The Vaudeville Show - Jokes, Silly Songs, & Fun

SECfan
SECfan

February 21st, 2013, 1:13 pm #101

Q: What does the Tennessee football team and a sand castle both have in common?

A: They both look good until the Tide Rolls in (enjoy it while you can Creek)
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

February 21st, 2013, 5:23 pm #102

I've got a little while yet, but believe me, I can't forget how quickly things can change.

I heard the joke a little differently though:

What do a Vol football uniform and sand have in common?

They are both great for covering turds
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

February 21st, 2013, 6:47 pm #103

Unpretentiousil Medicine Commercial To Heal Hipster
http://youtu.be/GexI4b0iH50
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

February 26th, 2013, 4:57 pm #104

Obscure Engineering Conversion Factors
>
> 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
>
> 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
>
> 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
>
> 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
> bananosecond
>
> 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
>
> 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
> Knotfurlong
>
> 7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
>
> 8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
>
> 9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
>
>
>
> 10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
>
> 11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
>
> 12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
>
> 13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
>
> 14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
>
> 15. 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen
>
> 16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

February 27th, 2013, 10:51 am #105

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A football coach?"
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

February 27th, 2013, 10:52 am #106

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer.
Suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife. She ain't spoke to me in over two months!"
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over, Bubba. Women like that are hard to find."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

February 27th, 2013, 10:54 am #107

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I put good money down."
Larry, looking worried said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 6:25 am

March 6th, 2013, 5:49 am #108

can't figure out where to post this and don't want to create another thread, sooo,
enjoy.

HOTTY TODDY!
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 6:25 am

March 15th, 2013, 6:35 am #109

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they heard a voice call from behind a sand-dune say, "One Marine is better than ten Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sent 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle broke
out and continued for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then called out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."

Furious,the Taliban commander sent his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commenced.After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Marine voice called out again, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."

The enraged Taliban commander mustered a thousand fighters and sent them over the dune.Cannon,rocket,and machine gun fire rang out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawled back over the dune and with his dying words told his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two Marines."
HOTTY TODDY!
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SECfan
SECfan

March 15th, 2013, 4:15 pm #110

I think you meant to put Army Rangers. :lol:
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

March 19th, 2013, 10:36 am #111

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.
"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.
"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?"
The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

March 19th, 2013, 10:39 am #112

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck . Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy , I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want It," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy , then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch that pushed me in the pool!"
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

March 20th, 2013, 4:32 pm #113

So many ways to take this. So, so wrong!

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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SECfan
SECfan

March 20th, 2013, 6:55 pm #114

A black girl I dated in college called me a tasty ass cracker and I took it as a compliment. :D
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

March 27th, 2013, 2:13 pm #115

One from my boss....


The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


The Geography of a Man

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran...

ruled by nuts.
I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

March 27th, 2013, 7:10 pm #116

A great tip at this time of year...

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: February 8th, 2013, 9:44 am

April 2nd, 2013, 10:52 am #117

two fall out on Montana roller coaster ride

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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

April 4th, 2013, 10:21 am #118

Two leprechauns walk up to the door of a convent. The first leprechaun knocks on the door and it is answered by the Mother Superior.
First leprechaun says, “So tell me then, do you have any little tiny nuns in there?”
Mother Superior answers, “No we don’t have any here.”
The first leprechaun then asks, “Are you sure you don’t have any wee small nuns in there?”
Mother Superior again answers, “No we don’t have any here. In fact there is none your size anywhere in the world!”
The first leprechaun turns to the second leprechaun smiling and says, “See, I told you that you fucked a penguin.”
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

April 5th, 2013, 1:59 pm #119

Read the user comments. Take a deep breath first.

Banana Slicer!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0047E ... geek03b-20
I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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SECfan
SECfan

April 5th, 2013, 3:28 pm #120

Vespula wrote:Read the user comments. Take a deep breath first.

Banana Slicer!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0047E ... geek03b-20
I am crying. That is one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time. Did you see the chainsaw comment. :lol: :lol:
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

April 8th, 2013, 6:42 am #121

Spelling: It's Really Important!

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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SECfan
SECfan

April 8th, 2013, 8:51 am #122

It is not a misspelling it is just our old friends BOC new occupation.
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SECfan
SECfan

April 9th, 2013, 11:12 am #123

This is pretty funny.
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

April 9th, 2013, 12:29 pm #124

Yeah, I'm on the floor laughing.
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SECfan
SECfan

April 9th, 2013, 1:09 pm #125

Shoot. I can't get it to upload. It is just a picture of kim sung whatever standing in a bunker surrounded by Apache Helicopters and the soldier next to him has a sign that says "I'm with stupid."
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

April 9th, 2013, 3:08 pm #126

I briefly saw or heard something about him appearing in a production of Grease?
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SECfan
SECfan

April 9th, 2013, 3:46 pm #127

Hopefully we are not overconfident but I have talked to a number of vets who have spent time on the DMZ and they think it won't take long to knock North Korea back to the stone age. They do have a big army though.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

April 12th, 2013, 7:50 am #128

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”
The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”
The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”
The third old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”
The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”
The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”
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SECfan
SECfan

April 12th, 2013, 7:57 am #129

LMAO.

True story, in high school my friends and I always played by "Gentleman's rules." For anyone who does not know for us it basically meant if you did not hit the ball past the ladies tee you had to drop your pants. Most of us left our undies on, of course, but one of friends would go bare ass for the world to see. We weren't very mature mind you. Anyway, my buddy duffs a ball, drops his pants, just about the time the young girl with the beverage cart comes around the corner. She told the Ranger who not only kicked us off the course but was threatening to have my friend arrested for indecent exposure. Actually, now that I am retelling this story it is not funny at all, I getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach I had that day. :?
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

April 12th, 2013, 8:22 am #130

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.
His wife screams at him, "my hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him around for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married...."
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Joined: August 29th, 2012, 6:15 pm

April 16th, 2013, 11:15 pm #131

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

May 2nd, 2013, 10:06 am #132

A man goes to a golf pro for some advice.
"Well, what should I do?" asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson. The next day, the wife went for her lesson.
The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asked the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

May 2nd, 2013, 10:06 am #133

Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

May 2nd, 2013, 10:07 am #134

A man goes into a bar and drinks some ale. After every pint he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the 4th pint the bartender asks him why after every pint he pulls the picture out and looks at it. Then the man says, "It's a picture of my wife.When she looks good to me I'm going home."
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

May 8th, 2013, 10:23 pm #135

Too bad I can't post this whole article here. It's so bizarre!

http://twistedsifter.com/2012/04/adding ... paintings/
I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: December 28th, 2012, 3:23 pm

May 24th, 2013, 12:36 pm #136

SECfan wrote:
Vespula wrote:Read the user comments. Take a deep breath first.

Banana Slicer!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0047E ... geek03b-20
I am crying. That is one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time. Did you see the chainsaw comment. :lol: :lol:

Taht guy is priceless!!!! SW3K

I am at work and I had to stop or loose my damn job!
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

May 30th, 2013, 2:39 pm #137

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

June 5th, 2013, 12:19 pm #138

Went to Schlotsky's for lunch. Had the Albuquerque sandwich. It fell apart from the first bite. It was really Breaking Bad.



(I must have been channeling Rodney Dangerfield.)
I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

June 7th, 2013, 12:49 pm #139

Drones in your neighborhood!!

Delivering pizza??

http://youtu.be/on4DRTUvst0
I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

June 9th, 2013, 1:22 pm #140

For Gators and those who know them here.

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

June 13th, 2013, 12:10 pm #141

These are for Ves:

A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks: "Can I help you with your luggage?"
The photon replies "I don't have any. I'm traveling light."

An infectous disease walks into a bar. The bartender says : "We don't serve your kind in here."
The disease replies "Well, you're not a very good host."

A policeman pulls over Werner Heisenberg and asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."

The same policeman pulls over Erwin Schrödinger. The cop searches the car and says: "Do you know you have a dead cat in here?"
Schrödinger replies "Well, I do now."
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 10:32 am

June 14th, 2013, 6:42 am #142

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

June 24th, 2013, 9:44 pm #143

I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

June 25th, 2013, 7:15 pm #144

There are now pork-laced bullets, in case shooting and killing someone just isn't enough: It's called Jihawg Ammo, and it's just as ridiculous as the name suggests.

An Idaho couple has figured out how to add pork products to paint used on ammunition. The goal is to deter Islamic terrorism, according to the couple.

Apparently, pork products are to Islamic terrorists as garlic is to vampires.

The product's tagline?

"With Jihawg Ammo, you don't just kill an Islamist terrorist, you also send him to hell."

Really.

Another tagline?

"It's time to put some HAM in MoHAMed."

Also really.

The ammunition is sold in 9mm, .40, .45, .308 and .223 varieties.
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Joined: September 5th, 2012, 5:26 pm

June 29th, 2013, 1:09 am #145

Probably Boise St fans
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

July 1st, 2013, 10:21 am #146

No sense of humor at McDonald's and apparently it is OK to lick caramel off of titties, but against the law to have caramel on said titties in West VA
Bizarre incident at McDonald’s drive-thru leads to woman being charged
June 29, 2013
By Edward Marshall (emarshall@journal-news.net) , journal-news.net
Save |
MARTINSBURG - A bizarre incident at a McDonald's drive-thru in Martinsburg involving a bare-breasted woman and caramel led to the woman being arraigned Friday on warrants charging her with indecent exposure and providing false information to a police officer.

Sarah Lee Linaburg, 32, of Evans Run Drive, Martinsburg, was later released from custody after posting $6,000 bail.

According to court records, at about 12:06 a.m. April 27, the West Virginia State Police responded to the McDonald's on Apple Harvest Drive after an employee of the fast food restaurant called 911 and asked to speak with law enforcement about an incident that occurred at the drive-thru window.

The employee told police that while working at the drive-thru window, a man driving a purple Chrysler 300 pulled up to the window and ordered food.

After paying for the food, the man asked the employee for an extra cup of caramel for his coffee. When she handed the driver a cup of caramel, a woman in the vehicle's passenger seat took her shirt off while the driver put the caramel on her chest, records show.

The driver allegedly licked the caramel off her before driving away, records show.

The employee provided police with the vehicle's license plate number, and a trooper reviewed surveillance video footage of the drive-thru. Police couldn't identify the driver and the surveillance video footage didn't capture what occurred in the vehicle, records show.

The address listed on the vehicle's registration was traced back to Linaburg's home.

The next morning, troopers saw a purple Chrysler 300 in the driveway of the residence. The license plate number matched the one provided to police by the McDonald's employee, records show.

Linaburg told police the car was hers, but claimed she was at home sleeping when the alleged incident occurred. Police obtained a picture of her and returned to the McDonald's, where the employee who reported the incident identified the woman in the photo as the same woman she saw at the drive-thru window the previous night.
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Joined: August 29th, 2012, 6:15 pm

July 1st, 2013, 12:46 pm #147

At least she was smart enough to stay away from the hot fudge. that stuff can BURN....

I mean so i have heard....
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SECfan
SECfan

July 2nd, 2013, 5:54 am #148

That has to be the worst bucket list in the world. "have sex in a Mcdonald's drive through, check!"
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Joined: August 18th, 2012, 8:51 am

July 8th, 2013, 12:22 pm #149

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, Come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to... get a drink from the river. Once at the river, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the water. A Crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the side; then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey!" The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! How much water did you drink?!"
I don’t know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads. - Yogi Berra
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Joined: September 4th, 2012, 7:16 pm

July 17th, 2013, 4:12 pm #150

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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