Detective work Pays off

Detective work Pays off

Joined: January 3rd, 2005, 11:49 pm

October 11th, 2010, 2:06 am #1

In my last post I said sometime next week I would find which path I should take and start down the road. A discovery I made 30 minutes ago just made that a certainty. I never believed that my W had given up the drugs, too many things didn't add up. She always went to NA meetings when she had to quit....hasn't done that this time. Stops drinking.... hasn't done that this time. for the last few weeks there have been 2 books of matches on the back of the toilet.....Hmmmm, why would she have matches in the bathroom???? I have been looking for a stash since I told her I wanted a divorce, to no avail, until tonight. I searched the bathroom from bottom to top and found her stash above the shower in a cabinet we don't use because it is too high. I am going to the courthouse and get the papers this week. Movin' Forward and out of neutral. Cal, I thought about you and the choice you husband made (I think it was you, if not I apologize) and I thought that was something my W would not do. Just goes to show ya' never under estimate the addict.

BTW, took pictures of her stash on my cell phone.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
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Joined: May 11th, 2002, 11:45 am

October 11th, 2010, 6:37 pm #2

Thats good you have that picture in case you need it in the future...you should probably print it out or send it to your computer just in case it gets deleted by accident or purposely.

Stay strong.

Labz
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Joined: March 8th, 2007, 2:22 am

October 11th, 2010, 7:24 pm #3

In my last post I said sometime next week I would find which path I should take and start down the road. A discovery I made 30 minutes ago just made that a certainty. I never believed that my W had given up the drugs, too many things didn't add up. She always went to NA meetings when she had to quit....hasn't done that this time. Stops drinking.... hasn't done that this time. for the last few weeks there have been 2 books of matches on the back of the toilet.....Hmmmm, why would she have matches in the bathroom???? I have been looking for a stash since I told her I wanted a divorce, to no avail, until tonight. I searched the bathroom from bottom to top and found her stash above the shower in a cabinet we don't use because it is too high. I am going to the courthouse and get the papers this week. Movin' Forward and out of neutral. Cal, I thought about you and the choice you husband made (I think it was you, if not I apologize) and I thought that was something my W would not do. Just goes to show ya' never under estimate the addict.

BTW, took pictures of her stash on my cell phone.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
Jeff...I went through the same thing. Nothing made sense. Like you I knew, but of course we need physical proof. Like you I found the proof cause addicts lie. The following day I put the drugs on the table and told him he had a choice. He picked up the drugs and never came back. I filed for divorce. It has been 3 years and he still refuses to sign.

Be forwarned. After I found the drugs and he left, he begged me to still try and work things out. They will beg! Dont fall for it. A few months later I found out he had a new OW and had for awhile...that was why he was able to walk away...he had someone waiting. I never understood why he begged for another chance. I dont get it. But unless you are an addict it is hard to understand their thinking. She may still be having A's or ONS's that you may find out about later...it is common but still hurts a LOT! Guard your heart during this process my friend...stay strong! She will pull at your heart strings but it is all an act. Unless she checks into rehab (and even then BE careful) you cannot trust a word she says.

Good luck and (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Last edited by SoCalGal on October 11th, 2010, 7:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: January 3rd, 2005, 11:49 pm

October 11th, 2010, 11:18 pm #4

In my last post I said sometime next week I would find which path I should take and start down the road. A discovery I made 30 minutes ago just made that a certainty. I never believed that my W had given up the drugs, too many things didn't add up. She always went to NA meetings when she had to quit....hasn't done that this time. Stops drinking.... hasn't done that this time. for the last few weeks there have been 2 books of matches on the back of the toilet.....Hmmmm, why would she have matches in the bathroom???? I have been looking for a stash since I told her I wanted a divorce, to no avail, until tonight. I searched the bathroom from bottom to top and found her stash above the shower in a cabinet we don't use because it is too high. I am going to the courthouse and get the papers this week. Movin' Forward and out of neutral. Cal, I thought about you and the choice you husband made (I think it was you, if not I apologize) and I thought that was something my W would not do. Just goes to show ya' never under estimate the addict.

BTW, took pictures of her stash on my cell phone.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
Last night, after our daughter went to bed, I went upstairs and retrieved the drugs from her hiding spot, walked over to her and tossed the bag on the desk. Almost immediately she ask "where did you find that"? I said to her, I don't know, you tell me, and I walked away. she asked me 2 more times as I was walking, then she said that she hadn't smoked in over a month and she would take a p*ss test to prove it and threw the bag at me , hitting me in the back, telling me to get rid of it. Don't worry friend's...I ain't buyin' the story!. I may not have been good at math, but I know when a story doesn't add up. Assuming her story IS true, it has been almost 3 months since I told her I wanted a D and she said she hasn't smoke in over a month, which means she bought more AFTER the D announcement AND she "forgot" that she had more drugs AND where she hid them. She still hasn't gone to an NA meeting. Have also given up the idea of trying to persuade FIL hoping he can talk some sense into her. Printed out the divorce paperwork today and hope to have it filled out mid week. Staying Strong. ((((((HUGS))))))

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
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Joined: March 8th, 2007, 2:22 am

October 12th, 2010, 1:21 am #5

In my last post I said sometime next week I would find which path I should take and start down the road. A discovery I made 30 minutes ago just made that a certainty. I never believed that my W had given up the drugs, too many things didn't add up. She always went to NA meetings when she had to quit....hasn't done that this time. Stops drinking.... hasn't done that this time. for the last few weeks there have been 2 books of matches on the back of the toilet.....Hmmmm, why would she have matches in the bathroom???? I have been looking for a stash since I told her I wanted a divorce, to no avail, until tonight. I searched the bathroom from bottom to top and found her stash above the shower in a cabinet we don't use because it is too high. I am going to the courthouse and get the papers this week. Movin' Forward and out of neutral. Cal, I thought about you and the choice you husband made (I think it was you, if not I apologize) and I thought that was something my W would not do. Just goes to show ya' never under estimate the addict.

BTW, took pictures of her stash on my cell phone.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
Finding the drugs is like having another d-day...it is like finding out your WS is still seeing the OP. My IC used to always say that as long as he is still do drugs he is still cheating on you...the drug is the OW. It is hurtful...I am so sorry.

You are right, your FIL is an enabler and he cannot help you get through to her. Only she can open her eyes for herself, when or if she is ever willing to do so. I am glad you found the courage to stand your ground and not fall for the lies. It isn't easy. We want to believe them, cause we want the marriage to work. But we cannot live in denial forever...nor can we remain in a marriage that is not reciprocal without losing ourselves. Once the blinders come off, it is hard to go back to being blind!

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Last edited by SoCalGal on October 12th, 2010, 1:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: January 3rd, 2005, 11:49 pm

October 12th, 2010, 10:39 pm #6

In my last post I said sometime next week I would find which path I should take and start down the road. A discovery I made 30 minutes ago just made that a certainty. I never believed that my W had given up the drugs, too many things didn't add up. She always went to NA meetings when she had to quit....hasn't done that this time. Stops drinking.... hasn't done that this time. for the last few weeks there have been 2 books of matches on the back of the toilet.....Hmmmm, why would she have matches in the bathroom???? I have been looking for a stash since I told her I wanted a divorce, to no avail, until tonight. I searched the bathroom from bottom to top and found her stash above the shower in a cabinet we don't use because it is too high. I am going to the courthouse and get the papers this week. Movin' Forward and out of neutral. Cal, I thought about you and the choice you husband made (I think it was you, if not I apologize) and I thought that was something my W would not do. Just goes to show ya' never under estimate the addict.

BTW, took pictures of her stash on my cell phone.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
WOW, I never thought of it as another D day, but you are so right. My heart sank when I found out what I had suspected to be true. I felt really bad after confronting her with the drugs and the enabler side of felt bad for prejudging her and thought maybe her story could be true. But then the new me said, yeah right, I know the game now and was able to apply some rational thought to the situation. Couldn't have done that without my friends here. Thank You.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
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Joined: March 8th, 2007, 2:22 am

October 16th, 2010, 12:30 am #7

In my last post I said sometime next week I would find which path I should take and start down the road. A discovery I made 30 minutes ago just made that a certainty. I never believed that my W had given up the drugs, too many things didn't add up. She always went to NA meetings when she had to quit....hasn't done that this time. Stops drinking.... hasn't done that this time. for the last few weeks there have been 2 books of matches on the back of the toilet.....Hmmmm, why would she have matches in the bathroom???? I have been looking for a stash since I told her I wanted a divorce, to no avail, until tonight. I searched the bathroom from bottom to top and found her stash above the shower in a cabinet we don't use because it is too high. I am going to the courthouse and get the papers this week. Movin' Forward and out of neutral. Cal, I thought about you and the choice you husband made (I think it was you, if not I apologize) and I thought that was something my W would not do. Just goes to show ya' never under estimate the addict.

BTW, took pictures of her stash on my cell phone.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
Just wondering if you filled out the paperwork and filed? Also wondering how things are going Jeff?

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
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Joined: January 3rd, 2005, 11:49 pm

October 17th, 2010, 7:45 pm #8

In my last post I said sometime next week I would find which path I should take and start down the road. A discovery I made 30 minutes ago just made that a certainty. I never believed that my W had given up the drugs, too many things didn't add up. She always went to NA meetings when she had to quit....hasn't done that this time. Stops drinking.... hasn't done that this time. for the last few weeks there have been 2 books of matches on the back of the toilet.....Hmmmm, why would she have matches in the bathroom???? I have been looking for a stash since I told her I wanted a divorce, to no avail, until tonight. I searched the bathroom from bottom to top and found her stash above the shower in a cabinet we don't use because it is too high. I am going to the courthouse and get the papers this week. Movin' Forward and out of neutral. Cal, I thought about you and the choice you husband made (I think it was you, if not I apologize) and I thought that was something my W would not do. Just goes to show ya' never under estimate the addict.

BTW, took pictures of her stash on my cell phone.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
God, this is so much harder than I thought it would be. I started filling out the paperwork but I just cant seem to be able to finish it. This is so contrary to everything I wanted...I know it needs to be done. Further complicating matters, our 21st anniversary is November 3rd, a little over 2 weeks away.
She hasn't gone for a drug test yet like she said she was willing to do. Don't expect to see one either.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
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Joined: March 8th, 2007, 2:22 am

October 18th, 2010, 12:02 am #9

In my last post I said sometime next week I would find which path I should take and start down the road. A discovery I made 30 minutes ago just made that a certainty. I never believed that my W had given up the drugs, too many things didn't add up. She always went to NA meetings when she had to quit....hasn't done that this time. Stops drinking.... hasn't done that this time. for the last few weeks there have been 2 books of matches on the back of the toilet.....Hmmmm, why would she have matches in the bathroom???? I have been looking for a stash since I told her I wanted a divorce, to no avail, until tonight. I searched the bathroom from bottom to top and found her stash above the shower in a cabinet we don't use because it is too high. I am going to the courthouse and get the papers this week. Movin' Forward and out of neutral. Cal, I thought about you and the choice you husband made (I think it was you, if not I apologize) and I thought that was something my W would not do. Just goes to show ya' never under estimate the addict.

BTW, took pictures of her stash on my cell phone.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
Jeff...she hasnt gone because she isnt going to pass. After a few weeks the drug will not show up in her urine if she temporarily sustains from use. If she uses some of those "clean urine" formulas you can get at health food stores and online it may not show up after a few days according the products promise. Time is important and she is well aware. She is waiting cause it suits her and she knows you it will be too late, unless you have her hair tested. Much more costly! Plus, you are still there and you have not filed. Jeff, I am sorry but at this point you are making matters worse. If you do not follow through with your threats then you are nothing but a doormat in her eyes. And as i have told you before, never ever make a threat or give her an ultimatum unless you are willing and able to follow through with it...it only does more damage. If you are not ready that is fine, but then do not threaten. we are ready when we are ready...

When my exWH was lying to me I also tested his urine at home against his knowledge. He had a bad habit of not flushing the toilet in the mornings. Urine is at it's strongest in the morning, and even with all the water in the bowl he tested positive every time! when confronted he said the tests were wrong...hows that for denial?

BTW: You can buy dipstick tests online Jeff, no need to wait for her to go! Keep some onhand incase there's a next time!

{sending prayers of strength your way Jeff}

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
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Joined: March 8th, 2005, 10:14 pm

October 18th, 2010, 1:58 am #10

In my last post I said sometime next week I would find which path I should take and start down the road. A discovery I made 30 minutes ago just made that a certainty. I never believed that my W had given up the drugs, too many things didn't add up. She always went to NA meetings when she had to quit....hasn't done that this time. Stops drinking.... hasn't done that this time. for the last few weeks there have been 2 books of matches on the back of the toilet.....Hmmmm, why would she have matches in the bathroom???? I have been looking for a stash since I told her I wanted a divorce, to no avail, until tonight. I searched the bathroom from bottom to top and found her stash above the shower in a cabinet we don't use because it is too high. I am going to the courthouse and get the papers this week. Movin' Forward and out of neutral. Cal, I thought about you and the choice you husband made (I think it was you, if not I apologize) and I thought that was something my W would not do. Just goes to show ya' never under estimate the addict.

BTW, took pictures of her stash on my cell phone.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back
Jeff, you said:

"our 21st anniversary is November 3rd, a little over 2 weeks away"

- this is an obstacle for you, but you WILL look back once you push yourself over the hump of ending it, and be glad you did. And, like several others of us here, the worst thing is that your marriage IS already over, it's only alive in your mind as a kind of ghost of hopes and expectations. Once you can face that and go onward you will feel a thousand times better.

Trust me - I staggered at the 16 year mark, took WH back, and finally after 20 years and a few months more of the same old stuff, saw that enough was enough.

You'll feel better about yourself once you're past the point of taking definitive action. You just HAVE to make yourself do it. Get all the help you need for this but, for your own sanity and self respect, DO IT..

Best, C
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