British Asylum Wrestling presents
From South Craven School, Crosshills!
Wednesday, May 29th, 2013
We open up seeing the BAW logo with Motörhead’s “Asylum Choir” playing out when our cameras pan ringside around the gym hall in South Craven School. There are 274 in attendance, mainly teenagers, and of course Rainbow & Jeeves at ringside, with Jeeves looking masterful as ever, and Rainbow being her usual garish and slutty self!
Rainbow: OH MY GOD IT’S ASYLUM FUCKING SIX! And... unfortunately my offers of sexual favours in return for a new broadcast partner have been turned down so far, so I’m still here with Jeeves.
Jeeves: ....Excuse me?
Rainbow: ...Um... HI JEEVES!
Jeeves: Thank bloody christ you didn’t offer me any.
Rainbow: Why scared you’d cave in and get Christelle mad?
Jeeves: Deary me no, I’d just hate to see you cry on live transmission.
Rainbow: Why would I cry? Have you got a small willy, Jeeves?
Jeeves: I am not the type to brag about my personal endowment but I have been called Bull of Blackpool, of course I meant that turning you down would burst you to tears.
She sniffles a bit.
Rainbow: Yeah..like anyone..would cry over something like a huge pulsing--
Jeeves: What do you think about tonight’s matches?
Rainbow: SHOW!!! I think all the good people will win, and all the Mexicans will lose!!! And Cara will show up and be a super amazing champion! And Combat Rawk will be the best team EVER! And Terry Roberts’ partner will suck! And--
Jeeves: Do you even know who his partner is? Because I am sure the fans would love to know
Rainbow: Oh like it fucking matters anyway! There isn’t enough paleontologists in the world to find him a fossil that could fake being a wrestler, or if there is CCM would never approve of such lavish misuse of the company funds.
Jeeves: You do realize that tonight may just be our sixth show yet but so far we are having the biggest crowd attendance we have ever had, if this is the trend things are certainly looking up for BAW
Rainbow: Wow you think we will actually get paid something close to the minimum wage in European Standards if that keeps up?
Jeeves: I doubt we will never do THAT well to be honest and..
He watches at the camera filming, gulps loudly fixing his collars.
Jeeves:..AND WHO WOULD WANT TO BE PAID because obviously a great job like this is something you’d be lucky enough to do for free!
Rainbow: SHUT UP! DON’T GIVE HIM IDEAS!!!
Jeeves: Damnit... get the first match on! QUICKLY!!!
Stingray: Alright, this openin’ blue is scheduled for one fall!
Dream A Dream by Captain Jack begins to blast across all the speakers. Brittany emerges on the ramp and begins to break out moves like she is playing a DDR video game… She has absolutely no rhythm of course… The crowd cheers loudly and she smiles as she does a Cartwheel, after Cartwheel, after cartwheel all the way to the ring. She slides inside and finds herself really tired as she practically passes out on the mat… The referee helps her up and Brittany gives the thumbs up to the roaring sound of the crowd.
Stingray: Alright! Brittany looks a little more full of beans today! Come on love, you can do it! Ladies & Gentlemen... BRITTANY WILLIAMS!
Rainbow: Go Brittany! Time to beat on a Husky Ruskie... BOOYAH!
Jeeves: You do realize that she has little to no wrestling experience, yes? And that she is going one on one with a no doubt extremely angry, violent and aggressive Mika Demidov, yes?
Rainbow: ...GO FOR A COUNT OUT!!!
"Korobeiniki" hits the sound system and Mika comes from backstage with her usual golden attire, but she just powerwalk down the ramp and into the ring. She doesn’t even wave or acknowledge the crowd this time as she’s just steaming pissed.
Stingray: And her opponent! From Russia, she is--
Mika smacks Stingray in the chest and tells him to shut the hell up.
Jeeves: Mika apparently not in the mood for Steve’s colourful announcing tonight.
Rainbow: BOO! What a sourpuss. Seriously, a cat full of lemon juice. Super sourpuss.
Jeeves: Well, that’s kinder than what you usually say about Mika.
Rainbow: Yep. Oh, and she’s a fucking cuntbag too.
Jeeves: .... *sighs*
Thomas Harrison explains to the ladies just how clean of a fight he wants, says that he will not tolerate any nonsense and for some reason looks at Mika during this whole little speech with the Red Star just dismisses with a scoff, while Brittany just seems distraught to even being there, we see some sort of commotion up on the rampway.
Jeeves: What’s going on? We were supposed to have a match but apparently not everything is ready yet, isn’t that..
Rainbow: CCM and he’s not alone!
Jeeves: No he’s not, isn’t that...
Rainbow: JAMAL! YOU CAME FOR ME MY HULKING BLACK PRINCE OF...!!
CCM explains something to Jamal who nods standing up on the entranceway with arms across his broad chest, looking rather imposing, CCM grabs a mic from his pocket.
CCM: Brittany, since you have shown a tendency to try and weasel out of your matches as of late, I have made some special arrangements for tonight. I can’t be here for all of your matches, I AM A BUSY MAN DAMN IT, need to get my drink on and such, so my pal Jackson here..
Jamal: My name is Jamal.
CCM: It is? I am sorry. Anyway, Jamal here will be your... manager of sorts. He will ensure you “manage” to stay in the ring. Ehehehe. RING THE BELL!!!
Rainbow: SHE GETS JAMAL? I WANT JAMAL!!!
Jeeves: Well it’s not like they are dating or getting married or..
Rainbow: MARRIED!?! OH NO! JAMAL I CAN CHANGE!
Rainbow: Jamal, baby, honey, boogaloo I swear I’ll do all the crazy Brooklyn Bounces and whatever just please don’t go with her, I PUT OUT AND I AM GREAT!
Jeeves: You know the mic is on right?
Rainbow: OF COURSE I DO MY LOVE NEEDS TO BE HEARD!
Jeeves: Yeah, just meant you don’t have to YELL.
Rainbow: SHUT UP JEEVES THIS IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!
Jeeves: You don’t even know him.
Rainbow: WILL YOU STOP! I LOVE MY CHOCOLATE HULK!
CCM: DAMNIT HARRISON, IGNORE THE LOVESICK LOSER AND RING THE MOTHERFUCKING BELL!!!!
CCM storms to the back as the bell rings, and we get underway.
Eyeing up at her competition Mika circles around Brittany who still doesn’t seem to understand just why is Jamal out there, she does not impress the Russian who just glares at her, slapping her to the back of the head.
Jeeves: Mika trying to get the rookie to pay attention to the match, instead of her manager.
Rainbow: Well being raised in the cold tundra she can’t appreciate the wonders of massive black pecs, stupid commies, Black Russian is one hell of a paradox, smooth chocolate taste yet full of borsch..
Jeeves: That’s not how they make it.
Rainbow: Like you would know, you are not black NOR Russian!
Brittany puts up her dukes, getting a fighting chance which just gets a giggle out of Mika, she is throwing mock punches in the air like it was Rocky IV all over again except this time Ivan Drago has tits and isn’t played by a swede but an actual Russian and Rocky..well is black and better than sly.
Twisting her hip a bit Brittany looks like she was ready to throw a punch, Mika sticks her chin out pointing her to try and hit but instead Williams launches a kick right to the side of her head, knocking the Ruskie back.
Rainbow: What ring presence, what strategy! Brittany Williams has some moves on her, you go girl!
Jeeves: She missed the chin though, that’s more like temple area, tsk tsk.
Mika wobbles back holding her head, she seems to be holding her balance just barely while the crowd erupts to praises for B-Brat’s kick and she smiles, which seems to trigger something dangerous in St. Petersburg native.
Mika: You dirty little Sooka, upstage me will you?!
She takes Williams off her feet with the Thesz press and starts to deliver mounted pounches to her with both hands.
Mika: Who’s laughing now?! Come on Bitch, LAUGH AT ME NOW!
Jeeves: Wow have you seen such pure white hatred from Mika before.
Rainbow: She must be taking that siege awfully hard.
Rainbow: You know, of her hometown, Leningrad.
Jeeves: What?! That ended in 1944 not to mention the fact that the city hasn’t been known as Leningrad since 1991!
Rainbow: Well in Russian years that wasn’t that long ago, those Ruskies are simple minded savages they hate change almost as much as they hate freedom and democracy.
Jeeves: Your hateful rhetoric is really strong today, just threw that out there, do you understand what I mean by that Miss Rainbow.
Rainbow: Clear as vodka as the Russians say!
Harrison has had enough about the punches he checks on Brittany and tells Mika to get off from top of her, which she responds by jumping up and telling that she can take him down just as well if that’s how he wants to play it, obviously there was no part of Miss Demidov that was feeling cheerful tonight and it gave a whole new dangerous element to the match on it’s own. Without actually waiting for B-Brat to get up Mika grabs her by the hair yanking her up to her feet, throwing some slaps across her face.
Mika: Do not pass out on me bitch, I’m not done!
She takes some speed off the ropes while Brittany barely has time to get her surroundings Mika connects with a vicious big boot, rocking Brit down, she holds up her arms while the crowd rains boos and jeers on to her. She flips the bird on them and starts to deliver a stomping on the laid out Brittany.
Jeeves: Well I guess it is fairly safe to say that this has been fairly one sided match so far, Mika Demidov is delivering a DEVASTATING stomping on her opponent and no doubt this is all pent up frustration over her failure to capture the first British Empire Championship on Asylum 5.
Rainbow: No, you think?
Jeeves: Why yes, yes I do.
Rainbow: That’s some clever insight there Jeeves, thought it all by yourself.
Jeeves: Actually, yes I did.
Rainbow: That is some talent you got, how about you reveal some more of shocking knowledge to everyone like that water is wet and maybe while you are it explain to them that 22% of worlds forests are in Russia!
Rainbow: Yes captain obvious, really, I mean EVERYONE knows that!
Jeeves: I didn’t and I don’t know why you would either to be honest.
Rainbow: Know your enemy Jeeves, know your enemy.
Mika is damn near foaming at the mouth by this time, her eyes are fired up with hatred, and it all seems to spell out certain doom for Brittany Williams but Lil Dream machine manages to pull off something that seems to be a knee jerk reaction, looks completely spontaneous reversal wrapping her legs around Mika’s leg and forces the furious female off her balance taking her down, without wasting any time, Brittany kips up, she is on her feet and rushes for the ropes when Jamal starts to walk down to ringside, She realizes there is no way for her to leave through the way she came from, Mika is cussing and roaring getting slowly back to her feet and Brit knows she won’t be going back either, so she climbs to the turnbuckle in corner, looking at both Jamal and Mika in turns.
Jeeves: Brittany Williams is caught, she looks desperate, like the poor girl is trying to figure out which of the two she could manage to take out of the equation.
Slowly Brittany stands up, we see her gulp deep, closing her eyes, going eenie-meenie-miney-mo...
Rainbow: No! Jamal move! I’ll save you!
Jeeves: Will you shut up! The poor girl is in trouble, she doesn’t know which of them to jump.
Rainbow: The choice is easy, GO FOR THE COMMIE BRITTANY! SHE HATES US ALL!
Williams takes flight landing a elbow from the top turnbuckle on to the crown of Mika Demidov’s head.
Jeeves: Good god almighty! Brittany Williams might have just KILLED poor Mika Demidov with that elbow, did you see that, she did that with her eyes closed, like a lucky fluke and it hits right on target.
Rainbow: YUSSSSS! DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD! AND JAMAL’S SAFE!
Jeeves:...I thought the song is about a witch.
Rainbow: Her too.
Brit opens up her eyes to see the crowd chanting her on she seems to be gasping breath in disbelief, feeling up her body realizing she actually survived that and jumps up busting some happy dance moves.
Jeeves: Look at the moves on B-Brat!
Rainbow: Don’t! Just pin her you stupid stupid girl! Dance later!
Mika is laid out, motionless, and Brittany busts some booty popping moves going around the ring for the enjoyment of the fans who welcome her with joy, while their thunderous cheers are going on she can’t focus on her opponent, who opens up her eyes, sits up, and throws daggers at Williams with her eyes, attacking her from behind with a vicious knee to the spine, crumbling Brit in the middle of her dance routine, she shrieks in agony as Mika grabs her in a vice like grip forcing her throat against the middle rope, grabbing the top rope for leverage she leans her full weight against the hurt opponent.
Mika: I’ll kill you bitch! I’ll fucking kill you!
Thomas Harrison rushes to the ropes telling Mika to let go of Brittany.
Jeeves: Mika Demidov was not happy that the rookie is trying to get a name for herself at her expense.
Rainbow: She would be even less happy had she got pinned like I hoped! Let her go you stupid fat ruskie! She’ll die under all that bolshevik blubber!
Harrison tells Mika to break the hold one more time but she just curses him out in Russian, so Thomas starts to count.
Mika refuses to let go and Harrison calls for the bell, which is rung.
Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Crikey that’s one pissed off Ruskie! Winner of this match because of the angry rusky couldn’t follow the rules, with a Disqualification it is..Brittany Williams!
Thomas Harrison yanks Mika off Brittany himself, trying to lecture her on the rules of the match and how Demidov lost because she didn’t break the count, Mika throws her arms up and just hocks a spit at Harrison before walking off while Thomas wipes the loogie off his face the EMT’s show up checking on Williams.
Jeeves: What a unsanctioned display of hatred and frustration we saw here tonight and it was just our first match of the night folks, Mika Demidov was LIVID and she took it all out on her opponent.
Rainbow: That Rabid Ruskie should be put down for this kind of conduct, see it’s because of people like her Josef Stalin lasted so long in power, it’s because of her that Vladimir Putin can do whatever the hell he wants in that country, people like Mika Demidov are the scourge of our fair society!
Jeeves: Well it’s obvious you have no love loss for Mika Demidov but what do you think of Brittany Williams?
Rainbow: Outside the fact that she has the undivided attention of Jamal and I don’t? Well I actually quite like her, shame in a sense if she learned to like the business she could do great here.
Jeeves: Speaking of Jamal, why do you think he did not interfere to help Miss Williams out of that choke moments ago?
Rainbow: Honestly? Because he was dreaming of sweeping me away in his strong loving arms and..
Rainbow: Oh you know nothing, I’m right aren’t I Jamal?
We just see Jamal walking towards backstage without as much as a glance towards Rainbow.
Jeeves: I’d say you are wrong.
Rainbow: He’s just putting up a facade, playing hard to get you know how those black studs are right Jeeves?
Jeeves: Actually..I don’t.
Rainbow: Oh you do! You know like they are so big and buff and macho and deep down they all just want to taste the rainbow.
Jeeves: I quite like Skittles too.
Jeeves: Taste the rainbow, that’s what you meant right?
Rainbow:....Oh! Yeah, thaaat’s what I meant. On with the show then..someone get me a pair of panties. I need to change before the next match.
SEGMENT: Das Buzz
We are backstage South Craven School in Crosshills when a totally new face for the fans, he seems to be functional and dressed with immaculate taste and with a sour look on his face, obviously not happy to be there.
Wagner: Willkommen mein damen und herren for Asylum 6 Mein name is Johan Wagner and at this time, I am privileged to start mein interview career with a man who has made quite the buzz around the volk, Herr Terry Roberts!
Roberts nods to the kraut, dressed in his usual “I refuse to admit I am almost 60 years old and I still think 80’s are the shit” attire of spandex and chains. The Geriatric Gorilla flexes his muscles and speaks up.
Roberts: Quite a buzz? QUITE A BUZZ? Goddammit, back in my day interviewers knew how to use proper superlatives... BROTHER.
Terry leans in to Wagner and measures him up, his impressive walrus moustache wiggling intensely.
Roberts: But you do have a point. What happened at Last Asylum was just a pretaste of what was to come. I mean, back in my day if you had an issue with someone you fought alone. And back in my day if your opponent resorted to outside help... You got some of your own. And that is what Hayley Dark felt last Asylum... Brother.
Johan clears up his throat smoothing over his thin moustache that slicked back blond hair in perfect form.
Wagner: Achtung, there have been questions raised about your possible involvement on the attack towards Hayley Dark, what role did you play in that English floozy’s attack? We never saw the attacker, did you?
A small chuckle emanates from under that moustache as Roberts strokes his chin, trying to look mysterious. And failing miserably.
Roberts: You can say that. Let’s just say that back in my day you knew who to trust. And in this world of modern “wrestling” who else to trust than someone who’s been through the same school as you. Don’t you agree.. brother!
Arching a brow Johan glares towards Roberts like a Gestapo interrogator.
Johan: Was? School..So what do you mean with that Herr Roberts, you are heading in for a tag team match against Hayley Dark and Big Daddy Don Tirri, but hier you are on your own, wo ist deine partner?
Again, Roberts scratches his jaw and grins widely.
Roberts: Well... Let’s just say that back in my day you didn’t reveal your cards before it was the time. This time you aren’t waiting for the third man brother... you are waiting to see what the Old School teaches to its workers. You will find out my dear sauerkraut... when everyone else finds out. Brother!
Roberts won’t even wait for Wagner’s response he storms his way towards the ring while Wagner turns to glare at the camera.
Wagner: There you have it, sie old school legend Herr Terry Roberts is heading zum das ring and he has all the answers for you and I for one believe that you fish and chips gorging tea guzzling cowards are in for a surprise that will kick those bad teeth right down zum your throat, this ist Herr Johan Wagner, your Obersturmführer interviewer signing off.
He clicks his heels together and we move back to ringside
“Who’s your daddy say who’s your daddy!”
The punchline of “Who’s your Daddy” by Lordi blasts of the PA-system and the crowds focus turns to the entranceway. After the opening riff ends, “Big Daddy” Don Tirri walks out through the curtain and starts
making his way down the ramp, slapping the hands of fans as the first verse begins.
Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Go’night mates this blue is a TAG TEAM MATCH! Introducing first he is one half of Drink&Bounce, “Big Daddy” Don Tirri!
“All the vixens stand in line
Waiting for my fright night
Be the new flesh for the sacrifice
Screaming out the mating call
I've become the lord of love!”
When the song reaches its chorus, Tirri slides into the ring and climbs the turnbuckle and points to the crowd to start a sing-along of the chorus.
“Who's your daddy,
say, who's your daddy?
Who puts you in your place?
Who's your daddy,
bitch, who's your daddy?
Surrender and obey, who's your daddy?”
When the chorus ends Tirri walks into the center of the ring and raises both of his hands in the air with his fingers in the “Devil-horn” salute, turning to do it to every side of the ring, then turning to face his opponent.
Jeeves: Look at that! He is sloshed again? When are we going to get some sort of wellness policy in this company?
Rainbow: Never as long as it costs something.
Jeeves: How would you know, did you ask Sir Millar?
Rainbow: Nope, read it from my contract.
Jeeves:...but it’s in GREEK!
Jeeves: You don’t speak Greek do you?!
Rainbow: No, but I READ it fluently!
Jeeves: Surely you don’t..
Rainbow: Sure I do, I met this really hairy musician guy who taught me.
Jeeves: Please spare me any and all details.
Rainbow: He’s a great cook! or at least I hope I hooked up with him because of his cooking and not--
Jeeves: Interesting fact Miss Rainbow did you know that the band that plays Tirri’s song is actually somewhat famous they won the Eurovision Song Contest back in 20th of May 2006..
Rainbow: With a song like this?! That’s some whacky judging going on!
Jeeves: No it was called “Hard Rock Hallelujah” actually.
Rainbow: So a Tirri is a fan of gospel music then eh? Never would have guessed..
Jeeves: It’s not that religious, besides it was the first and only win for FInland in the contest.
Rainbow: Surprised they can win anything living practically in Siberia and so close to those commies, Freedom to the oppressed people of FInland! Fight for your FINNIN’ RIGHT TO BE FREE YOU REINDEER RIDING RASCALS!
Jeeves: ...Oh hey there comes Hayley!
“Who’s Next” by Porcelain Black hits the PA, and Hayley bounds out from behind the curtain, waving manically to the crowd. She dances down the ramp, and dives into the ring. She puts on a dancing clinic in the ring until the music stops.
Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Joining her partner in the ring this sheila is the other half of Drink&Bounce, “The BOING Machine” Hayley Dark!
Jeeves: You have to respect someone like Hayley who obviously had more than her fair share of trouble in life and yet she is full of such joy every time you see her.
Rainbow: Looking how much she bounces around I wouldn’t be surprise if she was just spring loaded! I do like the work those two do together though, regular Odd Couple if I ever saw one!
Jeeves: I’ve seen all the episodes, terrific show I mean it’s no EastEnders or Downton Abbey but they got a pretty catchy theme.
Rainbow: You are a man of mystery Jeeves.
Jeeves hums along to the theme of “Odd Couple”
Jeeves: Dada da-da-daa, dada-dada-daa, Dada da-da-daa, dada-dada-daa~
This upsets poor Rainbow.
Rainbow: WILL YOU STOP!?! We a match to call!
The lights dim and “Old School” Terry Roberts walks through the curtain, the lack of entrance music adding a touch of surreality to his walk down the aisle. He ignores the fans and simply climbs the steps and enters the ring, flexing the ropes a bit before leaning against them to wait for the start of the match.
Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Annnd introducing the other half of the match, already in the ring from Dallas Texas, they don’t get any older than this mates.. “Old School” Terry Roberts
Jeeves: Well there’s Terry Roberts but where is his partner?
Rainbow: Maybe he has none? All his friends are probably dead anyway, if ever had any.
Jeeves: That’s horrible! How could you say something so horrible about the man.
Rainbow: Horrible? I even created a website for him LonelyRoberts.Net, 20 bucks a click, the man needs his alzheimer pills.
Jeeves: Oh that’s enough of you Miss Rainbow!
Rainbow: Fine, lord buzzkiller..
Roberts leans up against the ropes tapping a foot on the canvas, Tirri and Hayley shout at him to start the match already, Roberts looks towards the ramp then at his opponents and back at the ramp. Huffing and puffing with frustration he starts to make his way towards backstage.
Jeeves: Looks like Terry Roberts is leaving but the match has not even STARTED YET?!
Rainbow: He’s probably going to grab one of the tech guys to do everything, or maybe he just flat out got fed up or forgot to take his medicine.
Crowd starts to murmur with displease when Roberts goes backstage, for a few moments everyone just seem confused by just what the bloody was supposed to do now, when Terry returns pushing a wheelchair towards the ring, a white haired man sitting there, emotionless, immobile and looking pretty much comatose. Yet he was dressed to the finest suit, slacks, socks ,shoes and shirt that money can buy.
Rainbow: HOLY SHIT HE FOUND SOMEONE OLDER THAN HIM?!?
Jeeves: T-that can’t be his partner can it?
Rainbow: I’m pretty sure that man isn’t even alive, pretty macabre for CCM to agree to have a dead guy on the match, at least you won’t have to pay them I guess.
Steve “Stingray” Irvine: Well mates looks like the other half of the team is present now, talking about some serious dead weight, about that comment earlier apparently they do get older than Terry Roberts, sorry about that..
Tirri and Hayley look at each other, they seem as confused as the rest of the fans when Roberts trashtalks at them pushing the chair to his own corner, telling Thomas Harrison to ring the bell.
Harrison looks at both of the teams, then towards the announcers obviously being puzzled on just how to respond to this.
Crowd: GET ON WITH IT!
Harrison shrugs and calls for the bell. As soon as the bell rings though the man in the wheelchair springs to life, he jumps up on the apron getting into the ring with surprising speed and agility given his obviously high age at this moment.
Jeeves: Well look at that old bloke go!
Rainbow: It’s alive, ALLIVE!
Rainbow: What? I always wanted to say that.
Roberts stands there in the corner nodding approvingly at his partner, who struts on the middle of the ring like he was the cock of the walk himself.
Hollering at the announcers Roberts seems to be enjoying it.
Roberts: That right there brother is the MAN! He is Harry “The Hammer” Stone you remember that name you whipper-snapper, snot nosed punks because he can STILL outwrestle any member of this “current generation” of “talent, BROTHER!
Stone struts his way the corner of Drink and Bounce, yelling at either one of them or both to get in the ring with him because he wouldn’t care, Hayley looks at the ranting senior citizen and figures “bollocks to this” slapping Tirri on the back before hopping down to ringside.
Jeeves: Hayley Dark obviously wants no part of Harry Stone, who seems fired up as it is.
Rainbow: Stone...stone, where have I heard that name before Jeeves?
Jeeves: Oliver Stone maybe?
Rainbow: That’s not it, his movies are shit anyway?
Jeeves: Emma Stone?
Rainbow: She’s a kid!
Jeeves: Joss Stone?
Rainbow: That’s one ugly cow and I think she’s out of her bloody mind!
Tirri has enough of Stone’s verbal abuse he steps above the ropes telling the old man to give it his best shot and without even blinking Harry chops the ever loving hell out of Tirri’s chest!
Don frowns, chops back at Stone who returns the favor with another vicious chop to the chest.
Jeeves: Devastating chops from both men, this is turning out to be a test of strength beyond comparison.
Rainbow: Really? Because all I see is two bloke slapping each other on the tits, if they were girls this would at least be hot..I guess.
Stone just flips out, starting to land knife-edge chops on Tirri, one after another.
Jeeves: What the hell is going on these people are yelling like a bunch of loonies for no reason!
Rainbow: Sounds like they are having fun though.
Stone smiles, he is feeling it landing that chop one more time.
Tirri grab his chest in pain while Stone just flips out completely the old man is already red in the face, ripping off his jacket, dropping it down on the canvas, dropping an elbow on it, bouncing back up, dropping a knee on it and bouncing back up dropping head first at the jacket, before getting back up again with a yell.
Jeeves: This old chap has to be bloody out of his mind look at him go!
Rainbow: I am pretty sure he killed that poor defenseless jacket!! OH THE HUMANITY!
Jeeves: it’s a jacket..
Rainbow: ..fine. OH THE TEXTILITY!
Roberts claps in approval as Tirri makes his way at Harry, the two men lock up in a test of strength. Both of them lock up and Tirri is shoving Stone backwards, those fancy italian shoes don’t have as much of a grip as one would like to think apparently because Harry is slipping his way towards the corner, where to the surprise of everyone Terry Roberts actually slaps Harry on the back therefore tagging himself in.
Jeeves: Would you believe that?!
Rainbow: I know right?! The old goat actually TAGS IN for once!
Jeeves: I actually meant the surprising strength of Don Tirri
Rainbow: Oh yeah because it takes a lot of power to push around a old guy twice your age and two heads shorter in size..
Without wasting any time Roberts blasts Tirri with a vicious right hand in the face, dropping the foul mouth Finn on the canvas.
Jeeves: Devastating knockout punch from Terry Roberts there! He is setting up some punishment here, Don Tirri is in trouble now!
Rainbow: Maybe he just slipped? He is drunk as usual!
Roberts starts to stomp down on Tirri, without mercy while the drunkard tries to make his way to their own corner, where Hailey Dark is bouncing up and down like a maniac trying to rally up the fans to cheer Tirri on.
Jeeves: Say what you want about either of them as individuals but ever since forming the team both members of Drink&Bounce have stepped up and are actually working well together, despite being surprisingly different.
Rainbow: Oh I love Drinky&Bouncy they are epic and awesome and kinda cute, and they sound like any part of the seven dwarfs!
Jeeves: I think they prefer the term little people.
Rainbow: I don’t care, they are not real, I call dwarf a dwarf, if we give up on this little people nonsense they will get tired of it too and then what’s next vertically challenged? No Jeeves a dwarf is a dwarf is a dwarf!
Jeeves: But the story already has seven dwarfs and none of them are called Drinky or Bouncy?
Rainbow: So we get rid of two dwarfs like Grouchy, he’s a cunt anyway and Dopey too!
Jeeves: Besides Don Tirri is hardly someone you could call a dwarf anyway.
Rainbow: You know you are right, you are absolutely right Jeeves.
Jeeves: Thank heavens you came to your senses--
Rainbow: He’s like two dwarfs so we can get rid of a third one, I vote for Sleepy that bugger never does anything worthwhile anyway!
Tirri rolls his way to the corner, Hayley reaches out to slap a tag on before Roberts gets a chance to tug Tirri away the green haired bouncer takes flight sending a drop kick towards the chest of Roberts, knocking him backwards. Wobbling back and forth and just when Roberts was about to topple down on his arse Harry shoves him from behind sending the aged brawler towards his opponent. Hayley puts up her dukes throwing some mock punches before throwing a vicious kick to the hip, we hear Roberts yell in pain whereas his partner is slapping on the corner post yelling at Terry to just tag him back in.
Roberts points at Hayley murmuring something along the lines of “You are gonna get it now bitch!” Hayley flips him the bird, heading towards her corner, climbing up to the turnbuckle to rile the fans up, Harry gets tagged in, he stomps his way towards Hayley tell her to get the hell down from that turnbuckle right this instant! Hayley shrugs and jumps down going at Stone who stops her mid air with a powerful Polish hammer, dropping down get the pin, Don Tirri is yelling at Hayley to kick out but the poor girl could not seem to get it done and when Thomas Harrison drops to position both Tirri and Terry head to stop each other.
Harrison starts to count.
When Harrison gets up calling the bell Roberts moves in to stand between Tirri and his partner, Harry gets up and lets out a loud yell of his own, Harrison attempts to raise Stone’s hand in victory but Roberts slaps it away and holds up Harry’s hand himself.
Steve “Stingray” Irvine: And looks like the old timers take this one home, Croikie I haven’t seen that much old man skin sins the day our local nursing home sent those poor bastards to the beach, not a pretty sight! So by pinfall the winners of this match Terry “Old School” Roberts and Harry “The Hammer” Stone known as...what are you two geezers called?
Steve”Stingray” Irvine: ..The TEAM? really? Well guess back in your day they didn’t have imagination either.
Jeeves: Well isn’t this just..
Rainbow: A CROCK OF SHITE!
Jeeves: Well they won the match fair at least.
Rainbow: That’s still horseshit almost as stupid as that name of theirs THE TEAM, really?
Jeeves: I think it’s simple.
Rainbow: I think YOU are simple Jeeves.
We move on with the show as THE Team celebrates their way walking towards backstage and Tirri helps Hayley up in the ring.
SEGMENT: Hail Queen Cara!
I GOT THE MAGIC IN ME!”
“Magic” starts to play over the PA in the arena and the crowd pops as...no one in particular comes out? The crowd keeps cheering anyway in anticipation of the new British Empire Champion’s entrance. Some time passes and by the time we’re in the verse out walks Cara’s valet and boyfriend, Anders Stark. He’s dressed in a BAW t-shrt and jeans and the fans cheer for him as he waves at them, smiling before sliding under the bottom rope and into the ring, still with no sign of Cara. He asks for a mic from ringside and then motions for the music to cut out, which it does.
Anders: How is everyone doing tonight?!
The crowd cheers in response.
Rainbow: HI CUTIE! I’M GREAT!
Jeeves: What about Jamal?
Rainbow: Huh? NOOO... JAMAL I DIDN’T MEAN IT BABY!!! YOU ARE FINE TOO!
Jeeves: ... *sighs*
Anders: Sweet deal. You know, this is sort of cool, on the mic, all by myself. Feels like I used to do this all the time in another life or something. Weird, anyway...so don’t worry everyone. Cara your new, reigning BRITISH EMPIRE CHAMPION!!!!11!!!!1!!...is definitely here tonight. She did not send me on my own to celebrate for her. That would be ridiculous. However, she felt she deserved an entrance that was a bit more special than usual tonight, so I have the pleasure of introducing her. So...without further ado...your British Empire Champion!!!.... HURRICANE CARA STONE!
The crowd cheers as … “God Save the Queen” hits the PA???!!! Yup. That’s happening. But it’s not some stuck-up version of the British national anthem. No. It’s God Save the Queen on the electric guitar!! Some of the crowd starts singing along with the lyrics as the song plays and then some sparkler pyro (which really just amounts to really big regular sparkers on BAW’s budget) start going off in the entrance way and out walks Cara Stone, wrapped in a royal purple cloak and wearing the crown from her Asylum 6 Youtube promo on top of her head. The crowd cheers as she walks out and spins around in her royal attire....and then
God Save the Queen suddenly turns into “We are the Champions” by Queen and Cara throws off her cloak dramatically to reveal her Union Jack patterned two-piece wrestling gear. The British Empire Championship is wrapped around her waist and displayed proudly as she starts jumping up and down and slapping hands with fans as she comes down the entrance ramp. Anders is applauding in the ring as the Queen sports anthem continues to play. Cara rolls under the bottom rope and jumps up on the turnbuckle, raising her arms to a big pop from the local crowd. Cara smiles and jumps down as the music cuts out and she grabs the mic from Anders.
Jeeves: ...This is not over the top. Not at all.
Rainbow: YAY CARA!!!
Cara: I DID IT!! WE DID IT! I am the British Empire Champion, in case you hadn’t heard. I beat not one, not two, but THREE of BAW’s best and I became the first world champion of BAW. I’ve dreamed of this day for a long time. A lot of people told me that I would never make it. A lot of people said that I would die alone in the gutter high on crack cocaine and selling myself for drug money..
Anders: Wait, what? Nobody ever said that--
Cara: QUIET ANDERS! THIS IS MY TIME! Anyway, like I was saying, a lot of people told me I would never make it, but here I am, your world champion. And let me tell you, it’s an amazing feeling. I’m not gonna lie, there are times when I was training, when I was still wrestling for fifty bucks a night for twenty people in the Bronx. Now...I wrestle for more than that...though legally I can’t say how much more because CCM told me something about labor laws in Britain or something like that...and I’m in the main event! I’m the franchise player! I am the Queen of the Asylum and the people’s champion! WOOO!!!!
Cara reaches down and unstraps the belt from her waist and holds it up to the crowd who cheer wildly.
Cara: I want to thank all of you who have supported me throughout my time in BAW and I want to tell you that things are just getting started. Whoever I defend this belt against next, whether it be a jerkface bizzatch like Mika Demidov or MIIIIISSSSSTTTTEEEERRRR SHOOOOOOWWWWWTTTTIIIIMMME himself, I promise that I’m going to put you through the fight of your life. In the case of Mika, I will carry your sorry Russian ass to a five star match JUST so I can give these fans what they deserve! They deserve the best! Because BAW fans are passionate, wild, insane and I love them. So I promise that during my time as British Empire Champion, you are only going to get the best from me. Guaran-damn-teed.
Anders applauds next to his fiance, smiling the whole while. Cara grins back at him and shares a look before turning back to the audience.
Cara: And I want to thank my awesomesauce boyfriend and future husband Anders Stark, who--
Anders grabs the mic from Cara and speaks into it while she’s still holding on with one hand and trying to pull it back.
Anders: Who stood by you while you were parading oiled up beefcake around the ring and making suggestive jokes about them, and even managed to overcome and prove his worth to you by becoming your beloved valet.
Cara finally tugs the mic back as Anders finishes. He looks at Cara as if to say “what? what I do?”
Cara: ..Yes, who stood by me through all my trial and tribulations to see me realize my dreams and become the main event player I always knew I could be. Thank you.
Suddenly, Cara pulls Anders towards her by the shirt and kisses him in the middle of the ring. The women in the crowd make oooooos and aawwwwws as they suck face for a few seconds. Anders is grinning like an idiot when Cara lets go. She lets him stand there while turning back to the fans.
Cara: So I want everyone in the entire BAW roster put on notice now. I finally made it to the top and I have no intentions of coming back down anytime soon. So whether you’re Mika, Showtime, Terry Roberts, Hayley Dark, Twisted Path, Rudo Galactica, Gaston Gillet, Lucas Peek, Don Tirri, Hayley Dark or hell, even my own sister and her tag partners in Combat Rawk. If you’re coming for the top spot, you have to go through me and you better WATCH OUT if you do, because I’m Hurricane Cara Stone and I got the MAGIC, BABY!!!
“Magic” hits the PA and Cara gives the mic to ringside before taking her title and climbing up the turnbuckle, holding the belt up to the fans as they cheer her. Eventually, she rolls out of the ring and slaps fans’ hands as she heads to the back.
Rainbow: That was awesome! Cara is sooooooo cool!
Jeeves: I haven’t been this proud of being British since the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II, we had Lizzy and now, We have Cara..We have a proud Briton to rule over us as our rightful and lawful queen we have--
Rainbow: We have MAGIC get on with it Jeeves!