Taking a stand (Update 2-12-12)

Taking a stand (Update 2-12-12)

Joined: February 26th, 2004, 1:32 pm

January 10th, 2012, 4:46 am #1

Well I'm starting to take more of a stand in my life.

My work is having it's annual meeting this week and I stood up for myself and told H I was not driving back and forth all week. I end up leaving the conference at 10, driving an hour home and then have to be up at 5, get ready and leave and get back to conference by 7:30. I was exhausted last year. Work offers all office staff in our group to spend the night and this year I took them up on it. While H is having a fit over it.

I know we are not in a good place in our marriage, but he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude. He keeps complaining about me staying and saying he doesn't trust me or the people I'm around.

So I've said that I will check in all day...and when i get in my room at night...I don't know what else to do to help him.

I am at the end of my rope here. Barely hanging on. he doesn't see himself as being controlling; says all of his control issues are due to me not meeting his needs. He says that if I could meet his needs, everything would be fine. He is not controlling at all.

Well if he isn't controlling, then why does he track me on my phone everytime I'm out? If I'm with the kids, he doesn't, but if I'm out with friends or alone, tracks me. I know because it sends me a message every time he does it. Now he set up the "find my iPhone" so I don't know when he does it. I have yet to be somewhere I shouldn't...because I am doing nothing wrong!!! UGH

okay...vent over!!



Denise
Last edited by deedeemommy on February 12th, 2012, 8:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: December 29th, 2004, 9:58 pm

January 10th, 2012, 5:09 pm #2

Denise,

Your H is unbelievably controlling. I'll bet, too, that every controller completely denies being controlling. You have NEVER given him a reason to doubt you. I'm sure that having lived with his behaviors for so long, standing up to him is a huge challenge for you, but for your sake, you know it is exactly what you need to do, both for you and for your children. You know you do not want your kids to think his behavior is normal or healthy because it is NOT.

IMO, the sooner you are out of this marriage the better. Your H doesn't seem to want to do the work on himself that would make him healthier and happier and in the process a much better partner. He continues to blameshift and accuse. I know that you are at the end of your rope with him. Sorry sweetie.

Take care of yourself. I am rooting for you.

Huge encouraging hugs,

ff
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: October 19th, 2002, 1:18 pm

January 10th, 2012, 5:25 pm #3

Well I'm starting to take more of a stand in my life.

My work is having it's annual meeting this week and I stood up for myself and told H I was not driving back and forth all week. I end up leaving the conference at 10, driving an hour home and then have to be up at 5, get ready and leave and get back to conference by 7:30. I was exhausted last year. Work offers all office staff in our group to spend the night and this year I took them up on it. While H is having a fit over it.

I know we are not in a good place in our marriage, but he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude. He keeps complaining about me staying and saying he doesn't trust me or the people I'm around.

So I've said that I will check in all day...and when i get in my room at night...I don't know what else to do to help him.

I am at the end of my rope here. Barely hanging on. he doesn't see himself as being controlling; says all of his control issues are due to me not meeting his needs. He says that if I could meet his needs, everything would be fine. He is not controlling at all.

Well if he isn't controlling, then why does he track me on my phone everytime I'm out? If I'm with the kids, he doesn't, but if I'm out with friends or alone, tracks me. I know because it sends me a message every time he does it. Now he set up the "find my iPhone" so I don't know when he does it. I have yet to be somewhere I shouldn't...because I am doing nothing wrong!!! UGH

okay...vent over!!



Denise
Yes... what fairyfriend said. Exactly.

Good for you Denise in standing up for youself and shouting out the window, "I'm not going to take this anymore!"

We are here for you.

Take care and may God bless.

Len
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: August 23rd, 2011, 4:50 am

January 10th, 2012, 10:11 pm #4

Well I'm starting to take more of a stand in my life.

My work is having it's annual meeting this week and I stood up for myself and told H I was not driving back and forth all week. I end up leaving the conference at 10, driving an hour home and then have to be up at 5, get ready and leave and get back to conference by 7:30. I was exhausted last year. Work offers all office staff in our group to spend the night and this year I took them up on it. While H is having a fit over it.

I know we are not in a good place in our marriage, but he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude. He keeps complaining about me staying and saying he doesn't trust me or the people I'm around.

So I've said that I will check in all day...and when i get in my room at night...I don't know what else to do to help him.

I am at the end of my rope here. Barely hanging on. he doesn't see himself as being controlling; says all of his control issues are due to me not meeting his needs. He says that if I could meet his needs, everything would be fine. He is not controlling at all.

Well if he isn't controlling, then why does he track me on my phone everytime I'm out? If I'm with the kids, he doesn't, but if I'm out with friends or alone, tracks me. I know because it sends me a message every time he does it. Now he set up the "find my iPhone" so I don't know when he does it. I have yet to be somewhere I shouldn't...because I am doing nothing wrong!!! UGH

okay...vent over!!



Denise
Hi Denise,

I agree with the others, if he's not in this marriage 100% and after all this time, hasn't started working on it, then taking a stand is the right thing to do.

It takes a lot to stand up for yourself and it actually was the A that taught me to do that even more. I use to argue before that, but afterwards, if it was that important to me and the children, then I did what I felt was right. It sounds like you are doing the same thing.

I know this is hard and I'll be praying and thinking about you.

Take care,

LindaT
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: July 15th, 2004, 6:41 pm

January 11th, 2012, 1:25 am #5

Well I'm starting to take more of a stand in my life.

My work is having it's annual meeting this week and I stood up for myself and told H I was not driving back and forth all week. I end up leaving the conference at 10, driving an hour home and then have to be up at 5, get ready and leave and get back to conference by 7:30. I was exhausted last year. Work offers all office staff in our group to spend the night and this year I took them up on it. While H is having a fit over it.

I know we are not in a good place in our marriage, but he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude. He keeps complaining about me staying and saying he doesn't trust me or the people I'm around.

So I've said that I will check in all day...and when i get in my room at night...I don't know what else to do to help him.

I am at the end of my rope here. Barely hanging on. he doesn't see himself as being controlling; says all of his control issues are due to me not meeting his needs. He says that if I could meet his needs, everything would be fine. He is not controlling at all.

Well if he isn't controlling, then why does he track me on my phone everytime I'm out? If I'm with the kids, he doesn't, but if I'm out with friends or alone, tracks me. I know because it sends me a message every time he does it. Now he set up the "find my iPhone" so I don't know when he does it. I have yet to be somewhere I shouldn't...because I am doing nothing wrong!!! UGH

okay...vent over!!



Denise
Enjoy the conference and ignore the controlling aspects of his questions. It's his issue not yours.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: July 21st, 2001, 12:54 am

January 11th, 2012, 2:11 am #6

Well I'm starting to take more of a stand in my life.

My work is having it's annual meeting this week and I stood up for myself and told H I was not driving back and forth all week. I end up leaving the conference at 10, driving an hour home and then have to be up at 5, get ready and leave and get back to conference by 7:30. I was exhausted last year. Work offers all office staff in our group to spend the night and this year I took them up on it. While H is having a fit over it.

I know we are not in a good place in our marriage, but he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude. He keeps complaining about me staying and saying he doesn't trust me or the people I'm around.

So I've said that I will check in all day...and when i get in my room at night...I don't know what else to do to help him.

I am at the end of my rope here. Barely hanging on. he doesn't see himself as being controlling; says all of his control issues are due to me not meeting his needs. He says that if I could meet his needs, everything would be fine. He is not controlling at all.

Well if he isn't controlling, then why does he track me on my phone everytime I'm out? If I'm with the kids, he doesn't, but if I'm out with friends or alone, tracks me. I know because it sends me a message every time he does it. Now he set up the "find my iPhone" so I don't know when he does it. I have yet to be somewhere I shouldn't...because I am doing nothing wrong!!! UGH

okay...vent over!!



Denise
While I am not in any position to comment on the deeper issues going on here, in general some of the behavior seems to be commonly experienced by couples after infidelity. For example, going on over-night work trips is often met with anxiety and fear. However, this fear can be felt anytime the couple is separated. In addition, while it may seem normal for the betrayed spouse to feel this fear, is also experienced by wayward spouses.

In my case, the fear I felt was primarily over my wife renewing contact while she was not being "monitored". During the first two or three weeks after D-day I made arrangements so that my wife would not never be alone in our house without an adult who knew about the affair. During the first week this was me, then the second was her parents, and finally she was with my parents during the third week. This gave me peace of mind, and it insured that when contact was attempted as I expected (which did occur), someone would be there to insure that my wife would not "be nice" and carry on a conversation with the OM.

However, after this period we had to resume a "normal" life, which left her alone in our home during the workday. While we had changed nearly all of our contact (email was canceled, phone number was changed, etc.) it was very nerve wracking for me, and I was very anxious that the OM might come to our house, or find another way to contact her. I also feared that she would decide to contact him. When she left the house she also took a child with her, which helped assure me that she was less likely to meet him or talk to him while she was out.

In addition to my fear, my wife also experienced fear when we were apart. I believe her fears were (1) that I would leave, (2) that the OM would visit her while I was out, and (3) that I'd start my own affair. I think her reactions were "logical" in that she knew that she'd created the circumstances where each of these was a possibility.

When I had to work out of town for a full week, even several years after the affair was over, we both wanted her to come with me during that week. It certainly helped to keep both of us calm during that period. If I could have used her cell phone to track her location, I probably would have used it (and she would likely have encouraged me to do this).

I realize that the circumstances in Dee's marriage may be too different to relate to my experience, but I wanted to share my experience for those who are struggling with a situation that is similar to mine.

TomJ

Quote
Like
Share

Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:26 am

January 11th, 2012, 2:55 am #7

Well I'm starting to take more of a stand in my life.

My work is having it's annual meeting this week and I stood up for myself and told H I was not driving back and forth all week. I end up leaving the conference at 10, driving an hour home and then have to be up at 5, get ready and leave and get back to conference by 7:30. I was exhausted last year. Work offers all office staff in our group to spend the night and this year I took them up on it. While H is having a fit over it.

I know we are not in a good place in our marriage, but he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude. He keeps complaining about me staying and saying he doesn't trust me or the people I'm around.

So I've said that I will check in all day...and when i get in my room at night...I don't know what else to do to help him.

I am at the end of my rope here. Barely hanging on. he doesn't see himself as being controlling; says all of his control issues are due to me not meeting his needs. He says that if I could meet his needs, everything would be fine. He is not controlling at all.

Well if he isn't controlling, then why does he track me on my phone everytime I'm out? If I'm with the kids, he doesn't, but if I'm out with friends or alone, tracks me. I know because it sends me a message every time he does it. Now he set up the "find my iPhone" so I don't know when he does it. I have yet to be somewhere I shouldn't...because I am doing nothing wrong!!! UGH

okay...vent over!!



Denise
YAY for Dee!!!! If the conference was in another state would he require you to be home every night? Puuuuuuuuuleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase!

My now XH made some wild accusations whilst we were still trying to work things out. I tearfully discussed the accusations with my IC wondering where XH could get such ideas that I might do these things he was accusing me of since I had never done them in the past, the accusations were out of character for me and XH knew it. IC simply replied that generally when accusations are without cause or a past history it is generally something that person has thought of doing or done in the past.

"he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude" Where are these comments coming from? I have a pretty good idea and I would lay it back on his doorstep.

Dee it is NORMAL to go out to dinner and socialize with colleagues in the evening after conference are done for the day. There is even a name for it....NETWORKING! You are doing nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide. This is his neurosis, not yours. Do not let him ruin your week.



My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. ~Elaine Maxwell~
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: October 13th, 2011, 3:43 am

January 12th, 2012, 3:33 pm #8

Well I'm starting to take more of a stand in my life.

My work is having it's annual meeting this week and I stood up for myself and told H I was not driving back and forth all week. I end up leaving the conference at 10, driving an hour home and then have to be up at 5, get ready and leave and get back to conference by 7:30. I was exhausted last year. Work offers all office staff in our group to spend the night and this year I took them up on it. While H is having a fit over it.

I know we are not in a good place in our marriage, but he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude. He keeps complaining about me staying and saying he doesn't trust me or the people I'm around.

So I've said that I will check in all day...and when i get in my room at night...I don't know what else to do to help him.

I am at the end of my rope here. Barely hanging on. he doesn't see himself as being controlling; says all of his control issues are due to me not meeting his needs. He says that if I could meet his needs, everything would be fine. He is not controlling at all.

Well if he isn't controlling, then why does he track me on my phone everytime I'm out? If I'm with the kids, he doesn't, but if I'm out with friends or alone, tracks me. I know because it sends me a message every time he does it. Now he set up the "find my iPhone" so I don't know when he does it. I have yet to be somewhere I shouldn't...because I am doing nothing wrong!!! UGH

okay...vent over!!



Denise
Wow. It has been 5 months since my D Day and this really brought something to mind for me. About a month before one of my husbands many affairs, one of our neighbors came over to see if his daughter could ride the bus with our daughter one morning who was in the same class. We weren't close neighbors and that is why he came over and didn't call because he didn't have our phone number. We just know them from events at school and birthday parties and such. Anyway - My husband went nuts and started yelling at me as to why he came over and why didn't he just call. He started accusing me of seeing this guy and thought that we had something going. I didn't know what to say. He made me feel so guilty about it and I felt like I should feel guilty when in reality nothing at all was going on! I mean I didn't even know the guys name!

So I see where you are coming from! I knew in my gut that nothing at all was my fault but I couldn't quite put my finger on it why my husband would get so mad at that and act so irrational. Now it makes sense!

Hope you are doing OK. You know in your heart and conscience that you are doing nothing wrong!

Quote
Like
Share

Joined: February 26th, 2004, 1:32 pm

January 18th, 2012, 7:37 pm #9

Well I'm starting to take more of a stand in my life.

My work is having it's annual meeting this week and I stood up for myself and told H I was not driving back and forth all week. I end up leaving the conference at 10, driving an hour home and then have to be up at 5, get ready and leave and get back to conference by 7:30. I was exhausted last year. Work offers all office staff in our group to spend the night and this year I took them up on it. While H is having a fit over it.

I know we are not in a good place in our marriage, but he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude. He keeps complaining about me staying and saying he doesn't trust me or the people I'm around.

So I've said that I will check in all day...and when i get in my room at night...I don't know what else to do to help him.

I am at the end of my rope here. Barely hanging on. he doesn't see himself as being controlling; says all of his control issues are due to me not meeting his needs. He says that if I could meet his needs, everything would be fine. He is not controlling at all.

Well if he isn't controlling, then why does he track me on my phone everytime I'm out? If I'm with the kids, he doesn't, but if I'm out with friends or alone, tracks me. I know because it sends me a message every time he does it. Now he set up the "find my iPhone" so I don't know when he does it. I have yet to be somewhere I shouldn't...because I am doing nothing wrong!!! UGH

okay...vent over!!



Denise
Well the conference was good...I was in my room before 10 Tues/Wed and Thursday by 11. It was good networking, and it was nice to not have to drive an hour south and then be up at 5 to drive back. For me, it made it convenient and accomodating. For him it wasn't. You would think I was the one that had strayed and had the A. The phone was tracked every day I was there, several times and when I came home friday he suggested I could have come home to sleep since I was in by 10 two nights.

I read everyone's thoughts, and Tom, i totally understand where you are coming from. When H had to travel back to GA where OW lives, I would hyperventilate. I went with him the one time and when I found out they talked and connected while I was at the hotel waiting for him, I didn't go again. It didn't matter. There was nothing he could do to make me secure, because he could still do it when I was there. I had to simply ignore it. Not trust, ignore.

Well he doesn't trust me and it's prevalent. The iPhone feature was used Monday night when I was at dance class....I was actually disappointed the other tracking mechanism wasn't used, and when I signed into the iPhone one, low an behold the last track was there....the address for class. I am treated worse than our 17 yr olds...we don't even use it for them or their brother. Really.

So here we are...separated in the house, all of my emotional and physical doors closed....and he is pushing so hard I can barely breathe some days.....

Denise
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: October 19th, 2002, 1:18 pm

January 18th, 2012, 8:00 pm #10

Well I'm starting to take more of a stand in my life.

My work is having it's annual meeting this week and I stood up for myself and told H I was not driving back and forth all week. I end up leaving the conference at 10, driving an hour home and then have to be up at 5, get ready and leave and get back to conference by 7:30. I was exhausted last year. Work offers all office staff in our group to spend the night and this year I took them up on it. While H is having a fit over it.

I know we are not in a good place in our marriage, but he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude. He keeps complaining about me staying and saying he doesn't trust me or the people I'm around.

So I've said that I will check in all day...and when i get in my room at night...I don't know what else to do to help him.

I am at the end of my rope here. Barely hanging on. he doesn't see himself as being controlling; says all of his control issues are due to me not meeting his needs. He says that if I could meet his needs, everything would be fine. He is not controlling at all.

Well if he isn't controlling, then why does he track me on my phone everytime I'm out? If I'm with the kids, he doesn't, but if I'm out with friends or alone, tracks me. I know because it sends me a message every time he does it. Now he set up the "find my iPhone" so I don't know when he does it. I have yet to be somewhere I shouldn't...because I am doing nothing wrong!!! UGH

okay...vent over!!



Denise
Denise,

Hooray for you for following your plan and sticking to it despite your H's controlling behavior.

Nothing has changed...it's still all about him--his wants, his needs.

Well actually, it appears something has changed---you. For the better. I, for one, take your refusal to kowtow to his ridiculous demands as a positive step for YOU!

He's not the first controlling person ever, of course, but seems interesting how much control he wants/needs to exert over others, especially you, when he is unable to control the one person whom he should be controlling--himself.

I sense this is going to be a good year for you. Keep looking out for yourself and your kids.

Take care and may God bless.

Len

Quote
Like
Share