The Vaudeville Show - Jokes, Silly Songs, & Fun

Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

September 5th, 2012, 2:37 pm #1

Why did the chicken cross the road? So Chick Fil A could be crucifried.
I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

September 5th, 2012, 3:27 pm #2

Hopefully this never happens here

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 3:27 pm

September 5th, 2012, 4:02 pm #3

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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

September 5th, 2012, 6:11 pm #4

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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

September 6th, 2012, 10:40 am #5

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

September 6th, 2012, 10:46 am #6

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'
Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

September 6th, 2012, 10:48 am #7

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"
And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."
So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.
She opened the door and said, "What do you want?"
The man looked her up and down and answered, "I'm here to put up your new blinds."
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

September 7th, 2012, 1:28 pm #8

Marilyn apparently kept quite a sense of humor even toward the last.

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

September 10th, 2012, 4:27 pm #9

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Joined: August 29th, 2012, 6:15 pm

September 10th, 2012, 5:53 pm #10

I don't know who this Kevin guy is that she is hopoing for a full recovery, but that song really will do nothing but send him right back into a coma I fear...

and is that a taped nose to make a snout?

goodness
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SECfan
SECfan

September 10th, 2012, 6:10 pm #11

She should listen to this advice:

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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

September 10th, 2012, 6:21 pm #12

Knowing that she is from Arkansas makes it sort of, yeah, what else is new?
Tyler and Kevin need to run, run fast, as soon as they are able.
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SECfan
SECfan

September 10th, 2012, 6:40 pm #13

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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

September 13th, 2012, 6:29 am #14

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..'
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon'.
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 6:21 pm

September 13th, 2012, 6:02 pm #15

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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

September 15th, 2012, 8:40 am #16

Caption the picture time!

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

September 15th, 2012, 3:33 pm #17

Tailgating at Walmarts.
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Joined: August 29th, 2012, 6:15 pm

September 15th, 2012, 9:20 pm #18

The Mothership wrote:Tailgating at Walmarts.
basically that is the winner. :lol:
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 9:39 am

September 18th, 2012, 12:52 pm #19

Fayetteville Mass Transit Authority
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Joined: August 30th, 2012, 2:29 pm

September 18th, 2012, 6:52 pm #20

Roll Tide!
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SECfan
SECfan

September 19th, 2012, 5:01 pm #21

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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

September 24th, 2012, 8:07 am #22

Updated: 6:33 AM Sep 23, 2012
Woman missing bottom row of teeth following gameday fight
St. Joseph County, Ind.
Police are investigating a fight and possible hit and run in St. Joseph County, near the Notre Dame campus.
Posted: 10:36 PM Sep 22, 2012
Email Address: newscenter16@wndu.com


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Police are investigating a fight and possible hit and run in St. Joseph County, just east of the Notre Dame campus.

St. Joseph County Police received a call around 9 p.m. for a fight at the corner of Willis St. and Bulla Rd. Once on the scene, officers found a man lying in the road and another man standing next to him.

The man on the ground had severe facial and upper body wounds. According to police, both men said they were hit by a car, but police have not confirmed that. Investigators say it's possible that is a story to cover-up a fight.

While police were talking to the men, a woman approached officers and said she'd been hit in the face with a case of Natural Light Beer. The woman had very visible wounds, most profound, her entire bottom row of teeth were missing.

Police stopped a Chevy Suburban later in the evening, believing it to be connected to the incident. Sheriff Mike Grzegorek says the car's driver had a lengthy criminal record in addition to alcohol, and possibly drugs stashed inside his car. The driver was arrested on the scene. Police have yet to release his name.

Making matters all the more confusing, a second suspect ran into a house along Bulla Rd. When officers knocked on the door, the suspect answered and threatened a deputy and his K-9 dog. He then shut the door in the officer's face. Police said the suspect fled on foot before they could secure the home and is still at large.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

September 24th, 2012, 8:35 am #23

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...and you finish off as an orgasm. - George Carlin
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 9:39 am

September 25th, 2012, 11:20 am #24

The Mothership wrote:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...and you finish off as an orgasm. - George Carlin
Carlin was genius.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

September 25th, 2012, 11:52 am #25

Could you imagine smoking a joint with Carlin and Richard Pryor?
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 9:39 am

September 25th, 2012, 11:56 am #26

The Mothership wrote:Could you imagine smoking a joint with Carlin and Richard Pryor?
Biblical.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

September 28th, 2012, 6:44 am #27

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

September 28th, 2012, 6:45 am #28

A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders, "Where is God?" The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond. "Okay, Mary, Where is God?"
"He is everywhere,"
"Very good that’s right."
But still there were two children that didn’t put their hands down, so the teacher continued.
"Okay, Michael, Where is God?"
"God is inside me."
"Very good that’s right."
Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand. He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.
"Okay, Danny, Where is God?"
"He’s in our bathroom."
Well the teacher just had to ask, "How do you know he’s in the bathroom?"
The answer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says, ‘My God are you still in there?’ "
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 11:33 am

October 2nd, 2012, 6:08 pm #29

I'm not a gynecologist............ But I'll take a look.
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

October 3rd, 2012, 6:31 pm #30

I may have to make this my avatar one day

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

October 4th, 2012, 6:35 am #31

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

October 4th, 2012, 6:38 am #32

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

October 4th, 2012, 6:38 am #33

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
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Joined: August 29th, 2012, 6:15 pm

October 5th, 2012, 12:30 pm #34

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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

October 7th, 2012, 3:59 am #35

One day a man decided to retire...



He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.



After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you
come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made
the boat out of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that
to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a
cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"



Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of
gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,"We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


"You've built a Golf Course?"
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

October 11th, 2012, 5:52 am #36

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bill, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said... "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bill replied.
She ran out of the room.
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

October 15th, 2012, 9:01 am #37

Hmmmm - - - Not a bad one to frame and put on an office desk.


I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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SECfan
SECfan

October 15th, 2012, 1:34 pm #38

Tress in his new job

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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

October 16th, 2012, 5:01 am #39

He'll be training Dooley next year.
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SECfan
SECfan

October 16th, 2012, 5:16 am #40

The Mothership wrote:He'll be training Dooley next year.
:lol: :lol:
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

October 16th, 2012, 5:26 am #41

Dooley will be running hard next year
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

October 16th, 2012, 5:35 am #42

Is the Buckeye's defense in there?
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

October 16th, 2012, 6:03 am #43

That would be a fraud case.
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Joined: August 29th, 2012, 6:15 pm

October 16th, 2012, 6:25 am #44

Good advice....

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SECfan
SECfan

October 16th, 2012, 6:47 am #45

Considering how much it cost to raise a kid these days I think you save a lot more than 600 bucks.
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

October 17th, 2012, 4:56 pm #46

Count the number of things wrong with this story
A 31-year-old Birmingham man told police he went for a walk in the 8600 block of 9th Court South Tuesday at 1 a.m. because he couldn't sleep. The man told police someone put something to his back and robbed him of his wallet and 243 Xanax pills. Asked why he had so many pills on him, the man told police that when he leaves them at home "his dogs steal them," the report stated
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SECfan
SECfan

October 18th, 2012, 5:29 am #47

creekdweller wrote:Count the number of things wrong with this story
A 31-year-old Birmingham man told police he went for a walk in the 8600 block of 9th Court South Tuesday at 1 a.m. because he couldn't sleep. The man told police someone put something to his back and robbed him of his wallet and 243 Xanax pills. Asked why he had so many pills on him, the man told police that when he leaves them at home "his dogs steal them," the report stated
I had a patient once call for an early refill of her percocet. I asked her what happened to them and she stated her dog ate them. Of course my next question was how the dog was to which she replied he was fine. I fired her from the practice. No dog could inject the equivalent of 9 grams of oxycodone and live to tell the tale.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

October 18th, 2012, 12:23 pm #48

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest.
"I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

October 18th, 2012, 12:25 pm #49

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-ass student (Merritt?) pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with, "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

October 26th, 2012, 11:03 am #50

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."
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