The Vaudeville Show - Jokes, Silly Songs, & Fun

Joined: September 4th, 2012, 1:50 pm

November 5th, 2012, 11:13 am #51

QUESTION: Why did the blonde have lipstick on her steering wheel?


ANSWER: She tried to blow the horn .
Alabama: Heart of the South
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

November 8th, 2012, 10:39 am #52

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force-trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her anus."
Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Verne: "That was my mulligan."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

November 8th, 2012, 10:40 am #53

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave, and got your hair cut, you'd look pretty good."
I thought about what she'd said for a moment and then replied, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

November 8th, 2012, 10:42 am #54

Don't blame me, I'm just the messanger!

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
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Joined: August 29th, 2012, 6:49 pm

November 8th, 2012, 11:03 am #55

The Mothership wrote:Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force-trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her anus."
Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Verne: "That was my mulligan."
:lol:
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

November 9th, 2012, 10:23 pm #56

Fun things for nerds to do to their dogs.

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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SECfan
SECfan

November 10th, 2012, 6:45 am #57

Ah yes the Bud light warp drive. Just like Dilithium crystals bud light does not interact with anti-matter.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

November 12th, 2012, 9:19 am #58

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful Doctors, Businessmen and Lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
Love, Mama
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SECfan
SECfan

November 13th, 2012, 4:00 pm #59

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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

November 14th, 2012, 5:06 am #60

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: "A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
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SECfan
SECfan

November 15th, 2012, 4:09 am #61

You guys know Petraus is in the new Treyark video game release (true story). I checked out the game yesterday at best buy and maybe they took too much advice from the General:

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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

November 15th, 2012, 5:22 am #62

Can't you be Court-Marshaled for making fun of a superior officer? (I won't tell, Fan.)
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SECfan
SECfan

November 15th, 2012, 6:13 am #63

The Mothership wrote:Can't you be Court-Marshaled for making fun of a superior officer? (I won't tell, Fan.)
He has resigned so he no longer is my commanding officer, but I should lay it low.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

November 15th, 2012, 6:43 am #64

:lol:
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

November 28th, 2012, 1:15 pm #65

Beware of angry frogs.

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

December 3rd, 2012, 8:35 pm #66

The difference between dogs and cats.

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: August 29th, 2012, 6:15 pm

December 7th, 2012, 4:30 am #67

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked

her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said,


"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,

and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...

"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and

the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving

his testicles.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

December 7th, 2012, 10:41 am #68

For SECFan:

I went to see the doctor today. He told me I need to stop masturbating. When I asked him why, he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you!”
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

December 7th, 2012, 10:41 am #69

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

December 7th, 2012, 10:41 am #70

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over", he said.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

December 7th, 2012, 10:42 am #71

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

December 7th, 2012, 10:43 am #72

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Presbyterian church, the Lutheran Church."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupted to query, "What's a church?"
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

December 7th, 2012, 10:44 am #73

A new state trooper is on his first solo day after finishing his training at the academy. He’s hoping nothing much happens but right away he gets a call about a bad crash on a remote stretch of highway. He gets to the scene and sees it’s really bad, with dead bodies and car parts scattered all over. With no hope of survivors he tries to think what he should do and remembers that it’s very important to make detailed notes of the scene. He gets out his notebook and begins, grimacing as he sees a leg and writes, “leg in ditch”. Next he sees an arm and notes “arm in ditch”. Looking around he sees a head on the roadway and writes, “head on boolevard”. Known it’s spelled wrong he erases that and tries “head on bullevard”. Again, he knows it’s wrong and is frustrated, so he looks around, sees no one there yet. He gives a little kick then writes “Head in ditch“.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

December 7th, 2012, 10:44 am #74

A woman walks into a sex toy store and asks where the vibrators are.
"Come this way," the cute woman behind the counter says, gesturing with her finger.
The woman responds, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the vibrator!"
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

December 11th, 2012, 4:51 pm #75

Merry Christmas :D

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

December 12th, 2012, 9:48 pm #76

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

December 13th, 2012, 10:22 pm #77

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

December 19th, 2012, 8:58 am #78

Especially for Mothership...

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

December 19th, 2012, 10:03 am #79

I don't see the difference.
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SECfan
SECfan

December 19th, 2012, 10:08 am #80

The Mothership wrote:I don't see the difference.
He just has a bad motivator.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

December 19th, 2012, 10:13 am #81

Me or the droid?
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SECfan
SECfan

December 19th, 2012, 10:15 am #82

The droid, but it is even funnier to apply to you.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

December 19th, 2012, 10:19 am #83

:lol:
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

December 19th, 2012, 7:04 pm #84

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never taken a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

December 23rd, 2012, 1:22 pm #85

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

December 23rd, 2012, 5:47 pm #86

I knew it!
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

January 6th, 2013, 6:00 am #87

The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow
up. It was Little Johnny's turn.

Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, and go to expensive clubs. Find a bitch
there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas. Get her a Ferrari. Buy
her a beach house in Miami, a private jet, get her expensive jewelry, and
have sex with her 3 times a day."

The teacher was at a loss for words and didn't know what to do, so she just
proceeded along and asked Little Susie what she wanted to be.

Susie replied: "Johnny's bitch!!
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

January 11th, 2013, 6:11 am #88

Wyoming - Another reason I love it!


I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

January 16th, 2013, 8:04 am #89

I didn't know where else to put this pic. I didn't want to ruin Basc's and OBG's nature threads. Anyone got a caption for this?

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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

January 16th, 2013, 8:45 am #90

Out-take from "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers".
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

January 16th, 2013, 8:45 am #91

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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

January 16th, 2013, 2:25 pm #92

The Mothership wrote:I didn't know where else to put this pic. I didn't want to ruin Basc's and OBG's nature threads. Anyone got a caption for this?

Chiz? What's up?
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

January 16th, 2013, 5:28 pm #93

Damn, creek! Luckily, I wasn't drinking anything.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

January 24th, 2013, 5:31 am #94

Picture , if you can , a room full of pregnant women with their husbands.
A nurse says, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself; make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're both in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Nurse.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

February 3rd, 2013, 4:49 am #95

This maybe doesn't qualify as funny, but it is definitely oh shit.
http://youtu.be/S8GUYRRjJLE
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 6:25 am

February 5th, 2013, 6:45 am #96

been around a lot but still insightful. and i started to put it on the political thread but thought better.



The Wonder of it All:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.



THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles.
HOTTY TODDY!
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

February 14th, 2013, 12:17 pm #97

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, thats a bunch of crap. There is no such thing as mixed emotions. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She thought about it for a second and said, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

February 14th, 2013, 12:18 pm #98

A woman was taking a nap on Valentine’s Day afternoon. After she awoke, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous and expensive diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day! What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening, her husband came home with a small package for her. Thrilled, she opened it and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

February 14th, 2013, 12:19 pm #99

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when all of a sudden a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen.
To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns and says to her young kids "My that was a big insect!"
The two kids sat there for a moment before her 7-year-old son replied "Man, I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big!"
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

February 14th, 2013, 12:21 pm #100

A cowboy and his bride walk into a hotel and ask the hotel clerk for a room, telling him that they just got married that morning. "Congratulations," say the clerk. Looking at the cowboy he asks , "So I assume you'd like the Bridal then?" "No thanks," replies the cowboy, "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."
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