Can this be happening?

Can this be happening?

Joined: May 10th, 2012, 10:49 pm

May 10th, 2012, 11:53 pm #1

Hello all,

After finding about my WH A with a friends 21 y/o daughter I felt like my world was ending. My H and I have been together for 18 years and married for 15. I am 40 and he is 42. We are both attractive and fit. Although I could lose 15#. We have a 10 y/o daughter. Last Aug my friends daughter moved in with us do to family problems. It was not long before I realized they were getting very friendly and close. He started taking her with him out of town for IT work. He is an independent IT consultant in another city 200 plus miles away. 4 years ago we moved here to have a better life and he continued to commute 2-3 days a week. We have had issues for the past 2 years or so, I was often bitter and resentful that he got to go away and work and felt trapped so to speak here with our daughter. Before this our life has been wonderful, he was extremely supportive and our love life was stellar. He is also a wonderful dad. I always thought that we were soul mates and had a very special connection.

When the OW (girl in this case) moved in, I thought it would ok, we both have known her since she was a little girl. After 2 months or so of H growing distant and spending time having drinks with OW on our back porch way after I went to bed, my gut was saying "WAKE UP". Last October I took her phone and almost fainted..... There were several text from H vowing that he loved her and could not wait for their next trip to City.... It was on the morning of a planned trip to a client in another state that I found out. I walked into our bedroom and told my H that he and the OW had to leave immediately. While they were collecting stuff to leave I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and sat in my car in a parking lot and smoked 10 right in a row. I had quit for several years before this.....

Through out the next two days, my H texted and pleaded and said he was sorry. When it was time for him to come back he said he was scared and maybe should stay away. I freaked, I couldn't believe I wanted him to come home still. She had to come as there was no where else for her to go. Her Family lived 300 miles away. In the coming months he went back and forth between me and her while she lived in our home. He even got an apartment in our old city, she was with him when they picked it out. I had in the past suggested an apartment because of the nature of his job, little did I know it would be for the OW. She moved out 2 1/2 months after to her Grandmothers house. All through the holidays he took her to the apartment and came home on weekends to see our daughter. I would drink too much and rage all over the house and let it all out on him. At the end of January of this year he came home and said he was so sorry for all of the horrible things he had done and wanted to be with me. From Jan - March we were trying to make it work... then she started texting him again and in April he called me from the road and said he had decided to take her with him.... I lost it. He said that he had to prove to himself that he could be around OW and just have a friendly working relationship..... WTF!!!! They were gone for 5 days. He came home that Friday and of course you can imagine how many things got broken (Me breaking them) and how much foul language was used. My daughter was away over night thank god.

Tomorrow makes the 4th week in a row that he has chosen to take her against my wishes. Last weekend he came home and said he wanted to talk, I was nervous because I thought he wanted out. The talk was a bunch of BS about how I need to chill and let the A fizzle on it's own. The OW refuses to give him up. He said he still loves me but knows that over the past few years we have drifted apart, but he blames only himself for the A.

It was then that I decided to do a 180, and have NC. Before I would email 100x a week expressing my pain and anger. I sent him one final email and stated that I no longer wanted the drunken (my part) volatile fights and that I still loved him deeply but our marriage is on hold until he can figure out if I am the only one he wants. This week he has sent me emails telling me he misses home and me. I remained quiet. Tomorrow is my Birthday and he is due home. I am so depressed but feel stronger than I have in a long time. I refuse to give anymore ultimatums, he knows where I stand and I refuse to sink further into the rabbit hole and lose myself. I am a mother and right now and forever that is my most important job. I do wish he would wake up and see how beautiful we were and can still be.

I just want to hear from all of you out there your honest opinion and words of encouragement.


Heartbroken in the Country!!!!

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Joined: April 23rd, 2003, 2:43 pm

May 11th, 2012, 2:53 am #2

I am so sorry...
Keep doing the 180.. Your H is still in la la land...he will wake up soon but you need to stand strong..

happy birthday!,,, focus on you and your daughter...
Sorry this is short poor Internet connection..

Hugs,
Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
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Joined: April 9th, 2007, 2:36 pm

May 11th, 2012, 3:04 am #3

Hello all,

After finding about my WH A with a friends 21 y/o daughter I felt like my world was ending. My H and I have been together for 18 years and married for 15. I am 40 and he is 42. We are both attractive and fit. Although I could lose 15#. We have a 10 y/o daughter. Last Aug my friends daughter moved in with us do to family problems. It was not long before I realized they were getting very friendly and close. He started taking her with him out of town for IT work. He is an independent IT consultant in another city 200 plus miles away. 4 years ago we moved here to have a better life and he continued to commute 2-3 days a week. We have had issues for the past 2 years or so, I was often bitter and resentful that he got to go away and work and felt trapped so to speak here with our daughter. Before this our life has been wonderful, he was extremely supportive and our love life was stellar. He is also a wonderful dad. I always thought that we were soul mates and had a very special connection.

When the OW (girl in this case) moved in, I thought it would ok, we both have known her since she was a little girl. After 2 months or so of H growing distant and spending time having drinks with OW on our back porch way after I went to bed, my gut was saying "WAKE UP". Last October I took her phone and almost fainted..... There were several text from H vowing that he loved her and could not wait for their next trip to City.... It was on the morning of a planned trip to a client in another state that I found out. I walked into our bedroom and told my H that he and the OW had to leave immediately. While they were collecting stuff to leave I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and sat in my car in a parking lot and smoked 10 right in a row. I had quit for several years before this.....

Through out the next two days, my H texted and pleaded and said he was sorry. When it was time for him to come back he said he was scared and maybe should stay away. I freaked, I couldn't believe I wanted him to come home still. She had to come as there was no where else for her to go. Her Family lived 300 miles away. In the coming months he went back and forth between me and her while she lived in our home. He even got an apartment in our old city, she was with him when they picked it out. I had in the past suggested an apartment because of the nature of his job, little did I know it would be for the OW. She moved out 2 1/2 months after to her Grandmothers house. All through the holidays he took her to the apartment and came home on weekends to see our daughter. I would drink too much and rage all over the house and let it all out on him. At the end of January of this year he came home and said he was so sorry for all of the horrible things he had done and wanted to be with me. From Jan - March we were trying to make it work... then she started texting him again and in April he called me from the road and said he had decided to take her with him.... I lost it. He said that he had to prove to himself that he could be around OW and just have a friendly working relationship..... WTF!!!! They were gone for 5 days. He came home that Friday and of course you can imagine how many things got broken (Me breaking them) and how much foul language was used. My daughter was away over night thank god.

Tomorrow makes the 4th week in a row that he has chosen to take her against my wishes. Last weekend he came home and said he wanted to talk, I was nervous because I thought he wanted out. The talk was a bunch of BS about how I need to chill and let the A fizzle on it's own. The OW refuses to give him up. He said he still loves me but knows that over the past few years we have drifted apart, but he blames only himself for the A.

It was then that I decided to do a 180, and have NC. Before I would email 100x a week expressing my pain and anger. I sent him one final email and stated that I no longer wanted the drunken (my part) volatile fights and that I still loved him deeply but our marriage is on hold until he can figure out if I am the only one he wants. This week he has sent me emails telling me he misses home and me. I remained quiet. Tomorrow is my Birthday and he is due home. I am so depressed but feel stronger than I have in a long time. I refuse to give anymore ultimatums, he knows where I stand and I refuse to sink further into the rabbit hole and lose myself. I am a mother and right now and forever that is my most important job. I do wish he would wake up and see how beautiful we were and can still be.

I just want to hear from all of you out there your honest opinion and words of encouragement.


Heartbroken in the Country!!!!
I am so sorry this is happening. Truly! I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are going thru. Not only have you been betrayed by your husband, but also by this girl who you took in and gave a home. I am in awe of you that you have been able deal with this at all.

I am just so sorry.

Blessings
naomi

Please continue to post here, so that maybe some can you give good advise, counsel and encouragement. And if for no other reason, you have a place where you can vent and people not only understand what you are feeling and going thru, but they can empathize with you as well..
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Joined: August 23rd, 2011, 4:50 am

May 11th, 2012, 5:01 am #4

Hello all,

After finding about my WH A with a friends 21 y/o daughter I felt like my world was ending. My H and I have been together for 18 years and married for 15. I am 40 and he is 42. We are both attractive and fit. Although I could lose 15#. We have a 10 y/o daughter. Last Aug my friends daughter moved in with us do to family problems. It was not long before I realized they were getting very friendly and close. He started taking her with him out of town for IT work. He is an independent IT consultant in another city 200 plus miles away. 4 years ago we moved here to have a better life and he continued to commute 2-3 days a week. We have had issues for the past 2 years or so, I was often bitter and resentful that he got to go away and work and felt trapped so to speak here with our daughter. Before this our life has been wonderful, he was extremely supportive and our love life was stellar. He is also a wonderful dad. I always thought that we were soul mates and had a very special connection.

When the OW (girl in this case) moved in, I thought it would ok, we both have known her since she was a little girl. After 2 months or so of H growing distant and spending time having drinks with OW on our back porch way after I went to bed, my gut was saying "WAKE UP". Last October I took her phone and almost fainted..... There were several text from H vowing that he loved her and could not wait for their next trip to City.... It was on the morning of a planned trip to a client in another state that I found out. I walked into our bedroom and told my H that he and the OW had to leave immediately. While they were collecting stuff to leave I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and sat in my car in a parking lot and smoked 10 right in a row. I had quit for several years before this.....

Through out the next two days, my H texted and pleaded and said he was sorry. When it was time for him to come back he said he was scared and maybe should stay away. I freaked, I couldn't believe I wanted him to come home still. She had to come as there was no where else for her to go. Her Family lived 300 miles away. In the coming months he went back and forth between me and her while she lived in our home. He even got an apartment in our old city, she was with him when they picked it out. I had in the past suggested an apartment because of the nature of his job, little did I know it would be for the OW. She moved out 2 1/2 months after to her Grandmothers house. All through the holidays he took her to the apartment and came home on weekends to see our daughter. I would drink too much and rage all over the house and let it all out on him. At the end of January of this year he came home and said he was so sorry for all of the horrible things he had done and wanted to be with me. From Jan - March we were trying to make it work... then she started texting him again and in April he called me from the road and said he had decided to take her with him.... I lost it. He said that he had to prove to himself that he could be around OW and just have a friendly working relationship..... WTF!!!! They were gone for 5 days. He came home that Friday and of course you can imagine how many things got broken (Me breaking them) and how much foul language was used. My daughter was away over night thank god.

Tomorrow makes the 4th week in a row that he has chosen to take her against my wishes. Last weekend he came home and said he wanted to talk, I was nervous because I thought he wanted out. The talk was a bunch of BS about how I need to chill and let the A fizzle on it's own. The OW refuses to give him up. He said he still loves me but knows that over the past few years we have drifted apart, but he blames only himself for the A.

It was then that I decided to do a 180, and have NC. Before I would email 100x a week expressing my pain and anger. I sent him one final email and stated that I no longer wanted the drunken (my part) volatile fights and that I still loved him deeply but our marriage is on hold until he can figure out if I am the only one he wants. This week he has sent me emails telling me he misses home and me. I remained quiet. Tomorrow is my Birthday and he is due home. I am so depressed but feel stronger than I have in a long time. I refuse to give anymore ultimatums, he knows where I stand and I refuse to sink further into the rabbit hole and lose myself. I am a mother and right now and forever that is my most important job. I do wish he would wake up and see how beautiful we were and can still be.

I just want to hear from all of you out there your honest opinion and words of encouragement.


Heartbroken in the Country!!!!
Hi TAV,

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. It's an unbelievable story and the courage you have shown is remarkable. I agree, the only way to go is the 180 and stick to it.

It's so hard to imagine your WH doing this to you with someone you took into help. All you can do now is concentrate on yourself and your little girl. Put all your focus on that and also continue to come to HH as their is no better place in this world for advice for people who have been in your shoes. They also truly care about you, will look out for you and always be there for you.

Hugs and Blessings,

Linda
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Joined: May 10th, 2012, 10:49 pm

May 11th, 2012, 8:56 pm #5

Hello all,

After finding about my WH A with a friends 21 y/o daughter I felt like my world was ending. My H and I have been together for 18 years and married for 15. I am 40 and he is 42. We are both attractive and fit. Although I could lose 15#. We have a 10 y/o daughter. Last Aug my friends daughter moved in with us do to family problems. It was not long before I realized they were getting very friendly and close. He started taking her with him out of town for IT work. He is an independent IT consultant in another city 200 plus miles away. 4 years ago we moved here to have a better life and he continued to commute 2-3 days a week. We have had issues for the past 2 years or so, I was often bitter and resentful that he got to go away and work and felt trapped so to speak here with our daughter. Before this our life has been wonderful, he was extremely supportive and our love life was stellar. He is also a wonderful dad. I always thought that we were soul mates and had a very special connection.

When the OW (girl in this case) moved in, I thought it would ok, we both have known her since she was a little girl. After 2 months or so of H growing distant and spending time having drinks with OW on our back porch way after I went to bed, my gut was saying "WAKE UP". Last October I took her phone and almost fainted..... There were several text from H vowing that he loved her and could not wait for their next trip to City.... It was on the morning of a planned trip to a client in another state that I found out. I walked into our bedroom and told my H that he and the OW had to leave immediately. While they were collecting stuff to leave I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and sat in my car in a parking lot and smoked 10 right in a row. I had quit for several years before this.....

Through out the next two days, my H texted and pleaded and said he was sorry. When it was time for him to come back he said he was scared and maybe should stay away. I freaked, I couldn't believe I wanted him to come home still. She had to come as there was no where else for her to go. Her Family lived 300 miles away. In the coming months he went back and forth between me and her while she lived in our home. He even got an apartment in our old city, she was with him when they picked it out. I had in the past suggested an apartment because of the nature of his job, little did I know it would be for the OW. She moved out 2 1/2 months after to her Grandmothers house. All through the holidays he took her to the apartment and came home on weekends to see our daughter. I would drink too much and rage all over the house and let it all out on him. At the end of January of this year he came home and said he was so sorry for all of the horrible things he had done and wanted to be with me. From Jan - March we were trying to make it work... then she started texting him again and in April he called me from the road and said he had decided to take her with him.... I lost it. He said that he had to prove to himself that he could be around OW and just have a friendly working relationship..... WTF!!!! They were gone for 5 days. He came home that Friday and of course you can imagine how many things got broken (Me breaking them) and how much foul language was used. My daughter was away over night thank god.

Tomorrow makes the 4th week in a row that he has chosen to take her against my wishes. Last weekend he came home and said he wanted to talk, I was nervous because I thought he wanted out. The talk was a bunch of BS about how I need to chill and let the A fizzle on it's own. The OW refuses to give him up. He said he still loves me but knows that over the past few years we have drifted apart, but he blames only himself for the A.

It was then that I decided to do a 180, and have NC. Before I would email 100x a week expressing my pain and anger. I sent him one final email and stated that I no longer wanted the drunken (my part) volatile fights and that I still loved him deeply but our marriage is on hold until he can figure out if I am the only one he wants. This week he has sent me emails telling me he misses home and me. I remained quiet. Tomorrow is my Birthday and he is due home. I am so depressed but feel stronger than I have in a long time. I refuse to give anymore ultimatums, he knows where I stand and I refuse to sink further into the rabbit hole and lose myself. I am a mother and right now and forever that is my most important job. I do wish he would wake up and see how beautiful we were and can still be.

I just want to hear from all of you out there your honest opinion and words of encouragement.


Heartbroken in the Country!!!!
Thanks So Much Ladies for your words of encouragement, it means so much to know I am not alone.

Well it's my birthday and guess what WH has decided to stay in the city with the OW...... He called a little while ago and made excuses about why he couldn't make it..... I told him calmly that it was his choice..... and then I hung up the phone and cried my eye's out.

I felt so strong all week, this has never happened before, he always comes home on Friday. I guess the fog has really messed up his brain and conscious for that matter. It is not that I expected things to be different, but maybe I still hold onto a little hope each time he comes home....


I guess I will for go the cake since my husband is already eating his.
it will be a movie night in bed with my daughter, she always makes me happy.



Heartbroken and a year older in the country!!!!!
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Joined: December 29th, 2004, 9:58 pm

May 11th, 2012, 9:05 pm #6

Hello all,

After finding about my WH A with a friends 21 y/o daughter I felt like my world was ending. My H and I have been together for 18 years and married for 15. I am 40 and he is 42. We are both attractive and fit. Although I could lose 15#. We have a 10 y/o daughter. Last Aug my friends daughter moved in with us do to family problems. It was not long before I realized they were getting very friendly and close. He started taking her with him out of town for IT work. He is an independent IT consultant in another city 200 plus miles away. 4 years ago we moved here to have a better life and he continued to commute 2-3 days a week. We have had issues for the past 2 years or so, I was often bitter and resentful that he got to go away and work and felt trapped so to speak here with our daughter. Before this our life has been wonderful, he was extremely supportive and our love life was stellar. He is also a wonderful dad. I always thought that we were soul mates and had a very special connection.

When the OW (girl in this case) moved in, I thought it would ok, we both have known her since she was a little girl. After 2 months or so of H growing distant and spending time having drinks with OW on our back porch way after I went to bed, my gut was saying "WAKE UP". Last October I took her phone and almost fainted..... There were several text from H vowing that he loved her and could not wait for their next trip to City.... It was on the morning of a planned trip to a client in another state that I found out. I walked into our bedroom and told my H that he and the OW had to leave immediately. While they were collecting stuff to leave I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and sat in my car in a parking lot and smoked 10 right in a row. I had quit for several years before this.....

Through out the next two days, my H texted and pleaded and said he was sorry. When it was time for him to come back he said he was scared and maybe should stay away. I freaked, I couldn't believe I wanted him to come home still. She had to come as there was no where else for her to go. Her Family lived 300 miles away. In the coming months he went back and forth between me and her while she lived in our home. He even got an apartment in our old city, she was with him when they picked it out. I had in the past suggested an apartment because of the nature of his job, little did I know it would be for the OW. She moved out 2 1/2 months after to her Grandmothers house. All through the holidays he took her to the apartment and came home on weekends to see our daughter. I would drink too much and rage all over the house and let it all out on him. At the end of January of this year he came home and said he was so sorry for all of the horrible things he had done and wanted to be with me. From Jan - March we were trying to make it work... then she started texting him again and in April he called me from the road and said he had decided to take her with him.... I lost it. He said that he had to prove to himself that he could be around OW and just have a friendly working relationship..... WTF!!!! They were gone for 5 days. He came home that Friday and of course you can imagine how many things got broken (Me breaking them) and how much foul language was used. My daughter was away over night thank god.

Tomorrow makes the 4th week in a row that he has chosen to take her against my wishes. Last weekend he came home and said he wanted to talk, I was nervous because I thought he wanted out. The talk was a bunch of BS about how I need to chill and let the A fizzle on it's own. The OW refuses to give him up. He said he still loves me but knows that over the past few years we have drifted apart, but he blames only himself for the A.

It was then that I decided to do a 180, and have NC. Before I would email 100x a week expressing my pain and anger. I sent him one final email and stated that I no longer wanted the drunken (my part) volatile fights and that I still loved him deeply but our marriage is on hold until he can figure out if I am the only one he wants. This week he has sent me emails telling me he misses home and me. I remained quiet. Tomorrow is my Birthday and he is due home. I am so depressed but feel stronger than I have in a long time. I refuse to give anymore ultimatums, he knows where I stand and I refuse to sink further into the rabbit hole and lose myself. I am a mother and right now and forever that is my most important job. I do wish he would wake up and see how beautiful we were and can still be.

I just want to hear from all of you out there your honest opinion and words of encouragement.


Heartbroken in the Country!!!!
TAV,

I am so sorry. Keep up with the 180. May I suggest three actions for you: find an IC experienced in dealing with infidelity, get tested for stds, and talk to an attorney about your rights. You don't have to tell your H or file for a legal separation, but knowing your legal rights can help you feel empowered. You might ask the attorney about filing for child support because if OW were to get pregnant (heaven forbid!) and filed for child support before you did, she could get more money for her child than you would for yours simply by filing before you. Courts don't take into account that one child is from a marriage and the other isn't.

So sorry you are going through this pain and huge hugs to you,

ff
Last edited by fairyfriend on May 11th, 2012, 9:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: August 23rd, 2011, 4:50 am

May 12th, 2012, 3:49 am #7

Hello all,

After finding about my WH A with a friends 21 y/o daughter I felt like my world was ending. My H and I have been together for 18 years and married for 15. I am 40 and he is 42. We are both attractive and fit. Although I could lose 15#. We have a 10 y/o daughter. Last Aug my friends daughter moved in with us do to family problems. It was not long before I realized they were getting very friendly and close. He started taking her with him out of town for IT work. He is an independent IT consultant in another city 200 plus miles away. 4 years ago we moved here to have a better life and he continued to commute 2-3 days a week. We have had issues for the past 2 years or so, I was often bitter and resentful that he got to go away and work and felt trapped so to speak here with our daughter. Before this our life has been wonderful, he was extremely supportive and our love life was stellar. He is also a wonderful dad. I always thought that we were soul mates and had a very special connection.

When the OW (girl in this case) moved in, I thought it would ok, we both have known her since she was a little girl. After 2 months or so of H growing distant and spending time having drinks with OW on our back porch way after I went to bed, my gut was saying "WAKE UP". Last October I took her phone and almost fainted..... There were several text from H vowing that he loved her and could not wait for their next trip to City.... It was on the morning of a planned trip to a client in another state that I found out. I walked into our bedroom and told my H that he and the OW had to leave immediately. While they were collecting stuff to leave I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and sat in my car in a parking lot and smoked 10 right in a row. I had quit for several years before this.....

Through out the next two days, my H texted and pleaded and said he was sorry. When it was time for him to come back he said he was scared and maybe should stay away. I freaked, I couldn't believe I wanted him to come home still. She had to come as there was no where else for her to go. Her Family lived 300 miles away. In the coming months he went back and forth between me and her while she lived in our home. He even got an apartment in our old city, she was with him when they picked it out. I had in the past suggested an apartment because of the nature of his job, little did I know it would be for the OW. She moved out 2 1/2 months after to her Grandmothers house. All through the holidays he took her to the apartment and came home on weekends to see our daughter. I would drink too much and rage all over the house and let it all out on him. At the end of January of this year he came home and said he was so sorry for all of the horrible things he had done and wanted to be with me. From Jan - March we were trying to make it work... then she started texting him again and in April he called me from the road and said he had decided to take her with him.... I lost it. He said that he had to prove to himself that he could be around OW and just have a friendly working relationship..... WTF!!!! They were gone for 5 days. He came home that Friday and of course you can imagine how many things got broken (Me breaking them) and how much foul language was used. My daughter was away over night thank god.

Tomorrow makes the 4th week in a row that he has chosen to take her against my wishes. Last weekend he came home and said he wanted to talk, I was nervous because I thought he wanted out. The talk was a bunch of BS about how I need to chill and let the A fizzle on it's own. The OW refuses to give him up. He said he still loves me but knows that over the past few years we have drifted apart, but he blames only himself for the A.

It was then that I decided to do a 180, and have NC. Before I would email 100x a week expressing my pain and anger. I sent him one final email and stated that I no longer wanted the drunken (my part) volatile fights and that I still loved him deeply but our marriage is on hold until he can figure out if I am the only one he wants. This week he has sent me emails telling me he misses home and me. I remained quiet. Tomorrow is my Birthday and he is due home. I am so depressed but feel stronger than I have in a long time. I refuse to give anymore ultimatums, he knows where I stand and I refuse to sink further into the rabbit hole and lose myself. I am a mother and right now and forever that is my most important job. I do wish he would wake up and see how beautiful we were and can still be.

I just want to hear from all of you out there your honest opinion and words of encouragement.


Heartbroken in the Country!!!!
TAV,

I agree with ff on everything she is suggesting to you. You have to protect your daughter, first and foremost. ff thought of some very good things for you to go ahead and do to protect you and her.

I don't honestly see how you have been so patient to put up with all that you have put up with. What a cruel thing to do on your birthday. I say, let him stay there, they deserve each other and you deserve so much more.

Hang in there and continue the 180, you'll get through this and give that sweet daughter of yours and extra hug for me and keep one for yourself.

Hugs,

Linda
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Joined: May 10th, 2012, 10:49 pm

May 12th, 2012, 1:05 pm #8

Hello all,

After finding about my WH A with a friends 21 y/o daughter I felt like my world was ending. My H and I have been together for 18 years and married for 15. I am 40 and he is 42. We are both attractive and fit. Although I could lose 15#. We have a 10 y/o daughter. Last Aug my friends daughter moved in with us do to family problems. It was not long before I realized they were getting very friendly and close. He started taking her with him out of town for IT work. He is an independent IT consultant in another city 200 plus miles away. 4 years ago we moved here to have a better life and he continued to commute 2-3 days a week. We have had issues for the past 2 years or so, I was often bitter and resentful that he got to go away and work and felt trapped so to speak here with our daughter. Before this our life has been wonderful, he was extremely supportive and our love life was stellar. He is also a wonderful dad. I always thought that we were soul mates and had a very special connection.

When the OW (girl in this case) moved in, I thought it would ok, we both have known her since she was a little girl. After 2 months or so of H growing distant and spending time having drinks with OW on our back porch way after I went to bed, my gut was saying "WAKE UP". Last October I took her phone and almost fainted..... There were several text from H vowing that he loved her and could not wait for their next trip to City.... It was on the morning of a planned trip to a client in another state that I found out. I walked into our bedroom and told my H that he and the OW had to leave immediately. While they were collecting stuff to leave I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and sat in my car in a parking lot and smoked 10 right in a row. I had quit for several years before this.....

Through out the next two days, my H texted and pleaded and said he was sorry. When it was time for him to come back he said he was scared and maybe should stay away. I freaked, I couldn't believe I wanted him to come home still. She had to come as there was no where else for her to go. Her Family lived 300 miles away. In the coming months he went back and forth between me and her while she lived in our home. He even got an apartment in our old city, she was with him when they picked it out. I had in the past suggested an apartment because of the nature of his job, little did I know it would be for the OW. She moved out 2 1/2 months after to her Grandmothers house. All through the holidays he took her to the apartment and came home on weekends to see our daughter. I would drink too much and rage all over the house and let it all out on him. At the end of January of this year he came home and said he was so sorry for all of the horrible things he had done and wanted to be with me. From Jan - March we were trying to make it work... then she started texting him again and in April he called me from the road and said he had decided to take her with him.... I lost it. He said that he had to prove to himself that he could be around OW and just have a friendly working relationship..... WTF!!!! They were gone for 5 days. He came home that Friday and of course you can imagine how many things got broken (Me breaking them) and how much foul language was used. My daughter was away over night thank god.

Tomorrow makes the 4th week in a row that he has chosen to take her against my wishes. Last weekend he came home and said he wanted to talk, I was nervous because I thought he wanted out. The talk was a bunch of BS about how I need to chill and let the A fizzle on it's own. The OW refuses to give him up. He said he still loves me but knows that over the past few years we have drifted apart, but he blames only himself for the A.

It was then that I decided to do a 180, and have NC. Before I would email 100x a week expressing my pain and anger. I sent him one final email and stated that I no longer wanted the drunken (my part) volatile fights and that I still loved him deeply but our marriage is on hold until he can figure out if I am the only one he wants. This week he has sent me emails telling me he misses home and me. I remained quiet. Tomorrow is my Birthday and he is due home. I am so depressed but feel stronger than I have in a long time. I refuse to give anymore ultimatums, he knows where I stand and I refuse to sink further into the rabbit hole and lose myself. I am a mother and right now and forever that is my most important job. I do wish he would wake up and see how beautiful we were and can still be.

I just want to hear from all of you out there your honest opinion and words of encouragement.


Heartbroken in the Country!!!!
I want to thank you FairyFriend, your advice is hard to swallow but good. I think that during this whole thing I never allowed the words IC or MC or Divorce in my brain. Not because I don't think they could help but probably because of denial and fear of the unknown...

The most amazing thing happened last night, at about almost 10pm my H pulled in the driveway...... I was shocked. He said that he did want to come home and really did have a work problem. Took care of it and headed home. I said why didn't you tell me and he said "the way you sounded on the phone, made me sad and I just wanted to get there".......Also not sure if I stated that earlier that day he said he did really miss us and was not having the great time that I thought he was.... Does this mean that he is coming back around or "Out of the Fog" ?

Through out all of this I have grown closer to God, I give credit to God for my patience and grace. I grew up going to church but left it behind as an adult, it is not that I am a Non-believer or anything I just don't feel comfortable in church.

After he came in he asked me to watch one of our favorite shows, it was nice but not a reapair. He said that he wanted to take me and our Daughter out today to have fun for my B-day and Mother's Day.... I did sleep on the couch (my choice).

I am confused and don't want to backslide and beg him not to do anything else with the OW . I feel like this is his choice and he should be able to come to me and ask to rebuild and come back together.

During our 18 years we have had joy and hardship but we always remained as one, I am so stunned that this could even happen to us, I feel like he is lost and not the guy I fell in love with.

Am I making a mistake to keep the hope burning even if it is only on the inside and not reflected by my outward displays?

I just don't want to be courted and flirted with only to end up in a pile of tears when he leaves again and decides to take her with him....

PS: Regarding the STDs, I only use condoms for BC and our lovelife has been extremely dry. But I do have a gyn appt. coming up. My only problem is that I live in a very small town and am community friends with the Doc. This would be too revealing.... I guess I should go to another town?

Hopeful in the Country!!!!!

Last edited by swedishhill on May 12th, 2012, 1:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: December 1st, 2011, 6:59 pm

May 12th, 2012, 9:23 pm #9

Hello all,

After finding about my WH A with a friends 21 y/o daughter I felt like my world was ending. My H and I have been together for 18 years and married for 15. I am 40 and he is 42. We are both attractive and fit. Although I could lose 15#. We have a 10 y/o daughter. Last Aug my friends daughter moved in with us do to family problems. It was not long before I realized they were getting very friendly and close. He started taking her with him out of town for IT work. He is an independent IT consultant in another city 200 plus miles away. 4 years ago we moved here to have a better life and he continued to commute 2-3 days a week. We have had issues for the past 2 years or so, I was often bitter and resentful that he got to go away and work and felt trapped so to speak here with our daughter. Before this our life has been wonderful, he was extremely supportive and our love life was stellar. He is also a wonderful dad. I always thought that we were soul mates and had a very special connection.

When the OW (girl in this case) moved in, I thought it would ok, we both have known her since she was a little girl. After 2 months or so of H growing distant and spending time having drinks with OW on our back porch way after I went to bed, my gut was saying "WAKE UP". Last October I took her phone and almost fainted..... There were several text from H vowing that he loved her and could not wait for their next trip to City.... It was on the morning of a planned trip to a client in another state that I found out. I walked into our bedroom and told my H that he and the OW had to leave immediately. While they were collecting stuff to leave I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and sat in my car in a parking lot and smoked 10 right in a row. I had quit for several years before this.....

Through out the next two days, my H texted and pleaded and said he was sorry. When it was time for him to come back he said he was scared and maybe should stay away. I freaked, I couldn't believe I wanted him to come home still. She had to come as there was no where else for her to go. Her Family lived 300 miles away. In the coming months he went back and forth between me and her while she lived in our home. He even got an apartment in our old city, she was with him when they picked it out. I had in the past suggested an apartment because of the nature of his job, little did I know it would be for the OW. She moved out 2 1/2 months after to her Grandmothers house. All through the holidays he took her to the apartment and came home on weekends to see our daughter. I would drink too much and rage all over the house and let it all out on him. At the end of January of this year he came home and said he was so sorry for all of the horrible things he had done and wanted to be with me. From Jan - March we were trying to make it work... then she started texting him again and in April he called me from the road and said he had decided to take her with him.... I lost it. He said that he had to prove to himself that he could be around OW and just have a friendly working relationship..... WTF!!!! They were gone for 5 days. He came home that Friday and of course you can imagine how many things got broken (Me breaking them) and how much foul language was used. My daughter was away over night thank god.

Tomorrow makes the 4th week in a row that he has chosen to take her against my wishes. Last weekend he came home and said he wanted to talk, I was nervous because I thought he wanted out. The talk was a bunch of BS about how I need to chill and let the A fizzle on it's own. The OW refuses to give him up. He said he still loves me but knows that over the past few years we have drifted apart, but he blames only himself for the A.

It was then that I decided to do a 180, and have NC. Before I would email 100x a week expressing my pain and anger. I sent him one final email and stated that I no longer wanted the drunken (my part) volatile fights and that I still loved him deeply but our marriage is on hold until he can figure out if I am the only one he wants. This week he has sent me emails telling me he misses home and me. I remained quiet. Tomorrow is my Birthday and he is due home. I am so depressed but feel stronger than I have in a long time. I refuse to give anymore ultimatums, he knows where I stand and I refuse to sink further into the rabbit hole and lose myself. I am a mother and right now and forever that is my most important job. I do wish he would wake up and see how beautiful we were and can still be.

I just want to hear from all of you out there your honest opinion and words of encouragement.


Heartbroken in the Country!!!!
((TAV))

My heart is breaking for you and your daughter. I feel your pain through the screen. So, so sorry.

If WH can come and go as he pleases, you at home and OW at the apartment, why would he choose? You get to decide what you need to heal. YOU delegate how this is gonna work. He should not be allowed to continue hurting you.
I've heard lots of people say that the 180 program is a good idea in your situation. It takes a tough woman to pull it off. When your emotions are raw, it helps to have a rigid set of rules to live by, but you gotta stick to it.

PLEASE focus on YOU. If you can, IC is so important. Plus, exercise and healthy eating...easy on the booze! I had a HUGE problem with wine right after DDay. For months actually.

Your WH has some huge issues. You can't fix him. He needs IC, too. You can't control WH, but you can control how you react to him. He needs to make a choice. You and your daughter deserve all of him. If he can't make the decision, you make it for him.
Be strong. We're here for you.


Hope & Hugs,
Shawn
http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/
Open for business with a few minor adjustments
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
https://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/
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Joined: May 10th, 2012, 10:49 pm

May 15th, 2012, 12:32 pm #10

Hello all,

After finding about my WH A with a friends 21 y/o daughter I felt like my world was ending. My H and I have been together for 18 years and married for 15. I am 40 and he is 42. We are both attractive and fit. Although I could lose 15#. We have a 10 y/o daughter. Last Aug my friends daughter moved in with us do to family problems. It was not long before I realized they were getting very friendly and close. He started taking her with him out of town for IT work. He is an independent IT consultant in another city 200 plus miles away. 4 years ago we moved here to have a better life and he continued to commute 2-3 days a week. We have had issues for the past 2 years or so, I was often bitter and resentful that he got to go away and work and felt trapped so to speak here with our daughter. Before this our life has been wonderful, he was extremely supportive and our love life was stellar. He is also a wonderful dad. I always thought that we were soul mates and had a very special connection.

When the OW (girl in this case) moved in, I thought it would ok, we both have known her since she was a little girl. After 2 months or so of H growing distant and spending time having drinks with OW on our back porch way after I went to bed, my gut was saying "WAKE UP". Last October I took her phone and almost fainted..... There were several text from H vowing that he loved her and could not wait for their next trip to City.... It was on the morning of a planned trip to a client in another state that I found out. I walked into our bedroom and told my H that he and the OW had to leave immediately. While they were collecting stuff to leave I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and sat in my car in a parking lot and smoked 10 right in a row. I had quit for several years before this.....

Through out the next two days, my H texted and pleaded and said he was sorry. When it was time for him to come back he said he was scared and maybe should stay away. I freaked, I couldn't believe I wanted him to come home still. She had to come as there was no where else for her to go. Her Family lived 300 miles away. In the coming months he went back and forth between me and her while she lived in our home. He even got an apartment in our old city, she was with him when they picked it out. I had in the past suggested an apartment because of the nature of his job, little did I know it would be for the OW. She moved out 2 1/2 months after to her Grandmothers house. All through the holidays he took her to the apartment and came home on weekends to see our daughter. I would drink too much and rage all over the house and let it all out on him. At the end of January of this year he came home and said he was so sorry for all of the horrible things he had done and wanted to be with me. From Jan - March we were trying to make it work... then she started texting him again and in April he called me from the road and said he had decided to take her with him.... I lost it. He said that he had to prove to himself that he could be around OW and just have a friendly working relationship..... WTF!!!! They were gone for 5 days. He came home that Friday and of course you can imagine how many things got broken (Me breaking them) and how much foul language was used. My daughter was away over night thank god.

Tomorrow makes the 4th week in a row that he has chosen to take her against my wishes. Last weekend he came home and said he wanted to talk, I was nervous because I thought he wanted out. The talk was a bunch of BS about how I need to chill and let the A fizzle on it's own. The OW refuses to give him up. He said he still loves me but knows that over the past few years we have drifted apart, but he blames only himself for the A.

It was then that I decided to do a 180, and have NC. Before I would email 100x a week expressing my pain and anger. I sent him one final email and stated that I no longer wanted the drunken (my part) volatile fights and that I still loved him deeply but our marriage is on hold until he can figure out if I am the only one he wants. This week he has sent me emails telling me he misses home and me. I remained quiet. Tomorrow is my Birthday and he is due home. I am so depressed but feel stronger than I have in a long time. I refuse to give anymore ultimatums, he knows where I stand and I refuse to sink further into the rabbit hole and lose myself. I am a mother and right now and forever that is my most important job. I do wish he would wake up and see how beautiful we were and can still be.

I just want to hear from all of you out there your honest opinion and words of encouragement.


Heartbroken in the Country!!!!
Good morning Ladies,

Shawn, I took the time yesterday to read your blog, wow (woman on war path)! you are very articulate and hit the nail on the head. I can relate to your story in many ways. Obviously I am still dealing with the FOG and WS stupidity. Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice. The biggest reason why he comes home is because of our daughter, his job is 4 hours away. I am pissed but I am not unrealistic, also because he says " I want to come home for you" whatever that means.

The weekend was ok, Saturday we had lunch, went shopping and ended the evening at a bonfire (I do live in the sticks) with some good friends. Our friends have not a clue as to how bad it is between us. I only confide in 2 of my closest friends and they are women that I can trust and rely on for support. My community is very small and it would only take a whisper to be in the paper. LOL

Sunday, well lets just say that I have had way better MDs. We are coexisting like fish in a tank, our own little dysfunctional ecosystem.

Last night was rough we talked and I argued and pleaded my case. He says that he wants to work it out and did not plan on bringing her to the apartment again..... I don't believe him. Regarding the IC or MC right now it is not affordable and he would not go anyway. He is the kind of guy that eschews PHDs with a pen and a couch. His family is Sicilian and Argentinian so I am sure you can imagine.
Machismo all the way. I am so angry inside, I started exercising again, I am a certified PT and used to do all sorts of group fitness and individual training sessions. It feels good to give orders and sweat with a bunch of women who appreciate and respect me.

I feel like he wants to move forward, but I am stuck. I throw up all of it whenever I get upset. Is this normal? I feel like if I could move forward then he would also.


Linda,

you are so thoughtful and dedicated to this blog, as I am sure all of you are. Thank You so much for your thoughts and support.


Stuck in the Country!!!!!



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