Zooming through the trees of Endor, Sir Ixtren of Mandalore and his trusty Squire Jagged Fel were riding ever closer to the end of another adventurous journey.
Ixtren spun upside down on his broomstick just as Jag yelled out. "Never fear Jagged, I saw that one coming a mile away. These Mandalorian helmets have top of the line-"
Ixtren flew off his broom and careened through the air, his fancy Mandalorian armor slamming into a thick set tree.
Jagged slowed his broom down to a crawl and floated over to his master. "You were saying?"
Ixtren got up very slowly, tossing off several small fern branches. "Point taken." Ixtren groaned as he rubbed the top of his helmet. "Uh, help me find my broom."
"Accio Broom!" Jag yelled out.
Ixtren looked at his squire and took off his helmet, his face one of confusion. "What in the stars are you doing? You're not Force sensitive."
Jag laughed as the broom dislodged itself from under a rock and flew into his hand. "Don't be silly. It's not the Force, these things are voice programmed so they can return to the owner. Didn't you read the manual?"
"Uh, no. You're the vehicle nut. I leave that to you."
"Suit yourself." Jag handed the broom over. "Come on, I think we're almost there."
And sure enough, two more clicks and they were at their destination. Before them was a twisted and mangled tree of the darkest shade of brown. It's thick, low branches sprouted out in all directions. Yet near the base, in one small bare spot of bark was an ancient looking face seemingly carved into the tree itself.
Seeing this, Ixtren cautiously approached the tree. "Oh Great Tree of Ye-Who-Cannot-Be-Named, we have come to seek the Goblet of Fire."
The face etched into the tree peeled back from the bark like a thick, fleshy hide, revealing two large set mahogany eyes and a set of crooked, yellowed teeth.
"You have been misinformed. There is no Goblet of Fire." Spoke the tree in a deep, crackly voice.
"But that cannot be, the stories, the legends, they all speak of the goblet? And you, you are a part of the quest? Surely if you are real, then the goblet must be real too?"
The tree's face was set in a deep, gloomy frown. It's eyes narrowed and suspicious. "The Goblet of Fire did exist." The tree corrected. "And the goblet still exists. But there is no longer a Goblet of Fire."
Ixtren's face was screwed up as he tried to sort through the trees gibberish. "So what is the Goblet of Fire now?"
At this, the tree smiled. "Ever since Godric the Gorgeful found the goblet, it has been known as the Goblet of Slime."
"Gorgeful...slime...was he a Hutt?"
The tree's eyes opened carefully and peered over at Ixtren. "You must know these creatures. Giant, slimy talking slugs. I nearly vomited when I saw him. Such a slovenly excuse for a knight. I'm surprised he could even find armor to fit him."
"So..." Ixtren continued, "Where is the Goblet of Slime?"
"It is not far from here, at the foot of the speaking mountain. A tribe of vicious Ewoks guard it, bewitched by an ancient magic."
Ixtren looked back at Jag. "Well, looks like we got what we needed." He turned and bowed to the tree. "We thank you oh great tree of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."
It wasn't hard to find the speaking mountain that the tree had mentioned for as of the moment, it was singing.
"Well this must be the place." Jag waved a hand at the rock huts and a long, winding path that led up the mountain.
Ixtren nodded. "Be careful. These Ewoks may try to ambush us."
The two adventurers walked slowly into the midst of the village, waiting for the inevitable attack. Just as they approached the tribal fire pit in the center of the village, Ewok warriors sprung up out of concealed pits, hidden in the ground. Others swung in from the trees on vines and more still poured out of the stone huts with spears in hand.
Unphased, the Great Ixtren of Mandalore braved courageously into the onslaught, slaying dozens of Ewoks with each swing, tirelessly cutting down the terrible horde until none were left alive!
"You got to be kidding me." Jagged spoke aloud. "Godmodder! I call godmodder!"
Ixtren froze above the bloody corpses of the Ewoks, a beskad in one hand, a blaster in the other. "Godmodding? These are Ewoks, what did you expect? Ewoks can't beat a Mandalorian in real beskar'gam."
Jag shook his head. "Not even fifty Ewoks? Come on...they took out an entire battalion of Imperial soldiers during Return of the Jedi, including AT-ST's."
"But the beskar'gam? It makes me impervious to these...these...these primitive weapons." He stammered.
Jag crossed his arms. "If you're so impervious, then how can you move?"
Ixtren swallowed. "Well...the joints...they're armored too! Flexible armorweave...stuff...very exotic-errr-advanced. That famous Mando scientist designed it...just for the Mandalore."
And just then, a towering gorax stomped into the village, obviously attracted by the lake of blood now soaked into the ground and fumigating the air with scent of freshly slaughtered Ewoks.
"Well if that's perfectly fine with you, then you won't mind this." Jag flew into the air on his broom and soared straight into one of the giant's eyes.
The great beast roared in pain as it rubbed its injured eyeball, but Jag simply flew around in circles, avoided its clumsy swats and swipes.
"Watch this." Jag reached into his squire robes and pulled out what looked to be a short twig. "Ava Kedavra!"
A green beam of light shot out of the twig and into the giant gorax. The mighty beast fell to the ground and shook the entire village as its tremendous weight collapsed.
With a flourish, Jag soured back to the ground with a smug look on his face, casually twirling the twig between his fingers.
"And just what is that?" Ixtren pointed at the twig. "A blastech covert death ray?"
"No, it's a wand."
"Yeah, like what wizards have."
"Wizards? You do realize this is Star Wars?"
Jag nodded. "Sure I do. A place where people use an invisible power to move objects, shoot lightning out of their hands, and create shields to protect themselves, and don't forget mind control." He waved the hand as if to illustrate his point. "Plus there's the Sorcerers of Tund. Sorcerer, wizard, same thing."
"So you just godmodded wizards into Star Wars?"
"Touche." Ixtren gave a mock bow and sweep of his arm. "Now that we are done showing off, let's find this Goblet of Slime."
"Accio Goblet of Slime!" Jag called out.
A large, golden goblet flew out of a stone hut and into Jag's outreached hand.
Ixtren shook his head. "Fine fine fine. Take the easy route. But it would have been more fun to solve some ancient riddle and traverse an underground maze to find it."
"Maybe." Jag admitted. "So, do you want to be the first to drink from it?"
Ixtren took hold of the goblet and looked inside. "It's covered in slime!"
Jag took a peak. "Gross."
Ixtren tossed the cup down. "I think I'll pass. Come Jagged, let us find a more worthy object for a quest. Ever hear of the Mirror of Erised?"
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Sir Ixtren and the Goblet of Slime
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