional well-being dependent on resolving the doubt.
Ok, I'm not sure I would describe my situation as being overwhelmed by excitement. Nor has having to do with fear of exposure. The degree of absorption is worrying me in terms of inertia. I guess I felt I could quickly find the answers I was looking for here, given a strong enough initial impulse or something. And now I realize I'm pretty much stuck running in circles. Answering the questions is not just about some spurious need to define oneself. There are very concrete practical implications to it. And time is running fast.
But why should what you describe be the expected outcome of crossdreaming? And what would that exactly mean? There are many different paths one migth try following, other than trying to purge the fantasies away.
For example one might relegate the sexual component to an angle of one's mind while progressively accomodating the, let's say purely emotional needs (to be desired, not having to be constantly armored against the world, etc.) fullfilled by crossdreaming into one's daily life. It is not required from me nor I derive any sense of satisfaction from presenting to the world a stereotipically masculine persona. For the most part, masculinity looks like some sort of strambotic circus to me. I have become a bit fond of the incredibly ascetic lord of abstraction schizoid act. But on the long run I can probably overcome of most of my fears of 'losing status' and allow myself plenty of freedom, at least in terms of emotional expression. Maybe some of the other stuff turns out more hard to dissociate from this "being woman" schema. But is that because of some mental "block" that can be melted away with a bit more of extra effort?
The sexual component... More of the same. Depending on what the true explanation of the data you might want to search for a certain kind of partner or the other. The same sexual fantasy could work for two different people in two different ways. For the first it might make more sense to search for a dom partner in fetlife. The second turns out is some sort of heterosexual bottom, for whom it. Maybe this person should look for a female partner who's herself a bit more on the masculine side in terms of sexual behaviour/attitude (less so in terms of likes), maybe a bit of a revolutionary as well. I'm afraid for the third is going almost impossible to enjoy sex with a partner with that body: wrong reactions, wrong mappings, wrong everything. All power of concentration would have to be diverted from the partner to the creation of the right virtual body. They should transition.. should they? If this incongruence manifests itself only during sex maybe one can just srug it off. There are purely romantic asexual relationships out there, after all. And so on. Theory is everywhere. Pure observation and practice do not exist.
The situation is complicated enough without the whole trans-awakening and hidden dysphoria paranoias.
These are all important decisions. Maybe not a symptom, but crossdreaming contains a huge amount of important clues.
I want my life to be, as much as possible, a unitary whole and I'm of the opinion that what gives meaning to feelings is ultimately how they fit in the larger scheme of things. I have only one life to spare, I don't feel like settling for the easiest stable status quo without having put some real effort in getting a full picture of the situation. I'm a bit worried of ending up with an important part of my existence consisting of a shadow life made out of borrowed snippets, perpetually alienated from the "conversation" in which the meaning of those cultural tokens evolves. What if those important feelings eventually get stale an whither in such an arrangement?
I appreciate the people and the conversation here very much. But the thought of CDL becoming some sort of 'institution' in my life gives me the chills. I don't really like institutions very much. I prefer public squares and parks, maybe bars too, with their regulars and strangers.
The world will tell me what the appropriate role of my crossdreaming is. Yes, the world is my oracle now, dude.
Sorry, is a bit late. I'm losing it.