I Am a Gay Man Trapped In a Womans Body

Topics of special interest to female to male crossdreamers.
Loki
Joined: 23 Feb 2017, 02:12

07 Jun 2017, 22:01 #11

I don't really relate to the girlfag thing as such, I can see how many people do and I grew up reading slash fiction (and then to a lesser extent some original homoerotic fiction and yaoi stuff later on in my teen years via fanfiction of anime/Japanese video games,) but I've never felt a particularly strong connection to gay male culture, or seen myself as a gay man as such. I do see part of my identity as male, but not necessarily gay if that makes sense.. I don't label my sexuality, and on occasion I can even be attracted to women so there's that I suppose. I'm attracted to men regardless of their sexuality though, and usually physically feminine men (with various personalities.) It doesn't matter if they're straight though as long as I can picture the dynamic I want.

But part of it is also the sex acts themselves, preferring certain ways of having sex and having certain body parts, not just the relationship roles. This is the part that causes me quite a lot of issues/frustration, since I lack those body parts. But for various reasons I've decided not to transition. It would be nice to be able to shapeshift, that'd be the ideal.

For me I don't seem to have a clear preference with roles and such. I quite like the idea of being in a more stereotypically female role but with a male body, but also often in a more stereotypical male role with a male body, and also sometimes less often as either, with a female body. I think this is why I like guys who exhibit a weird range of both masculine and feminine traits because my brain can kind of daydream all over the place.

I like the idea sometimes of being submissive sexually to someone who is male but very feminine in certain ways kind of like a male femme-dom (best way I could describe it really, dominant feminine-ish energy but feminine presentation, in androgynous male body,) I can find that quite attractive. But I also quite like the idea of being protective over a guy, sexually dominant etc, and taking on a more stereotypically masculine role with a kind of shy/vulnerable guy (that sounds kind of weird maybe but yeah... Something I fantasise about) And sometimes I like the idea of being sexually dominant with a guy who is more male typical in personality (but not too masculine, think fairly average guy I suppose.) but still they often look a little androgynous (slim, long hair usually.) The thing that remains consistent most of the time is a preference for physical androgyny in partners, even moreso than personality traits. No idea why that is. I mean I've had exceptions over the years but maybe 80% of guys I'm attracted to are physically feminine in at least a couple of traits. Some of them very feminine, and others a bit less so, but they'll have say long hair or something. Hmm.. It's difficult to write out really, my mind is a bit of a mess lol.

Of course I can see why many ftm crossdreamers would be attracted to and identify with gay male culture and gay men, because it's rare to find a heterosexual man that doesn't try to shun the things they're looking for/attracted to. I've noticed a lot seem to be into relatively feminine guys for whatever reason like me, and guys who aren't afraid to express that. I've come across guys with these traits who are heterosexual though famous examples, yet even they often express some kind of ambiguity in their sexuality. Maybe they experimented a lot, but decided they were into women, or they are openly bisexual, or they don't label their sexuality. And then of course heterosexual men aren't typically into ftm sexuality either - the stuff that turns on ftm crossdreamers generally disgusts most straight men - so there's another piece of the puzzle.

^ Think that might be where my interest in erotic stories that involved sexuality conversion/mind control etc over the last few years came from.. A lot of them involve gender play elements as well which I really like. First stumbled on one when I was 18, and read a bunch by the same author. I felt a lot of cognitive dissonance over that and many parts of it were offputting, because I'm against that kind of thing (sexuality conversion,) yet I couldn't deny it was kind of hot for some reason. I kept going back to them, weirdly fixated. Years later I found more of the same kind of thing and I also realised these stories are actually mostly written for and by men who are into this kind of thing (which made me feel a little better,) but I read them anyway sometimes, because I find some of their ideas hot. The stuff I come up with in my mind (when I can,) is always better, but it's inspirational I guess =P
Last edited by Loki on 07 Jun 2017, 22:24, edited 6 times in total.
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SweetMead
Joined: 27 Oct 2017, 11:44

27 Oct 2017, 14:09 #12

Jack,

just let me say that I love how you try to look at the issue from different points of you and not limit yourself to concepts that most people consider universal truths e.g. that gender and sexuality are totally separate things.
I also thing that crossdreaming and girfag/guydyke people belong in the same amazingly wide group of trans and non-binary identities and at the same time colourful sexualities as well.
I was born a female and I can say that I'm quite happy with my body (this is why I never thought I was trans or anywhere on the scale). However, I have always been very uncomfortable with my female role and don't relate much to other women. Also I have always felt that there was something not right about my completely heterosexual sex life, although I'm clearly not attracted to women whatsoever. I thought I was just one of those women with non-satisfactory sex life and that's that. 
In the recent years, though, I've realised that it's much more complicated than that. I found that the term girlfag describes me pretty well, although I know it is a problematic term. I'm attracted to men, but want to take the role of a man in the relationship as well as sex. It's such a paradox, I know, but this is exactly what I've have always been like, but just didn't have ways to discover it. And yes, I also have a lot of gay friends that definitely don't feel offended by me "fetishising" them (I read this on Urban Dictionary) and take me as a sort of a different kind of man, but also appreciate my female qualities like empathy and tolerance. This is no joke and no game or role play, this is my life and the people that I want to hang out with and feel attracted to. I admit, though, that it's not only gay men I'm attracted to, but it's a certain dynamic that has to be there for me to be interested.
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AllisonWunderland
Joined: 01 Mar 2017, 20:20

Yesterday, 21:02 #13

Sounds very much to me like the standard features of adolescent identity formation.

I remember being 16 yrs old -- 53 yrs ago. I was idealistic and politically motivated. What I mostly remember is that I might take a particular position, and in 15 minutes someone could have me convinced of the diametrically opposite view.

Adolescence is about figuring out who you are. It runs the gambit until you're about 25 or 30.

We're 69 -- still figuring out. The up side of being 69 is that I don't spend a lot of time trying to decide who I'm going to fuck next.
Allison Wunderland's Transcend Dance --
http://allisontranscend.blogspot.com/
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oreb
Joined: 14 May 2017, 21:32

Today, 01:42 #14

AllisonWunderland wrote: Sounds very much to me like the standard features of adolescent identity formation. 

I remember being 16 yrs old -- 53 yrs ago. I was idealistic and politically motivated. What I mostly remember is that I might take a particular position, and in 15 minutes someone could have me convinced of the diametrically opposite view. 

Adolescence is about figuring out who you are. It runs the gambit until you're about 25 or 30. 

We're 69 -- still figuring out. The up side of being 69 is that I don't spend a lot of time trying to decide who I'm going to fuck next.
Just passing judgment without knowing anything about the person's life situation nor caring to provide any sort of argument.  Sounds very much to me like the standard features of the recurrent patronizing elderly man.   The people above have a complex emotional life and have taken the time and the effort to put that into words in a nuanced and self-conscious way. It is hard. They didn't come here armed with a couple of ready-made terms they can simply claim to relate to. They have gone through a long process of self-examination, experimentation and then came here for some reason with the need to open up.   Why is it relevant that you used to change your mind every 15 minutes when you were younger? Do you think Loki and SweatMead's issues are fairly characterized as being about "trying to decide who they are going to fuck next"? If not, why just randomly drop that?

If we just had the chance to ask them about the details of what they wrote we could learn things. About how sexuality works, for example. Maybe it could help prevent us from postulating the same type of models over and over again; see how there is an explicit emphasis on the "dynamic" rather than the "object"; there is also this "conversion" thing: if well understood, that could shed a lot of light on a whole aspect of male cross-dreamer. About what are the subtle ways in which gay and straight guys are perceived to differ (overall) in terms of how they love and not just what they love and how much truth there is in it. What is gay culture, actually? «I do see part of my identity as male, but not necessarily gay if that makes sense.» (being almost exclusively attracted to men). How does that make sense? There is something there about the way we learn words in the course of life; how categories work in the mind. 

How does it feel growing up like a girl an discovering one has these kinds of feelings. Is there typically the sort of shame and urge to repress many male crossdreamers typically experience? Are imperatives to desire in a certain way internalized differently in female socialization with respect to male socialization?

«the stuff that turns on ftm crossdreamers generally disgusts most straight men »
« because it's rare to find a heterosexual man that doesn't try to shun the things they're looking for/attracted to »
« uncomfortable with my female role and don't relate much to other women »
« take me as a sort of a different kind of man » - which means they

What was behind sentences like this? We'll never know. Now these people are gone forever. 

Bah, I don't know.  
I didn't break the words! I am the words!!
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