Losing it.

Losing it.

Joined: November 26th, 2008, 8:17 pm

January 7th, 2009, 7:05 pm #1

I had my baby 7 days ago. A healthy baby boy. Things have, of course, been busy. My mom is in town to help. So my H is delaying his time off for the baby until she leaves. It was on my suggestion that he do this, but now I am almost sorry I did.

Because of all the hormones etc associated with pregnancy and child birth I am starting to feel like I really don't know what I am feeling. Around Christmas I actually felt I loved my spouse again for the first time in a long time, that I missed him when he would go out to run errands or whatever. We didn't give each other gifts this year, so I know it was not because he did something different or nice, it was just a feeling that started.

Now, however, I feel like I hate him. Really, I am not exaggerating. I hate the way he is always joking and trying to make light of the situation. I hate the way the only time he tells me he loves me is in the dark when we are lying in bed. The last few times he has said it he is not even looking at me. I hate that the last time we attended MC I did most of the talking because he had nothing to say. I hate that he has yet to answer any of the emails or "assignments" I asked him to do.

The other day he came home and told me he heard OW and a coworker with a desk near his talking about her birthday party. I am sure my H told me because he knows that if he does not disclose moments like these at some point I will ask if he ran into to had to talk to OW. I got a little mad. Not because he told me but because OW is having a grand old time while I am struggling to enjoy a new child and hold my marriage together. I asked him if it bothered him, even a little, that a woman who helped hurt me is doing (at least in appearance) so happily. He said NO. I got even more angry. Then he said it was because he still mainly blamed himself. I guess that was meant to mean something to me but the fact that he can just excuse her role in this angers me. It is almost like he thinks of her as a victim too.

I know my H told me that he started cheating because I seemed so miserable all the time and he felt helpless to cheer me up. To make himself feel better he started focusing on someone who responded to his flirting and flattery, OW, and that made him feel useful and great.
I know I am in a funk. I try to hard everyday to not be as miserable as I feel inside, but I can feel the stitches coming undone. He still seems like he is in such a good mood too. Always laughing and joking, trying to relate to me the way we used to. I feel pressure to respond in kind otherwise it will just go back to when he started cheating on me because he will see that he can not make me happy. I hate him for putting me in this position. Not to mention the fact that he is in such a good mood it starts to worry me that things with OW are in fact still going on and that is where he is suddenly getting this ability to overlook my misery, again.

I feel so alone.I have so much sorrow and anger inside.
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Joined: January 25th, 2006, 4:20 pm

January 7th, 2009, 7:26 pm #2

(((Louise)))

Congratulations on the birth of your son! I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. But, try to enjoy him! Take lots of pictures and video, you don't want to regret that later on. My Mom became ill a week before and subsequently died 2.5 months after the birth of my last child. It was both a joyous and depressing time for me. So on a smaller scale i can understand what you are going through.

Are you on any medication? You may want to talk to your Dr about some anti-d or anti-anxiety medication. It may take the edge off so you can enjoy this most precious time.

My H is also a joker and wants to laugh and joke around most of the time, instead of being serious. Sometimes I don't even want him to make me smile for fear he will think that I forgive him and all is well. Then at other times it just feels good to laugh at something stupid. It makes me feel like a piece of the old me is in there, somewhere, and that I will eventually be able to get back to being myself. The humor is a mask your H uses to not have to deal with reality.

You are on a rollercoaster, you love him, you hate him, your happy, your depressed..... It is normal, but probably exagerated because of the hormones, as you said.

Since your Mom is in town try to get some time to yourself. Take care of yourself and that baby!

Lisa



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Joined: April 23rd, 2003, 2:43 pm

January 7th, 2009, 8:53 pm #3

I had my baby 7 days ago. A healthy baby boy. Things have, of course, been busy. My mom is in town to help. So my H is delaying his time off for the baby until she leaves. It was on my suggestion that he do this, but now I am almost sorry I did.

Because of all the hormones etc associated with pregnancy and child birth I am starting to feel like I really don't know what I am feeling. Around Christmas I actually felt I loved my spouse again for the first time in a long time, that I missed him when he would go out to run errands or whatever. We didn't give each other gifts this year, so I know it was not because he did something different or nice, it was just a feeling that started.

Now, however, I feel like I hate him. Really, I am not exaggerating. I hate the way he is always joking and trying to make light of the situation. I hate the way the only time he tells me he loves me is in the dark when we are lying in bed. The last few times he has said it he is not even looking at me. I hate that the last time we attended MC I did most of the talking because he had nothing to say. I hate that he has yet to answer any of the emails or "assignments" I asked him to do.

The other day he came home and told me he heard OW and a coworker with a desk near his talking about her birthday party. I am sure my H told me because he knows that if he does not disclose moments like these at some point I will ask if he ran into to had to talk to OW. I got a little mad. Not because he told me but because OW is having a grand old time while I am struggling to enjoy a new child and hold my marriage together. I asked him if it bothered him, even a little, that a woman who helped hurt me is doing (at least in appearance) so happily. He said NO. I got even more angry. Then he said it was because he still mainly blamed himself. I guess that was meant to mean something to me but the fact that he can just excuse her role in this angers me. It is almost like he thinks of her as a victim too.

I know my H told me that he started cheating because I seemed so miserable all the time and he felt helpless to cheer me up. To make himself feel better he started focusing on someone who responded to his flirting and flattery, OW, and that made him feel useful and great.
I know I am in a funk. I try to hard everyday to not be as miserable as I feel inside, but I can feel the stitches coming undone. He still seems like he is in such a good mood too. Always laughing and joking, trying to relate to me the way we used to. I feel pressure to respond in kind otherwise it will just go back to when he started cheating on me because he will see that he can not make me happy. I hate him for putting me in this position. Not to mention the fact that he is in such a good mood it starts to worry me that things with OW are in fact still going on and that is where he is suddenly getting this ability to overlook my misery, again.

I feel so alone.I have so much sorrow and anger inside.
Louise,

Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy!!!!

I think that you are forgetting that your body has gone thru a big process and your emotions are all over the place.. the Baby Blues can be mild or rampant.. hits everyone differently..that maybe the cause of your anger and sorrow.

Right now your H is trying to make you happy..joking and making light of any situation.. I would say that this is a normal occurance for the WS.. they really don't have much to say.. they lived the A and it really doesn't affect them in the same way it affects us.. they are sorry, they try to make amends, change their behavior.. but they can NOT go back and undo any of the hurt they caused so they are quiet .. or joking because if you laugh then you are not angry..

Your H is in a good mood because he has a healthy and wonderful son.. he is happy.. he is part of your life..

We can look at the happiness two ways.. one positive the other negative,.. as a BS we tend to see the negatives.. but Your H MAY be happy because you are giving him a second chance.

Please talk to your Dr about your blues..

Right now focus on that beautiful baby boy, kiss him in that wonderfully soft spot below his ear.. focus on getting back on your feet..

((((hugs))))

Pat




"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
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Joined: January 11th, 2008, 9:13 pm

January 8th, 2009, 12:34 am #4

I had my baby 7 days ago. A healthy baby boy. Things have, of course, been busy. My mom is in town to help. So my H is delaying his time off for the baby until she leaves. It was on my suggestion that he do this, but now I am almost sorry I did.

Because of all the hormones etc associated with pregnancy and child birth I am starting to feel like I really don't know what I am feeling. Around Christmas I actually felt I loved my spouse again for the first time in a long time, that I missed him when he would go out to run errands or whatever. We didn't give each other gifts this year, so I know it was not because he did something different or nice, it was just a feeling that started.

Now, however, I feel like I hate him. Really, I am not exaggerating. I hate the way he is always joking and trying to make light of the situation. I hate the way the only time he tells me he loves me is in the dark when we are lying in bed. The last few times he has said it he is not even looking at me. I hate that the last time we attended MC I did most of the talking because he had nothing to say. I hate that he has yet to answer any of the emails or "assignments" I asked him to do.

The other day he came home and told me he heard OW and a coworker with a desk near his talking about her birthday party. I am sure my H told me because he knows that if he does not disclose moments like these at some point I will ask if he ran into to had to talk to OW. I got a little mad. Not because he told me but because OW is having a grand old time while I am struggling to enjoy a new child and hold my marriage together. I asked him if it bothered him, even a little, that a woman who helped hurt me is doing (at least in appearance) so happily. He said NO. I got even more angry. Then he said it was because he still mainly blamed himself. I guess that was meant to mean something to me but the fact that he can just excuse her role in this angers me. It is almost like he thinks of her as a victim too.

I know my H told me that he started cheating because I seemed so miserable all the time and he felt helpless to cheer me up. To make himself feel better he started focusing on someone who responded to his flirting and flattery, OW, and that made him feel useful and great.
I know I am in a funk. I try to hard everyday to not be as miserable as I feel inside, but I can feel the stitches coming undone. He still seems like he is in such a good mood too. Always laughing and joking, trying to relate to me the way we used to. I feel pressure to respond in kind otherwise it will just go back to when he started cheating on me because he will see that he can not make me happy. I hate him for putting me in this position. Not to mention the fact that he is in such a good mood it starts to worry me that things with OW are in fact still going on and that is where he is suddenly getting this ability to overlook my misery, again.

I feel so alone.I have so much sorrow and anger inside.
Congratulations on the new baby. Don't let anything ruin your excitement over your son. Your hormones are going to take you all over the place in your feelings for your H, plus it is completely normal to love/hate your WS even without having just given birth!

Something you wrote hit home:

"I know my H told me that he started cheating because I seemed so miserable all the time and he felt helpless to cheer me up. To make himself feel better he started focusing on someone who responded to his flirting and flattery, OW, and that made him feel useful and great."

This is a similar story to what my H told me was one of his reasons for cheating. I had work problems and I would want to talk to him about it, but I did not want his advice! Just a friendly ear to listen and maybe give me a hug. My H DID NOT GET THAT. He wanted to fix things and when he couldn't, he felt like he was failing somehow. I think many men are like that. They try to fix instead of listen. Try your best to make your H see that.

You said: "I know I am in a funk. I try to hard everyday to not be as miserable as I feel inside, but I can feel the stitches coming undone. He still seems like he is in such a good mood too. I feel pressure to respond in kind otherwise it will just go back to when he started cheating on me because he will see that he can not make me happy."

Again, see if you can explain that first: your hormones are raging and second: you just need him to be there for you.

You said: "Not to mention the fact that he is in such a good mood it starts to worry me that things with OW are in fact still going on and that is where he is suddenly getting this ability to overlook my misery, again."

I don't think so, but maybe you can tell him that this worries you.

Best wishes,
Lynda
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Joined: December 8th, 2004, 5:58 am

January 8th, 2009, 7:28 am #5

I had my baby 7 days ago. A healthy baby boy. Things have, of course, been busy. My mom is in town to help. So my H is delaying his time off for the baby until she leaves. It was on my suggestion that he do this, but now I am almost sorry I did.

Because of all the hormones etc associated with pregnancy and child birth I am starting to feel like I really don't know what I am feeling. Around Christmas I actually felt I loved my spouse again for the first time in a long time, that I missed him when he would go out to run errands or whatever. We didn't give each other gifts this year, so I know it was not because he did something different or nice, it was just a feeling that started.

Now, however, I feel like I hate him. Really, I am not exaggerating. I hate the way he is always joking and trying to make light of the situation. I hate the way the only time he tells me he loves me is in the dark when we are lying in bed. The last few times he has said it he is not even looking at me. I hate that the last time we attended MC I did most of the talking because he had nothing to say. I hate that he has yet to answer any of the emails or "assignments" I asked him to do.

The other day he came home and told me he heard OW and a coworker with a desk near his talking about her birthday party. I am sure my H told me because he knows that if he does not disclose moments like these at some point I will ask if he ran into to had to talk to OW. I got a little mad. Not because he told me but because OW is having a grand old time while I am struggling to enjoy a new child and hold my marriage together. I asked him if it bothered him, even a little, that a woman who helped hurt me is doing (at least in appearance) so happily. He said NO. I got even more angry. Then he said it was because he still mainly blamed himself. I guess that was meant to mean something to me but the fact that he can just excuse her role in this angers me. It is almost like he thinks of her as a victim too.

I know my H told me that he started cheating because I seemed so miserable all the time and he felt helpless to cheer me up. To make himself feel better he started focusing on someone who responded to his flirting and flattery, OW, and that made him feel useful and great.
I know I am in a funk. I try to hard everyday to not be as miserable as I feel inside, but I can feel the stitches coming undone. He still seems like he is in such a good mood too. Always laughing and joking, trying to relate to me the way we used to. I feel pressure to respond in kind otherwise it will just go back to when he started cheating on me because he will see that he can not make me happy. I hate him for putting me in this position. Not to mention the fact that he is in such a good mood it starts to worry me that things with OW are in fact still going on and that is where he is suddenly getting this ability to overlook my misery, again.

I feel so alone.I have so much sorrow and anger inside.
Dear Louise

Congratulations on your new baby. I love the smell and feel and totally bewildered look of tiny babes.

I agree with what Lynda said. My H is also a fixer and thinks when I talk to him it is because I want his advice, assistance, solutions to problems. It's is hard for him to see that I just need an outlet. OW let him "fix" things for her, so he felt good (in reality she probably didn't take any of his advice, but of course she only saw him every three weeks and the rest of the time should could ignore what he told her to do). I think after nearly 6 years of talking about this my H is finally realising that the help I need is just a sympathetic ear, then I will have the strength to deal with whatever myself.

I also understand your frustration with his apparent good mood. My H did this for three years between D-days #1 and #3, before he truly came out of the fog. He tried to make me laugh, he put on his "I'm sorry I'm a bad little boy" act, he behaved to me and all around as if nothing had happened. When challenged he said things like "Do you want me to go out and shoot myself?" and "It's the only way I can get through it," and "I figure if I act like everything is good, sooner or later it will be good." He just didn't see how insulting and frustrating I found it that he was seemingly cheerful and content while I was falling apart.

Finally, yes, he probably does see OW as a victim. My H did this for a long time: felt that he had used her, exploited her, damaged her marriage for his own selfish purposes. He was flagellating himself because of what he'd done to her, and that meant he focussed on her rather than on me. I think his attitude was that he needed to fix OW and then he could sort me out. So I would be a bit wary of that attitude; a major part of my H coming out of the fog was to be able to acknowledge that she contributed equally the the A and was responsible for her own consequences. Not that that absolved him from his own part, but it did let him get beyond her pain and work on our marriage.

Enjoy that babe!

Liz
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