I had my baby 7 days ago. A healthy baby boy. Things have, of course, been busy. My mom is in town to help. So my H is delaying his time off for the baby until she leaves. It was on my suggestion that he do this, but now I am almost sorry I did.
Because of all the hormones etc associated with pregnancy and child birth I am starting to feel like I really don't know what I am feeling. Around Christmas I actually felt I loved my spouse again for the first time in a long time, that I missed him when he would go out to run errands or whatever. We didn't give each other gifts this year, so I know it was not because he did something different or nice, it was just a feeling that started.
Now, however, I feel like I hate him. Really, I am not exaggerating. I hate the way he is always joking and trying to make light of the situation. I hate the way the only time he tells me he loves me is in the dark when we are lying in bed. The last few times he has said it he is not even looking at me. I hate that the last time we attended MC I did most of the talking because he had nothing to say. I hate that he has yet to answer any of the emails or "assignments" I asked him to do.
The other day he came home and told me he heard OW and a coworker with a desk near his talking about her birthday party. I am sure my H told me because he knows that if he does not disclose moments like these at some point I will ask if he ran into to had to talk to OW. I got a little mad. Not because he told me but because OW is having a grand old time while I am struggling to enjoy a new child and hold my marriage together. I asked him if it bothered him, even a little, that a woman who helped hurt me is doing (at least in appearance) so happily. He said NO. I got even more angry. Then he said it was because he still mainly blamed himself. I guess that was meant to mean something to me but the fact that he can just excuse her role in this angers me. It is almost like he thinks of her as a victim too.
I know my H told me that he started cheating because I seemed so miserable all the time and he felt helpless to cheer me up. To make himself feel better he started focusing on someone who responded to his flirting and flattery, OW, and that made him feel useful and great.
I know I am in a funk. I try to hard everyday to not be as miserable as I feel inside, but I can feel the stitches coming undone. He still seems like he is in such a good mood too. Always laughing and joking, trying to relate to me the way we used to. I feel pressure to respond in kind otherwise it will just go back to when he started cheating on me because he will see that he can not make me happy. I hate him for putting me in this position. Not to mention the fact that he is in such a good mood it starts to worry me that things with OW are in fact still going on and that is where he is suddenly getting this ability to overlook my misery, again.
I feel so alone.I have so much sorrow and anger inside.
Congratulations on the birth of your son! I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. But, try to enjoy him! Take lots of pictures and video, you don't want to regret that later on. My Mom became ill a week before and subsequently died 2.5 months after the birth of my last child. It was both a joyous and depressing time for me. So on a smaller scale i can understand what you are going through.
Are you on any medication? You may want to talk to your Dr about some anti-d or anti-anxiety medication. It may take the edge off so you can enjoy this most precious time.
My H is also a joker and wants to laugh and joke around most of the time, instead of being serious. Sometimes I don't even want him to make me smile for fear he will think that I forgive him and all is well. Then at other times it just feels good to laugh at something stupid. It makes me feel like a piece of the old me is in there, somewhere, and that I will eventually be able to get back to being myself. The humor is a mask your H uses to not have to deal with reality.
You are on a rollercoaster, you love him, you hate him, your happy, your depressed..... It is normal, but probably exagerated because of the hormones, as you said.
Since your Mom is in town try to get some time to yourself. Take care of yourself and that baby!