Wife's affair with her doctor

Wife's affair with her doctor

Joined: October 25th, 2010, 1:00 pm

October 25th, 2010, 1:48 pm #1

My wife of 29 years had a 3 year affair with her married plastic surgeon (10 yr patient).Wife is one of seven children, only daughter. Father died and she was very depressed, she was daddy's little girl. He called her to say how sorry he was and said he was here if she needed someone to talk to and gave her his cell phone number. He called her constantly to talk and invited her to dinner in NYC. She accepted and ended up at his apparment and had sex. the relationship continued once a week for three years. Once confronted he gave her a seperate phone to contact him and they continued to meet 3 months when I was away on business I filed a claim with the state medical board and several hospitals. He has lost his hospital prividgels and may lose his medical license for having sex with a patient. He dumped her telling his wife he only told her what she wanted to here to get sex. Post 2years, I still have horrible dreams, every morning I wake up it is the first thig I think about, probably 10 times a day and before I go to bed. My children and I have forgiven my wife, sex is great, but I consantly look at her lying in bed and feel as though I am the OM looking at her and is this how she acted with him. I also feel inadaquate because of his position in life he is said to be one of the best plastic surgeons in the world. My psychiatrists says I can't forgive myself. Is it wrong to take his medical license due to the affair.
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Joined: July 21st, 2001, 12:54 am

October 25th, 2010, 4:37 pm #2

David:

Welcome to our site. A lot of what you've described are feelings that I've experienced too. What you're experiencing seems to be a common human reaction to adultery.

You asked the question, "Is is wrong to take his medical license..". I don't think you did anything wrong. The medical board won't take his license if he has not violated the medical ethical code. If he violated the medical code of ethics, then he authorities need to be informed to make a proper judgement and determination. There are reasons that doctors are not to have relationships with patients. First, patients are emotionally vulnerable and your wife was even more so given the other circuimstances in her life. A person who takes advantage of emotionally vulnerable people is a predator. Second, doctors who are emotionally involved with their patients have less objective medical judgement when treating them. A parallel question may be would you and your wife be comfortable seeking treatment from a doctor who had a history like this doctor?

Also, while I'm not and expert in these matters, it seems possible, even very likely, that his punishment will be less severe that a perminant ban from praticing medicine.

TomJ

Last edited by tomj76 on October 25th, 2010, 4:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: December 29th, 2004, 9:58 pm

October 25th, 2010, 5:12 pm #3

My wife of 29 years had a 3 year affair with her married plastic surgeon (10 yr patient).Wife is one of seven children, only daughter. Father died and she was very depressed, she was daddy's little girl. He called her to say how sorry he was and said he was here if she needed someone to talk to and gave her his cell phone number. He called her constantly to talk and invited her to dinner in NYC. She accepted and ended up at his apparment and had sex. the relationship continued once a week for three years. Once confronted he gave her a seperate phone to contact him and they continued to meet 3 months when I was away on business I filed a claim with the state medical board and several hospitals. He has lost his hospital prividgels and may lose his medical license for having sex with a patient. He dumped her telling his wife he only told her what she wanted to here to get sex. Post 2years, I still have horrible dreams, every morning I wake up it is the first thig I think about, probably 10 times a day and before I go to bed. My children and I have forgiven my wife, sex is great, but I consantly look at her lying in bed and feel as though I am the OM looking at her and is this how she acted with him. I also feel inadaquate because of his position in life he is said to be one of the best plastic surgeons in the world. My psychiatrists says I can't forgive myself. Is it wrong to take his medical license due to the affair.
David,

I am so sorry you are hurting. I completely agree with Tom's post. That doctor took advantage of your wife, a patient of his. He knew doing was unacceptable, and yet he did so anyway. Some people think they are above the rules; perhaps this man is one of those people.

At two years out from DDay #2, I was still in a great deal of pain and uncertain whether or not I wanted to stay married to my H. It wasn't until he found a new IC who helped him dig much deeper into his issues than the first therapist he saw that I felt safe to stay in the marriage. Has your wife had therapy to help her figure out how she was able to give herself permission to cheat? Until she figures out why, tells you the complete truth, is genuinely remorseful, and takes complete responsibility for her actions will you feel safe to stay in your marriage.

BS often feel guilt associated with an A. If you are like me, you feel too much responsibility for what happens to others. That is falacious thinking as we can only control ourselves. The doctor CHOSE to cheat with your wife, and now he is facing what my therapist calls natural consequences. This man knew what the rules were as well as the consequences. Getting caught meant his wife found out about the A (because like you, she was a BS), and now she has a chance to make decisions about her life, something she couldn't do before because she was ignorant of his behaviors. In addition, other patients and their families may be spared the pain you and your family have been through.

A book about forgiveness that helped me immensely is Janis Abrahm Spring's book, "How Can I Forgive You?" Perhaps it will help you forgive yourself because even though you have done absolutely NOTHING wrong, you have feelings that are troubling you.

Take care of yourself.

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Joined: October 25th, 2010, 1:00 pm

October 26th, 2010, 4:35 pm #4

My wife of 29 years had a 3 year affair with her married plastic surgeon (10 yr patient).Wife is one of seven children, only daughter. Father died and she was very depressed, she was daddy's little girl. He called her to say how sorry he was and said he was here if she needed someone to talk to and gave her his cell phone number. He called her constantly to talk and invited her to dinner in NYC. She accepted and ended up at his apparment and had sex. the relationship continued once a week for three years. Once confronted he gave her a seperate phone to contact him and they continued to meet 3 months when I was away on business I filed a claim with the state medical board and several hospitals. He has lost his hospital prividgels and may lose his medical license for having sex with a patient. He dumped her telling his wife he only told her what she wanted to here to get sex. Post 2years, I still have horrible dreams, every morning I wake up it is the first thig I think about, probably 10 times a day and before I go to bed. My children and I have forgiven my wife, sex is great, but I consantly look at her lying in bed and feel as though I am the OM looking at her and is this how she acted with him. I also feel inadaquate because of his position in life he is said to be one of the best plastic surgeons in the world. My psychiatrists says I can't forgive myself. Is it wrong to take his medical license due to the affair.
Tomj and FF,

Last night my wife attempted suicide and is in intensive care. The next 24 hrs are critical. Can't sleep, never have felt this bad in my life. Ironically the Medical Board called today and informed me they notified the doctor's attorney that the board would accept nothing short of license revocation. What good is this victory if my wife does not make it. Her note to me said she is so sorry for what she has done to me, she never stopped loving me and can no longer face me, family or friends. I am a good man and did not deserve this. I am sorry I was so tough on her, but it just hurts so much.

Tomand FF, thanks for your kind words, please keep her in your prayers.

David

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Joined: December 29th, 2004, 9:58 pm

October 26th, 2010, 7:41 pm #5

My wife of 29 years had a 3 year affair with her married plastic surgeon (10 yr patient).Wife is one of seven children, only daughter. Father died and she was very depressed, she was daddy's little girl. He called her to say how sorry he was and said he was here if she needed someone to talk to and gave her his cell phone number. He called her constantly to talk and invited her to dinner in NYC. She accepted and ended up at his apparment and had sex. the relationship continued once a week for three years. Once confronted he gave her a seperate phone to contact him and they continued to meet 3 months when I was away on business I filed a claim with the state medical board and several hospitals. He has lost his hospital prividgels and may lose his medical license for having sex with a patient. He dumped her telling his wife he only told her what she wanted to here to get sex. Post 2years, I still have horrible dreams, every morning I wake up it is the first thig I think about, probably 10 times a day and before I go to bed. My children and I have forgiven my wife, sex is great, but I consantly look at her lying in bed and feel as though I am the OM looking at her and is this how she acted with him. I also feel inadaquate because of his position in life he is said to be one of the best plastic surgeons in the world. My psychiatrists says I can't forgive myself. Is it wrong to take his medical license due to the affair.
David,

I am saddened to learn of your wife's suicide attempt. She must be in tremendous pain and feeling overwhelmed with guilt. I daresay she was or is depressed which would only increase her feelings of hopelessness.

While my H didn't attempt suicide, he admits that the thoughts occurred to him because he didn't want to face the magnitude of his actions. I can't imagine the pain and fear you are going through right now; however, my youngest brother committed suicide in 1994 at the age of 24, so I do know how awful dealing with suicide can be.

Work with your therapist to help you not feel guilty about her choices. In most cases, I believe suicide is a choice people make when they feel so overwhelmed with pain and so hopeless about the future that they can no longer deal with their anxiety. I am sorry your wife is in such pain, but the good news is that she CAN get better, as can you and your marriage.

I hope she is doing better.

Please remember what my therapist told me: my H loved me, but he had huge issues of his own that he was able to give himself permission to cheat. His cheating didn't mean he didn't love me. It meant he didn't love himself.

Take care of youself.

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Joined: March 8th, 2007, 2:22 am

October 26th, 2010, 8:00 pm #6

My wife of 29 years had a 3 year affair with her married plastic surgeon (10 yr patient).Wife is one of seven children, only daughter. Father died and she was very depressed, she was daddy's little girl. He called her to say how sorry he was and said he was here if she needed someone to talk to and gave her his cell phone number. He called her constantly to talk and invited her to dinner in NYC. She accepted and ended up at his apparment and had sex. the relationship continued once a week for three years. Once confronted he gave her a seperate phone to contact him and they continued to meet 3 months when I was away on business I filed a claim with the state medical board and several hospitals. He has lost his hospital prividgels and may lose his medical license for having sex with a patient. He dumped her telling his wife he only told her what she wanted to here to get sex. Post 2years, I still have horrible dreams, every morning I wake up it is the first thig I think about, probably 10 times a day and before I go to bed. My children and I have forgiven my wife, sex is great, but I consantly look at her lying in bed and feel as though I am the OM looking at her and is this how she acted with him. I also feel inadaquate because of his position in life he is said to be one of the best plastic surgeons in the world. My psychiatrists says I can't forgive myself. Is it wrong to take his medical license due to the affair.
I am so sorry for ALL you are going through. But you must believe YOU did not cause any of this. As much as you love her, she did this, not you. I know it is hard to not feel guilt, but these were not your choices no matter how hard you were on her. She simply lacks the skills to deal with HER issues. This is something she has to learn (with the help of a skilled therapist) and you cannot do it for her. As was said, she can get better. Also, as was said, affairs have nothing to do with love...





~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
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Joined: July 21st, 2001, 12:54 am

October 26th, 2010, 11:37 pm #7

My wife of 29 years had a 3 year affair with her married plastic surgeon (10 yr patient).Wife is one of seven children, only daughter. Father died and she was very depressed, she was daddy's little girl. He called her to say how sorry he was and said he was here if she needed someone to talk to and gave her his cell phone number. He called her constantly to talk and invited her to dinner in NYC. She accepted and ended up at his apparment and had sex. the relationship continued once a week for three years. Once confronted he gave her a seperate phone to contact him and they continued to meet 3 months when I was away on business I filed a claim with the state medical board and several hospitals. He has lost his hospital prividgels and may lose his medical license for having sex with a patient. He dumped her telling his wife he only told her what she wanted to here to get sex. Post 2years, I still have horrible dreams, every morning I wake up it is the first thig I think about, probably 10 times a day and before I go to bed. My children and I have forgiven my wife, sex is great, but I consantly look at her lying in bed and feel as though I am the OM looking at her and is this how she acted with him. I also feel inadaquate because of his position in life he is said to be one of the best plastic surgeons in the world. My psychiatrists says I can't forgive myself. Is it wrong to take his medical license due to the affair.
David:

I'm sorry that your wife chose to deal with this situation by making matters worse. I will pray that she recovers from this, not only that she'd recover her health, but that she will recover emotionally as well. From watching my wife and other wayward spouses, I understand on some level the deep guilt feelings. Just so you know, this situation has occured before with someone who was posting on this forum.

I'd caution you to not feel guilty for her decision and her actions. You can't take responsiblity for her choices. The pain you expressed is real, and part of the consequences of adultery. Choosing to solve the problem in this manner does not help anyone involved.

Instead, there is hope to be found. Miracles of healed marriages do occur. When both spouses are willing to deal with their own feelings after the adultery is disclosed, when there is repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation, the relationship is healed. Sure, there will be reminants of the wound, and hearts will occasionally ache over that past injury. However, the relationship can be restored, the trust rebuilt, and acts of heartful love can be given.

TomJ

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Joined: October 6th, 2002, 3:34 pm

October 27th, 2010, 2:02 pm #8

My wife of 29 years had a 3 year affair with her married plastic surgeon (10 yr patient).Wife is one of seven children, only daughter. Father died and she was very depressed, she was daddy's little girl. He called her to say how sorry he was and said he was here if she needed someone to talk to and gave her his cell phone number. He called her constantly to talk and invited her to dinner in NYC. She accepted and ended up at his apparment and had sex. the relationship continued once a week for three years. Once confronted he gave her a seperate phone to contact him and they continued to meet 3 months when I was away on business I filed a claim with the state medical board and several hospitals. He has lost his hospital prividgels and may lose his medical license for having sex with a patient. He dumped her telling his wife he only told her what she wanted to here to get sex. Post 2years, I still have horrible dreams, every morning I wake up it is the first thig I think about, probably 10 times a day and before I go to bed. My children and I have forgiven my wife, sex is great, but I consantly look at her lying in bed and feel as though I am the OM looking at her and is this how she acted with him. I also feel inadaquate because of his position in life he is said to be one of the best plastic surgeons in the world. My psychiatrists says I can't forgive myself. Is it wrong to take his medical license due to the affair.
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David,

My heart goes out to you and your wife. I truly hope that she will be better soon.

I unfortunately have more experience with suicide than I would like. My best friend since High School has attempted suicide five times that I know of. It is not an easy thing to deal with. My feelings have ranged from terror for her, to blame on myself, to extreme anger for putting her children through all of this turmoil. It took me along time to get past what her problems have done to her kids. However, today I have reached a point of acceptance with her mental disorder.

My friend is prone to depression, it is beyond her control to stop this without help. I know this. It is most likely that your wife is also prone to depression. The last time my friend tried suicide I did some heavy research to make sure she got the best care possible. She chose not to go to the best facility I found, saying that it was too far. It was a bit further, but not that bad. After she completed the in-house program she promised to faithfully attend the bi-weekly group counseling sessions for the next several months. She attended the first and a couple here and there afterwards, but that was about it. She did meet with a counselor outside of the program for about 4 to 5 months, but she no longer does that either. I am not sure whether she is still on her meds or not, I am not her mother I am her friend so I dont pry too much for fear that I will push her away. People with mental disorders such as this are usually their own worst enemy. I have reached the point where I know there is a good possibility that I will loose her to this problem, and while I am not happy about it, I am certain that I am powerless to stop it.

You are absolutely positively not at fault for her decision to take such drastic measures. You have not been too hard on her, her actions caused her distress, and her decision to not get help when her depression spun out of control, is in her hands not yours. It is so easy for her to relinquish control, particularly when you are so willing to take it. This is not helping her, but hurting her. You cannot cure her. It is likely her depression is one of the reasons she allowed herself to enter an affair in the first place. Just as you could not have stopped the affair you could not have stopped her attempt on her life.

My advise to you, is to make sure she gets in the best possible in-house program; do your research. Then make sure she gets a counselor that she likes and that is experienced with people with your wifes disorder. The most effective treatment is a combination of medication, individual, and family counseling.

David, many of us going through affair recovery whether BS or WS have suicidal thoughts that can get to the point where we are at deaths door, most of us are able to back off at the last minute. I know I was there and was able to come back because of fear of what my actions would do to my kids. Those who cannot back off have, as I have said above, a mental disorder. This was totally out of your hands.

Ami
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Joined: April 23rd, 2003, 2:43 pm

October 27th, 2010, 2:34 pm #9

My wife of 29 years had a 3 year affair with her married plastic surgeon (10 yr patient).Wife is one of seven children, only daughter. Father died and she was very depressed, she was daddy's little girl. He called her to say how sorry he was and said he was here if she needed someone to talk to and gave her his cell phone number. He called her constantly to talk and invited her to dinner in NYC. She accepted and ended up at his apparment and had sex. the relationship continued once a week for three years. Once confronted he gave her a seperate phone to contact him and they continued to meet 3 months when I was away on business I filed a claim with the state medical board and several hospitals. He has lost his hospital prividgels and may lose his medical license for having sex with a patient. He dumped her telling his wife he only told her what she wanted to here to get sex. Post 2years, I still have horrible dreams, every morning I wake up it is the first thig I think about, probably 10 times a day and before I go to bed. My children and I have forgiven my wife, sex is great, but I consantly look at her lying in bed and feel as though I am the OM looking at her and is this how she acted with him. I also feel inadaquate because of his position in life he is said to be one of the best plastic surgeons in the world. My psychiatrists says I can't forgive myself. Is it wrong to take his medical license due to the affair.
David,

I am so sorry. I pray that your wife is doing better today.
I just want to ditto what everyone else has said.
and again, You are not wrong to seek to take his license.

take care,

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
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Joined: October 25th, 2010, 1:00 pm

October 29th, 2010, 1:08 am #10

My wife of 29 years had a 3 year affair with her married plastic surgeon (10 yr patient).Wife is one of seven children, only daughter. Father died and she was very depressed, she was daddy's little girl. He called her to say how sorry he was and said he was here if she needed someone to talk to and gave her his cell phone number. He called her constantly to talk and invited her to dinner in NYC. She accepted and ended up at his apparment and had sex. the relationship continued once a week for three years. Once confronted he gave her a seperate phone to contact him and they continued to meet 3 months when I was away on business I filed a claim with the state medical board and several hospitals. He has lost his hospital prividgels and may lose his medical license for having sex with a patient. He dumped her telling his wife he only told her what she wanted to here to get sex. Post 2years, I still have horrible dreams, every morning I wake up it is the first thig I think about, probably 10 times a day and before I go to bed. My children and I have forgiven my wife, sex is great, but I consantly look at her lying in bed and feel as though I am the OM looking at her and is this how she acted with him. I also feel inadaquate because of his position in life he is said to be one of the best plastic surgeons in the world. My psychiatrists says I can't forgive myself. Is it wrong to take his medical license due to the affair.
I never thought my life would come to this. My wife finally sat up and said a few words to me " sorry I embarresed you again" then she just started to cry and becane extreemly emotional. Doctors asked me to leave so she could calm down. Two other doctors arrived to examine her and spent over an hour talking to her. finally the doctors came out of the room to speak with me. They said my wife is very depressed and still a threat to herself. They have petitioned the court and received a verbal commitment order for 5 days until the judge can read her medical reports. The doctors are psychiatrists from the Crisis Management Center. They said they will be able to get a 30 day commitment from the judge once he reads the report. She will not be able to see any visitors for the first week, she needs to consentrate on getting well before she can take the stress of seeing her family. I will be able to talk to her twice a day. What the hell! I just don't know what the future holds for her.
I took a walk and took a seat in the family waiting room. Her mother sat next to me and with a tone of voice I had never heard from her, she asked what did I do to her daughter that made her act this way. I looked at her for a moment and wanted to just let it all out, instead I just said I have loved her more than anything I have on this earth, if thats a crime then I'm guilty and I'll have to pay the price. I walked into the hall and was met by two of her brothers, they gave me a big hug and thanked me for not getting into an argument with their mother. They said they know how much I love their sister.
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